29/02/2008

Blue Singer In Trouble

Former Blue singer Lee Ryan has appeared in court charged with an attack on a taxi driver.

What did he do, sing at him?

It said in the paper: -

Lee pleaded not guilty to assaulting a cabbie after a minor traffic accident in Oxted, Surrey, on New Year's Eve last year. He spoke only to confirm his name, address, date of birth and enter his plea.

Well, that's the closest thing to a public appearance he's had in a while.

And sadly attaching a taxi driver was the closest thing to a "hit" he's had too.

I kind of hope it does go to trial. When the judge walks in and the foreman of the court says, "All rise," Lee will think he's a fan.

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Lopez baby Names

Eavesdroppers at the hospital where Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins on February 22 believe they've stumbled on those elusive baby names.

Apparently they heard the new mom calling her tots Maximiano and Emelina.

So they could be the new names. Unless in Spanish Emelina means "cute baby" and Maximiano means "thing that made my foo-foo hurt."

And, according to Star, the diva's mother, Guadalupe, was spotted in January collecting two gold-rope baby ID bracelets from Genesis Jewelers in New York – engraved with the names Max and Emme!

OK, OK. It's unlikely the new grandmother would have bracelets made with "thing that hurt my daughter's foo-foo" on them.

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Man Doesn't Get Goat Lovin'

Oh, another cracking news headline I just found:

"Man tries to have sex with goat, fails"

Brilliant! What did he do, buy it dinner, take it dancing and yet still not get invited up for coffee?

It turns out it's the story of a 68-year-old New Zealand man (not helping the national image there) who tried to have sex with a goat.

The news story still didn't say how he 'failed' to sex it up. Did the dirty talk not get the goat going? Or was it performance anxiety? "I'm sorry love, this has never happened with any other goats."

The man, who has had his identity protected by a North Canterbury court, apparently thought he was safe from prosecution because the goat couldn't talk.

Apparently he thought he was safe from prosecution because the goat couldn't talk.

And that's why he hadn't had sex with a cockatoo.


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Prince of Wales Is Harry Potter Fan

Julie Walters is now Julie Walters CBE. She was on OBE in 1999 and has now been upgraded - like a honours list 'pimping'.

She met the royals as she received her 'badge' and she revealed the Prince of Wales is a Harry Potter fan.

Really! It's about a kid called Harry who didn't grow up with his real dad. I would've thought that was too close to home.

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Prince Harry Fights

So, Prince Harry is fighting with British forces in Afghanistan.

I thought it was like international football, you play for the team of the country your ancestors are from, but I guess Germany don't have a squadron out there at the moment.

Harry's three-month tour has been kept secret as he takes part in the British mission against the Taliban.

I know it was for all the right reasons, keeping Harry out of the news may have saved the lives of him and the people he's serving with, but still, we've not been told about our royalty being at war, but we were kept up to day about Britney's drinking.

The Prince is third in line to the throne and is a second lieutenant in the Household Cavalry.

I bet being in Afghanistan was a shock for him. He's thinking, "Erm, Household Cavalry? Wasn't I supposed to be posted in the Household? I thought I'd be working from home on this one."

He's now the royal who has attacked the most foreigners... since Prince Phillip.

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Winehouse Is Worth £1million Per Night

Amy Winehouse picked up the Worst Dressed award at the NME Awards.

With the state of her it's amazing she get dressed at all. She clearly still hasn't got it right.



It was a good try at putting her shoes on, but she only got it half right.

This as we hear that she is being paid £500,000 by a top fashion house for a single appearance.

Are they paying her to appear... somewhere else, just to make sure?

In some ways I do see her fashion sense is a good one to promote. It's a look that is accessible. A lot of young women could get that look. All they have to do is stop eating and get addicted to crack.

Hey, it has less stigma attached then doing the Atkins.

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This Is Not Just Rihanna, This Is S&M Rihanna

Rihanna has earned herself some column inches by wearing a saucy outfit at a performance in Dublin last night.

She also got mentioned in the newspapers. (That's almost a subtle gag, how very rare on this site.)

She stepped out on stage in a show-stopping bondage-inspired outfit.

Well, you know what it's like, the day before laundry, nothing else is clean. It's either the gimp mask or nothing. And she might be wearing either one in the future but the look ot it.

With an outfit like that it makes you wonder where she keeps the umbrella.

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Jenny McCarthy Closes Womb

In the news...

"Former Playboy girl Jenny McCarthy insists she has no plans to extend her brood with her comic actor lover Jim Carrey."

No shock there. Would you want Jim Carrey to be the father of your child? What if it took after its dad? If you gave it any E-numbers it would explode.

She said: "This womb is closed!"

But it's amazing how much effort men will put in to try and get back in it.

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Lindsay Lohan Cut Short

Lindsay Lohan was spotted out wearing Daisy Duke-style cut-off denim shorts.

Either that or she has a real big problem with moths.

The whole look is a mixture of other people's style. It's Daisy Duke shorts, Dr Who shoes, Jackie O sunglasses, and, erm, Steve David waistcoat.

Recently poor old Li-Lo won the most Razzies ever so her acting career is in a bad way.

It seems odd then, that you would try and dress like the acting heavyweight Jessica Simpson.

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Radioactive Alert In Scotland

A building in Edinburgh has been sealed off after three suspected radioactive packages were found inside.

There is a chance it's just a teenager's bedroom, but we're still being careful, just in case.

Eight fire engines and 28 fire service personnel are attending the emergency and a cordon has been placed around the Regent Language Training School in the city's Chester Street.

So in the past 24 hours the UK has had radioactive fall-out and an earthquake.

And in an exchange deal the Middle-East has had afternoon tea and Richard and Judy.

I think we did OK out of the swap.

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Nell McAndrew Topless Dash

Just spotted this in the news...

Model Nell McAndrew stripped bare to help launch a major fund raising event for cancer research in Regent's Park. The 34-year-old TV presenter braved chilly weather to take part in a naked training session along with women from around the UK.

They had that body paint on painted on like a runners' bib. I wish I could show you the picture here, but let's just say the paint was a little thin. Like a cowboy building who did your spare room.

The event aimed to highlight Cancer Research UK Race for Life 2008, the largest women-only fund raising event in Britain.

It's a brilliant cause and you should sign up to get involved.

But seeing the topless race I think we need to be realistic. If all women did race for life topless they'd raise so much more money. I'm not being cheeky, I mean it. Think of the money Race For life makes and then add to that the money Stringfellows makes. OK, it would be tricky to run the 5k in those heels, but we're talking about saving lives.

And Nell must feel the pressure too. She knows that going topless one that day raised a lot of money. If she walked around topless everywhere think of the money she could raise then.

Every time she slips a top on she must feel a little bit of guilt.

In fact lets add those two points together and say that all the women doing Race For Life should go topless every day. We'd raise so much money we'd cure cancer and be able to go back to trying to cure the common cold.

We'd need to because all those women with no tops on in our weather would need it.

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28/02/2008

Madonna's New Album On The Way

Great headline on Reuters...

"Madonna to release "Hard Candy" in April"

Doesn't that sound like Hard Candy is a euphemism for a very dry stool?

But it's not, it's her new album, and some are saying it could be her final album too.

That's because some people are thinking she's getting too old. Well, what's one thing all old grannies seem to eat? Hard Candy! Coincidence? (Yes - but that's how this blog works.)

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Jolie & Pitt To Have French Child

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt will have their next child in France.

That's a brilliant idea. If there are some nationalities you haven't adopted yet, just have your biological kids in those countries. Sorted!

Despite rumours the pair are expecting twins, it is now said that there will be just one girl to add to their growing family.

Shame, or they could've had the first kid in a car heading to the Spanish border and then drive over before the second one pops out. Two nationalities in one. That's not birthing hard, it's birthing smart.

The next time she has twins she should hang around near national boundaries more. Although be careful which. You don't want to give birth while cross the Israel-Palestine border.

That could redefine sibling rivalry.

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Mischa Barton's Drink Dive Charge

Actress Mischa Barton has been charged with drunken driving, marijuana possession and driving without a license.

With Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie all getting similar things recently I guess the latest accessory is a DUI.

I guess you'd have to be drunk and stoned to buy a car when you know you don't have a licence to drive.

Police said at the time her vehicle was straddling two lanes of traffic and she failed to signal when making a turn.

And they knew something was wrong when the vehicle driving like that wasn't a lorry.

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27/02/2008

Naomi Campbell In Hospital

Supermodel Naomi Campbell has undergone a successful operation in Brazil to have a cyst removed.

They knew something was wrong when a supermodel started to gain a little weight. It couldn't be from the food, because they don't have that.

Campbell's spokeswoman said: "Naomi Campbell was admitted to hospital last night to have a small cyst removed. Following the successful procedure, she is now resting and is looking forward to getting back to work."

How will she tell the difference between the resting and the working?

The doctors say she's doing well. And don't worry she'll be back to herself soon. The operation hasn't affected her mobile phone throwing arm.

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Kate Beckinsale Shows Off Her "Pharaoh's Tomb"

Here's an odd one. What would you say is your best feature? You might say your face, or your eyes, or if you're being cheeky you might even say your bosoms. But it's unlikely you'd say your foo-foo unless you were drunk.

But actress Kate Beckinsale says her best asset is so private she can't name it out loud or show it in public.

Britney could, but she couldn't.

Kate said: "Mmmm. My best feature is unfortunately a private matter… I'm told it's spectacular."

Really! How good can it look? Does it make you want to stand flowers in it?

Beckinsale also refers to her nether regions as "Pharaoh's tomb," when she said: "Boyfriends? In my life I have had three. Three! Only a handful of people have seen into the Pharaoh's tomb."

If only three people have seen it how do you know it's a good one? That's hardly a statistically valid sample. Kate, my email's on this blog if you want to send me a jpeg for independent adjudication.

"Pharaoh's tomb" though. That's an odd nickname for it.

I guess it's a "Pharaoh's tomb" as in it's old, dusty, and if they made a film about it I'd watch it.

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Amy Wine-House Of Fashion

Amy Winehouse is to launch her own clothing range.

Oh goodie, it's be like heroine chic, just less... chic.

Apparently the plan is to design a range so her fans can copy her look. Let's hope she designs ones for more than just her dress size. But I suppose it would save the manufactures material costs.

She might also bring out a perfume. Now, I don't know what Amy Winehouse actually smells like but she looks like it's a smell that world attract cats.

Did you know in perfumes, the major component of the liquid in the bottle is alcohol?

So maybe it will smell like her after all.

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Tennis 'Grunter' Banned

A tennis club has banned a 9-year-old girl from playing tennis because she grunts too loudly.

Now, in general, I'm all for stopping people grunting. Especially old people when they try to stand up and people in public toilets. But I think tennis is an exception to my rule.

Australian Lauryn Edwards was slapped with the ban after a tennis opponent made a complaint.

But all great female tennis players are grunters.

This about Maria Sharapova grunting. And what about Monica Seles? She grunting like a rutting pig when she hit the ball.

Although, ironically, when she was stabbed, not a sound.

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Man Sacked For Prostitute Order

What perks do you get at work? Free tea and coffee? Where I work at one of my jobs we have to pay for our own flippin' coffee. So we just nick the pens? But there's a story in the news of a man who expected a little extra.

Neil Jorgensen, from Iowa, had been given a gift certificate and free night's stay at the Riverside Casino and Golf Resort, rewarding him for one year working for the owners.

That's nice. He gets to sink one into a well-used hole. Nothing wrong there.

But he took the hospitality too far when he returned to his room and called hotel management about hiring a prostitute.

Trying to sink one into a well-used, well, you get the idea.

And he got sacked over this. I know, who would've thought.

He's now suing the firm for unemployment benefits, stating: "The advertisement is that it's just like Las Vegas, so I thought I was in Las Vegas."

Never take that man to a Thai restaurant!
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Pregnant Witch Drops Sprog In Tree

A pregnant woman accused of being a witch has given birth while hanging from a tree.

I feel sorry for anyone scrumping that day. "This apple's got a face, and legs, and an umbilical chord."

This is where the story gets sick. She was called Nolan Yekum and she was strung up in a noose after being found guilty of sorcery in Papua New Guinea.

She was stung up for sorcery and yet David Blain still walks free. What's up with that?

But she survived after struggling to free herself all the while giving birth to a girl, who also lived.

You ladies really can multi-task.
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Paris Has New Man

Oh no. It's so upsetting...

Paris Hilton has a new boyfriend, Benji Madden. And as they say up north, "You'd have to be a Madden to go out with her."

Whenever you start dating someone you worry that you're not as good in the bedroom as their former boyfriends, but luckily for Benji he can just check the videos.

Benji is the twin brother of Joel who is dating Paris's friend, 26/02/2008. They've had matching accessories in the past, but this is taking it a bit far.

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Aniston's Eggs Going Cold

According to the paper today Jennifer Aniston has had her eggs frozen.

I bet Britney's are colder, what with having no pants on.

Jennifer did it in a bid to beat the biological clock. That means she can put off having kids. And that's a smart move, because if she has a baby soon she runs the risk Angelina Jolie adopting it. This way she wants till Angie's house is full first.

With frozen eggs the biggest threat to her having kids isn't her age, it's global warming.

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Kate Hudson's Nude Admission

Actress Kate Hudson has revealed she loves prancing around the family home in nothing but her birthday suit.

Oh she shouldn't have said that. The number of fake Jehovah's Witnesses she'll get now...

Her celeb mother Goldie Hawn and stepdad Kurt Russell don't even bat an eyelid. I guess that means Kurt is staring so hard he isn't blinking.

Kate says she loves being naked, and said: "I often walk around naked or just wearing my panties."

That's not uncommon, but normally women who walk round the house in their underwear are pensioners and a little bit confused.



What do you get up to in the nude around the house? Comments please.
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"Calm Down" Indiana Jones

It was all happening at Elton John's Oscar party.

Calista Flockhart apparently told her fella Harrison Ford to take it easy on the booze.

With him not drinking and her attitude to the buffet, I bet Elton wishes he hadn't catered.

Harrison was on his fourth glass when she told him to calm down. But he kept on drinking and told her: "It's a special night. I may even swing from a chandelier."

Yeah, there's never a Temple of Doom nearby when you need one.

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25/02/2008

'Dancing On Ice' Backwards

What was going on with Dancing On Ice on the weekend. Host Holly Willoughby ("Wallaby") shot to fame by wearing tops that were rather low cut. Daily Mail readers complains, putter her chesticles up there with the BBC and immigrants in terms of being to blame for all that is wrong in the UK.

But this week she wore this...



...a high-necked backless dress.

Clearly she had put it on back-to-front.

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Rihanna's Addiction Problem

Rihanna has said she has a secret addiction. Oh, not another one who's going into rehab?

Well, no. She says she is addicted to 'art'.

And that's as in paintings and such, not some lucky guy who's full name is Arthur.

Do they do rehab for art addiction? Do they send you somewhere where you will be free from any cultured thoughts? Like Swindon?

The R&B star celebrated her recent 20th birthday by snapping up a portrait of reggae singer Bob Marley created by Ronnie Wood, and admits she's now got the canvas-buying bug.

Hey, art addiction is a serious problem. It often starts with friend asking you if you want to try some watercolours, nothing serious. The next thing you know you're into Rembrandt, you're putting up Picassos, and then you find yourself selling your ass for Monet.

(And we end on a pun. Maybe this website is the art rehab she needs.)

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Christina Aguilera's Gets Her Strop On

Christina Aguilera reportedly threw a "massive tantrum" and sacked her manager, an assistant and PR firm.

Really, because I'd heard that since her chest got larger she needs all the support she can get.

It's all because an issue of US magazine People, which featured pictures of her and her new son Man, received poor sales.

If you want to be in a magazine that sells really really well Christina, you have to go with your strengths...Playboy.

I'm not saying you should, I'm just throwing the idea out there.

You could still have the same headline: "See Christina's Max Pictures".

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Sharon Stones Lets it Slip

Remember the good old days when Sharon Stone getting a little bit undressed was something you'd Google for.

But recently she turned up to a diamond industry party wearing a stripy outfit. Now that was bad enough. Six zebras were killed to make that outfit. That knocks wearing fur into a cocked hat.

But then to make it worse it opens. Is it just me getting flash backs to the Judy Finnegan award show moment?





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What you talkin' 'bout, Rumer Willis!

Oh, to be a stroppy child of a celeb.

Rumer Willis, daughter of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, had a spot of bother when she wasn't recognised at a do.

She apparently shouted: "Don't you know who my mum is!?"

Hang on! What you talking about, Willis! Your mum might be Demi Moore, but your dad is Bruce, and he was in Die Hard 4.0 recently, he's a bigger name.

But I do see the issue in shouting, "Do you know who my father is?"

Because that makes it sounds like you don't know either. They won't let you in, but they will send you to the Jeremy Kyle show.

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The Renee Zellweger Thinometer

The Oscars provide us with one of our favourite pastimes, the "Renee Zellweger Thinometer".

Each year we get a new picture of Zellweger at the Oscars, and we get to see how thin she is.

Clearly she'll never be fattened up like Bridget Jones, obviously she only thinks British women should be that large, and cheers for that.

But she has reached a new level of thin. She's at the stage where her legs are so thin in a good breeze you can hear a whistling noise.

Maybe she was just planning ahead. If the writers' strike was still on and they'd formed a picket line she'd be so thin she should slip though even the smallest of cracks. So go Renee!

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Cole vs Tweedy

Honestly, can't a footballer even have some cheating nookie with a blonde hairdresser these days without getting into trouble? What is the world coming too?

It's looks like Ashley Cole won't win Cheryl back after she seems to have changed back to her maiden name when she was being picked up in a airport.

Let's be honest, with a name like 'Tweedy' you have to be really serious to change back to it.

Meanwhile glamour model Jordan says Cheryl would be mad to take Ashley back. She said: "If it was me, there would be no coming back. He'd never hear from me again."

And now we're all thinking, "How can we get everyone to cheat on Jordon so we don't have to see her chat show on ITV2 ever again."

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Would You Eat This Burger?

One thing I hate about fast food restaurants is when they ask you if you want to 'super-size' it, they just give you a bigger fries and drink. What! Forget the sundries, I want a bigger burger.

So I was interested to read about a record-breaking hamburger.



It weighs 134lb for the burger, slapped inside a 50lb bun, and needs to be ordered 24 hours in advance.

That's not bad. In certain fast food restaurants if you want one made without the relish you'll be there all day.

The mighty meal - dubbed "The Absolutely Ridiculous Burger" - is being served up at Mallie's Sports Bar and Grill in Detroit, Michigan.

It will cost you $350.

But if you're eating meals like that, let's be honest, you don't need to save for your pension.

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Katie Melua's Criminal Tendencies

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usKatie Melua has confessed to being a criminal.

Well, looks like Pete Doherty is more of a trendsetter that I thought.

Katie was asked the worst thing she had done, and she didn't say 'that song about all those bicycles'.

She said she once pinched clothes. You little tinker.

This is the woman who sang, "This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been. Being 22, feeling 17."

I'd say being driven to shoplifting is a bigger sign of mental illness than getting your own age slight wrong.

Although counting all the bicycles in Beijing is a big sign of serious OCD.

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Cerys Dumps Bannerman Over Kids And Clothes

Free Image Hosting at www.ImageShack.usCerys Matthews has dumped Marc Bannerman.

I don't think Ladbrokes has a nightmare over that. But she was talking to the newspapers about why she gave him the old elbow.

She said they were mismatched from the start. Well, yeah. You were single and he wasn't. That was quite a big difference.

The Catatonia singer dumped Bannerman just before Valentine's day because he could not cope with her responsibilities as a mother.

And probably to save herself the stamp.

Apparently he also didn't like her clothes.

Maybe he was trying to do a Mr Smooth and say, "Hey baby, you know what would make you look better? Taking all those clothes off."

But maybe it came out as, "Those rags make you look like a man." It's an easy mistake to make.

Cerys also complained that Bannerman's controlling nature made her feel uncomfortable as he insisted on ordering for her in restaurants.

He was probably doing that take make sure he only had to buy her the cheapest thing on the menu. Hey, don't judge him, she dumped him before Valentine's and saved herself the stamp, remember.

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Lindsay Lohan's Award Shame

What a week Lindsay Lohan has had.

First she's all over the news for posing topless like Marilyn Monroe.

And now she's in the news for being a terrible actress... like Marilyn Monroe.

Li-Lo has set a new record after her latest film won a staggering 8 Golden Raspberry Awards. The Razzies are the opposite to the Oscars, rewarding some of the worst things to come out of Hollywood, and her film "I Know Who Killed Me" is a stinker.

Its never been released here, I don't know, something about the European Court Of Human Rights or something, (but you can get a copy online), surpassed the record seven wins previously held by Battleship Earth and Showgirls.

The film Battleship Earth had it's knockers, well, so did Showgirls in a different way, but they say I Know Who Killed Me is even worse.

I'm not so sure. In an early part of the film you get to see Lindsay Lohan get tortured with a broken piece of glass. Surely worth the admission fee right there.

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The Fake Version Of Jordan

Here's a turn-up for the books (and in a second you'll see why that's a pun).

Jordan fans were upset at her book signing because she refused to pose for photos. And they were asking for just normal photos, nothing specialist. But all she was willing to give them was a scribble and about 30 seconds of facetime (although in that time most of the fans wouldn't be looking at her face). So all these fans were grumpy until a Jordan look-a-like turned up and was far more accommodating.

Her biog "Pushed To The Limit" (which also doubles as a midwifery guide) is out and she was at Waterstones to promote it, but it was the impersonator who got all the praise.

Apparently some of the kids who were there thought Gaby was the real deal. Here's a picture...



...now, if you look at them I don't think you'd mistake them for twins, but from the height of the kids I guess you can't see the face for the knockers so they're easy to mix up.

There's a bit in the newspaper that said: "To some Gaby, 22, looked even more like the Jordan fans had grown to love - as she still has mammoth 32FF boobs, the same as the model's were before her breast reduction."

Well no wonder Jordan was in a mood. If you turned up to work and a younger, fitter version of you was there you'd be in a huff too.

Another good bit in the paper: "Mum Sarah Jones, 33, who brought eight-year-old son Adam to the signing said: 'We queued for three hours and it felt like he had five seconds in front of Jordan.'"

Brilliant. "What should I do with my 8-year-old son today to keep him from getting bored? I know, I'll take him to see a well-known glamour model."

Maybe she's just turning her some into a man who doesn't respect women as a pre-emptive mother-in-law move against his future wife. In that way, it's genius.

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