29/04/2011

Gaga Over Elton's Kid

It's worth remembering that other things are going off in the world today. Lady Gaga is in the news. She has spoken of her delight at becoming godmother to Sir Elton John's
baby.

Meanwhile, he was at the wedding, so he probably doesn't even know about it. She could've said anything she liked, for example, "He takes after Elton... well, he's chubby and he cried a lot."

He picked her as godmother because he said she was just a lovely normal woman. Yep, what's not normal about fake cheeks and wearing an outfit made from Grandma's doilies?

Gaga says she's very honoured to be invited into Elton's family.

Being a godparent is more about the fun these days. You can buy those outfits that are just little versions of grown up clothes and they're so cute. Like you can get a little versions of lumber jack shirts, and little versions of grown up shoes.

Of course, if she's your godmother, you'd get a little version of a dress made of meat.
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28/04/2011

Podcast 14 - Super Injunctions, DJ Nick Clegg and the Sex Education Show

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 14. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

Super Injunctions and Andrew Marr
DJ Nick Clegg in a Rap Musical
Channel 4's The Sex Education Show
And a 16th century guide to women




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26/04/2011

Lindsay Lohan Ends Up In Morgue

Lindsay Lohan Ends Up In MorgueLindsay Lohan has got a job in a morgue.

Excellent. That's the only way a Hollywood actress could work with people who eat less than she does.

It's part of her 120 days community service for one of the many things she went to court for recently. Some people feel sorry for her but I think working with dead people will be great for her. She'll finally be working with people whose acting is less lifelike than hers. She'll finally be with people who make her look like she has a good complexion. And for the first time ever she'll be with people who have worse career prospects.

Coroner assistant chief Ed Winter said: "She won't be handling any dead bodies but she'll certainly see them."

Of course she will. I imagine the first day working in a morgue someone's going to try to prank you by sitting a dead body in a chair and telling you that's the HR department. "He tends to fall asleep at work. If he's nodded off just give him a nudge."

Ed added: "She'll be doing basic janitorial work."

She's going to be the janitor in the morgue. So she'll become a loner and then go on a killing spree? Admittedly, all my knowledge of morgues is from rubbish horror films.

Having said that, all my knowledge of Lindsay Lohan is from rubbish films too.

>Read the source story
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Terrorism Is Made In London

Daily TelegraphThe Daily Telegraph goes with the headline, "London: hub of al-Qaeda's global terrorism network".

That is terrible news. I can't find a bank with a call centre that's based in any part of the UK, yet al-Qaeda can run their training courses over here!

This comes from new Wikileaks files that have revealed London as a centre for the training of terrorists.

Why would they want to do their training over here? Haven't they seen what we do with education? Sooner or later Ofsted will get their teeth into it and exams will get too easy.

But the best thing about the British education system, that I really hope al-Qaeda pick up, is that girls always seem to do better than the boys.

I suppose we should be grateful. At a time when manufacturing is moving the places like China, the finance sector is moving to Japan and the strong pound is killing our tourism, at least we know that terrorism training is still booming.

Actually "booming" is a module of the course in the final year.
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Royals Are Strangers To Labour

The Palace was accused of being anti-Labour after Tony Blair and Gordon Brown were left off the guest list for the royal wedding.

But that's OK. I don't think many Tories get invited to go on The Jeremy Kyle Show. It's just the way the world goes.

Both surviving former Tory PMs Margaret Thatcher and Sir John Major were invited. Lady Thatcher declined on health grounds... if she lets sunlight hit her she'll turn to ash.

Sir John Major is attending. Oh, so he wasn't busy? Surprise.

While some are saying it's a snub to Mr Blair and Mr Brown, we don't know if they would agree to go. I mean, Tony Blair would probably have gone to the event but only if the money was right.

The defence for this move is that the former Conservative Prime Ministers both belong to the Order of the Garter.

Don't even say that. When William finally undresses his bride in the martial bed, when he sees the garter it shouldn't remind him of Maggie and John. Eeeww!

>Read the source story
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25/04/2011

Katie Price Used Her Air Bags

Katie Price has suffered minor injuries after the car she was travelling in crashed.

And you know the TV crew for her show would've been following her. Her show will actually include a car crash and she still won't get the hint.

She was travelling in Argentina when the car struck two wild horses in Argentina.

It doesn't say in the news what she was heading too but I hope it wasn't something where she said: "Be there? Wild horses couldn't keep me away."

The glamour model was in a car driven by her boyfriend Leandro Penna when the
horses ran our.

They're dumb animals who don't know any better and shouldn't really be allowed near traffic... and so are the horses.
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Violent Kids

The Daily Mail today says that 15 pupils under six are attacking teachers every day.

I hope it's not the same 15 every day or someone needs to have a word.

Schools must be like the film Bugsy Malone, with gangs of little people bringing terror. But they're only little, surely they can't cause that much damage.

With 15 of them they can team up, in sets of 3 who stand on each other's shoulders, like in Terrahawks. They'd be about grown up height, and there'd be 5 of them.

In fact, it makes you wonder how many crimes are done by balancing kids. If you weren't a teacher, but out for a stroll one night you get mugged by 3 kids upright, you wouldn't tell the police about it. You'd pretend and say it was a gang of men.

The world could be like a low-brow version of The Village of the Damned; the kids are terrorising everyone.

Nearly 9 in the same age group are banned daily for violent attacks on fellow pupils and a further 9 a day for persistent disruptive behaviour, Government figures show. Three a day are sent home for using foul language to teachers.

The trouble is, you're not allowed to hit kids. In the old days we could've won this war but now they know we can't hit them they have the upper hand.

Thankfully the old people of the world have spotted the solution. You just need to tell the police and wait. As the OAPs say, policemen are getting younger these days. As soon as they get young enough that they're under 9 they can hit back. Result!

>Read the source story
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21/04/2011

Kate Middleton Meets The Parent

The Daily Mirror says Miss Middleton has been taken to Princess Diana's grave.

As someone who is about to marry William, I guess it makes sense. But as someone who is about to become a Princess in line to the throne, it's a bit like a warning.

She was taken by Prince William so I guess that's better. She wasn't taken there by Prince Philip saying, "So... I trust we won't be having any ginger children, will we?"

I can't wait to see the photos of Kate next to the grave. It'll be like a really bad 'before & after' picture.

Meanwhile, other newspapers are saying that Kate is getting too thin.

That's probably after they showed her a picture of Fergie as another warning of what could happen.
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20/04/2011

Podcast 13 - The London Marathon, Hacking and Dream Schools

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 13. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

The London Marathon
Cash for phone hacking
Jamie's Dream School
And ASBOs for the unborn







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18/04/2011

M1 Motorway Fire

M1 Motorwat FireParts of the M1 motorway have been damaged by a scrapyard fire under one of the bridges.

Look on the bright-side, if they can't repair that part of the carriageway at least they don't have to take it far to scrap it.

For a while they closed the motorway and for most of the weekend they only had one lane open, on the northbound side of the road. How typical is that? I'm not saying Londoners are unsociable but when they open one lane they pick the one to let all the northerners back out, while keeping southbound closed so they don't let any more in.

I understand that Londoners are confused by northerners. We say hello on the Tube but we're not actually mentals. And we try and spend the amount of money a house might actually be worth. But to keep up out is plain offensive.

When you read more about the story it gets worse. Engineers have been working to erect a temporary structure under the bridge to give it the stability necessary to carry the weight of traffic.

So it can carry the weight of people coming from London but it can't carry the weight of people coming from the north? You're saying we northerners are fat!

That Dingle family has a lot to answer for.

>Read the source story
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17/04/2011

Best Before Dates Are Past Their Sell By Date

Best Before Dates Are Past Their Sell By DateToday the Telegraph has: "Best before dates to be taken off shop food"

I, as a man, will miss them. I always considered the "best before" as something of a dare. I have eaten food with best before dates that have brought on nostalgia.

The dates should be scrapped to stop us throwing away millions of tonnes of perfectly edible produce each year. Some of them are pointless. The "best before" date on Stilton is taking the p***. Stilton is the result of gone off milk, left till it is filled with mould and bacteria, and you're telling me its "before before" date? The only date this was best before is a date three weeks before it was technically cheese.

They also put "use before" dates on condoms that are a few years away after the date of purchase. Cheers for the vote of confidence.

Instead of marking food "best before" a certain date, retailers will in future have to produce labels which give details of the health risks associated with individual foods that remain on shelves or in the fridge for a lengthy period before being consumed.

Oh dear. That's even more of a dare. Prawns and eggs, for example, would be more likely, under the new guidelines, to carry detailed warnings of potential risks of food poisoning if they were eaten after a certain date.

That will help me turn my idleness into 'extreme eating'. I know I'll push the boundaries and instead of just having a nice prawn sandwich, I'll end up with cramps, sweats and violence diarrhoea. And if I keep getting those symptoms that "use before" date on the condoms might be more wishful thinking than anything else.

>Read the source story
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16/04/2011

Kate Middleton's Oldest Girl Could Be Queen

Royal Girls On TopToday the Telegraph gives us: "No bar to throne for Kate's first born girl"

This is the news that Kate Middleton and Prince William's first born could accede to the throne regardless of whether it is a boy or a girl.

Ouch! Give Wills a chance to get the job first before we start thinking about his replacement.

It's all under planned reforms that would see the end of the current system where the first born male child makes it to the throne. Some people have been saying it's a step towards equality.

No, it's not. This doesn't open up opportunities to more women. It's not saying, "You could be Queen." You still have to be born into the royal family. Basically this is just of a matter of who gets left the country in the will.

And let's be honest, the feminist cause can hardly say it's been held back of late by of all those years of having a king on the thrown.

Most of us have only known the national anthem as the "God Save The Queen" one. When she goes and the lyrics change it'll feel like a rubbish cover version. It'll feel wrong, like when Will Young did Light My Fire.

It makes sense. No one these days wants it to just be the male children who can be the ruler of the country. I'd imagine even people in the royal family don't want the rule that it has to be a boy. They only have one rule still in place: "You can only be king or queen if your father was king." So bad news for Harry.
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12/04/2011

Go Shopping? Why Not? I Have Nothing On.

Finally, a reason why men wouldn't mind being dragged shopping by their other halves.

Shoppers arrived at Lakeside Shopping Centre clad only in their underwear, hoping to be in with a chance of winning a £100 voucher to spend on a new outfit for spring.

This is a brilliant idea, people shopping in their undies. Although in The Newscastle Times it was given the headline: "Over-dressed Women Go Shopping."

It was all part of a promotional campaign, where the first 100 women who turned up only wearing their underwear and a pair of high heels, stood a chance of winning £100 to spend.

Was this a promotion by the shopping centre or something arranged by a local perv who worked out this was a lot cheaper than a lap dancing club?

The shopping centre promised entrants the chance to arrive in their underwear and 'leave fully clothed' if they won.

The key to it would be to turn up with a really hideous body. You might not win the competition but everyone else in the shopping centre would have a whip-round to buy you some clothes to put on.

>Read the source story
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08/04/2011

Podcast 12 - Worse-Off Wednesday, NHS and Sleeping Pilots

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 12. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

Worse-Off Wednesday
NHS Reform
Pilots falling asleep at the wheel
The bravest donkey in the world





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Thick School Leavers Work For Me

School Leavers Unfit For WorkOn the front page of the Daily Mail today: "School Leavers Unfit For Work"

This is the story of a top businessman who says school leavers are unfit for work with firms having to spend billions to retrain them.

The paper is dealing with this story like it's a bad thing. It's great. Don't forget we all now need to work till we're 90 because no one has pensions any more. As you get older in life, but still need a job, why would an employer keep you on rather than get rid of you and hire someone younger? Because they're all unemployable scum. That's why!

Making sure school leavers can't add up and they all think you should spell it "nessessery" is the only way we'll keep our jobs.

It's all very well for the millionaires of this world, like Jamie Oliver, to be helping these young tearaways because they won't need to beat then in a job interview in 2030.

So the next time a young person shouts something rude to you, in a sentence that uses an adjective where an adverb is needed, peppered with the word "like" and finished off with a "ja get me", just smile and know that your career is safe.
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