29/07/2011

Kids Don't Know Their Own Names

A rising number of children are said to be starting school not knowing their own name.

Wow! How drunk are these kids!

Oh, I see. These 3-to-4-year-olds haven't even been taught their names by the parents. That's terrible. It never happened in my day. But then I went to school with a lot of Ians, 2 Daves and at least 4 Jims. They aren't tricky names. But thanks to the celeb-inspired trend for strange names these kids don't stand a chance.

Take, for example, the Beckhams' new baby Harper Seven. She'll have to learn to count before she can work out what she's called.

And if you're a Geldof you probably tried your best to forget your name.

Anecdotal evidence from head teachers says more kids arrive for their first day at school unable to recognise their name when it is called out in class. It's thought it is because they come from families where they are just sat in front of the TV all day instead of being interacted with by their parents.

Well don't worry. Yes, they may start their schooling a little behind when it comes to using their own name, but when they're grown up they'll be using it a lot. It'll be on their name badge just under their 5 stars.

>Read the source story
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Great Plastic Bag Betrayal

Great Plastic Bag BetrayalFriday's Daily Mail has the headline: Great Plastic Bag Betrayal

That's a coincidence because that's also the title of Peter Andre's autobiography.

But this is the news that the Daily Mail is upset about the amount of plastic we waste in the form of plastic bags. The newspaper is upset. You know, the same newspaper that on the weekend wraps its supplements in plastic even though they'd already be protected by the actual paper. Yeah, that paper is angry with is for using plastic bags.

They ran a campaign to reduce the number of bags used but it didn't work. They say an extra 300million plastic bags were handed out by supermarkets last year. I'm amazed that's happened because in the old days you could just take the bags you wanted to use, but now, when you pile up your week's worth of food on the conveyor belt the checkout person has to say to you, "Will you be needing bags?"

"No, I thought I'd just eat it as soon as you've scanned it! Or I might just back the car up to checkout number 9 if that's all right. Idiot!"

But you don't say that, you say, "Yes, I will, thank you." And they give you one carrier bag. One!

"I've got enough food for a week there. And thanks to your supermarket's 6 for 4 deals I've has purchased more than I could ever need. I've bought so much food the best before dates are now a dare. And you have given me one bag!"

Unless they're getting those carrier bags from Mary Poppins, it's never going to work.

And yet, even with all those hoops to jump through we're getting more bags. Is it because we don't like being denied things we used to get for free, so we pack fewer items into each bag? Or is it because we're buying more things?

I don't know, but I know one reason why I have been getting a lot more plastic bags from WH Smiths. I don't want people to see that I bought a copy of the Daily Mail.
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28/07/2011

Northerners Have Bigger Brains

For a while this was the best news I'd read all day. People from the north have bigger brains.

Yeah, of course we do. It's because we're so clever. Our brains are so full of cleverness we don't have space for the word, "THE", which explains our speech patterns.

Sadly, the scientific research shows it's not linked to northerners being clever. And if you think about Kerry Katona that theory holds. The reason for the tiny difference is that people in the north have to live with less light.

I think that's because they can't afford the lekky bill.

Eiluned Pearce, of Oxford University's School of Anthropology, explained: "As you move away from the equator, there's less and less light available, so humans have had to evolve bigger and bigger eyes. Their brains also need to be bigger to deal with the extra visual input."

Ah, I get it (because I'm clever, because I'm northern). So big eyes are linked to big brains? Wow! That guy from Britain's Got Talent must be a genius.



>Read the source story
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27/07/2011

Giggs Front Page News Again

It's been a while since we heard about Ryan Giggs, so I thought that meant we'd heard all the news. Surely there couldn't be anything else about him. Well, nothing that's worthy of a front page, right?

Well, I was wrong as the Daily Star goes with: "GIGGS KINKY FROLIC WITH BELLY DANCE BABE".

This is clearly big news and deserves such attention because, let's be honest, it's not like there's famine, war or stories about big rich nations who are about to run out of money, so they have to print something.

But then I start to notice the holes in the story. Firstly, they're not belly dancers, they're burlesque dancers, but I realise that word wouldn't fit. They used to say, "never let the facts get in the way of a good story," now it's, "never let the facts get in the way of an OK headline".

And then I read the story which said: "Team-mates Wayne Rooney and Rio Ferdinand joined in the fun."

Well, that clearly means it wasn't anything too rude. They were probably just watching some professional burlesque dancers doing their job. It obviously wasn't some sort of 5-in-a-bed with those guys. None of them know how to pass. They're all such glory-hunters they'd all be trying to shoot as soon as they got near the box.

One onlooker said the players were "mesmerised" by the sizzling girls.

Well, I've never seen any burlesque but I have been in an Indian restaurant when they have brought out the food, and if someone ordered the sizzling platter it gets everyone's attention. So it's hardly a surprise.

We could rewrite this story as:

  • GIGGS WATCHES
    PEOPLE
    DO
    THEIR
    JOB WITH
    FRIENDS


  • Basically, what I'm saying is that was a totally pointless front page. What a waste of newspaper space. The only thing worse than a newspaper printing such a nothing story is someone who wastes space on a website talking about th.... oooh dear.
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    Pole Dance Classes For School Kids

    How's the for a story to get people angry? Family campaigners last night blasted a group for teaching pole dancing to girls aged 7.

    Yeah, it does seem wrong. I know people say schools should be less academic and teach skills that will be useful to their students in their future jobs, but that's not aiming that high, is it?

    The controversy started when they put pictures of the classes online. A spokesman for Christian group the Mothers' Union said: "Children are being targeted with an activity that's part of a male club culture which objectifies women."

    He makes a good point. But dressing up in a school uniform with pig-tails also does that; good luck trying to ban that in schools.

    The teacher, 18-year-old Jess Leanne Norris insisted that "nothing rude is going on". She said: "What I teach is pole fitness - nothing else. I've never received any complaints."

    It's all about branding. If you call it a "pole dancing lesson for kids" it seems wrong, but if you call it "advanced fireman pole training" people won't mind.

    Kate Eaton, whose seven-year-old daughter "loves" the classes, added: "It's not sexual. I've put pictures on Facebook because she wants people to see what she can do."

    It is innocent but it just seems too easy to make it seem seedy that it might just be a bad idea from the start.

    I don't think it was helped by the other class being held in the gym at the same time, the under-10s Monopoly money throwing lessons.

    >Read the source story
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    24/07/2011

    The Cheating Footballer Test

    Whether you're a fan of football or a fan of infidelity, the recent news stories of our sportsmen have certainly given us lots of read.

    Maybe you enjoyed the story of Wayne Rooney and his pay-as-you go antics. Maybe Ashley Cole's track record with hair dressers was more up your street. Maybe you were a fan of Ryan Giggs' Family Fortunes, or perhaps John Terry becoming the living example of the phrase "with friends like that who needs enemies". Or there's a small chance you dug through all the news about phone-hacking and were lucky enough to see the lesser-spotter cheating Rio Ferdinand in the papers.

    Either way, it's been a bumper crop. And we'd like to know which one was your favourite.

    As part of the SomeNews.co.uk Live Show, being performed as part of this year's Edinburgh Festive, we're running a poll to work out the nation's favourite cheating footballer. Kind of a "Sport Personality (But Lacks Morals) of the Year" vote. So do it now!

    Just pick your fave, click the 'vote' button and you'll be helping us get to the bottom of what makes a truly great cheating athlete.

    survey tools


    Thanks for taking part. After the Edinburgh Festival the results will be posted here.
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    BBC Radio Northampton Interview

    On July the 9th I was interviewed on BBC Radio. We talk about podcasting, Twittering and the two shows I'm taking up to Edinburgh this year.

    You can hear the interview in the player below.



    Or download here.

    And if you want to book me to have a chat on a radio show or in a magazine, just use the email at the top of the page.
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    23/07/2011

    Saline Death Nurse Charged

    Saline MurderOn the front page of The Sun, the nurse accused of killing patients by tampering with medicine has now been charged.

    I'm not going to put her name here because she's only been charged, not found guilty, and this sit is indexed by Google. But if she is guilty... IF... can I just say, she doesn't have the look of a killer, does she?

    Whatever happened to the days when the nutters in the news would be someone who looked like a loner? A neat centre parting, trousers that don't quite reach the top of the show, revealing white socks. You knew where you stood with killers like that.

    Whenever there has been a spate of murders it's normally the man who the neighbours say "kept himself to himself" who flipped. I'm not a sociable person but I make an effort to migle so I don't fit that profile. I'm not that chatty and I once watched Star Trek so make sure I don't keep myself to myself. I don't want to be the police's "go to guy" when someone goes missing.

    And serial killers are meant to be the sad weirdos who spend their time making models out of matchsticks when they're not buring bodies, not fun-loving outgoing women who have fun on Facebook. All of the pictures of this woman seem to show someone having a good time. Don't tell me I have to start worrying that normal looking people are potential killers.

    You're meant to see the picture of someone who has just been arrested for some killings and think, "Well, of course he did it. With a face like that he should've been arrested years ago." Oh, the world was an easier place back then.

    And she was a nurse, remember. They're meant to be sexy. Don't ruin that for me too. It'll mess up any role-play. "Ooooh, you're a bad nurse aren't you? What are you going to do to me? Oooh, tie me up? And what else? You're going to do what with my saline!?!"
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    21/07/2011

    Murdoch Misled

    James Murdoch has been accused by two former senior executives at the News of the World of misleading Parliament over his knowledge of the extent of phone hacking at the newspaper.

    What? Someone in the newspaper industry lied? My god, I need a sit down.

    A former editor of the paper, and its lawyer, said that in 2009 they told Mr Murdoch, the chairman of News International, about evidence suggesting phone hacking was not limited to a single "rogue" reporter.

    To be fair, when we all sat and watched the Murdochs no one thought they were going to be honest. Part of the fun was to watch then try and wriggle out of questions. I don't trust them so much I half expect to find out that James was putting on that silly America accent all along. And when all the truth comes out we'll find Wendi isn't Rupert's wife, she's a ninja assassin bodyguard.

    But misleading a parliamentary committee is potentially a criminal offence. Oooh, if they get arrested and are allowed just one phone call, I wonder who's voicemail they'll listen to.

    On Tuesday, Mr Murdoch was asked by MPs whether he had been aware of the key email. He said: "No, I was not aware of that at the time." However, Colin Myler, the former editor of the News of the World, and Tom Crone, the newspaper's lawyer, last night issued a statement in which they said they had told Mr Murdoch about the email.

    To be fair, there are still some emails sitting in my Gmail inbox that I haven't read even though I keep getting asked about them. I have one down the bottom from some guy in Nigeria who knows how we can get our hands on some money from someone who died. All his needs is my bank details and I could get millions.

    But I'm not going to reply. I'm not that bad. I'm going to forward it onto Greece. They need it more than I do right now.
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    Brit FM Interview

    Recently I was lucky enough to be interviewed on Brit FM, the radio station linked to the Brit School.

    You've missed it now, but you can hear the interview in the player below. If you can't get it to work, email me and I can send you the file.





    And if you want to book me to have a chat on a radio show or in a magazine, just use the email at the top of the page.
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    Peter And Jordan Hacked

    Peter and JordanWe were upset when we heard it was Milly Dowler's phone that was hacked. We were outraged when we heard that the phones of the relatives of those who died in terrorists attacked and the soldiers who died in Iraq were hacked. But now the nation has to deal with this shocker...

    "Jordan and Peter: Our Sex Secrets Were Hacked"

    Now hang on a minute. 'Secrets'? Everything in your lives was films by an ITV2 camera crew, sold to OK Magazine and then written about in one of 5 autobiographies.

    I don't think she understands the word properly. Jordan, do you realise that Victoria's Secret is just a brand name, it shouldn't be used as a definition of the word secret?

    Pals say they are sickened at the thought of steamy voicemails being bugged when they were still married.

    Meh. They were voicemails. How steamy could they really be? OK, the woman who says, "Leave your message after the beep," has a certain dominating tone to her but no one gets that sexy in a short voicemail.

    And let's just remember what her voice sounds like. She has the monotonic disinterested voice of a train announcer working his notice.

    And the content of these voicemails must've been pretty dull because the newspapers never actually printed any stories about them. So if Jordan and Peter are right, the journalists listened to some dull voicemails, in a flat passionless voice about details that the public probably already knew and already didn't care about. This is the first case where the News of the World won't give them money to settle out of court, but send them an invoice for the 5p-a-minute they spent checking that voicemail.
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    The Bill Gates Toilet

    Bill Gates ToiletThe man who reinvented computers and made PCs a household item in most wealthy nations, Microsoft tycoon turned philanthropist Bill Gates, is now focusing his attention on reinventing the toilet.

    It makes perfect sense in a historical setting. Centuries ago people used windows and now they use toilets, so he's just following on.

    The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is pledging millions of dollars in grants to reinvent the toilet to try to help Africa's sanitation issues.

    It's an honourable goal, but would you really want a toilet that runs like the Windows operating system? Windows takes 5 minutes to open. I don't know if it's just my diet, but I can't always wait that long for the loo.

    I don't want to have to download security updates for the toilet all the time to try and plug some obvious holes that should've been spotted before it was released.

    And I don't want a toilet that, like Windows, leaves me at a high risk of getting a virus.

    Just think if they don't stop at household toilets. What if they bring out a Microsoft pub urinal? Sometimes, when it's busy it can be a little hard to actually start urinating. If you waited a few seconds you'd get that bloody paper-clip, "It looks like you're trying to do a wee."

    Anyway, it doesn't really matter if Bill Gates reinvents the toilet because in a few years time Steve Jobbs will finally live up to his name and release the far more stylish iPoop.

    >Read the source story
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    20/07/2011

    Murdoch Eats Humble Pie... Well, Humble Foam

    Murdoch pie in faceRupert Murdoch described yesterday as "the most humble day of my life".

    And it really was because he had to have his wife beat someone up for him.

    In case you missed it, here's what happened. Rupert and his son James attended a parliamentary select committee to (manage to not) answer questions about the phone hacking scandal, but the details of what they said were over shadowed by what has been called on Twitter #piegate.

    Jonnie Marbles, a comedian in the Aaron Barshack genre, attacked Rupert Murdoch during the last question by slapping a custard pie in the old man's face. Well, it was actually a paper plate with shaving foam on it. Tut, recession, eh?

    But that act of foamy protest was immediately over shadowed itself but Mr Murdoch's wife Wendi. She shot up out of her seat and pounced. Was she protective of her octogenarian husband, was she upset as it's normally her who has to rub shaving foam on his face, or is she secretly a ninja body-guard?

    She slapped Jonnie Marbles across the face. It was a good one. It looked like he would've been sore after that. He'll probably have to put some cream on it, which isn't without irony.

    43-year-old Mrs Murdoch then picked up the paper plate with the remaining shaving foam and rubbed it in the comedian's face. It's good to see marrying a billionaire hasn't changed her, she still likes to use up left-overs.

    There are still questions about how Mr Marbles, a comedian and well-known activist, had got into the room. He'd sat there tweeting a series of messages as the Murdochs were examined over phone hacking. And in a final tweet, made just minutes before the incident, he said: "It is a far better thing that I do now than I have ever done before #splat".

    And now people will think all of us comedians will go round hitting people in the face with pies. Well, maybe that's good. It'll mean we won't get heckled as much. Well, we'll only get heckled by fat people.

    Whatever you think about Rupert Murdoch and his role in the phone hacking scandal and indeed his place in the media landscape, fundamentally it was a 26-year-old guy hitting an 80-year-old man. Getting his ass handed to him by the pensioner's wife seems only fair.

    Remember Jonnie, as you go through life, if you get roughed up by a someone wearing a pink jacket, you're not hard.

    >Read the source story
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    19/07/2011

    Going For Gold

    going for goldToday's Financial Times says: "Gold breaches £1,000 barrier".

    Typical. Just before we get the bloody Olympics! We'd better win most of the medals, we don't need all that wealth going out of the UK.

    But it's good news for other countries. Just as the US finds out it needs to increase its borrowing we hear the price of gold has shot up. If they sell Mr T they could write off their whole debt. If they sell of rappers' teeth they could buy have themselves a treat too.

    But it's the jitters over the eurozone debt crisis and the US debt ceiling that drove the gold price through the £995 an ounce mark for the first time.

    Gold hasn't been worth this much in ages. It will probably mean more people will use those Cash4Gold services. That's good news... for people who work in the Post Office. There's nothing like putting your gold in an envelope, that's marked Cash4Gold, to let the postal workers know which ones to nick.

    >Read the source story
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    18/07/2011

    Marilyn Monroe Statue

    I hope he doesn't think it's raining!A 26ft sculpture of Marilyn Monroe in her most famous pose has been unveiled on Chicago's Magnificent Mile.

    That's the pose where her skirt is blown up into the air. But in the film where this happened she's stood on an air vent so it makes sense. With this statue you can see there is no air blowing up. So it just looks like she's doing a wicked fart.

    Passers-by wasted little time positioning themselves under her billowing skirt to get a view of Monroe in the same stance as she appeared in the 1955 film The Seven Year Itch.

    That's odd. If I saw anyone from a film with the word "itch" in its title I wouldn't go near their pants.

    Some of the people who had a look up there were surprised by what they saw. But not in a Lady GaGa way. One said: "I would have expected to see something flat there, and we wouldn't see her undergarments."

    Now there's a guy who's never got laid.

    But 52-year-old Pam Jennelle, of Orlando, Florida, could not understand how anyone could be offended or uncomfortable with the sculpture, saying: "They're perfectly proper white lace panties."

    I'm with Pam on this, I don't know how people can think it's offensive. It doesn't matter what you see up there, it's not real. And I mean, how on Earth would anyone manage to do rude things to something that size? Come on, use your head!

    >Read the source story
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    16/07/2011

    Posh Buys Becks A Car

    In this week's Now we learn that Victoria Beckham has thanked husband David for looking after her when she was pregnant by presenting him with a £30,000 vintage car.

    Wow! She's just made the idea of fatherhood a lot more attractive.

    Victoria bought the car from elite car dealer Chequered Flag in LA, as a thank you for all the support.

    Support? Surely as the bloke all you have to do is look concerned and let her swear at you when she's in labour? Although she had a caesarean so if she was swearing at him and calling him names it means she's still not forgiven him for the Rebacca Loos thing.

    She got him a deep red convertible 1966 Pontiac Firebird.

    I tell you what, if you're buying me a car you could name your kids whatever you wanted. Forget Harper Seven, you could name it Clarineter Fifteen or whatever.

    I'm assuming that's what the name Harper means; someone who plays the harp. If it is that kid is already the most musical member of that family.

    >Read the source story
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    15/07/2011

    Ulrika Was Hacked

    Ulrika Jonsson has joined the list of people who claim their voicemails were hacked by the News of the World. She said a top News Of The World executive told her not to leave voicemails on her mobile because "we'll hear them".

    If she's trying to get some sympathy she's not quite in the Milly Dowler or victims of 9/11 category. There's nothing like having an affair with someone to make a bit of phone hacking look like a lesser crime.

    She spoke out amid claims her fling with ex-England boss Sven was only exposed because her messages were intercepted. Ulrika said she "felt sick" when Met police produced evidence which suggested she was being spied on.

    She hated the idea of being under constant surveillance, said the woman who later went on Celebrity Big Brother.

    She said: "Someone warned me not to leave voicemails because they can get those. They couldn't intercept text messages but they can get voicemails."

    They were intercepting the voicemails of a woman who speaks Swedish who was having an affair with a Swedish man? I'm amazed they could understand a word of it.

    If I tapped into someone's messages and heard some garbled vowel sounds I'd think, "Oooh, someone's on T-Mobile!"

    >Read the source story
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    14/07/2011

    Scorpion On A Plane

    A man travelling on a flight between Seattle and Alaska got the surprise of his life when he was stung by a scorpion.

    We've all been stung on a plane before, but normally just by the hidden costs and taxes.

    Yep, he was stung by a scorpion on a plane. Near the cockpit? No, on the elbow.

    Jeff Ellis had dozed off about three hours into the trip and awoke when he felt something tickling his arm. He caught it in a napkin and it was put in a clear plastic bag.

    Apparently the writhing arachnid terrified children who were sitting nearby. "Their mother told the flight attendant, 'Get that thing out of my face'," Mr Ellis said.

    While it's terrifying to be sat next to a scorpion on a flight at least you can keep the kids away from the back of your seat. Seems worth it.

    He then had to wait a nerve-wracking 30 minutes before the flight landed, checking himself for signs of a fatal allergic reaction. He said: "In the movies, scorpions kill people."

    True, but in the movies people get enough leg room on a flight and never get their luggage lost, so you can't always believe what you see in films.

    >Read the source story
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    13/07/2011

    Man Walks 1,000 Miles To Marry

    A man has followed the advice of The Proclaimers when trying to get a woman to marry him.

    Really? Did he look at The Proclaimers and think,"I bet they know a thing or two about women!" I think they're more likely to know where to get free Milky Bars.

    Here's the story, Liu Peiwen proposed to Proclaimers fan Ling Hsueh, and she accepted but joked it was on condition he followed the Scottish band's hit 500 Miles.

    That's the cruel part. He would've walked 500 miles and called her to ask what was next in the song. "You what? Walk 500 more? Well, why didn't they just say that. At least Vanessa Carlton's A Thousand Miles was being up front about it."

    Mr Liu set off on a walk from Henan province to his other-half's hometown in Guagndong province in south-east China, 1,600km away which is 1,000 miles.

    Mr Liu said: "When I get there I hope she is waiting for me and I will ask her again - and I hope she says yes."

    If not, next time go out with a Tracy Chapman fan. At least following the advice of the song Fast Car would've got you there a lot quicker.

    >Read the source story
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    You Big Baby

    A woman in Texas has given birth to a record-breaking baby who weighed in at more than 16lbs.

    That's more that twice what the new Beckham baby weighed. That's like pushing out two Haper Sevens. So, a Harper Fourteen.

    The baby boy, called JaMichael, was born to Janet Johnson and Michael Brown in hospital in Longview, Texas .

    Ms Johnson said: "A lot of the baby clothes we bought for him will have to be returned. They're already too small for him to wear."

    Heck, just stitch together the remnants of your clothes and his dad's clothes, cos that's what you've clearly done with his name. Janet and Michael calling their kid JaMichael. The poor kid is one Jeremy Kyle DNA test away from having to change his name.

    I don't like this mash-up thing with names, even though being called Steve it sounds like I have rather religious parents. It's like a saint and Eve got it on.

    The hospital also had trouble kitting out such a large baby. He is the heaviest ever born there, and its nursery for newborns does not have nappies big enough to fit him.

    I bet he had to use adult nappies. Oh well, it'll be good practice for when he's older and uses one for his World of Warcraft marathons.

    >Read the source story
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    12/07/2011

    Podcast 20 - News of the World, Harper Seven Beckham and Apprentice

    SomeNews podcast
    It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 20. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

    In this podcast...

    The End of the News of the World
    The new baby Beckham
    Anti-helmet protester dies
    The Apprentice




    More Options

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    09/07/2011

    Phone Hacking - Andy Coulson Arrested

    Andy Coulson arrestedToday's Times tells us "Coulson arrested: 'There's a lot I'd like to say but I can't'."

    Well, Andy, just leave yourself a voicemail, it'll get out.

    After ex-News of the World editor Andy Coulson was arrested and questioned about the phone-hacking scandal, David Cameron faced fierce criticism for bringing Andy into Downing Street as his spokesperson.

    Yeah, bringing a liar and a cheat into politics. How would you tell him from everyone else?

    But the Prime Minister refused to distance himself from Mr Coulson, calling him 'a friend' with whom he is still in touch.

    Well, when he says in touch... Andy has his mobile number. And probably his PIN code.

    But defending his hiring of Andy, David Cameron said: "I took a conscious choice to give someone who had screwed up a second chance."

    I never thought there would be anything in common between David Cameron and Cheryl Cole. Well, that and the fact they both got where they are today by sucking up to a media mogul.

    >Read the source story

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    08/07/2011

    Egg Throwing A Sport?

    The egg throwing official body (yes, there is such a thing) wants egg throwing to be included as an Olympic sport. Oh no. Bad idea.

    Let me first say, hey, I like sport and I like eggs, so I'm not bringing any prejudice to this. I just don't think egg throwing should be in the Olympics.

    It's not a sport. It's little more than a heckle. It's what people do to Tony Blair and John Prescott; let's not make them technically athletes.

    And it's a waste of a good egg. It could've been destined to be a lovely omelette or part of a full English, till some wally in a rain coat lobs it. Think of what a chicken had to go through to make that egg and you'd have a bit more respect.

    It's high-risk as well. Most sports have common injuries like a groin strain or a broken metatarsal, this is the only sport with a risk of salmonella.

    This can't be the thing we add to the Olympics. The rest of the world already thinks we're a laughing stock, this wouldn't help. The Americans joke about our cuisine. If they see us throw eggs they'll think, "With their cooking, it's the best thing they could do with it."

    Egg throwing is just as embarrassing cheese rolling. In fact, when it comes to sport, your mother was right, DON'T PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD!

    I thought rowing was embarrassing because there's someone in the boat called the cox, this is a sport where one of the positions is called 'the tosser'. Come on, you're not helping.

    And if I'm wrong and it does become an Olympic sport, all that will happen if it becomes a sport is that we'll teach the rest of the world to play so they can come back and beat us at it.

    Basically, unless you're Gordon Ramsay on a strop, you shouldn't be throwing eggs. End of.
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    07/07/2011

    Bad News Of The World

    The News of the World in 'not being a newspaper any more shocker!'

    Yep, the News of the World has been closed down.

    I bet Ryan Giggs is regretting the timing. If he held that super-injunction just that little bit longer. Ah, he must be kicking himself. And they way he plays football he's probably missing.

    This Sunday's edition will be the last ever. So if you have a year's subscription to their website you'll be pretty miffed.

    It comes after the paper was accused of hacking thousands of phones including those of murder victims and the relatives of dead war heroes.

    It takes a twisted mind to want to hear the phone calls of victims. I can't stand hearing the phone calls of other people in the same train carriage as me.

    News International, which owns the tabloid, announced the decision to close after 168 years after describing the allegations as "inhuman" and as having "no place in our Company".

    Really? Not even working with Rebekah Brooks? How can it be that she hasn't been sacked? The staff of the newspaper, who have just lost they're jobs, didn't do any phone hacking, but seeing as Rebecca got promoted, she's safe.

    She used to work on The Sun, having it shine out of her backside, according to Rupert Murdoch.

    News International chairman James Murdoch said in a statement: "Having consulted senior colleagues, I have decided that we must take further decisive action with respect to the paper. This Sunday will be the last issue of the News of the World."

    I suppose there was nothing else they could do. The only way they could've restored trust in the newspaper would've been to sack everyone and employ my dad. He can't even check his own voicemail.

    Mr Murdoch said the good things the News of the World does (mainly pictures of Hollyoaks actresses' boobs on a beach) "have been sullied by behaviour that was wrong."

    So now they get to sack the people who didn't do the phone hacking while keeping those who were complicit, and close down a newspaper, getting The Sun to run 7-days-a-week, which is a massive cost-cutting exercise.

    Justice.

    Maybe I'm wrong, maybe that's not how they are looking at it, but I heard a voicemail message earlier...

    >Read the source story
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    Rio's 10 Secret Lovers

    Rio's 10 Secret LoversIf you're a premiership footballer who has had an affair you'll probably be OK... unless a newspaper group has a big story it wants to try to bury. Oh dear.

    Front page of The Sun today says: Rio's 10 Secret Lovers

    I'm not sure how they found out about all of these women Rio had affairs with. Unless some of those women were ex-service men or relatives of victims of terrorism.

    I know this is in The Sun, and it's their sister paper, the News of the World, who did all the phone hacking, but if it's in the family it's fair game. Not my words, the words of Ryan Giggs.

    According to the paper, ten alleged secret lovers of Rio were named in the High Court, including a stripper, a topless model and a Pop Idol.

    Pop Idol? Not X Factor? I guess that's Michelle McManus.

    The list was reeled off by Gavin Millar QC who said: "Disclosure of an affair was well justified in the public interest."

    Oh come off it. We didn't need to know if Rio Ferdinand had an affair. He's a footballer. We just assumed he did.

    >Read the source story
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    The Old Bag Escape Trick

    Wife tries to free lag in her bagA woman has been arrested for trying to sneak her husband out of prison in a suitcase.

    What a dumb idea. He wanted to make a quick getaway and left her to do the packing?

    The wife was rumbled as she left the jail following a conjugal visit.

    Hang on. They let her go in for a conjugal visit with a massive suitcase. Just what did they think she'd be getting up to in there?

    Anyway, during this visit she unzipped her case, her hubby tried to climb in and squeeze himself into the awkward shape and she zipped him back up. So, outside the room they'd hear some unzipping and the sounds of a man in pain. It would sound like a Frank Bough impression.

    Guards became suspicious when they saw 19-year-old Maria del Mar Arjona trying to leave the prison in Mexico with the bulky black bag.

    I know, right? A woman with only one suitcase. Something was wrong.

    When they checked the case they found inmate Juan Ramirez Tijerina curled up inside.

    That's a risky way to escape. OK, you could probably get past the guards and out of the prison, but as soon as she checks you in with easyJet, you'd never been seen again.

    >Read the source story
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    06/07/2011

    Tina Turnered Out On The Streets

    A woman who sang Tina Turner songs all night has been evicted from her home.

    Hey, she got off lightly. The last person to sing that many Tina Turner songs was Tina Turner, and look what she got.

    This is the news story of a 46-year-old woman who moved into a house in Hammersmith and from day one kept her neighbours awake with her karaoke.

    This goes along with what I have always said, karaoke should be punished.

    It's bad enough in a bar when you're trying to have a drink, but for someone to do it so that you can hear it at home, it's disgraceful. It's like bringing a little bit of X Factor into your house. And you wouldn't want to be invaded by Louis Walsh when you weren't expecting it.

    My favourite bit in the newspaper was when it said the woman the would sing power ballads from 8 till dawn, accompanied by 'thumping noises'.

    Ah, so she was doing Ike's bits too.

    >Read the source story
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    05/07/2011

    Ashley And Cheryl

    Ashley And CherylFront page of the Star today has Ashley Cole saying, "Yes I've made mistakes. I have to live with it."

    Firstly, you don't HAVE to live with it, just because it wants to move back in, and secondly, come on, stop calling your ex an "it". That's harsh.

    It's nice to see that Cheryl has become a blonde for him. Now, if only she could get a job as a hairdresser in Essex she could be his perfect woman.

    I don't know if she should go back with him or not. She seems to still really care for him but he does have a past of infidelity. One thing is for sure, Cheryl should make Ashley join T-Mobile. At least that way she'd know he wasn't sending rude texts.
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    The New Beckham's Arrival

    David and VictoriaDavid and Victoria Beckham should've had their next baby by now. That's not because I saw a sign or anything. - "And behold, there was a star in the East. And it had a D&G logo on it." - No, they planned it. They booked in for a caesarean on their 12th wedding anniversary.

    I know what you're thinking, "Ah, ain't that romantic." Maybe, but it wouldn't have been if they got married in April. The poor little thing wouldn't have stood a chance.

    It seems a little controlling to make your daughter be born on the same date as your wedding day but it's actually a stoke of genius on Victoria's part. David will never forget their anniversary again. Now, if she can have another kid on her birthday she'll be sorted.

    The bookies' favourite, if you want to bet on names, is Luna. Really? A couple who have a history of naming their kids after where they were conceived, and you think they'll name her after the moon? Just how rich are they?

    >Read the source story
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    04/07/2011

    Wimbledone

    WimbledoneI know that Wimbledon has just finished and I feel that this topical website should mention it, but there's only one problem... I don't know anything about tennis. I don't even understand the scoring. Would it kill them to just count 1, 2, 3... I hear them say, "30-15," and I think, "My word, they must've been playing for ages!"

    I know so little about tennis I had to double-check that the headline on the Metro was to do with another story and not something Andy Murray said to the trophy.

    But the winner of the men's one was Novak Djokovic, and while I thought that was the name of a baddy in a low-budget action film, it turns out he's actually a really good tennis player. He beat Rafael Nadal and got the world No.1 ranking in one simple move. Which means he'll be seeded or ceded or whatever it is. Neither make sense to me. He's either given up as a territory to another nation or he's left till he drops his seed everywhere, and that sounds more like something a footballer would do.

    But anyway well done. There was also a women's final. Google tells me that was Maria Sharapova being beaten by Petra Kvitova. I don't know who your pronounce Petra's surname properly but I say it like a Cockney telling you to pass him something, "Oi, k-vit-ova!"

    All I know is this. Andy Murray didn't win so lots of English people will go back to being in favour of Scottish independence.

    The fact that I don't know anything about what happened isn't my fault. Most of the newspaper and television coverage of this great tradition in our sporting calendar was that Pippa Middleton turned up one day in a see-through dress.

    I don't know if that has anything to do with tennis really but I did find myself thinking, "New balls please!" Don't ask!
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    03/07/2011

    Prince Albert And The Runaway Bride

    What great news. Prince Albert of Monaco married his bride, South ­African Charlene Wittstock. This makes me feel a lot better about my life, that and the other recent royal wedding.

    Look at the woman Prince Albert managed to pull and look at the woman Prince William managed to pull. And what do Prince Albert and Prince William have in common? That's right, they're both balding.

    OK, they're also both princes but I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Balding is in, baby!

    Before the wedding of the head of Monaco to the former Olympic swimmer, she had been dubbed the "runaway bride" amid claims she tried to flee before the big day. Charlene is said to have been intercepted by detectives at Nice airport as she tried to travel back to her native country and even had her passport confiscated before rejoining the Prince for a hand-in-hand tour of Monaco to quell rumours.

    I can already see his first mistake. Surrounded by that much water he should've picked someone who couldn't swim as a bride; it would narrow her escape options.

    The rumours were that she got cold feet after hearing of the Prince's alleged infidelity.

    Well, that's understandable. No bride wants to hear about her bloke cheating, just before the wedding day. The "something borrowed" isn't meant to be the groom. And given what his name means in slang, he could be the "something blue" as well.

    To say it was her wedding day she didn't look very happy during it. They had rather negative body language. I saw the coverage on Sky and it felt like it was the first shotgun wedding where the gun was aimed at the bride.

    Albert's illegitimate six-year-old son and daughter of 19 were not invited to the wedding. But it's good that he has some illegitimate children, because by the look of the bride at the wedding, she's never going to let him anywhere near her.
    >Read the source story
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    02/07/2011

    Crouch and Clancy Tie The Knot

    Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy have tied the knot.Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy have tied the knot.

    Aw, congratulations to Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy who have got married. Yep, they've been going out for a while and she has realised she thinks he's a keeper. Which shows how much she knows about football, he's a striker.

    After he had his little fling with a Spanish escort I didn't think he'd manage to convince her, but when you look at what all the other footballers have done since then... Wayne Rooney, Ashley Cole, Ryan Giggs... he's actually one of the good ones.

    If you don't remember the details of what he got up to in Spain we wrote all about them at the time, they're here. It was about a year ago. And it doesn't seem that long ago that we heard Peter had gone down on bended knee. And she got on a step-ladder. You know, meet him half way.

    They have been in a relationship for five years and Abbey gave birth to the couple's first child, Sophia Ruby, three months ago.

    You know what, I really hope they make a go of it. Putting his one little mistake to one side I have always liked them. She seems nice and he didn't let fame go to his head. Well, that's probably because it can't reach that high.

    >Read the source story
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