28/02/2011

Man Arrested For Hitler Salute

A Canadian man was arrested in Berlin on Saturday for making the Hitler salute.

If you want to do that and get away with it the key is to shout, "...and he was this tall," while you're going it.

The 30-year-old from Quebec was in front of the Reichstag when he made the salute, which is illegal in Germany.

I never understand that. Of all the things that Hitler did, surely the salute wasn't the worse. Surely the brutal regime and evil eugenics plans were the things to focus on. The silly wave, not so bad.

That's like saying, "We hate what Gaddafi has done to his people so we're going to ban cheap plastic surgery."

And how embarrassing if you get sent to prison for doing a salute.

Man 1: "What are you in for?"
Man 2: "Putting my hand up."
Man 1: "That's ironic, cos you just dropped the soap!"

>Read the source story
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Where's Holly

Pregnant Holly Willoughby was advised to missed 'Dancing on Ice'.

It was good advice; the show was rubbish last night.

The doctors said she would be better off getting some rest after suffering from migraines.

Really? Surely the best thing for a migraine is hearing Karen and Jason go at it*.

In fact I think Jason is the real reason the heavily pregnant Holly isn't there. He must make it difficult for her. She'll see his screwed up face, that look like he is about to cry, and the big bald head and think, "It looks like I've already given birth."

>Read the source story

* I mean row, of course.
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27/02/2011

Big Fat Gypsy Dwarf

Big Fat Gypsy DwarfIf you follow the podcast you'll know all about My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding. Thankfully that's a name of a TV show, not my admission of some forthcoming nuptials... 'hey, she grabbed me, so now I have to marry her'.

Today we hear the next shocking TV to be made is... Big Fat Gypsy Dwarf.

I can already see the letters of complaint:

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26/02/2011

One-Man Family

The Daily Mail today gives us this story on the front page: "Woman of 57 gives birth to her own grandson". (You might need to zoom in on the image by clicking to see that bit)

So that kind of makes the kid his own father? Is that right? Well, at Christmas he'll have to buy himself a gift. At least he'll get something he really wants. It'll be odd when he gets into his teens and has to give himself 'the talk' about the birds and the bees.

Does that mean that he is also a bit like his mum's brother? They were both given birth to by the same woman. That means he is his own uncle. It's the first time in history where he could be touched by his uncle and no one could report it.

Although, if he is his own dad AND his own uncle that means his uncle is his dad and therefore he is his own cousin.

It's not technically illegal for cousins to marry, but in his case, I think it's the last thing that family needs. It would make it too complicated.
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Designer John Galliano's Racist Look

Designer John Galliano's Racist LookTop British fashion designer John Galliano has been arrested on suspicion of launching a racist diatribe at a couple in a Paris café.

Oooh, tricky, because we don't want fashion designers to be racist but at the same time, they can hardly be blind to colour.

As you can see from the trousers in this picture...


...it's not the first time he's had a cock-up in the papers.

The Streatham-raised chief designer for fashion house Dior is said to have hurled drunken, racist and abusive insults at a Jewish woman and an Asian male companion at La Perle in the fashionable Marais district.

So, he was racist to a Jewish woman and an Asian man. I guess they're the "new black".

There have also been rumours that he is set to make Kate Moss's wedding dress.

I hope she wants something that is all white. By the sound of it, he certainly does.

>Read the source story
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25/02/2011

Kerry Katona Needs A Man

Kerry Katona Needs A ManKerry Katona has been booted off Dancing On Ice, which is a shame. Who will I make camel toe jokes about now?*

Kerry says she needs a man. Totally agree... in a white van with a straight jacket.

She was a bit jumpy on Dancing On Ice, which is ironic because the jump one was skill she never mastered.

She seemed nervous and shaky. When she finally got voted off she was in a bit of a state, struggling to speak in front of Phillip Schofield. Just like the old days, eh?

She told a newspaper: "Everyone's so eager for me to go out and get laid. So am I!"

Lovely. Anyone who advertises that forcefully is normally in the market to sell.

She added: "I've forgotten what to do. I'd go speed dating for the craic."

Well, wrong spelling, but at least we know what she's into.

>Read the source story

* I really hope the answer to that question isn't Denise.
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Clever Sheep

Clever SheepNew research says sheep are far more intelligent than previously thought.

Either that or GCSEs have got a lot easier.

In the old days scientists only thought sheep could count up to 3 (Source: Bar Bar Black Sheep, how many bags full) but researchers at the University of Cambridge have discovered that the animals are much brighter.

They found the sheep can adapt to changing situations and map out their surroundings.

They're covered in wool and they can adapt. That makes them sounds like pensioners... apart from the adapting bit.

In some tests, the flock of seven Welsh Mountain sheep showed equal brainpower to humans.

That doesn't make me wonder about the sheep, it makes me wonder about the humans they used in this test. Maybe they're saying most humans are as dim as sheep. We'll find out when I get on the London Underground and shout, "Mint Sauce!"

>Read the source story

P.S. Let's hope they don't get too clever...

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24/02/2011

O.A.P. - Old Aged Prostitute

Old Aged ProstituteThere's a lovely story in the news about a woman called Milly Cooper. She started working as a prostitute after World War II ended. They really did have a ration book for everything back them.

She needed the money and to make ends meet she turned to the old profession. But guess what. She's still at it.

It must be like screwing Mumm-ra.

She's now 96. I knew they'd increased the retirement age but blimey!

According to the paper she still rakes in £50,000 a year from her sex services. But most of that has to be spent on new hips.

Cooper claims she has slept with 3,500 men and has regular clients aged between 29 and 92, who pay up to £800 a time to be with her.

Who can afford that much money, unless they were earning good money by playing football on the weekends by I'm sure there's no one who would fit that description. Ooops!

She has an interesting take on the modern world. She said: "Nowadays, the girls have vast boobs and skinny bodies and parade around half-naked. In my day, we would call those girls trollops."

But these days we call them Jordon.

>Read the source story
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22/02/2011

Podcast 7 - The Brits, Would You Sue Your Other Half, and Dead Elephants

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 7. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

The Brit awards 2011 were on, with Rihanna, Mumford & Sons and even a bit of Justin Bieber
Silvio Berlusconi is in a spot of legal bother
The Channel 4 show The Elephant: Life After Death
And a wife sues her own hubby





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17/02/2011

Berlusconi's Not Worried

Italian premier Silvio Berlusconi is just amazing. His luck is almost as unbelievable as his hair-line. He has avoided corruption charge after alligation. But maybe that luck is about to come to an end. It looks like he'll have to face charges of paying an under-aged prostitute for sex.

That's the triple-whammy if you think about it: Paying for sex, sleeping with someone under-age and, therefore... child labour.

But at a press conference he said, "I'm not worried at all."

Really? He's an old man on trial for paying a beautiful 17-year-old Moroccan girl, Karima El Mahroug, for sex... and there will be a panel of three female judges. I'm worried for him.

Even without the prostitution angle, if he was caught just looking at an attractive 17-year-old girl they'd find him guilty.

Berlusconi dismissed the case as a 'farce'. He might have a point. Dirty old man, attractive late-teens girl. All this needs is a vicar and some patio doors and it would be up there with Molière.

He's also facing alliterations of throwing sex parties. Basically, his reputation is in tatters, everyone thinks his a sleazy misogynist who has been obsessed with sex, and if this trial sticks his political career is over. Then what would he do?

I hear Sky Sports are looking for a new presenter.

>Read the source story
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15/02/2011

It's Official - Women Are Demanding

Women are demanding in bedAccording to a new study, women are getting more demanding in the bedroom.

Damn right. I have to put up a new shelf and put a bracket for the flat-screen telly up in there.

As it turns out it wasn't about DIY it was about sex. Although, sometimes sex and DIY are a lot alike. It's something I do on my own and at least once I did it after watching Carol Smillie on TV.

The survey said more than half of girls claim they initiate sex as much as their partner.

Well, that's great isn't it? It's right to spread the responsibility. It's like sharing the household chores. But don't describe it like that to your other half.

Three quarters of women surveyed claim they want more sex.

That's a high percentage. Was the guy doing this survey really hot?

But here's the worrying bit of this annual survey of almost 3,500 women from Netmums, a third use sex as a "bargaining tool" to encourage their other halves to do housework.

I hate the idea that sex can be exchanged for housework, mainly because my other half said we should get someone in to do it once a week.

>Read the source story
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14/02/2011

Jordan And Pete At War

Jordan And Pete At WarThe Daily Star says, "Jordan: Pete's Killing Me With Lies & Smears".

Well, I understand the lies part of it, but the other bits... he's not a doctor, don't let him do things like that.

You should've guessed he wasn't trained when he put an LED light on his forehead and got out a chopstick.

Jordan says Peter is trying to make out that she is a bad mother.

How is he doing that? Is he in charge of editing on her ITV2 show?

He implied she might be a bit of a bad mum because her daughter got a burn in a sauna, and she retorted: "I wish you'd get in your car, crash and die!"

But at least she never brought his parenting into question.

According to the newspaper, is has "sparked a bitter war of words between Kate and Pete". Now there's a war with small munitions!

>Read the source story
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11/02/2011

Podcast 6 - Christina Aguilera, Lindsay Lohan, and The Joy of Channel 4

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 6. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

Christina Aguilera got the words wrong at the Superbowl
Lindsay Lohan has spent most of her week in court
The Channel 4 show The Joy Of Teen Sex gets a treatment
And a man makes a text message error that was a matter of life or death





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Thai Transsexuals Airline

Thai Transsexuals AirlineA new Thai airline has hired four transsexuals as flight attendants.

It's difficult to see why this made it into The Telegraph. It's not really news. OK, there's a certain irony when the pilot says he's going to stow the undercarriage, but other than that, what's the big deal?

What difference should it make if the flight attendant is any gender? In fact, maybe more airlines should have transsexual flight attendants. We all know BA pilots have a reputation for drinking too much. Maybe they'd stay sober if they thought there was a chance the woman they were going to chat up might have a extra package they didn't declare.

More than 100 transvestites and transsexuals people applied for the first round of jobs. Four were chosen, along with 19 female and seven male flight attendants.

So it's not even an airline staffed entirely by transsexuals. The way the Telegraph reported the story, it sounded like it was some sort of horror film. "Snakes On A Plane"? That's not a snake, look again...

>Read the source story
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10/02/2011

Lindsay Lohan In Court

Lindsay Lohan has been in court for nicking a necklace.

It seems ironic because the last time she went to court they gave her an ankle bracelet.

Lindsay pleaded not guilty to stealing the bit of jewellery that costs $2,500. You know what it's like, you try something on in the shop but you want to know what it looks like in proper daylight... or while you're running from cops... or if it would suit you in a pawn shop.

I was reading about it on the Yahoo news site and they said: "Dressed in a tight-fitting short white dress with sunglasses and a pony-tail, the 24-year-old said nothing as she arrived."

She didn't need to say anything. That dress was so tight we could tell she hadn't nicked anything on the way to the court.

Judge Keith Schwartz told her, "Please don't push your luck. Do you understand what I'm telling you?"

Lindsay replied, "Yes sir."

I don't think she did. What he meant was, "Ruin another franchise from our childhoods like you did with that Herbie film and you'll get the chair!"

>Read the source story
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09/02/2011

English Defence League To Become Political Party

Today the Daily Star tells us: "English Defence League To Become Political Party".

I don't know why people are so upset. Admittedly, the only member of the English defence I can think of is Peter Crouch, so I'm no expert.

Is the English Defence League like the BNP but they hate the Welsh, Scottish and Irish too? If so, I bet they were upset with who replaced Christine Bleakley on The One Show.

They're a party that doesn't like the immigration into the UK. The party's boss Tommy Robinson said: "My hope is still that the Tories will take a tougher stance."

Don't worry, in terms of making people not want to come to the UK any more, the Tories are doing just fine.


>Read the source story
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Left Foot On Right Leg

Left Foot On Right LegDoctors in China have attached a left foot to a man's right leg.

Erm, I'm not a doctor but isn't that the wrong leg to put it on? Still, if he now has two left feet it won't stop him living a full life. It certainly didn't hold back Ann Widdecombe.

And if he has two left feet he could nick from the displays in shoe shops.

It was a patient whose severed left foot was attached onto the calf of his right leg in a desperate bid to save it. Ma Jun lost his foot after he slipped into a concrete mixer while working on a building site.

While the doctors are waiting for the damage to the end of the stump to heal they kept the foot alive by putting it on the back of his right leg.

Fancy dropping into a cement mixer. I mean, really. When he realises what he's done, he'll kick himself. He will anyway, every time the foot flops.

>Read the source story
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Junk Food's Plus Side

Junk Food's Plus SideFinally, some good news in the papers. The Daily Mail says "Junk Food Diet Hits A Child's IQ".

Good to know. So now, when I start a family I know what to do to make sure I never have to pay those massive tuition fees.

By feeding out kids we are making them, not only fatter, more stupider too. If we keep this up street crime will plummet. It won't be long till we won't be afraid when we a group of teens hanging around on a street corner. In fact, when you get nearer you'll see, it's not a group it's just two teens, but they're so fat it looks like more.

If one of them tried to mug you it won't be hard to out run them. Run upstairs. It's like fighting Dalaks.

OK, they could take the lift, but those buttons in lifts have numbers written on then, and thank god we made the kids stupid. Anything above floor 2 and they won't be able to count that high.
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08/02/2011

ASBOs To Go

This is the new threat to the scummy youth: "Behave or we take your iPod".

Let me get this right, you find the young folk who have just proved their criminal intention by breaking a law, you don't lock them up but you take something off them so they now have a list of stuff they need to nick.

Well, there's a law that will lead to an increase in iPod thefts.

That's like bringing in a law when anyone caught by a speed camera gets a £60 fine, 3 points and has to leave the house 10 minutes late every day. Get that guy from Gladiators - "Criminals, you will go on my second whistle..."

The other thing about this criminal system overhaul is that ASBOs are being replaced. The Anti-Social Behaviour Order will be replaced by the new behaviour order.

That's the best thing the Government has ever come up with. ASBOs don't work because yobs are proud to have one. "Look at me, I is so tough because I as got an ASBO," they would boast with their street grammer.

Not any more! No one will want to say, "Check me, yeah, I as got a BO problem!"
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06/02/2011

Epic Multi-culturalism Fail

David Cameron has said that multi-culturalism hasn't worked. But the icing on the cake is, he said that in Germany. Nice. Did he wrap it up with the words, "So, who wants to hit Poland?"

He has been accused of playing into the hands of right-wing extremists. Well, it's about time he made the Tory grass-roots happy.

Cameron says those cultures should embrace British values. Before you can agree or disagree with that you have to nail what it is to be British.

I'd say being British is about enjoying tea, it's about moaning about the weather, it's about welling up when you think about the sweets they used to sell and the TV shows they showed when you were young. It's about eating bland food and slowly growing fat. I'm not sure that other cultures can really get that.

But most of all, bring British is about having a dislike for whoever is in charge, and after what David Cameron has said I think they'll have that sorted.
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05/02/2011

Sun Cream Danger

Ain't this just typical. After years of being told to use lots and lots of suntan lotion we're now being told that suntan lotion is bad for us.

Either that or the powers that be have realised that the national health bill is getting too big and they need to kill some of us off. We'll know if that's true if next week we see the headline: "Playing On Train Tracks Is The New Tamagotchi".

The Daily Express reports that overuse of sunscreens can cause a Vitamin D deficiency. That's the one that gives you Rickets, isn't it? So you don't have a tan and you can't keep your legs together.

It should be called Kate Moss disease.
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04/02/2011

Podcast 5 - Sky Deals, Jeff Brazier & Animal Tea Testing

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 5. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

The political unrest in Egypt.
A landlady beats Sky Sports in the European courts.
Jeff Brazier says he can lick his own bits.
PG Tips promise to stop testing tea on animals.
And a lovely letter about the people behind Viagra.





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