27/12/2010

Woman Who Came Back From Dead Dies

Woman wakes in coffinWhat an amazing story that has unfolded over the last few days. First we heard that an 88-year-old Brazilian woman woke up in her own coffin before it was buried.

Oh, that's my worst nightmare.... being Brazilian! Kidding! Nearly being buried alive.

The woman was pronounced dead at 4:50pm on Dec. 22 and sent to a funeral home.

She was lying motionless exactly like she had passed away. Sounds like a woman I dated.

She woke up at 8:30pm in her own coffin. Imagine waking up in a coffin. You'd think, "Oh no! I'm a vampire."

The story doesn't have a happy ending though before two days later she died, properly this time.

She died, came back to life and two days later died again. Shame she didn't do all that round Easter.

>Read the source story
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21/12/2010

Vince Cable - The Musical?

a topical comedy audio bitVince Cable has done it again. He's been moaning about BSkyB and it's landed him in some trouble. It's not the first time he has opened his mouth to moan.

Basically he's a grumpy old man. If you saw him in a Post Office you'd avoid standing next to him in case he went off on one about how small 5 pence pieces are these days.

But let's celebrate the grumpy nature of our Vince before it's too late.

Listen!

>Read the source story


P.S. And now.... The Music Video

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20/12/2010

Google Pants

pants on a wireA Japanese woman is suing Google for showing images of her underwear.

I hope it was on Street View, not Google Earth, or she has a really big arse.

It makes you feel sorry for astronauts: "What's that big thing to the right of the Great Wall of China? It's like it's watching us. There... it winked!"

The unnamed lady is requesting 600,000 Yen (£4,588) from the search engine, claiming that she suffered psychological distress from her washing line being displayed on the Google Maps feature.

According to Japan's Mainichi newspaper, she told the court: "I was overwhelmed with anxiety that I might be the target of a sex crime."

Just how much of a draw do you think your pants are? And do you think the average sex criminal Googles to see where to attack first?

And wait a minute. You can get nearly 5-grand for showing your pants on Google? Right, I'm going to put a picture of mine on here and wait till the Google bot indexes this page...



That'll be £5,000 please!

>Read the source story
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18/12/2010

More Snow Trouble

The Daily ExpressThe front page of the Daily Express today goes with its usual racist message. In fact the only mention of anything that remotely brown is near the word 'drugs', so it's keeping to form.

The supertext is about the weather. Yet again, as a nation, we are brought to our knees by a little bit of snow.

We never have enough salt to fix the roads. We all eat too much of it and we're told that too much salt will kill us. And then we die in a crash on an icy road. Oh, the irony.
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Mum Rips Off Daughter-In-Law's Nipple

nipple ringAn odd story from New Mexico. A 30-year-old woman had her nipple torn off in a row with her 44-year-old mother–in-law.

I'm guessing the mother-in-law won the row?

The mother and son began to row at their home when the daughter-in-law stepped in; "leave it Terry, she's not worth it," stuff like that. So the mum grabs the wife by the nip and pulls. Ouch! What did she think would happen, as the nip went back in the wife would talk like an Action Man doll?

I know things probably get a bit snappy round you house when the in-laws visit but no one goes straight for the purple nurple. That's out of order.

And let's be honest, the son doesn't want to go near a nipple later on and think, "Is that mum's fingerprint?"

After the fight the younger woman felt wetness on her top so she lifted her jumper and her right nipple fell out.

Have you ever had a row where you lost even though you're sure you started out with a couple of good points...

Still, the mother-in-law was embarrassed. I bet she felt a right ti... nah, too easy.

>Read the source story
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13/12/2010

World Cup Update

World Cup UpdateA few weeks after we lost the chance to host the World Cup and the irony is lovely. All the people who were upset that we wouldn't get to have the international footballing tournament in the UK have gone back to moaning about all the foreigners who keep coming over here.

Just when the dust has nearly settled Sepp Blatter had to pipe up. He called the UK bad losers and said he was shocked by all the moaning we did.

Really? Has he ever met us before? Moaning is what we do, we're great at it. We moan when we don't get to host the World cup and we moan when we do get to host the Olympics. We moan. It's as simple as that.

I'd say we're probably the second best moaners in the world. We won't be the best because we're not that lucky. Someone would come along and beat us. See, I'm doing it again. We're naturals!

>Read the source story
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12/12/2010

Matt Cardle Wins X Factor

Matt CardleMatt Cardle has been voted winner of X Factor and he gets the million pound record contract.

Good. Now he might stop dressing like he's a Big Issue saleman.

He had been the bookies' favourite to take the crown for weeks and he got the most votes in most weeks of the whole competition. Rebecca came second.

I was expecting that no one would get the majority vote and Matt would have to form a coalition with Becca. It's OK, she'd upset some students and he'd still come out on top.

Boyband One Direction came third after being voted off earlier after 17-year-old singer Cher Lloyd was voted off the night before.

Cardle's celeb duet was with Rihanna. He really got 'into' it. In fact while he's got a music contract to look forward to he also has a sexual harassment in the workplace seminar to attend after the way he was rubbing himself on her.

It was a celebrity filled couple of shows. Ferguson performed a duet with Christina Aguilera and Dawn French was brought in for a chat on the Xtra Factor, although they brought French in to make Aguilera look normal sized.

>Read the source story
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Cher Didn't Even Want To Win

CherCher got voted off of The X Factor and in today's paper she said: "I didn't want to win anyway."

Wow! I thought we'd have nothing in common.

The 17-year-old wannabe reportedly lashed out at choreographers and singing coaches saying: "I'm going to make it anyway. You lot can stick it up your a***."

Isn't she just a delight? Some people have said she's like a little copy of Cheryl Cole, but this rant shows that's not true. Cher has a nasty and violent out-bust, but there wasn't a toilet attendant anywhere near her.

I don't want to be nasty to Cher but those eyebrows make her look like a ventriloquist's dummy.

It didn't help that when she was voted off she said, "I don't want to get gack in the gox."

Ironic that she said, "You lot can stick it up your a***," when she looks like that's where Cheryl's hand has been working her from.

>Read the source story
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09/12/2010

How Ann Widdecombe Should Be Remembered

Ann Widdecombe bananaAnn Widdecombe says that after Strictly Come Dancing she'll be remembered as "the dancing banana".

No no no. Bananas are low in fat.

During the show she was also described as a "Dalek in drag".

Makes you wonder what she was doing with that sink plunger.

But Ann is OK about not being remembered as a Tory politician, but being remembered as a rubbish dancer. In an interview in a newspaper she said: "Name me the Chancellor of the Exchequer under Macmillan. You can't, can you? Nobody can. Even the politicians who have reached the very top aren't remembered."

All good so far, but she adds: "When I play Trivial Pursuit there is a question about which Prime Minister was assassinated. I have to look up his name every time. Every time!"

You're not meant to look up answers when you play Trivial Pursuit. That's cheating! She's the kind of person who'd use Google on her phone at a pub quiz. Scum!

She should be remembered as a liar and a cheat. Oooh, maybe she will be remembered for being a Tory after all.

>Read the source story
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03/12/2010

Man Marries A Total Bitch

Man married dogA very strange story in the news today: a man from Australia has got married to a Labrador.

Wow! Sometimes those arranged marriages get it so wrong.

He's Joseph Guiso who tied the knot with Honey, a dog, aged five.

I can't believe they let this marriage take place. She's five! That's under-aged. Sicko!

Apparently the ceremony was going well till the end. Every time they threw the bouquet the bride kept fetching it back.

I don't think it will last. The trouble with marrying a dog is, it's only 12 months later that she gets the 7-year-itch.

>Read the source story
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02/12/2010

Tweet 2000 - A Twitter Celebration

My Tweet 2000 CelebrationOne of the reason this website works is because of the lovely people from Twitter who come here. Things have been going well for me on Twitter and I recently posted my 2,000th Tweet.

I didn't want to let the event pass without some sort of celebration, so here's a little something...



After that I bet you can't wait to join me on Twitter.
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That's An Ugly Cold Front

The front page of the Express today has a picture of Ann Widdecombe posing with two donkeys. Not the first time she's been seen with a couple of asses... she was in the Tory party remember.

An over-weight virgin and a donkey. It's like the world's worst nativity scene.

But the main story is about the weather. It's the coldest winter for 100 years and we still don't have the gritters doing their work to keep the roads clear.

Last we we ran out of salt. I know who was to blame for that, KFC. Seriously, you order three bits of chicken and they still throw some packets of salt in your bag. Who has salt with fried chicken? Salt and transfats. That's not a meal, it's a suicide attempt.

This year we have all the salt and grit that we need, we just can't spread it on the roads.

So, what should you do if you get caught out in the freezing snow? The answer is on the front page. Find yourself an Ann Widdecombe. You can slit her open with a light sabre and climb inside her like a Tauntaun in Star Wars.

"And I thought she smelled bad on the OUTSIDE!"
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