07/03/2008

Paris Hilton To Be 'Herself' And A Lesbian

Paris Hilton to be herself and a lesbianParis Hilton is to star in a lesbian drama.

That's nothing new. In my mind Paris Hilton has starred in many a lesbian adventure.

She's going to be in the TV show The L Word. Paris told Parade magazine: "It's true. I have no idea what kind of character I'll be playing, but it's a good show."

Let me guess, you'll be playing a woman who flaunts her sexuality around to get attention. No, wait. That wasn't the plot synopsis, it was the actress biog.

Paris's TV career is going from strength to strength as she is also going to star in the show My Name In Earl, playing herself.

That's nothing new. In my mind Paris Hilton has played herself good and proper many a time.
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04/03/2008

Woman Wins Triplet Lottery

twins in the wombAllison Penn of Huntington, N.Y. has made the news by giving birth to identical triplets.

Yes, Logan, Eli and Collin were born on Feb. 27 and all three boys are healthy.

It must be great to have three identical kids. You could sit them on the table, put a coin under one of them and move them round, "Here we, follow the coin. Where does it go? No body knows."

You know, the odds of have identical triplets are longer than winning a big lottery jackpot.

Yeah, you've got to be upset with that. Given a choice, I'm sure the kids are great, but you could've bought a new car.

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03/03/2008

Amy Winehouse's Lump

Amy Winehouse has a new look. I call it, "60's retro bruised".

She's got a massive lump on her face. As you can see there's a lump in her cheek that isn't normally there. It could be food. By the look of her she's forgotten how to chew.

In the newspaper doctor Hilary Jones said: "I think the most likely explanation is a direct blow, either accidental or deliberate. A skin complaint wouldn't cause swelling."

So someone could've hit her. I see what's happened here. She's come out of rehab saying, "I'll tell you what I need: smack!"

And someone has obliged.
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Man And Henry Vacuum Have Romp

A henry vacuum, the suckerA builder working at Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital has reportedly been sacked, after he was caught pleasuring himself with a vacuum cleaner in the canteen.

So many questions, such little time.

OK, firstly, how dirty had his thingy got that he had to get the vacuum on it?

And why the canteen? Had his foreman said, "'Ere, pop down to the canteen and get me a jumbo sausage."

The man was allegedly discovered naked, on his hands and knees, with his rude bits in the business end of a smiling Henry vacuum cleaner.

And now we know why Henry smiles so much. The little slut.

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Napoleon's Restaurants Goes Downhill

Le Grand VefourLe Grand Vefour restaurant, which is 200-year-olds and famous for feeding Emperor Napoleon, has lost its coveted three-star Michelin rating.

Well, to be fair, Napoleon's not looking too healthy these days, it could be something he ate.

It must be difficult for the Michelin Guide to work out of a French restaurant is good or not. They could walk in, see snails everywhere and that's not a health and safety issue, it's an ingredient.

Restaurants are judged based on their products and cooking, as well as the cuisine's style and its dependability.

Not on polite service of course, it's French restaurants we're talking about.

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02/03/2008

Ban On Crotch-Grabbing

Paris Hilton grabbing her own crotchJust spotted this headline:

"Italian court bans crotch-grabbing"

I know, I was thinking the same. I was thinking, "How dare the courts tell you not to grab someone's crotch. What if it was a really good crotch, and you wanted to grab it, and these PC luvvies have banned it?"

But, as I read on it said, "The Italian supreme court has outlawed men from touching their genitals in public."

Ah! Grabbing your own crotch. Yeah, that's wrong!

Crotch-grabbing is an ancient superstitious habit in Italy that is believed to ward off the evil eye.

Odd, because if you start touching your meat and two veg in the UK in public that's when you get the evil eye, from anyone who walks past.

It's traditional for men to do it if passed by a hearse or when discussing serious illness or disasters.

It's also common for men to touch their genitals when thinking of Britney Spears. I guess that makes her a disaster. Fair enough.

Spare a thought for Michael Jackson. It's yet another law that stops him doing what he enjoys.
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Winehouse Does Paris Fashion Week

Amy Winehouse has gone to Paris Fashion Week.

Amy confessed she felt like a fish out of water. She said: "Forgive my ignorance, I don't know anything about fashion," to a 600-person audience.

I bet that was an awkward pause while no one looked shocked.

She was trying to drum up trade on stage as she joked, "I'm available for bookings. If anyone wants me for a wedding or a bar mitzvah. Well maybe not a wedding. My music's a little too heartbreak. For a wedding, you need something meeker."

Yeah, but if your Jewish son is becoming a man the perfect thing is a spotty thin woman crying.

It's shocking, Amy Winehouse going to Paris Fashion Week.

The last time such a drug-taking low-life was in Paris... he filmed it and sold it on the internet.

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Heidi Klum Wants Men In Underwear

Heidi Klum says she wants Victoria's Secret to design an underwear range for men.

I'm not sure anything frilly would be a good look. Besides, I think it would tickle. The whole world would be filled with men laughing for no reason. Kind of like a Jim Davidson audience.

Klum - who models for the lingerie giant - doesn't think it is fair that women are the only sex who can wear raunchy undergarments, and thinks a male range would look great on husband Seal.

Forget Seal, they should make undies for men like Rik Waller. At least that way they'd get some use from the bras.


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01/03/2008

Pete Doherty Is A Hero

Pete Doherty was named Hero Of The Year at the NME awards.

Who was voting for this, Columbian farmers?

Back in the day when he had managed to pull Kate Moss and was punching well above his weight, he may have been a bit of a hero, but now, hmm?

I wish I was there to see the moment the Hero Of The Year was announced. They open the envelope and they say, "It's Pete Doherty."

And at the back of the room Batman stands up, throws down his napkin and storms out, shouting, "This is bull****!"

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Billie Piper Wants Babies

TV stars Billie Piper and Laurence Fox are planning to adopt a baby.

They're doing an Angelina.

I remember the days when they meant kiss your own brother or exchange a test tube of blood at your wedding, but these days it just means adopt. How times have changed.

The newspaper said: "Billie, 25, and Laurence, 29, are keen to have a large family."

Does that mean they're buying in bulk? It probably works out cheaper.

A close source said: "Her dream is her, Laurence and a big brood of kids running around barefoot in their Sussex home with chickens."

Wow, she really is 'broody'!

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Pussy Cat Deeley

Look everyone, it Cat Deeley on the telly...



Not only is she actually on the telly in that picture, but she also seems to be wearing a bin liner - like an under-prepared family at the seaside.

This is Cat posing for a magazine shoot. The newspaper I saw this in spent most of their time doing cat jokes. "She's shed her winter coat to pose fur a sexy magazine shoot".

But is she really like a cat? Well, she's well groomed, independent, but can she clean her own genitals by licking them?

I doubt it, because if she could, we've never see her on the telly. She'd never leave the house.

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