29/09/2010

Jordan's Fine (Not in that way)

Daily Star reports on Katie PriceKatie Price has been accused of using a mobile phone while driving a large pink horsebox.

There you go, ladies, not so proud of your ability to multi-task now?

She was driving her big pink monstrosity when she swerved. The newspapers said, "No one was hurt." Normally they say, "Luckily no one was hurt," but I suppose it is Jordon.

Apparently she tried to avoid a conviction by saying she was a "typical woman driver" - but failed and was fined £1,000.

And there goes decades of the feminist movement. Of course she's wrong, she's nothing like a "typical driver" of any gender. She's more like a "typical car" because she's mainly factory-made and has twin airbags as standard.

>Read the source story
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28/09/2010

Send It Like Beckham

Irma NiciThe Daily Star was saying that David Beckham's private eyes have finally tracked down lying hooker Irma Nici and slapped her with a £16 million libel writ.

That doesn't sound so difficult. Just go to where she's stripping and fold the writ up like it's a twenty.

The Beckhams are apparently celebrating this by taking a "second honeymoon".

That makes sense. Sounds like he's had a "second stag do" recently.

Private detectives acting for the couple tracked down the 26-year-old Bosnian beauty to New York's luxury W hotel.

Ouch! That must've cost them a lot of money to hire private detectives just to find a hooker. At least Wayne Rooney just used the Yellow Pages.
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27/09/2010

Simon Cowell Gets Left Behind

A topical comedy article about Simon CowellSimon Cowell's biography is the book most often left behind in hotel rooms.

Really? I thought it would be the bible. There's been one left in every hotel room I've been in. Those Christians are a forgetful bunch. That's why they're lucky Jesus's birthday lands on Christmas, or they'd probably forget.

Travelodge say more than 20 thousand books were left in its rooms last year.

It makes you wonder, what are the reasons for leaving a copy of Simon Cowell's biography? There are two. Some people bought, didn't like it, and couldn't be bothered to carry it home. Or is it that some people bought it, loved it so much they stayed in their Travelodge room during a holiday just to devour every page and left it so the next person to have that room can share in the joy?

In this case there could be a third reason. Some people are big fans of Simon Cowell, bought the biography but didn't realise that to enjoy a book you have to be able to read.

The most shocking thing about this news story is that it's an unauthorised biography. I'm surprised Simon Cowell hasn't written an autobiography because, from my days as a writer, I can remember the advice I was given, "If you want to be successful write about something you love."

>Read the source story
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23/09/2010

Recession Update - Toilet Roll Is Getting Smaller

Asda Shades getting smaller newsA supermarket has admitted reducing the width of its toilet paper after a customer complained it was getting smaller.

Don't panic, it's only a little bit smaller. It's not like you'll be flossing.

72-year-old Ted Saunders measured a sheet on a new roll of Asda "Shades" and found it was 5mm narrower than the old one.

Wow. You have to have a lot of self confidence to do that, to use a new toilet roll and think, "This paper is smaller." Most of us would notice the difference and think, "Oh dear, my bum's getting bigger."

>Read the source story
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Vince Cable's Post-Speech Interview

a topical comedy audio bitThe man who predicted the recession (then again, he's so old he's lived through five of them) Vince Cable gave his speech at the Lib Dem conference and it was big news.

Vinny attacked economic short-termism and speculation. He basically had a good old rant about capitalism and had a go at the bankers... like any taxi driver you've had for the last two years. At least he didn't blame it on the immigrants.

But what is he going to do next? Well, have a listen below and find out.

Listen!

Please feel free to leave your comments.

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Beckham's Bedroom Hatrick

A footballer in a sex scandal. Do you think the newspapers write these stories every time or do they just cut, paste and change a few names?

This time a 'hooker' has claimed David Beckham had a threesome with her.

Sounds like she's a schizo too. You can't have a three-in-a-bed session with only two people. Or is she saying it was David and his wife? Even then that only makes about 2.5 people by mass.

The headline seems a bit harsh, "Beckham's Fury At 3-In-Bed Hooker Claims". Fury? Come on, if you imply a bloke has had some three-way action, he's not furious. He takes it as a compliment but pretends to be upset to keep the missus happy.

But then you read the story and it says, "Irma Nici, 26, claimed he paid her £3,200 in cash to have unprotected sex at New York's Le Parker Meridien hotel in August 2007."

Ah, she claimed he paid for it. There's no compliment there. He's thinking, "Oi! I'm David Beckham. Haven't you seen the Armani ads, I could get it for free."

Wayne Rooney should say the same excuse to Coleen. She looks like she needs a good laugh.

>Read the source story
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21/09/2010

Radio 2 DJ Sarah Kennedy - 'I Wasn't Drunk, hic!'

topical comedyRadio 2 DJ Sarah Kennedy has said she was never drunk on air.

That's a shame. I'd love it if she called Andrew Sachs too. "'Ere, I did your granddaughter. She was... Game For A Laugh!"

There were rumours that Sarah Kennedy often turned up for her early morning radio show drunk, but she insisted she drank only orange juice or water before her show.

Isn't that worse? If you act like you're drunk because you're drunk, then OK, you were drunk. If you turn up to a radio show with a tattoo you don't remember getting and a traffic cone on your head and you haven't touched a drop... you've got bigger problems.

This is the actual quote from the paper, she said: "I have never, never, never in my life gone into the BBC other than being stone cold sober. It wouldn't even occur to me. I mean that from the bottom of my heart."

And then she said: "'Cos you and me, we're like best mates, yeah?. I f***ing love you, man. (Burp!) I wanna kebab."

>Read the source story
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Match Fixing Is Just Not Cricket

 Ijaz Butt Match Fixing Cricket topical comedyThe cricket bribery scandal keeps growing and it led to fisticuffs at Lord's. England's Jonathan Trott and Pakistan's Wahab Riaz brawled over match-fix revelations. The pair grabbed each other by the throat and hurled four-letter abuse.

I don't know who won that fight but I heard Riaz was going to take a dive in the second round.

This comes after Ijaz Butt, the head of Pakistan cricket, says he believes England players have been paid to lose.

Well yeah. They're English sportsmen. That's what they do. If we didn't pay our sportsmen when they lost they'd all be on benefits.

All of this name calling and mud slinging came about because, on the weekend, a newspaper said illegal bookies in Dubai and India appeared to know in advance what would happen in Friday's Oval match.

Is that such a bad thing? Some of these cricket matches go on for five days. If we could find out the result at the start think of all the time we could save.

>Read the source story
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20/09/2010

Pope's Gone Home

The Pope has gone home after his little UK holiday. When I get home from a holiday I hate having to do all those loads of washing. Still, at least he only has to do whites.

There was a great picture on the front cover of The Mirror the other day. I have included it at the top of this section because if you describe it you start to worry. It's someone from the Catholic church heading towards a young child. Oh dear.

But when you see the picture it's less worrying. It's a man wearing white, leaning out of a white van towards a young child. He looks like an ice cream man.

A lot of people were upset by this papal visit and I was too. He arrived in Edinburgh. That's about a month too late. The festival is all over now. If he would've got his ass in gear he could've come along to the show I did up there. I'd love to be the MC when the Pope is in the audience.

MC: Do we have anyone from overseas in?
POPE: Yep.
MC: Oh, where are you from?
POPE: The Vatican.
MC: I was going to say that's not a proper country but we're in Scotland right now. So, what's your name?
POPE: Er, Benedict the 16th.
MC: The 16th? So you're a small fraction? Isn't it time the Catholic church modernised? You should express that as a decimal. Eh? I'm here all week, try the veal.
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16/09/2010

Aspirin - A Cure For Cancer

In The Express today, new research claims aspirin could stop bowel cancer.

That's great, but I only like to take aspirin orally. I tried it as a suppository once and I didn't like it. Admittedly, it was my fault for using a soluble tablet.

It was a mixture of hair and foam down there. Honestly, my bum looked like a rabid bear with a cleft palette.

Anyway, according to the report taking an aspirin every day can cut the chance of getting the cancer by at least 30%.

That's good news, unless you're in an unhappy marriage. Taking those aspirins means you can't use the excuse of having a headache to turn down sexual advances. And even worse, those same aspirin mean your hubby knows your bum's in working order.

>Read the source story
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15/09/2010

British Petroleum Report - Audio Bits

British Petroleum, aka BP, aka messy gits, produced their own report into the Deepwater Horizon disaster. Some said it was biased, some said it was fair. Some said things that actually made no sense but kind of got a laugh, and that's what this website is here for.

Below is an audio feature, just 1:35 long, about the BP report. Just press play to have a quick listen.

Listen!

And please feel free to leave your comments.
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BBC's Empire Strikes Back

Members of BBC staff are threatening strike action over their pension deal. It could affect some of the broadcaster's TV shows.

Surely we could come to some compromise. How about some BBC staff can strike but only those who work on that new show E20? That way, everyone is happy.

The National Union of Journalists, Bectu and Unite plan two 48-hour strikes designed to cause maximum disruption.

But even if they cause a lot of disruption, there'll be no one left to report it. It won't get mentioned in the news as there'll be no journalists left to broadcast it.

I feel sorry for some of the BBC workers who have to strike. It's easy if you work on the 9 O'clock News and it's easy if you work on Panorama. But if you try to protest when you work on "Can't Cook, Won't Cook", you'll just blend in.

>Read the source story

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13/09/2010

Lady Gaga's Meaty Treat

Lady Gaga has caused all kinds off controversy after wearing a meat dress at the MTV Video Music Awards.

I don't see why. I often leave the house covered in my own food. If you have a meat coat people get upset, if you have meat down the front of your Star Wars T-shirt, you're golden.

And I've met women who have had meat underpants. Well, at least it smelt like the... you don't want to hear the rest.

It comes after Gaga recently angered animal rights activists by posing for a Japanese magazine in a 'meat bikini'.

I didn't even know you could get clothes that are made from meat. Although it explains those naked picture of Kerry Katona. Like she could hold off eating.

It's a strange fashion choice. I've left it late to do a wash in the past but I have never run out of all my clothes and had to get dressed from the fridge.

GaGa went on Ellen DeGeneres's TV show to explain why she did it. She said: "It has many interpretations, but if we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights, pretty soon we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones. And I am not a piece of meat."

Hmm. Makes sense. But then she added: "I never thought I'd be asking Cher to hold my meat purse."

And I bet Cher was shocked when you actually produced a purse made from meat. She was busy warming up her hands.

It's not the first time Lady GaGa has done something to be shocking. She once posed nude for a magazine. Now when you look at those pictures you think, "Tut. Put some meat on."

>Read the source story










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Rooney's Crying Shame

The Mirror says Wayne Rooney cried after having a 3-in-a-bed session with two escorts. If they were £1,200 each, I'd cry too. I hate it when I pay over the odds for something I could do DIY at home.

A source said: "Wayne and his friends used to get a directory sent up from reception and pick out what took their fancy."

How old fashioned. I use Google for everything these days. Of course, if you Google "£1,200 escort" you get sent to AutoTrader.

The new girl who teamed up with Jenny Thompson said: "Wayne told us he'd never had a threesome before. He didn't want us to put on a lesbian sex show. He was more into two girls pleasuring him at the same time."

Well, he does play better when he's up the middle.

>Read the source story
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12/09/2010

Let's Get Physically Violent And Sent To Jail

Normally I like to write about news stories you may have heard of already but this one doesn't stand a chance. I was so shocked by the lack of a story in this news story I had to mention it.

A guy wearing a T-shirt that said, "Let's Get Physical", hit someone. And the paper thinks that's news?

It was a simply coincidence. It would be news-worthy if the guy went home first to change into a T-shirt that fit his actions. "You're throwing me out of this pub? Right, you just wait there. I'll be back in about half an hour dressed differently, and then you'll be sorry."

I love the idea of him going through his wardrobe trying to find the T-shirt that best fits his emotion. "Frankie Says Relax? No way! I Shot JR? Could be."

It's not even as if he hit the guy because his T-shirt told him to do it. No one treats the slogan on their top as a "What Would Jesus Do" bracelet. "This guy's really annoying me. What should I do, oh wise Fruit of the Loom?"

He's not the first guy who did something that just happened to fit what it says on his shirt. Wayne Rooney is sponsored by Nike, and their slogan is, "Just Do It".

>Read the source story
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Ricky Hatton's Drugs Shame

It's a Sunday, it must be time for the News of the World to ruin another celeb's life.

Yep, they're saying that boxing legend Ricky Hatton has been caught on camera snorting cocaine.

Tut. Doesn't he realise that snorting cocaine can really mess up your nose... oh, he's a boxer.

That's a bit like warning Ozzy Osbourne that a diet low in omega 3 could affect his brain function.

Ironically photos of Hatton have been emblazoned on taxis all over Manchester promoting the Crimestoppers campaign, urging the public to shop lawbreakers.

I bet he's glad he didn't do the adverts for the Terrence Higgins Trust.

Rickey went on a shocking 10-hour drink and drugs binge. According to the newspaper, he poured a white powder on to a table top before cutting it into three massive lines with a credit card. Finally he expertly hoovered them up his nose through a rolled up £20 note.

That is more evidence that our sportsmen get paid too much. He should have to snort it through a £5 note like we all do.

>Read the source story


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10/09/2010

Rooney Update‭ ‬-‭ ‬It's Coleen's Fault

According to the front page of the Daily Star today, Wayne Rooney says: "Preggers Coleen Drove Me To Tarts".

That's ridiculous.‭ ‬Surely he could afford a taxi.

I know it can be tricky if you ask the taxi to wait.‭ ‬You don't really enjoy your visit because you're aware that the meter's running.

It's typical of a man to blame his other-half when he cheats.‭ ‬Wayne says it's because she was pregnant.‭ ‬Some guys get the symptoms of sympathetic pregnancy.‭ ‬Let me guess,‭ ‬Wayne had some strange cravings too‭?

But the football love rat still said sorry in dramatic style yesterday by filling their‭ £‬5million mansion with flowers.

What card do you send with those flowers‭?

Roses are read
tripe is offal
I just had to prove
I could score in a brothel

>Read the source story
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09/09/2010

Katy Perry Sees The Light

Katy Perry admits she is afraid of the dark.

She probably has to avoid standing in the shadow of Russell Brand's hair.

Katy even has to sleep with the light on unless she is with her fiancé.

Really? I'd sleep with the lights on when he was there. It's the only way to be sure he doesn't slip out.

Katy said: "I think a lot of evil things go on in the dark. I still have to cover my toes because I'm like that kid who thinks there's a witch under my bed who's going to eat my tootsies off.

I guess you're not too worried about anyone trying to eat your knockers off.



>Read the source story
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08/09/2010

Working Trip To Wiltshire

I was working as a cover radio presenter for the first few days of this week. It was a bit of a drive to Wiltshire so I stayed in a B&B, which meant I had some time on my hands.

This is how I wasted that time. I made a video of my working trip to Wiltshire.

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07/09/2010

Jenny Thompson - The Rooney Vice Girl

The woman who Wayne Rooney paid for some sexual action has said she has slept with 13 other footballers.

Wow. She's the only woman whose fanny has a transfer window.

It says in The Star, "Vice girl Jenny Thompson was a 'magnet' for flash players in the trendy bars and clubs that she trawled."

She must have loved having sex with Chelsea players. Give them a tap on the ankle and they go down for ten minutes.

According to a source in the newspaper: "She deliberately targeted footballers because they're so rich, flash and fundamentally not the sharpest pencils in the box."

Yeah, and half way through they change ends.

The source added: "Some she really fancied and had genuine one-night stands with. Others she thought nothing of charging. She went missing from one bar with one of them and came back saying she'd given him a quickie in the loo and charged him £75.

But she charged Wayne Rooney £1,200.

I know he's not a looker but that still seems harsh. It would've been cheaper for him to just put a bag on his head.

Listen Jenny, if you don't like the look of someone, don't charge more, just face the other way. Actually, if she was facing the other way... that would probably cost more.

>Read the source story
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Tony Blair Left With Egg On His Face

Tony Blair has cancelled a high-profile signing of his new book, "A Journey", because of fears of people throwing "missiles".

It actually said missiles in the paper. He had shoes and eggs thrown at him. If the missiles he used to attack Afghanistan were mainly shoes and eggs there wouldn't be the big mess happening over there. Although it's a hot country, so there would be a large, leathery omelette.

Eggs and shoes were thrown by demonstrators at a previous signing in Dublin and anti-war groups had promised a mass protest outside Waterstone's in Piccadilly, Central London. Tony said he cancelled the singing to spare people the huge cost.

He's right, because the kind of people who'd go on an anti-war demonstration aren't the kind of people who would buy the cheap caged hen eggs.

I think that's what happened in Dublin. Someone threw an egg at him and his bodyguard shouted, "Duck!" but the egg hit him and Tony said, "No. I think it was a Norfolk Grey."

>Read the source story
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06/09/2010

Wayne Rooney - No Point Crying Over Spilt Man Milk

With all the work I'm doing on radio at the moment it's very annoying that I can't talk about the Wayne Rooney story. Let's be honest, he won't be listening to the breakfast shows I have been covering. He'll be too busy making breakfast in bed.

But those are the laws that govern radio broadcast in the UK; I can't repeat any allegations made in print. That makes sense. He's a footballer. He's far more likely to listen to someone saying words than actually read them.

But on the web I can say what I like, so here goes.

Yep, it's claimed that Wayne Rooney slept with a £1,200-a-night prostitute, Jenny Thompson, while his missus was pregnant.

OMG. I'm shocked. I didn't know he could count that high.

He spent the night with her but I imagine that was 5 minutes of sex and the rest of the night spent counting out twenties.

Normally it's Coleen who wastes lots of money buying things when she already has something at home that's slightly older but it would do.

According to the Mirror today Wayne wasn't even apologetic. It says when Wayne confessed to his missus he made it out to be "no big deal". And a family friend said: "Coleen never expects him to be Mr Emotional, but he just mumbled an apology as if he'd just spilled a glass of milk."

A whole glass? Well, he's still a young man.

Do you know who I feel sorry for in all this? Peter Crouch. He cheated on his missus with a £800-a-night escort. How cheap does he look now!

>Read the source story
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03/09/2010

Lady GaGa Hospitalised

Lady GaGa has been in hospital six times last year because of her yo-yo dieting.

It's no surprise because there are very little vitamins, minerals and essential fatty acids in a yo-yo. It's just plastic and string.

I'm joking. I know that's not what yo-yo dieting is. It's when you go on an off of some really strict diets. It's a bad name for it because surely yo-yo dieting should be a better title for bulimia. As soon as the food goes down it comes up again. Now that's like a yo-yo.

And when you get really good at it you can do tricks. If you position your hands just right while you're trowing up you can do Rock The Cradle.

GaGa's tour manager, David Ciemny, said: "When I say she was sick, I mean physically and mentally."

She wears doilies over her face, often dresses up as a tree and even calls herself GaGa. And you didn't already guess she was a bit mental?

Last week Lady GaGa caused some upset when she said she sometimes uses cocaine because it aids creativity.

With a nose like that she should be on her seventh novel by now.

>Read the source story
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'It's Over', The Coles

Cheryl Cole will be granted a divorce from her footballer husband. That's good news if you have fancied Cheryl. She's now free to do what her husband was doing for the last few years.

In the paper it said her divorce would be a "quickie" from Ashley.

She's not the first woman who can claim to have had one of those.

They separated in February following allegations about the sportsman's infidelity. In January 2008 it was revealed that he had slept with hairdresser Aimee Walton.

I have never been with a hairdresser but I do worry that they try to have inane conversations during the act. "Oooh yeah, ooh yeah! Oooh, have you been anywhere nice this year?"

Although it would be worth it if, when you've finished, she gets a mirror out to show you the other angles.

In February this year it was in the news that Ashley bombarded women with naked pictures of himself from his mobile.

It makes David Beckham look like a saint. He only send rude text messages, he didn't know how to work MMS. And in Beckham's defence, if I had a voice like that I would flirt via text.

The Cole's will split their £20million fortune equally but Cheryl will get the dogs.

I'm sure he'll get some once he hits the nightclubs again.

>Read the source story
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02/09/2010

William Hauge - I'm Not Into Men

William Hague issued an extraordinary statement hitting back at gossip about his sexuality. There had been rumours that he was having a gay affair with a special adviser, Christopher Myers.

I don't know why he took it all so seriously. As a fellow bald man, if someone implies that you are getting any sex you take it as a compliment.

The Foreign Secretary admitted he shared a hotel room with his special adviser while campaigning for the election.

As a nation, we're so childish. We drag the politicians over the coals for spending too much on their expenses and then, as soon as one makes a saving by sharing a hotel room, we go, "Er, sharing a room with a man? You love him!"

We might as well have said, "William and his adviser sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

William said rumours they were having an affair were false and mean spirited and declared he had never had a relationship with any man.

I think I can see how this got out of hand if someone from a newspaper spoke to someone who worked for the hotel.

REPORTER: Which room is William Hague in?
JANITOR: He's in room 201 with another man.
REPORTER: He has men who travel with him and stay in the same room?
JANITOR: Oh yeah, he has aids.
REPORTER: Ooooooh!

>Read the source story
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01/09/2010

Tony Blair - A Cheap Journey

Tony Blair's memoir is out. I can't wait to read it. As if living through it wasn't painful enough, you can now read the highlights.

It was originally going to be called "The Journey" but it was changed last minute to "A Journey". It's a small change but the right one.

"The Journey" implies there is only one journey, whereas there are actually loads of different journeys. I travelled back from Scotland this week. That was 'a journey' and not 'the journey' because at no point during the flight did I meet Noel Gallagher and invade a foreign country without due provocation.

Blair's book is already on sale for less than half price. It was meant to be £25 but WHSmith seem to think people will only be willing to pay £10 for it.

That must be because of the recession. I bet he wishes he had sacked Gordon Brown now.

Still, I don't think Mr Blair really worries about the book. He keeps himself busy. He's off to America to receive the Liberty Medal from Bill Clinton, a prestigious award given to people who pursue the "ideals and values upon which the United States was founded".

But Tony started a war that exploited the people native to a foreign land to get access to the natural resour... oh, I see. Carry on.

>Read the source story
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