28/08/2010

It's Chile Trapped Underground

Earlier in the week people got really upset because a cat spent 15 hours in a bin. Right now there are 33 miners in Chile who are thinking, "Oh, p*** off!"

And now a hi-tech underground video camera was lowered half-a-mile down a shaft to see how the 33 trapped Chilean miners are coping.

A bunch of people who can't get out are being filmed. Just when you thought Big Brother was finally over...

The footage showed the workers, who have been stuck since August 5, stripped to the waist and appearing slim but healthy.

So they're skinny and they like taking their clothes off. It really is like Big Brother.

In a five-minute clip released by the Chilean government, the men are seen standing arm-in-arm, singing the national anthem and yelling: "Long live Chile, long live the miners!"

It would've been so much better if they started to sing, "Heigh-ho, heigh-ho. It's off to work we go..."

The rescue operation is under way but they have been told it may be Christmas before they are rescued.

You have to feel sorry for those guys. All of their shopping will have to be done last minute.

Experts from NASA have been drafted in to help.

Hang on. If you have something underground that you want bringing up to the surface quickly, you don't call NASA. You call BP.

>Read more in the source story
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27/08/2010

NHS Straining Under Too Many Fat People

Medical experts are saying the NHS needs more resources to deal with all the fat people coming through their doors.

Heck, just get smaller doors.

Figures published on Friday showed that weight loss surgery has risen almost 785% in less than five years, according to NHS Information Centre research.

Some of that will include the very popular gastric band surgery, where they basically put a big elastic band round your innards. It means you can't eat as much because if you do it will ping off and launch your duodenum out of your bum-hole. I should state, I am not a doctor.

It also includes stomach stapling, which is very serious surgery. I'd opt for the less serious stomach paper-clipping.

National Obesity Forum spokeswoman Tam Fry argued that doctors are going ahead with the surgery without insisting patients seek lifestyle changes and pharmaceutical treatment first.

Yeah, we should be doing all we can to help these people break their addiction to food before we cut them up. But let me tell you one thing that isn't helping, having a National Obesity Forum spokeswoman called "Fry".

That's like having a spokeswoman for the National Alcohol Forum called Winehouse... for so many reasons.

>Read more in the source story
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26/08/2010

Woman Bins A Cat

Did you see the story about the woman who put a cat into a bin? Ouch! She's Mary Bale and she was caught on CCTV picking up a neighbour's cat and dumping it in a wheelie bin. She now faces a possible RSPCA prosecution.

Good. If you put the wrong item into the wrong recycling bin you get a fine; she should at least get that.

Bale now faces losing her job as a customer services assistant at Royal Bank of Scotland.

Oh, I think the people have RBS have done much worse to our country of late.

She doesn't realise that you can't just put a cat in a bin. If you really want to do it you have to do it when the cat is very young and there are more than one of them. Yep, you should only put your litter in the bin.

>Read more in the source story
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Daddy Cameron

David Cameron is now a father again. He'll be spending the next few weeks looking after the little bundle of joy as it lies there, unaware of what is going on around it. Just like his first meetings with Nick Clegg. Just with less crying.

David said: "The baby just popped out."

Eugh. I know it was his wife's fourth child but let's leave a little to the imagination.

It said in the newspaper: "The baby was delivered at noon, by caesarean section, with Mr Cameron present."

Caesarean? Ah, he's presiding over more cuts!

Actually, that's odd. He said it popped out but it was a caesarean. Did she sneeze at the wrong time?

David said: "Samantha woke this morning and thought she was having contractions and it was beginning to get going. So we thought we would come to the hospital, just to get everything checked out. Then things sped up and it all happened very, very quickly and the baby popped out at about 12 o'clock."

He added: "My job was to make the toast and tea."

Now he knows how Nick Clegg feels.

>Read more in the source story
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25/08/2010

Tiger Woods' Divorce

Tiger Woods and his wifey, Elin Nordegren, have been granted a divorce. That's a shame. I had a good feeling about those two.

Details of the settlement have been kept secret, but Elin had been demanding up to £500million. Wow. £500million because he slept with a few women. That makes Peter Crouch's £800 to sleep with an escort seem like a bargain.

He had affairs with around 20 models. Tiger by name. Heck, Woods by name...

I didn't know golfers were seen as that sexy. Footballers I understand, but golfers are men who spend all their time working out how to get into a hole with the fewest strokes. Isn't that the opposite of what women want?

>Read more in the source story
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24/08/2010

Woman Goes Bananas

My favourite story of the day has to be that of Fran Dando. She is a 21-year-old mum from Hastings and she has an irrational fear of bananas.

The newspapers presented this story like it's shocking but you see loads of kids these days who look like they would run a mile if you put fruit or veg near them.

Well, walk a mile. Well, walk to the nearest McDonald's.

I like this story because having a fear of bananas means, if she was in a bank when it was robbed, she'd be the only one who poos her pants when she finds out that it's NOT a real gun.

It started when Fran was seven and her brother hid a banana in her bed. She said: "I felt this horrible slimy thing. It frightened the life out of me.

So she doesn't like things that are about 6 inches long, slimy and in her bed. How did she become a mum?

>Read more in the source story


P.S. If you're reading this Fran, this is for you.

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23/08/2010

AAA Stand-Up Late

We're heading toward the end of the AAA Stand-Up Late shows. We're still on till the 30th so you still have the chance to come and see.

They've been going really well, but of course I would say that, wouldn't I? And reviews like the 4-star one from Three Weeks are lovely, but what do real people think?

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22/08/2010

Fashion Police

Police officers have been told to stop wearing sexy underwear while on duty.

Now when you see a policeman you'll be thinking he's going commando, and you'll be hoping that's a truncheon you can see.

West Midlands Police have also been told they should not be wearing particularly sexy undies which might get noticed.

I suppose it makes sense. If you get chased, wrestled to the ground and arrested it must be pretty scary. But if you see that the person who is holding you down has some sexy panties on, it reaches a whole new level of fear.

A notice was recently issued which even told them they should avoid having a visible panty line (VPL) and undies should be "inconspicuous" under their uniform. But some officers say they feel like they're being treated as children.

Quite right. Children shouldn't wear sexy pants either. Case closed.

>Read more in the source story
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21/08/2010

Harry Knobber

Movie executives behind the lucrative Harry Potter franchise are taking legal action against a Swiss condom brand for allegedly naming their products after the boy wizard.

I wouldn't know about that, I have to buy the Hagrid range. Eh, ladies? (I was meaning because of the size not the hairiness.)

Bosses at the Warner Bros. studio are said to have filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against the company making "Harry Poppers", which feature an illustration of a condom wearing round glasses and waving a magic wand on the packet.

Why would you want to wear something that makes your tackle look like it's a short, bald magician? It's like having Paul Daniels between your legs.

>Read more in the source story
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Kerry Katona In Chav Admission Shocker

Kerry Katona said that Angelina Jolie makes her feel like a "right chav".

Just Angelina? You'd think Kerry would feel like a chav more often. Like, when someone asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years time?" and she says, "The Jeremy Kyle Show."

Kerry was at the Salt première when she said: "She is stunning. I couldn't talk to her because there's no way she'd want to chat to a chav like me."

We all feel like a chav next to Angelina. She's so posh she buys her babies while the rest of us settle for the home-made ones.

>Read more in the source story
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20/08/2010

Anne Robinson - 'Love Is Expensive'

Anne Robinson has revealed that she believes love can be "expensive".

It can if you're Peter Crouch. £800 for a Spanish escort. There must be a comparison website that could've helped him. "Ho! Compare"?

She admitted that her divorce settlements were the largest amount of money she had spent on anything.

That was back when she was on the TV show Watchdog. Talk about a show that did exactly what it said on the tin, because whenever I saw it I was watching... well, you see where I'm going.

I'm being nasty because she once insulted the Welsh. They're my people. I come from a long line of Welsh people. And no, I don't fancy sheep. But put a woolly jumper on and I'm there.

Anne also claimed that she was once asked to run for mayor of London, saying: "The Tories once asked me to consider being the mayor of London."

If she would've run for mayor we could've ended up with a celebrity who keeps saying the wrong thing and is basically well-known for having embarrassing hair being in charge. Instead we got Boris. Hmm.

>Read more in the source story
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19/08/2010

Wildlife Criminal Caged

A British businessman caught trying to smuggle rare falcon eggs to Dubai was jailed for 30 months and labelled a "wildlife criminal."

I normally feel sorry for smugglers. Anyone who goes to jail for an offence that involves shoving things up your bum will probably find the punishment fits the crime.

Jeffrey Lendrum stole 14 precious peregrine falcon eggs from a nest in Wales and strapped them to his chest.

The problem was they were large eggs. You get sent down for 'class A' possession. (There's an egg pun you don't hear often.)

He looks pretty stupid now but if that flight got into trouble and started to crash, having 14 birds strapped to you could be a stroke of genius.

>Read more in the source story
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18/08/2010

A Step Forward For Clocks

David Cameron may move the clocks forward permanently.

Labour also think this is a good idea. But they want him to move the clocks 5 years forward and give them another election.

It will be in order to allow Britons to enjoy longer evenings all year round. However, the Prime Minister has faced a backlash from Scotland, who argue that the move would be disastrous for the country.

I'm up in Edinburgh right now and in the evenings people seem to drink and start fights. Longer evenings mean more drinking and more fights. By the end of the year the population could drop 50%.

That's the main reason they don't like the clocks going forwards in Scotland. They worry it means closing time is nearer.

I don't think they should move the clocks forward and keep them there. OK, it would make the country brighter at times when we need it, but it would mean we don't have to alter the clocks twice a year. That's one of the few things men do around the house. If we get rid of that the only job we will have is levelling up the toilet roll when the two ply get out of sync.

Still, he wouldn't be the first Tory PM to make loads of men redundant.

>Read more in the source story
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15/08/2010

Man Films Potential Shark Attack

There's a new video on the internet that caught my eye. A Californian surfer filmed two sharks swimming closely to him.

Why was he filming it? Was he going to take the sharks to court for attacking him?

Chuck Patterson was his name. He said: "A nine foot shark came out of nowhere, circled twice and slapped his tail on my board before disappearing. Then a minute later, a seven foot juvenile great white swam circles around me for 12 minutes. It was an unreal experience that I will cherish forever."

When the video starts and you see a man filming two nearby sharks you think, "This is going to be the bravest happy-slapping clip I have ever seen."

Here's a video on it...



>Read more in the source story
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14/08/2010

Alesha Dixon's Bald

The Daily Mail has been rather nasty to Alesha Dixon. They published a picture of her and said she is going bald.

I hope that's going to be the latest fashion. If this season we're going for baldness and a beer belly, I'm finally in.

Maybe she won't mind what they said because the newspaper also gave her some publicity. The said her new song is released on September 5 and the video sees her "ditch her girl-next-door image for something more provocative".

Oh, when I heard she was being re-branded I thought she was changing her name from Alesha Dixon to Alesha Curries Digital.

Look, let's be honest. She's not going bald. She just has the hair do they call the Croydon Facelift, where the hair is pulled back so tightly it drags the skin up. She's not bald, that's just the hairless skin that would normally be near her eyes.

The Croydon Factlift style will always make women look like they have less hair. Unless it's so tight it pulls skin up from lower down. Then they'd look like they have a goatee.

>Read more in the source story
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13/08/2010

Google Street Death

Schoolgirl Azura Beebeejaun sparked panic after she was photographed lying face down and seemingly dead on Google Street View.

She wasn't dead, she was perfectly fine, but she pretended that she had been seriously injured. She has now been offer a job playing up front for Chelsea.

People living in Middle Road, St John's, Worcester, were so concerned they contacted Google in case a crime had gone undetected. A spokesman for Google said: ''The imagery in Street View represents a snapshot in time of Britain's streets and is no different to what anyone might expect to see for themselves around the country."

Hang on a minute. I'm British and I don't expect to see scenes of violence and unconscious bodies lying in the road when I go for a walk. But then, I don't live in Glasgow.

>Read more in the source story


Here's a video about it too...

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Robbie Williams - Bark For Good

Sorry ladies, Robbie Williams is married now. You'll have to find a different chubber who tries to spot aliens.

He married his long-term partner Ayda. According to the papers she had eight dogs as bridesmaids.

I know they say the bridesmaids shouldn't look more beautiful than the bride, but you're not that bad Ayda.

Robbie said they had eschewed normal wedding day conventions, adding: "The only thing that's traditional is the vows. No hen party, no bachelor party, no wedding showers."

Of course there was no hen party. Most nightclubs have a sign that says, "No dogs!"

>Read more in the source story
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12/08/2010

Beckham Dumped On TV

You have to feel sorry for David Beckham. Fabio Capello effectively ended Beckham's international career live on TV.

Getting sacked by TV is pretty low. The only way Capello could've been even nastier would've been if he secretly invited Beckham onto an episode of the Jeremy Kyle Show called, "You're too old to perform for me... get out!"

The England boss was asked if David would be part of his plans for the Euro 2012 qualifiers. Capello replied: "I say thank you very much for helping me at the World Cup but he is probably, little bit old."

He has a point. Beckham is old but he's still fit. Old and fit? I'm surprised Wayne Rooney hasn't tried to pay him for sex.

>Read more in the source story
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11/08/2010

Man, Eating Cat

A pet owner who allegedly marinated his cat in oils and peppers, intending to eat it, has been arrested on charges of animal cruelty.

I blame Jamie Oliver. He always saying, "Cook from fresh."

Police found four-year-old Navarro in a cage, his fur covered with oil, crushed red peppers and chilli peppers, in the boot of 51-year-old Gary Korkuc's car. The animal was discovered when traffic officers pulled Korkuc over for failing to stop at a stop sign in Buffalo, New York.

Of course he failed to stop, he didn't want his dinner to get cold.

Korkuc reportedly told officers he was punishing his cat for being ill tempered - and told them he planned to cook the cat.

You don't eat a cat if it is ill tempered. It's much better if the meat was tender.

I can't help thinking this was all a mix up. Gary Korkuc would've been at home, about to tuck into the cat, when his wife would walk in and say, "Gary! That's not what I meant when I said I wanted you to eat my p" (I'll leave that joke there. It's too rude for even this site.)

>Read more in the source story
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10/08/2010

One Lib Dem Coalition Is Over

Former Lib Dem leader Charles Kennedy has split from his wife, Sarah.

That shows the real difference between the UK and the US. Over here, our political Kennedys are short, ginger chaps who can't keep women. Tut.

Insiders said his alcoholism placed an unbearable strain on their eight-year marriage and they have been spending more and more time apart.

She could be in for a lot of money in the settlement... if he takes him empties back.

According to the newspaper I read this in...

    A source said the couple's split had come as "no surprise".

And I heard Charles was certainly fond of the source. I think it was spelt that way.

>Read more in the source story
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Human Robots

We should feel proud today. British boffins have developed the first ever robot capable of showing human emotions.

Is it really the first? My old Windows Vista machine showed the same emotions as my ex. It would just freeze up when I wanted to do something on it.

But she said I was like her old Amstrad computer. Something about a pathetic memory and an infected floppy.

Anyway, this robot is called Nao and it has had its behaviour modelled on a young child.

It's just like having a baby. He hunches his shoulders when he is sad and raised his arms when he is happy. And if you have two of them the Government gives you a free house.

>Read more in the source story
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09/08/2010

Life Is A Naked Rollercoaster

102 thrill-seekers have set a new world record by riding the Green Scream Rollercoaster at Southend-on-Sea, Essex, naked.

Naked? That's not really fair. They strip off on a rollercoaster and they get in the newspapers and record books. I do it and I get banned from Thorpe Park. OK, I was the only one doing it that day, but still.

They were raising money for breast cancer research.

It went well. When the ride finally jolted to a halt you should've heard the applause.

Oh, wait. That wasn't applause. It was the sound of all those boobs slapping together.

>Read more in the source story
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08/08/2010

Peter Crouch Cheats On Abbey Clancy

Scandal! According to the news today, Peter Crouch cheated on his fiancé Abbey Clancy while on a stag weekend in Madrid.

I don't really like football, but I do like affairs, so I read on.

I don't think Abbey should be too upset if he was unfaithful. He's Peter Crouch. If he went down on a woman he'd still be three feet above her clunge.

According to the News of the World, the footballer paid £800 to sleep with 19-year-old escort Monica Mint after meeting her at a nightclub.

Monica said, "I can't believe he paid for sex with someone like me when he has a gorgeous woman like her at home."

I think Peter has always fancied a bit of Spanish action. He stopped calling his missus Abbey. Now he calls her Santander.

>Read more in the source story
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Clooney's Clothing Issues

George Clooney went to court in Italy to give evidence against three people accused of fraudulently using his name to endorse a clothing line.

I hope he's upset about them using the word Clooney, because if he doesn't like clothing lines using the name George, wait till he goes in Asda.

The fake designer line never saw the light of day as police stepped in before it went on display at a fashion show in Milan in 2008.

It made sense for them to call the clothes 'Clooney'. They were quite grey but people still liked them.
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