28/11/2010

Breastfeeding At Work

Breastfeeding At WorkA great headline: "Breastfeed Your Baby In The Office".

I should point out, it means if you work in that office. Don't just turn up to someone else's place of work and start serving.

This is the news that mothers will be able to bring their babies to work and businesses will be asked to provide them with special breastfeeding facilities under Government plans to be announced this week.

A lot of the newspapers are moaning at this, but I think it's great. (I spend a lot of time sat in coffee shops in the week and if we can these babies out of Costa* and into the workplace I might actually get a seat.)

It said in the paper: "The controversial proposal set out in a White Paper could cost employers thousands a year and business leaders warned last night the move could threaten jobs."

Why would it threaten jobs? If anything it will improve productivity. Have you ever been sat near someone who's breastfeeding? As soon as you notice you think, "Well, I can't look. She'll think I'm a sicko who's into that. I won't take my eyes off my computer screen"

You'd get so much more work done you'd be promoted in weeks.

It comes after the European Parliament voted in favour of the Pregnant Workers Directive, which would introduce mandatory paid breastfeeding breaks for new mothers.

You can get paid to breastfeed? That makes Cash 4 Gold seem pointless.

Firms would have to allow the breaks, provide a breastfeeding area for the new mums and also provide a special separate fridge.

That last one isn't for the benefit of the mums, it's for everyone else. No one wants to make a drink at work and think, "Hmm, this tastes a bit... like Carol's boobs."

>Read the source story



* Seriously, why do people bring babies and toddlers to a place where every table has scolding hot liquid on it? Take them into the pubs; the drinks are no warmer than room temperature there.
Share:

24/11/2010

An Aspirin A Day...

TelegraphAccording to the Telegraph, all over-45s should take a daily dose of aspirin.

I agree. I'm only in my thirties and already I find kids today too noisy. If I were over 45 I'd have a pounding headache from all those kids walking round listening to music on their mobile phone speakers. And when you go in a coffee shop you have to pause mid-sentence when some kids orders a drink make from crushed ice. It's winter! Stop it!

Mr FrostyOr even better, get yourself a Mr Frosty and stay at home. And then you can play music on a proper speaker and stop bothering society.

New academic research shows that that the benefits for many healthy middle-aged and older people "far outweigh" the side effects of taking aspirin.

One of the main side effects of taking aspirin everyday is divorce. Because if a husband wants to get frisky with his wife who's over 45, and she says, "No dear, I have a headache..."

>Read the source story
Share:

22/11/2010

A Cheryl Cole Exclusive

a topical comedy audio bitCheryl Cole might be getting some flack on X Factor but don't feel too sorry for her. Her least 'revealing' autobiography, "Through My Eyes" (Bantam, £18.99) is going to be a big hit this Christmas.

I bet when "Bantam" approached her she said, "No, I'm not a boxer, I only do that in nightclub toilets."

To find out more about her new book have a listen below...

Listen!

>Read the source story
Share:

Ireland Needs A Telethon

Ireland Needs A TelethonLooks like we'll be giving Ireland £7.5billion as part of a huge international bailout of £86billion.

Why not? It's not like we're in debt at the moment! Imagine trying that yourself. Get into massive debt and when the bank manager asks what you're doing with your money, say, "Oh, I'm just giving it away."

It will mean every British family paying about £440 to help save the Irish economy.

I don't mind paying money to help out those in a foreign country who are in need, but I at least expect a Comic Relief show or something. I'll pay up as long as I get to see Lenny Henry over there. Hey, if it's true about how much they drink over there he won't be the only one with a big red nose.

The only way Ireland will get out of their money troubles is to borrow but it is just a shame they have to ask us. Hey, Ireland, did you know Ocean Finance now have their own TV channel...



>Read the source story
Share:

21/11/2010

Pope's OK With Condoms

TelegraphFront page of the Sunday Telegraph had this headline: "The Pope approves use of condoms to fight Aids."

It seems like he's going to lengths to point out that they should only be used to fight Aids, nothing else. So if you're a drugs mule, this is not for you.

It will be tricky to use a condom to only stop Aids but not stop pregnancy. It'll require a centrifuge, a turkey baster and luck.

The paper says the Pope will signal a historic shift in the position of the Roman Catholic Church this week by saying condoms can be morally justified... but only if you have Aids?

What kind of moral guidance is that? If you want to use a condom you'd better get yourself some Aids. We'll find teenage Catholics watching the film Philadelphia saying, "Lucky b*****d!"
Share:

20/11/2010

Jason Manford Web Sex

Jason Manford Web SexJason Manford quit the BBC's "The One Show" after admitting internet sex sessions with 12 female fans. The comedian revealed he had betrayed his wife with steamy chats to 12 girls on Twitter and video calls on Skype.

It makes you think. First it was Leslie Grantham and EastEnders, now Jason Manford and The One Show. It's a good thing I didn't get a TV job before I bought this webcam.

He announced his decision to leave the 7pm BBC1 show in a statement, saying: "I have decided after careful consideration to stand back from The One Show to concentrate on my family."

It said in the newspaper that they are looking for a replacement for Jason Manford. Erm, *cough*, I'd be great. I flirt and ask for nude pictures all the ti.... ooh, you mean on The One Show? Forget it!

He revealed he had spent hours in hotel rooms in conversation with scantily-clad female fans. Jason said: "If I was reading this about someone else, I'd think, 'How can he look at himself in the mirror?'"

Eugh. You don't want to catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror while you're having web sex. It would put you right off (and remind you you have bad posture).

This whole episode just goes to show, I need to stop asking women for rude pix or stop trying to be a famous comic...

Consider my forthcoming gigs cancelled.

>Read the source story
Share:

18/11/2010

Wagner - Your Friend With Benefits

Wagner On BenefitsGet this for X Factor scandal. Wagner has been getting incapacity benefit.

If anyone should be getting that it's Katie Waissel, because it looks like she can't do anything right at the moment.

The Brazilian has become a hit on the ITV1 show with his strange singing and strenuous dance moves.

But while he's throwing those shapes he's also getting money for being injured.

He is believed to have raked in at least £91.40 a week in benefits and is likely to have been eligible for further housing benefit cash.

I don't think anyone begrudges him the injury money, we just want him to actually be injured. (Preferably live on telly.)

A DWP source confirmed it was aware of Wagner's claims and said he had done "nothing wrong".

Nothing wrong? He totally killed Meatloaf's 'Bat out of Hell'.

>Read the source story
Share:

Royal Wedding - Should We Care?

Royal WeddingIs this the biggest news ever and we haven't mentioned it yet on SomeNews... the royal wedding!

Since the news broke I have been working hard trying to give a sh*t about it. Hey, why should we care about a royal wedding these days? They're not like in the olden days when there's a chance it could end in a beheading. (Although there's a higher risk of traffic accident after – I wonder if that affects princesses' insurance? I'll call Shelia's Wheels later to see.)

Some people found it romantic that Prince William gave Kate Middleton his mother's cherished engagement ring.

Yeah, second hand. Very romantic. And it was hardly a lucky talisman the last time.

Still, it does make it more interesting. I wish them well but what would happen if they split up? Would she get to keep the ring? Maybe, but she'd probably avoid any tunnels for a while.

One reason I have started to find the story more interesting is the money. According to the Sun a royal wedding could earn this country billions. If that's the case, why were people upset by Prince Charles' divorce? He was just milking a cash cow.

Some women have been upset because it means Prince William won't be marrying them. Really? Let's be honest, it wasn't likely anyway. And if you want to be with a balding man who has mummy issues... call me!

>Read the source story
Share:

16/11/2010

The Real Apple Announcement

a topical comedy audio bitToday there was a 'big announcement' from Apple. Oooh, it was exiting. I was busy writing down my grid reference from my satnav because I thought people would ask, "Where were you when you heard the massive news?"

And then we heard it... Apple will be selling some Beatles songs. Is that it? I have a few Beatles CDs I could flog, where's my press conference?

But, it wasn't the only announcement regarding Apple today. Have a listen below to hear more...

Listen!

>Read the source story
Share:

12/11/2010

More X Factor Judges

More X Factor JudgesThe four X Factor judges could be joined by a fifth, so that we don't have a re-run of the mess Cheryl Cole caused by refusing to cast her vote.

That's great news. I don't care about the X Factor but that's one more job filled and it all helps the unemployment figures.

Simon Cowell was putting the final touches to the shake-up after he invited fans to a 'brainstorming summit'.

Wow. X Factor fans brainstorming. I image it was more like drizzle.

Twenty of the fans were asked how the ITV1 show could be improved.

Really? And they said, 'More judges'? That's the last thing I'd say.

Trap doors for when someone is voted off. A law making Simon Cowell do up his shirt. A booster seat for Louis. Wolf from The Gladiators with a pugil-stick. Anything like that would come before, 'More judges'.

>Read the source story
Share:

Student Riots

Student RiotsThe biggest news of the week has t have been the NUS protest. That's the interesting thing about the NUS, National Union of Students; it's the only union that calls a protest not a strike. I suppose, if all the students went on strike and stopped working for a day it wouldn't bother too many people. For film studies students, how would we tell they'd stopped?

Police have now admitted they were caught off guard by the mayhem that erupted after thugs hijacked a demo of 50,000 students.

It's wrong that it should be remembered as a violent demonstration. Most of the students held a peaceful protest and only a few kicked off.

That's like thinking all Doctor Who actors are odd just because of Sylvester McCoy... and Tom Baker... and Christopher E... anyway.

People have said the police response wasn't big enough. I remember when the May Day protests used to take place. I worked in Centre Point in London and across the road is an Argos. Every year during the protests they would board up Argos in case of rioting. If you are into the destruction of property, Argos is the last place you'd go.

"I wanna smash something up. I wanna smash... (looks through catalogue)... one of those! (types in numbers) Damn it, they're out of stock."

Still, this protest has worked. We all now know that tuition fees will go up by 300%. Tut. That's expensive. I really hope I have stupid kids. I might start smoking.

P.S. Have a quick listen to the audio comments on this one. Listen here.



>Read the source story
Share:

11/11/2010

Baby For Sale

baby for saleA Florida woman was charged with trying to sell her infant son in order to pay for a new car.

Wow. I didn't even know Madonna sold cars.

What happened was, the baby's grandmother brokered the deal and initially demanded $75,000 (£47,000) but agreed to cut the price to $30,000 when told the prospective buyer could not get a bank loan.

Shame she didn't have twins. I've seen Antiques Roadshow, you always get much more for a matching pair.

The mother of the eight-week-old boy, Stephanie Bigbee Fleming, 22, of Bradenton, Florida, was to receive $9,000 of the proceeds.

Wow. That's a really small cut. And milk farmers moan about the money they get. Think of all the work this woman put in.

The person they wanted to sell the baby to alerted police and worked with them during the negotiations. So let me get this right. They'd called the police and were haggling just for the sake of it. Well, it's good practise I guess. If you can get a good deal on someone's baby buying that new flatscreen TV should be a breeze.

>Read the source story
Share:

10/11/2010

Cheryl's Pie In The Face

Cheryl's Pie In The FaceCheryl Cole got custard pie in the face at Pride Of Britain Awards.

Wow! This is big news. It's the nearest she's been to food in ages.

The X Factor judge agreed to let fan Cameron Small, 12, chuck the cake at her as she presented him with the Young Fundraiser prize in exchange for a £5,000 donation to charity.

So, for £5,000 you can throw something at Cheryl? I think Trayc from X Factor will be having a whip-round.

Cheryl said: "Cameron has been so remarkable, getting a little bit of pie on my face is a small price to pay."

She's lucky. He's 12. Give him three more years and it wouldn't by pie on her face.

>Read the source story
Share:

09/11/2010

George W Bush's Memoirs

George W Bush's memoirsToday's Independent talks about George W Bush's memoirs.

Their headline is: "Regrets? Too few to mention."

Really, are you sure it shouldn't be "Too many to count"? And this is George W Bush, if he has more than ten regrets he'd have to take his shoes off to count them. If he had 21 he's have to get naked.

He doesn't regret water-boarding people. Let's be honest, he probably thinks water-boarding means surfing.

I don't think anyone is surprised by that. No one thought he'd be filled with regret about water-boarding suspected terrorists. In fact he's probably happy it also gave them wash.

The most shocking thing from these memoirs is that Bush says he had a competition with his political adviser Karl Rove to see who could read the most history books in a year.

I didn't even know Pete And Jane were in that many history books.

Rove won with 110 but Dubya wasn't far behind, he read 95 in all. To be fair to George he had all that colouring in to do too.

>Read the source story
Share:

08/11/2010

Prisoners Go Home (Like E.T.)

today's newsThousands of foreign prisoners are to be sent home to serve their sentences in their home countries.

The right wing newspapers are loving this story. It's right up their street. These are the same newspaper that got upset when youth offenders were sent on a holiday. How is it any different? You do a crime and they buy you a plane ticket.

OK, some of them will have to suffer cramped confinement, substandard food and a total lack of respect for their human rights, but that's what happens when you travel by RyanAir.

Did you know, it costs the taxpayer £38,000 to keep someone in jail for a year, that's more than the fees to send a pupil to Eton?

If you go to prison you'll meet other criminals and get better at crime, so when you get out you'll take from the good people of the UK. Whereas if you go to Eton you can become a Tory MP and you'll take from the good people of... you see what I'm saying.

So, if you want to save money don't send the criminals to prison, send them to Eton. Either way, they won't want to pick up the soap in the shower.

>Read the source story
Share:

04/11/2010

Prisoner Suffragettes

Prison's VotesThe Express got upset today about the fact that prisoners in the UK will get the right to vote.

Don't worry. I don't think they'll make it to the polling stations.

The newspaper said: "A cave-in by the Government could see about 70,000 inmates including murderers, rapists and paedophiles being allowed to cast ballots."

Why are people so worried? Do they think the politicians will start aiming for the murder vote? They'll promise to cut the VAT on shovels?

And as for the paedophile vote, again there's no need to worry. A lot of polling station are set up in schools and they're not allowed within 50-yards.

Your average paedophile won't like many politicians anyway. They'll be saying, "Hey! How come he gets to kiss babies?"

The newspaper went on to say: "The Prime Minister was 'exasperated' at losing the ban, but the Government had no choice."

I bet Cameron was upset. It would've been a great Tory plan. Cut benefits, make the poor turn to crime and send the poor to jail where they can't vote. The next election would be a Tory landslide.

We should all get over it. It won't make a difference, most prisoners like most non-prisoners, won't vote and it won't swing elections. I just wish they let the prisoners campaign a little harder first. I wanted to see prisoner suffragettes. They'd already be chained to some bars.

>Read the source story
Share:

03/11/2010

Obama Suffers Blow

Obama Suffers BlowHeadline of the day has to be "Obama Suffers Blow". It must be a Democrat thing because I remember Bill Clinton suffered the same. Suffer seems like the wrong word (although Lewinsky did have large teeth).

Barack has done badly in the mid-terms. I know, if you're British, that sounds like some sort of school mock exam. In some ways it is, and Obama has had the test handed back with red pen all over it.

Yeah, it was only a few years ago that the world rejoiced when America voted in Barack. "No more Bush!" they chanted round the White House. Well, they chanted that when Clinton left too but that was different.

We were so happy that the new guy wouldn't be starting wars all over the globe. He wouldn't be making people want to blow things up in the West. He wouldn't be an embarrassment. Well, that was just too low profile for some right wing Americans, and they protested with their vote.

It seems a lot of Americans were upset with the universal health care Obama brought in. How dare he try and give health care... to everyone! That's just not very America. Hey, you won't enjoy that new kidney if you don't feel like you've earned it.

The Democrats lost control of the House of Representatives. But it's not all doom and gloom for the left. In a rare triumph, Democrat Jerry Brown won the California seat despite spending nothing on campaigning compared to his opponent Meg Whitman's £800million, including £100m of her own money. Former eBay boss Whitman said in defeat: "Tonight has not turned out quite as we had hoped."

Now she knows how I felt when I was outbid for those Star Trek NG egg cups. (The egg made the Picard look life-like.)

>Read the source story
Share:

02/11/2010

British Army Under French Control

British Army Under French ControlThe British army is to take French orders.

So, looks like we're surrendering.

I'm kidding. I'd like to thank the spirit of Stan Boardman for that joke. If you don't know who Stan Boardman is, he was a cross between John Bishop and... no, just John Bishop.

Britain and France will sign a new 'entente cordiale' which will put the security of the UK and her overseas territories in the hands of the French for 50 years.

It's either a clever way to pool resources and save money during a time of economic depression, or it's the end of a really long salvo in the battle of Waterloo.

If we find out this has been the French strategy all along they deserve the win.

This document has been a big risk for the security of the UK. Not that teaming up with the French is a risk. But flying the ink cartridges in to print it...

>Read the source story
Share:

01/11/2010

Alcohol vs Illegal Drugs

News about alcoholAlcohol is more dangerous than illegal drugs like heroin, ecstasy and crack cocaine, a new study has said.

A study of what, Amy Winehouse's second album?

Researchers rated alcohol the most dangerous substance based on the overall dangers to the individual and society as a whole.

I guess what they're saying is, if you're going on a work's Christmas party you'd better get off your tits first. That might be the best advice ever printed in a paper.

Professor David Nutt's team analysed how addictive a drug is and how it harms the human body as well as other factors like environmental and socio-economic costs, such as health care, social services, and prison.

They found heroin, crack cocaine and methamphetamine to be the most lethal to individuals. When considering their wider social effects, alcohol, heroin and crack cocaine were the most dangerous. But overall, alcohol outranked all other substances.

Typical. They're not thinking about the positive effects of a drug on society. If it was for alcohol most of those DNA tests on The Jeremy Kyle Show would be pointless. And then what would I do in the mornings?

>Read the source story
Share:

Get the FREE SomeNews email






"Today's Some News email is hilarious... Subscribe if you haven't yet! Top stuff" 

Twitter

LIVE SHOWS

The SomeNews Live Show
See where the SomeNews Live Show will be next.

Contact

Written/edited by Mr Steve N Allen
If you need to get in touch email info@somenews.co.uk, call 07510334318 or Skype SomeNews.co.uk. See the About SomeNews page for more info.

Followers

Blog Archive