28/01/2011

Podcast 4 - Sexism, Phone Tapping and More Gypsy Weddings

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 4. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

Andy Gray and Richard Keys getting sacked for being sexist on Sky Sports.
Episode two of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding was just as good as the first.
Charlie Sheen is still off the rails.
Phone hacking by the News of the World gets another investigation.
Thanks to ITV1's This Morning we're talking about nudity.





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27/01/2011

Man Takes A Poo In A Shop

dirty protestIn poo news: A man went into a shop and asked to use their toilet. They said no so he crapped on the floor.

Let's be honest, that's all you need to know right there. Anything else in the story is just icing on the cake, so to speak.

Oh, I'd like to see this on Mary Partas: Secret Shopper.

On one level I almost admire him. I'm not sure I would have the inner fortitude to do big toilet while someone was watching and presumably shouting, "Oi! Don't dump on the shop floor." All the shouting would certainly put me off reading my newspaper.

After he left his man-mess he also left behind his dirty pants and took some sweets.

He touched sweets before washing his hands? Send him to jail!

And that's exactly what happened to him. He was arrested and sent to prison. He's going down to do a long stretch. Sounds like something he's good at.

>Read the source story
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26/01/2011

Gray Sacked For Perving Over TV Girl

Gray Sacked For Perving Over TV GirlToday's Sun newspaper goes with the headline: "Gray Sacked For Perving Over TV Girl"

That's a headline that made me panic. I thought, "If you can get fired for perving over a girl on the TV I can never watch Beeny's Restoration Nightmare again."

Thankfully it's not about that. It's Sky Sports presenter Andy Gray getting sacked after new footage emerged of him mocking a female colleague.

He was already at the centre of a sexism storm after making comments about female referee Sian Massey not knowing the offside rule.

Now we find he made "offensive" remarks towards Sky Sports presenter Charlotte Jackson.

He might know the offside rule but he can't tell when he's crossed the line.

Gray asked Charlotte to tuck in his shirt.

Was he trying to get some sort of sexual kick from that or has his belly got so large he can't actually reach over it now? We may never know.

But now he won't be commontating on any football games. He'll be at home, where he belongs.

>Read the source story
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The OANPs, Old Aged No-Pensioners

The OANPs, Old Aged No-PensionersToday The Daily Mail says: "Pensions Hit By New Tax Bungle"

Firstly, can't this country get anything right and secondly, why is a character from Rainbow in charge of tax. It's a day of big questions.

Millions of people face being denied their state pension because they have not been credited with the National Insurance contributions they actually have made.

Is this the latest 'austerity measure' from the coalition? They rondomly pick some people to get no pension to help pay off the deficit.

It's like the opposite to a lottery. You don't enter but if your numbers come up you lose lots of money. And the people running it don't have any balls. So it really is the opposite to a lottery.

The tax man has lost £1.2billion. When I lose money I normally find it down the back of the sofa, which makes you think, just how big are the sofas in HM Revenue & Costoms?
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25/01/2011

Sexism In Football

footie sexismTwo football presenters have lost their jobs because of the nasty comments they were over-heard making about a female assistant referee when they didn't realise their microphones were still on.

Or, doing a "Gordon Brown" as it's known in the business.

Andy Gray and Richard Keys were recorded saying that Sian Massey and other women in the game "did not know the offside rule".

Wait one darn minute there! They are linking being a woman with not knowing the offside rule. On one level that is terribly sexist and they deserved to lose their jobs.

But on another level... I don't know the offside rule. Are they saying I'm a woman!

That's offsideist. Just because I zone out when a football fan starts moving salt pots around to explain it doesn't mean I'm female.

I suppose it's a small blessing. Terrible as it is that football commentators get in trouble for being sexist, it wasn't that long ago it was Ron Atkinson being racist. Give them a few years and we'll have a few more pundits sacked for homophobia and ageism and eventually, around the year 2053 they'll do their last ever joke about someone who's ginger and football will finally be OK.

>Read the source story
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I Love The Smell Of Rotting Flesh In The Botanic Gardens

One of the world's rarest, largest and smelliest flowers has bloomed in Cairns in far north Queensland. This is the flower that people say smells like rotting flesh.

Blaming it on the dog is one thing, but if you've farted just admit it, don't try to blame the plant-life.

The titan arum is native to Sumatra in Indonesia and stands around three metres high.

Ah, there's nothing like a smelly titan. (There's something I hope you didn't just read out in public.)

It is now in full bloom at the Cairns Botanic Gardens. Curator David Warmington said: "This plant omits this famous odour when it's mature and it smells like a dead animal."

I wish I could get my hands on one. It would be the last time any woman moans that I never buy her flowers.

>Read the source story
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24/01/2011

Gordon Brown - I'd Tap That

phone hackerGordon Brown wants the Metropolitan Police to see if his phone was hacked by journalists while he was the Prime Minister.

If it wasn't it will be so embarrassing for him. What a slap in the face.

Mr Brown informed police that messages he sent and received may be being hacked into.

I'm not sure. Let's be honest, did we really need to hear what his mobile phone was up to during his Premiership? He was kind enough to leave a microphone on when he called an old women bigoted.

>Read the source story
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23/01/2011

Animal Taser

animal tasetTaser International, the company known for making its stun gun, has unveiled a new weapon to use on wildlife.

Thank heavens for that. The number of times I've been mugged by elk, now I can fight back.

The Taser Wildlife Electronic Control Device is a three-shot, semi-automatic Taser designed specifically to incapacitate large animals from as far away as nearly 11 metres.

I want to say, for the record, I would only ever use one if I had failed to talk the animal down.

It costs $1,999.95 and I don't know if there are settings for smaller animals or not. I mean, what do you do if you are attacked by a squirrel? Have roast squirrel for dinner, I guess.

In a press release Taser International said that "published research has shown that wildlife managers sometimes need to use tools to modify animal behaviour to avoid dangerous human-animal conflicts and the loss of animal life."

Oh, it's for wildlife rangers? That makes more sense. I thought they'd invented it for vegans who wanted to still enjoy hunting.

>Read the source story
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Express: BBC Cuts?

Firstly, the Sunday Express boasts on its front page: "Free milk for every reader!"

As if the newspapers don't patronise enough they now make us feel like primary children (before Mrs Thatcher stopped the free milk - ooh, but of a split up from the Express).

But the main story is "Cut BBC Licence Fee Now".

Why now? I thought they should've cut it when Jonathan Ross quit. He was on £3million, there are about 60 million people in the UK. Even if we all have our own TV licence that's still 5p each. Give it back Beeb!

This is because of the news that money from England's TV licence fee payers may be used to fund a Scotland-only channel.

With the number of times they show old episodes of Taggart on ITV4 I thought we already had one.

It would be very easy to get angry about this and have a go at the plan to use English money to pay for a Scottish channel, while English students lose the EMA but Scottish ones keep theirs, and English tax payers fork out loads for prescriptions and the Scottish ones make a saving. But in the back of my mind I know we should pay for this TV channel to make up for all the times we heard the BBC continuity announcer talk about a great TV show and then say, "...that's except for viewers in Scotland," and we laughed.
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21/01/2011

Podcast 3 - Alan Johnson, George Lucas & Gypsy Weddings

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 3. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

Alan Johnson steps down as Shadow Chancellor but what he the right man for the job?
TV's 'My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding' gets a thorough analysis. We find out about their high standards and low tops.
Star Wars' George Lucas thinks the world will end in 2012. Calm down mate, it's not the end of the w... ooooh.
Plus your letters.





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19/01/2011

The 24-Year-Old School Boy

24-year-old school boyA boy who enrolled at a new school was chucked out because the head believes he is really a man of 24.

Look at the picture. His school jacket doesn't fit. If you're taking a 24-year-old shopping for his uniform you don't pick one he'll 'grow' into.

Prince Summerfield joined a Year Nine class as a 14-year-old at the start of the new term last week. But just 48 hours later he was sent home after teachers had suspicions that he was a man a decade older than he said he was.

It was easy to tell. He's so old he still thought Adidas were trendy.

In a letter to his mum Ennettie and step-dad David, he was even branded a "child protection risk" to other students.

Fortunately his mum and dad couldn't find their glasses...

Headmaster Nigel Poole said he "clearly" looked much older than 14 and seemed uncertain about his date of birth.

That's the trouble with kids these days. They don't know they're born.

>Read the source story
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18/01/2011

Longer Paternity Leave

Paternity LeaveFathers are to get 10 months off. That's great news. I hope I have twins, that'll be nearly 2 years.

This is great. If you want to have babies and your bloke isn't interested, tell him about the time off. "Yeah, it's years of sleepless nights and ridiculous expense, but you could finally get round to watching all of The Wire on DVD."

Nick Clegg has announced a new plan for greater paternity leave.

What I have heard from friends who have started having kids is that as the bloke you kind of feel side-lined, like there's not much you can do. Basically you're contribution to this baby was the two hours of pleasure* you gave to make it.

So having 10 months of hanging round feeling useless might not be the best idea. And remember this is Nick Clegg's idea. If anyone should know what it's like to be useless for 10 months...



* No actual clock was used to verify this.
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17/01/2011

Man Eats And Phones While Driving

eating phoning drivingA driver was stopped by police after he was caught speaking on his mobile phone, operating a hand-held computer and eating a sandwich, all at the same time as driving on a motorway.

And they say men can't multi-task!

John Mills was flagged down after he pulled out in front of a police patrol car forcing the driver to brake. They saw he was busy eating a salad sandwich and messing with his phone.

This guy is an idiot. No one wins in this situation. He'll never enjoy a sandwich like that. Take the time to savour the bready goodness.

And the guy on the other end of the phone will be annoyed too. Have you ever had a conversation with someone who's driving? Just as you're getting to your good point they start paying attention to a roundabout or something. Rude!

Oh... and it's dangerous too.

He denied using a stylus to operate his digital personal organiser and instead said he was trying to shut off the device which was running low on power and making an "ear-piercing" noise.

Eating and suffering with the loud noise while your life is in danger. It's like going into a McDonald's after 11.

>Read the source story
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14/01/2011

Podcast 2 - Boots Ad, Pantless Travel & Ageism

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 2. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this one we talk about the flu epidemic and how that Boots ad isn't helping, we hear about ageism and we get to the bottom of pantless travel.





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Jordan's Man-a-Day Claim

Today the Daily Star talks about Jordan. That makes a change! If she retires the Star will have to stop its Sunday edition.

The front page accuses the model of sleeping with a different man every night. I don't believe that for one minute. Purely on an administrative level, I don't think Jordan has the organizational skills to make that work.

That would be one hell of a rota, and there are 7 days in a week, a prime number. Not a chance.

Unless she's making her way through the phone book. That could work and she'd have a few months where all she'd have to say in bed is, "Oh, you're so sexy Mr Smith."

The really worrying thing about this is, if she has a different man every night, eventually we'll all have to have a go. It'll be like jury service. You'll try to get out of it for a while and then just hope your one doesn't go on to long and it doesn't involve kids.
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13/01/2011

Sarah Palin Strikes Again

Sarah PalinThis has to be one of the best bits of PR ever. After a shooting in America some people pointed out that the violent language used by people like Sarah Palin might not have helped the situation.

She then releases a statement saying these people should not "manufactured a blood libel" and thereby offended the Jewish community.

If she could've slipped something in there about the gays she could've hit the hattrick.

It all started after a shooting in Tucson, the same place she had previously delivered a speech where she said they should take up arms... and someone did... and that's awkward.

What she needs to deploy is the age old, "Well, if I told you to jump off a bridge, would you?" defence. It always worked in school.

Palin said: "We know violence isn't the answer. When we 'take up our arms,' we're talking about our vote." Then why not call it a vote. I don't want to be Roy Walker here but say what you see.

I think anyone who deliberately uses violent language to stir up political anger to benefit their own cause should have a massive cactus shoved right up their bottom and twisted round a bit. And when I say, "a massive cactus shoved right up their bottom and twisted round a bit," I of course mean, "they shouldn't be voted for." I see how this works.

>Read the source story
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12/01/2011

BBC 'Out With The Old...'

The BBC has been accused of being ageist. I have to agree. How come it's only babies who get swapped round on EastEnders? No one ever turns up to care home and mixes up the old folk. That's double standards.

This is the case of Countryfile presenter Miriam O'Reilly who was sacked when the TV show went to prime time. She says the BBC doesn't like old women.

I don't know about that. They play Madonna songs.

The tribunal found in her favour and accused the BBC of "social engineering" when it got rid of her.

Not liking old folk is one thing but "social engineering" sounds like something Hitler did.

I don't like ageist and I don't like the sound of social engineering but still, it's better than "unsocial engineering", which is when my neighbour tries to fix his car at 8am on a Sunday. Stupid old fart!
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11/01/2011

No Pants On Public Transport

No Pants Subway Ride3,500 commuters dropped their trousers in New York to celebrate the 10th annual No Pants Subway Ride.

Wait a minute. You mean for all the other days of the year you are meant to be wearing pants on the underground? Ooops!

They all boarded trains at a designated time, and, once travelling, stripped their 'pants' off, leaving those not in the know open-mouthed.

Well, I guess you wouldn't want to breathe through your nose.

It's like an underwear version of a flash mob. A flesh mob, if you will. The one in London was called the No Trousers Tube Ride because the word 'pants' means something different over here.

There's another reason we can't call it the No Pants Subway Ride. You'd get banned from that sandwich shop for life.

>Read the source story
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Man Shot In Head Sneezes Bullet

Man Shot In HeadThis is something of an amazing story. A man was shot in the head but just sneezed out the bullet.

I guess that's what happens when someone tries to assassinate David Blain.

No, it was some chap called Mr Sangermano from Naples, Italy, who was hit by the stray bullet as revellers fired into the air on New Year's Eve.

As a side note, that means someone at that celebration is such a bad shot he couldn't even hit the sky when he aimed for it, but back to the main story.

The .22-calibre round entered the right side of his head, passed behind his eye, hit a bone in his nose and finally lodged in his nostril, before being sneezed out in hospital.

From now on whenever he gets hay-fever everyone near him will take cover.

It's a neat trick, getting shot in the head and blowing the bullet out of your nose. I bet everyone concerned is glad he wasn't shot in the lower back.

>Read the source story
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10/01/2011

Asylum Seekers On Run

Tomorrow's Express tells us: "One In 7 Asylum Seekers On Run"

Hey, if we play this right we could do well at our own Olympics. Leave them on the run till early 2012 so they're practised, then have an amnesty and all of a sudden we're getting golds.

OK, the other countries might notice our best athletes can't speak English that well but let them hear David Beckham speak and it would prove a point.

We need to do well at this Olympics because it is costing a lot at a time when we are running out of money. We have 20% VAT, students are being robbed, benefits are being cut and we are building a new running track. Great.

But we could just about make the situation work for us as long as we win. We need to get gold in all the events, then with a few freepost envelopes to Cash4Gold... you see where I'm going here.
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09/01/2011

(Sunday) Express An Opinion And Stick To It

The Sunday ExpressToday the Express talks more about the Joanna Yeates murder case. Don't worry, we're not doing jokes about that. But the front page of the Express says that all men living in Bristol should give a DNA sample to help solve this case.

This is Bristol we're talking about. If all the men gave DNA we might find out they're all related. Imagine how news like that would affect the Bristolians. For a start they'd have a lot more gifts to buy at Christmas.

It'll never work because anyone who gives a DNA sample will be innocent and the odd one or two who slip through will include the person you're after. It's unworkable tokenism on behalf of the Express.

The Express was also on this blog in the week with the headline: "Scandal Of Big Brother Britain" with a story saying the police knew too much about us.

So, not just changing point of view as and when it suits then?

>Read the source story
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07/01/2011

Podcast 1 - Big Bro, Big Fatties & Chimps

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 1. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

I know we have done lots of audio sketches on this site but it was about time this website went all multi-media and launched a podcast, so here it is.

In this, the first ever SomeNews.co.uk Podcast, we hear about Big Brother Britain, fat people getting thin while thin people are getting fat and we talk to a monkey. Have a listen.





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