30/06/2011

Podcast 19 - Greece, Olympic Tickets and Good Relationships

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 19. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast...

The Olympic Tickets upset
The riots in Greece
Man Steals Toilet Rolls
Embarrassing Bodies
The Secret To A Good Relationship



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Heidi Klum - Kinky In The Bedroom

Heidi Klum has been telling the world the secrets of her annoyingly happy relationship with Seal.

God, it makes you sick. Not only are they both rich, successful and attractive, but they're happy. That's just rubbing it in, isn't it? If you're going to attractive at least have the common decency of being a high maintenance diva. (Thank you, Naomi.)

Heidi says she keeps things fresh in their relationship by being a bit kinky in the bedroom.

Tish. If you're in the bedroom you're not that kinky. You want to get out in the shed. Or in the utility room, that gives you some options.

She admitted: "I'm not saying you have to put up a pole in your bedroom and start swinging off the rafters. But I love that sometimes!"

If you want to attract a man don't follow Heidi's advice. Saying you enjoy swinging round a pole in the bedroom is a turn off to a bloke, because we all know who would have to put that thing up.

>Read the source story
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Elen Rivas Saves Bulls

Elen RivasElen Rivas has become the latest model to pose naked for PETA. This time she is part of a campaign to stop bullfighting.

Good, it is a barbaric sport, and not even fair. If they don't ban it they should at least stop the humans having weapons. Then let's see who's the winner.

Stars stripping off has always been one of the most effective ways for animal rights group PETA to grab attention and cause a little controversy.

That's the bit I don't get. The attractive women take their clothes off in these posters to get us to stop hurting animals. But if we stop hurting animals they're stop stripping off. That's hardly motivation.

Get me doing those posters, naked with my white bits glaring, hairy patches on show and flab with the headline: "Stop testing make-up on rabbits or I'll bend over."

We'd have those animals safe in no time.

>Read the source story
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29/06/2011

Greek MPs Go Austere

Greek politicians have narrowly voted to approve a critical set of debt-reduction measuresGreek politicians have narrowly voted to approve a critical set of debt-reduction measures, as violent protests continue in the streets of Athens.

Yup, there’s nothing like a large repair bill to really help a country nearing bankruptcy.

155 MPs voted for the bill, 138 MPs rejected it. One of those who voted against it - a deputy of the ruling party - was immediately expelled by the Greek prime minister George Papandreou.

Yup, there’s nothing like increasing the unemployment figures to really help a country nearing bankruptcy.

Not all of the protesters were violent though. Tens of thousands of Greeks have been taking to the streets since early on Tuesday against what they see as unreasonable demands from the EU and IMF.

Yeah, take a few days off work. It’s not like a drop in GDP will make things worse for a country nearing bankruptcy.

>Read the source story
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Pub Serves Horse Semen

Pub serves apple flavoured horse semenFile this under gross: "Pub serves apple flavoured horse semen"

Eeewwww! I hate things that are apple flavour.... hang on! Horse semen?

The Green Man Pub in Wellington, New Zealand, sells 30ml shots of horse seed for around £12. And I think we know why that man in the pub's name is so green.

Maybe I'm being too quick to judge, it said in the paper "it's going down a treat with regulars". And I bet the horse is enjoying it too.

Green Man pub co-owner Steven Drummond said the drink is being "knocked back by both male and female customers".

Well yes. There was no need to clear that up. We didn't think the women would avoid drinking it in case they got pregnant with some strange half-human-half-horse mouth baby.

He says he came up with the idea when trying to invent a new drink to spice-up a local food challenge.

No no, be honest. You invented the drink so you could tell what kind of woman you were chatting up.

>Read the source story
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Diet Drinks Make You Fat

Diet Drinks Make You FatToday's Express: Diet Drinks Make You Fat

Regularly consuming diet fizzy drinks will only make you ­fatter, according to new research.

Did this research look at people in places like McDonald's, with their massive cheese burger, super-sized fries, onion rings and apple pie, but with a 'diet' Coke, and they concluded, "Yep, that Coke's making them fat"?

And by the way, anyone who eats McDonald's food with a diet Coke should realise, you're fooling no body. Having a diet Coke after a greasy burger is like befriending someone on Facebook after a one-night-stand. It's too little too late, you know what you did!

The scientists found that artificial sweeteners are thought to be a cause of weight gain by boosting a craving for food.

It certainly puts a different slant on those "Diet Coke Break" ads. Instead of an office full of sexy women gathering by a window to watch a buff workman it would be five chubby women staring at an IT guy till one gets too excites, coughs and sneezes at the same time and slightly wees her pants.

Actually, I think that's already a Dr Peppers ad.

And give it a year or so and it'll be the latest Britney music video.

>Read the source story
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28/06/2011

The FREE Edinburgh Festival Show [Ended]

Edinburgh 2011 is now over. Thanks to everyone who came along to see to the show, to those who said nice things about it in reviews, and to all those who helped to plug the show on social media.

Find out where the next SomeNews Live Festival Show will be by clicking here.



We have 'some news'...

This year SomeNews.co.uk has its own live show as part of the Edinburgh Festival.

We're currently doing this website, live in Edinburgh. It's a daily show mixing topical material, sketches, stand-up and maybe even songs (sorry about the singing). If you're visiting the festival this year, and you want to come along, you can see it for absolutely free.

"****"

The reviews are coming in, including this from Three Weeks:

"Nestled in the basement of a New Town pub is this little gem of a comedy news show hosted by the charmingly affable Steve N. Allen." "Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look."

See it for free

Every day at 5:15pm we take over The Newsroom to bring you a fun look at 'some news'.  Hosted by Mr Steve N Allen, and featuring guest acts, it'll be more fun than reading a paper and won't leave your hands all inky.

So come along and see the show for free.  Email using the address at the top of the page, or message on twitter to get all the details.

The Newsroom

The show will take place in, rather fittingly, "The Newsroom", 5-11 Leith Street (click the map on the right to zoom in). It's on Leith Street at the junction of Princes Street and North Bridge, right in the heart of town and just a few minutes from the Royal Mile.

Audience

While it's the first year that SomeNews Live has gone to Edinburgh the host, Steve N Allen, has performed at the festival many times. Last year Steve was part of a sell-out show. Here's what some of the audience had to say about it...



If you are visiting Edinburgh for the festival this year make sure you pencil in to see the .




For more about this show...

Read the interview with Mr Steve N Allen on The New Current.

Listen to the interview with Mr Steve N Allen from BRIT FM.
Listen to the interview with Mr Steve N Allen from BBC Radio Northampton See the details of this show on the official edfringe.com website. See the details of this show on the The List website.
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27/06/2011

Man Caught In Toilet

Here's a news that will make you feel normal by comparison.

A peeping tom has been caught of hiding in a portaloo.

Straight away I have no sympathy for him. Anyone who hangs around in toilets is a wrong 'un. The only way he could be lower is if he was charging a pound for a spray of perfume in there.

Apparently he was hiding inside the waste tank of a portable toilet at a yoga festival in the United States.

If he liked the smell of waste so much, just go in the rooms where the women were going yoga. The farts should've kept him happy.

30-year-old Luke Irvin Chrisco was caught after an event goer noticed something moving in the toilet. And they thought, "I don't remember eating that!"

So, the woman using the facility asked a male bystander to investigate. He waited outside the toilet until a shirtless, barefoot man with numerous cuts on his back and legs emerged covered in faeces.

He is a sick individual and I hope he goes to prison and gets the help he needs, but I also hope that as he walked out of the loo, covered in blood and turns, he said, "I'd give it a minute."

>Read the source story
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26/06/2011

Abuse Police

Abuse PoliceToday the Mail gives us the headline: "It Is Not Offence To Abuse Police".

Good! Sting was sh*t! Walking On The Moon goes on too long! De Doo Doo Doo De Da Da My Arse!

But of course, that's not what this story is about (although that doesn't make the above point any less valid).

Police have been banned from arresting foul-mouthed yobs who abuse them with the most offensive swear words in the language.

Well, they are only words. It's basically name-calling. I don't think someone who uses 'sticks and stones' should get let off but the 'names' one gets nicked.

We live in a country where there are too many people in our prisons. They are over-subscribed and they're too expensive... like a TGI Fridays (just with less scum inside). We shouldn't be sending more people to jail just because they did a swear. I don't want to live in a world where Geordies are wrongly imprisoned for saying the would "country".

And besides, if there's no one left to shout swear words at our police where is ITV4 going to get any of it's TV shows from?

OK, I know no one actually goes to prison for swearing. It's more likely to be a fine. It's like a big version of a swear box. Do that near Gordon Ramsay and I can see a way out of this recession. But forget the fines, don't ruin the mental image of prison I get.

PRISONER1: So, what you in for?
PRISONER2: Armed robbery and aggravated assault. You?
PRISONER1: Me? Oh... I'm in for saying, "P*ss flaps!"
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22/06/2011

Smell-o-vision

Just when you thought 3D TV was pretty pointless, Samsung are planning to bring back Smell-o-vision.

Why would you want to be able to smell the TV show you are watching? I like to watch Countryfile but I don't want my front room to smell like dung. If I wanted a from room that smelled of animal poo I'd live with a vegan and pull their finger a lot.

This time it's not just scratch 'n' smell technology (the same thing most BMW drivers do at traffic lights, I've seen ya). Samsung have teamed up with a university to develop a small device to attach to the back of a TV set or mobile phone which would release special smells to match what appears on screen.

That's one way to stop me watching Babestation I guess.

Sungho Jin, a professor at the University of California's San Diego Jacobs School of Engineering, said, "For example, if people are eating pizza, the viewer smells pizza coming from a TV or cell phone. And if a beautiful lady walks by, they smell perfume."

And if you watch an Amy Winehouse video you'd do a little bit of sick in your mouth.

>Read the source story
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J Lo's Hollywood Star

J LoJennifer Lopez have been selected to get her star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame next year.

I know why they want J-Lo to put her hand-prints in cement, it's any excuse to get her to bend down.

The list of honourees also includes Jennifer Aniston, Scarlett Johansson and Kate Winslet. See. I think I have a good point. They're all about the bums. If the organisers had their way it would look like a bike park.

Also getting the honour is Simpsons creator Matt Groening. Ah. Maybe I'm wrong. You wouldn't want to see him bending over. If he dropped a pen you'd say, "Leave it mate, I'll buy you a new one."

I don't know if you saw the news yesterday about J-Lo flashing a nip on TV. Now, I'm not saying she was showing her age but you can imagine her star on the walk of fame will have two hand-prints above two strange shaped voids in the cement.
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21/06/2011

Ryan Giggs' Sexual Healing

The Daily Star tells us Ryan Giggs is getting some treatment for his sex addiction.

Is it like quitting smoking? Is there a patch? You stick it over your zip and it stops you getting your pants off in a hurry?

Man United's chaplain Rev John Boyers revealed his job now involves teaching players about "sexual ethics".

Surely you don't need someone to explicitly point out that shagging your brother's wife might be viewed in a dim light. "Sorry bro, if you didn't want me to do your missus you should've said something. I'm not a flippin' mind reader."

Do we live in a world where our football players are so stupid they have to be taught the basics of right and wrong? No wonder Ashley Cole shot that kid with a cross bow. "What, we can't shoot people? Next you'll be telling me I shouldn't take pictures of my knob and text them.... what!"

If they are going to teach footballers about morals I hope they do it using salt and pepper pots and go on about it for ages. Just so they know how we feel when they start on the off-side rule.

>Read the source story
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Beautifulpeople Face Ugly Truth

If you don't know about the website Beautifulpeople.com, it's a dating site that only allows attractive peopleto use it. And if you don't know about Beautifulpeople.com I think we can guess why. Sorry, but you might be a double-bagger.

They had some technical difficulties with their computers (well, let's be honest, if you only want good looking people near you your IT department is going to be a small one). They were hit by a virus and it caused their system to let some ugly people in.

You can't have a dating website with ugly people included. Coleen Rooney will never keep her hubby faithful if that's allowed.

But the Denmark-based site has got its system sorted now and has culled 30,000 members claiming they are 'ugly'.

But it's what's on the inside that counts. And after watching some of the operations on Channel 4's Embarrassing Bodies, the stuff on the inside is pretty gross too.

>Read the source story
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Dame Judi Dench Gets Freedom of the City

Dame Judi Dench Gets Freedom of the CityDame Judi Dench is to receive the Freedom of the City of London tonight in honour of her acting achievements.

Yes, there's nothing an actress deserves more than getting the right to drive her sheep over London Bridge.

Oh, the number of times I have been trying to get my sheep from Central London down to Balham, but I can't drive them over London Bridge because I don't have the freedom of the city. I have to take them on the Northern Line. I'll tell you this much, sheep are useless with Oyster cards.

Apparently she also gets the right to wear a sword in public.

They give people the right to carry a massive blade and then let them cross London Bridge? No wonder there's such a problem with knife crime in South London.
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20/06/2011

Cheryl Speaks

Cheryl ColeToday the Mirror boasts: "Cheryl Speaks".

Yeah, we know she does, but not very clearly. That's why she got sacked, remember.

Poor old Cheryl Cole has had a rough time of it recently. She's been sacked from the US version of the X Factor, then we hear she's not going to be on the UK version, and over the weekend the papers were saying she's getting back together with Ashley Cole.

She is going backwards. Give her another three months and toilet attendants had start to watch their backs.

It was in the News Of The World where it said that Cheryl has moved back in to the £5m marital home she shared with ex-husband Ashley after spending an evening together. A source told the paper, "They were saying what a special night it was. They were mucking about like old times."

Hopefully not too much like old times or he'd be texting his wang to other women all night.

It won't be just like her early days because she says she won't be living the showbiz life as much. According to the Mirror she said: "I haven't had a break for nine years and I'm exhausted from it all. For once now I am going to take some time out."

So, the rest of Girls Aloud were busy were they?
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19/06/2011

Swimming (Naked) With Whales

One of the most amazing stories in the news is that of a woman who stripped naked and went swimming with beluga whales.

Tut. The things women will do to make sure they're not the fat one in the group.

36-year-old diver Natalia Avseenko agreed to participate in the experiment designed by Russian scientists to try to tame the shy creatures.

You have got to be pretty confident in your sex appeal if you think stripping off could get a whale interested.

Scientists believe belugas dislike artificial materials such as clothing and diving suits, so they got her to strip totally naked.

I can't believe she fell for it. In the background of the official photos you can see the scientists saying, "We were going to send her to the shops to buy a glass hammer, but this is so much better."

She used her skill as a diver and some yoga breathing techniques to stay in the sub-zero temperature water for more than ten minutes.

Some people have said it was just a publicity stunt and that's why they got a woman to go naked and not a man. They would've got the same pictures either way. Remember, the water was below freezing. At those temperatures a naked man starts to look more like a woman.

>Read the source story
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17/06/2011

Cows Make Human Breast Milk

Cows Make Human Breast MilkChinese scientists have produced a herd of genetically modified cows that can produce human breast milk.

Really? They can't make toys without feeding our young lead and we're expected to try the science project breast milk?

And it seems a little strange. I mean, it's hard enough to breast feed in a coffee shop subtly when you're doing it using your own bits. There's no way a woman will hide a cow under that poncho.

Researchers at the State Key Laboratory of Agrobiotechnology of the China Agricultural University introduced human genetic coding into the DNA of Holstein dairy cow embryos, then transferred the embryos into cow surrogates.

So, it's not just human breast milk that you could get from these animals. You could get a man steak. Or a man sausage. Scrap those ideas. We'll stick with the milk.

"The genetically modified cow milk is 80 percent the same as human breast milk," said Li Ning, a professor and the project's director as well as lead researcher.

By the way, his name nearly made me think this was a hoax Li Ning, on the fence near the cattle... really?

But sadly it looks like it is real. It's another breast milk related story and there have been many of later. Recently there was thing story of a place making cheese out of breast milk but this GM cow thing has me worried.

I don't worry about the breast milk being fed to babies. I'm not an expert on that so I shouldn't comment, but I am an expert on cappuccinos and I don't want any human breast milk being put into that.

When I go to a coffee shop and they ask what cup size I want, I don't expect them to mean the place my frothy milk is coming from!

>Read the source story
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16/06/2011

Podcast 18 - Sir Brucie, Prince Philip and Wayne Rooney

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 18. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast...

Sir Bruce Forsyth
Prince Philip's birthday treat
Wayne Rooney's hair apparent
Health and Safety in the bedroom




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Download the mp3

Download from the back-up server

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Hugh Hefner's Wedding Is Off

Hugh Hefner's Wedding Is OffBad news. The marriage of Hugh Hefner and his young bride Crystal Harris has been called off.

That's a shame. I thought it was going to be the perfect wedding. You know the old saying about weddings, that you need, "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue"? Well, Hugh was technically the first and fourth on that list.

Apparently, Crystal decided to call off the wedding because she had been having "second thoughts" for some time.

She's a Playboy bunny, so even having "first" thoughts was breaking with tradition. But you can't blame her, she is 25 years old, he is 85 years old.

She wouldn't have been the first newly wed bride to get stuck into changing nappies, but they didn't even have kids.

But at the same time, I honestly feel sorry for Hugh. For all I know, while I make my little glib comments, he could be really hurting. He probably thought she'd be with him for the rest of his life. Well, at his age, when he buys a bag of salad he probably thinks it could be with him for the rest of his life.

>Read the source story
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15/06/2011

'Imaging' Thomas

Imogen ThomasImogen Thomas has hired a reputation manager to try to get her a nice clean image.

Most people do that by not shagging married men, but each to their own.

According to the papers she has called in Chris Angus from Warlock Media who will work to erase all internet links to bad publicity. So I wonder how long my site will last.

He can make it so that search engines won't show results about certain stories. So, if you Google 'Imogen Thomas affair with footballer' it won't mention Ryan Giggs. How does he make that happen? Simple. Get her to have an affair with Wayne Rooney.

Chris said: "You can't stop an event happening but you can stop it being seen."

Of course you can, you just put it on ITV4. No one will see that.

>Read the source story
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13/06/2011

Daily Mail's Middle-Class Headline

Today's Daily Mail has another snobby front page...



Its main headline is: NOW A RETREAT ON BENEFITS

Listen, you middle-class idiots, they're not called "retreats", they're called "estates", and yes, they are on benefits.
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12/06/2011

Spies In Schools To Hunt Fanatics

Spies In Schools To Hunt FanaticsThe Sunday Express has the headline: "Spies In Schools To Hunt Fanatics".

I think those spies will be easy to spot. It doesn't matter how undercover they try to be, you'll know which pupil is the spy. In a class of 6-year-olds, only one has stubble and is 4-foot taller than the rest. My money is on that one.

Secretary Michael Gove plans to send in experts in Islamic extremism to identify dangerous radicals in schools.

Well, again, that shouldn't be tricky to spot the radical extremists in the class room. Look at all the 6-year-olds and the one with the beard is probably the one you're after.

And when you look at the finger painting they've been doing, if one looks like it was done with hooks... you wanna watch him!

>Read the source story

P.S. I like the giveaway on the Sunday Express, "Free Water"... during a drought. Just how many copies of the paper do you think the Lincolnshire farmers will buy?
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11/06/2011

Sir Brucie Gets His Bonus

Brucie Gets His BonusThe Sun's headline is "Nice to Sir You". It's talking about entertainer Bruce Forsyth who has finally been given a knighthood.

It was like a game of chicken. They were trying to leave it has late as possible before giving him his knighthood, but didn't want to leave it so late he died. And the palace blinked first.

If Brucie didn't get one this time I was going to write to him and tell him to fake some chest pains the next time he's on TV, that would've clinched it.

They did well to hold out this long. When I was watching Strictly Come Dancing I wasn't sure he'd make it to the end of each show. There was one bit last year when I saw Brucie's face on the TV and thought it was that Doctor Who episode with the face of Cassandra...



He's been in showbiz for over 70 years and he's only just got what he deserves.

Even though he is a knight of the realm and should be addressed as Sir, he'll always be Brucie to all of his TV fans. And I'm sure he won't be one of those prats who makes people call him 'Sir'! No one likes a self-important knobber like that, do they Alan Sugar?

>Read the source story
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French Flirt For A Living

French Flirt For A LivingA new survey says that one in three French people claim to have had a workplace affair.

One in three? If you're on your own it's not really an affair, it's nipping to the lavs for a fiddle. And while you're doing that imagine what the other two out of the three are getting up to.

I'm amazed that a third of all French workers have had an office fling. When you think about how long their lunch breaks are, when do they find the time to flirt?

Maybe that's why they go on strike so much, it's a chance to hang out with co-workers and mingle. You think candlelight is romantic, wait till you've chatted by the light from a burning lamb lorry.

A third of people flirting is OK, depending on what business they're in. Flirting if you work in an office is fine, flirting if you work in retail is almost expected, but if they work in an STD clinic... "Hi, do you come here often?"

>Read the source story
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The 90-year-old Formerly Known As Prince Philip

The 90-year-old Formerly Known As Prince PhilipBritain's Queen Elizabeth awarded her husband Prince Philip a new title as a 90th birthday present.

I think that's a very cruel 90th birthday present. At that age, his name was one of the few things he could still remember.

Yes, the plain-speaking Prince has made it to 90 and he said that he plans on doing less from now on... and the Royal PR people breathe a sigh of relief.

I'll miss the stories in the news of Philip being casually racist when meeting the common folk. I think we're all impressed that he made it through Obama's visit without trying a fist-bump or making a fried chicken reference.

In an interview with the BBC, he said: "I reckon I've done my bit so I want to enjoy myself a bit now, with less responsibility, less frantic rushing about, less preparation, less trying to think of something to say."

It was the things he thought of saying that got him in trouble. He once told British students in China: "If you stay here much longer, you'll be slitty-eyed".

In his defence, maybe he meant it like, "If you watch too much TV you'll go square-eyed, but they all have widescreen here."

And he also asked Aborigines in Australia if they still threw spears at each other.

In his defence... nope, I can't think of anyway of spinning that.

To mark the occasion of his birthday, his wife conferred the office of Lord High Admiral, the head of the Royal Navy, to Philip.

I hope it's just a fancy title and it doesn't really mean he's in charge of our Navy. We'd be one call centre conversation away from invading India.

>Read the source story
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10/06/2011

Alan Rickman's Nude Scene

Alan Rickman is starring in the Coen Brothers' remake of the 60s film Gambit, starring alongside Cameron Diaz. It will involve a scene with him naked in a glass box.

Hey, if I want to see a cock behind glass I'll go and try to get good service in the Post Office.

But I'm actually looking forward to seeing Rickman in the nude; it will finally test what people say about men with big noses. If it's true what they say, seeing Alan naked will be like seeing a man try to shop-lift a pink draught excluder.

And this is where his genius shows through. Most male actors worry about the cold during a nude scene leading to some embarrassing shrinkage. Rickman gets naked in what is effectively a greenhouse.

The glass box is currently being constructed in a top secret location. Why the secrecy? I think it's because he's paying to have magnifying glass built in to aid the natural look.

So he has the warmth, the refracting lens and the big nose affect all helping him look larger down there. And if that isn't enough... Cameron Diaz will be in the room. He'll he fine.



A lot of people have been asking for the source of this story. Sure thing, I read it on the Evening Standard. Read it here.
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07/06/2011

Podcast 17 - E.coli, Ryan Giggs and Cheryl Cole

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 17. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast...

Attack of the German vegetables
Ryan Giggs plays away
Cheryl Cole's accent gets her sacked
People think famous places are real




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