31/08/2011

The Middle Class Homeless

More bad news today as we are told by The Guardian that "Homelessness could spread to middle class".

A study says that the economic downturn and the government's deep cuts to welfare will drive up homelessness over the next few years. It could get so bad that we will see some middle class people living on the streets.

That's terrible. I don't want to be pestered in the street by middle class homeless people. You'll hear, "Spare any notes mate?" as they'll be above pocket change. And the thing is, if you give them money you know they'll only spend it on red wine and tapas. They're not helping themselves.

And if you live in London, you'll get middle class homeless folk getting on the Tube. As soon as the train leaves the station, so you can't get off, it starts. "Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I'm trying to raise enough money... to get into a 4-star hotel for the night."

Yeah, some middle class people will end up living on the streets of London in a cardboard box, but I bet they have a rather nice second cardboard box in the country.
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29/08/2011

Gaddafi Home Invasion

Anti-Gaddafi forces have said they are preparing to enter the former leader's home town of Sirte for the final big battle to gain full control of Libya.

So they think he's gone back home? We've all had to do that in the past. Your new job didn't work out, so you have to move back in with your folks.

Gaddafi will be there, sleeping in his old single bed, with the Fireman Sam duvet, and when he goes down for breakfast in the morning his mum will be saying, "Never mind dear, I' sure there will be other countries to be the dictator of."

Sirte is considered Colonel Muammar Gaddafi's last stronghold.

Yep, he's still liked in his home town. So he's doing better than Ringo Starr these days.

>Read the source story
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25/08/2011

Podcast 21 - Riots, Exams, Diets and Floods... oh my.

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 21. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast...

The riots in the UK
Exam results are out
A diet for 6-year-olds
Flash floods




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21/08/2011

Exam Success

"Give priority to pupils with tough A-levels, says minister."

Why not? That's what's going to happen if they go on to gain a degree. If you have it in a proper subject you'll probably get a good job, if you do a degree in skateboarding you might not find it useful in your PWC application.

But it seems harsh to mention it. Pour the cold water of reality onto these kids next week, let them enjoy their results. And they got good results. It was another record-breaking year for A-level; one in 12 exams achieving an A* grade.

Yeah, a lot of kids got A*. But I'm up in Edinburgh right now, so if you only get "A*" you must've done a rubbish show.

Having said that, up in Edinburgh there are more students here than are trying to get into university. You can't move for some young faced person singing while moaning about some human rights issue somewhere. Oh it's fun.

Back to the exams. Overall this year, the pass rate rose for the 29th year in a row, with 97.8 per cent of A-level entries receiving at least an E - up from 97.6 per cent last summer.

How is it that so many students are so clever they can sail through exams, but have you ever met a teen? Some of them don't realise that if you have a cap on your head you don't also need to put the hood up.

And if they're that good at subjects like maths why can't they work out which number is their size in jeans so they don't hang half way down their legs?
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14/08/2011

Kerry Katona Wants More Babies

The front page of The People today has, "Kerry: I want more kids... but the thing you first need to have is... sex."

Some people would say you should also have a partner, a stable home, a job or even sobriety, but you go for it Kerry.

If she's saying that as a way of hinting that she wants sex she has really misunderstood blokes. Saying, "I'm looking to have a baby. So who wants some?" has never been a good way to convince a man to get randy.

To be honest, if you want to talk a guy into bed, don't talk. Just act like you're drunk and in the mood for some fun.

Oh, hang on. So that's what she was doing when she was interviewed on This Morning? Ah, good plan Katona.
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Doughnut Cashier Offered Sexual Services

dunkin donutsA night-time employee of a doughnut retailer has been caught offering sexual services in exchange for money on her shift.

I kind of hope that's sexual services with her, not with the doughnuts. I know they have a hole in the middle but...

It was 29-year-old Melissa Redmond who was working her 9pm to 5am shifts at Dunkin' Donuts in Mine Hill, New Jersey. She was found to be going outside to customers' cars for 10 to 15 minutes.

Hmm. Not just the "Donuts" they were getting dunked.

Police launched a six-week investigation codenamed 'Operation Extra Sugar', which was led by Detective Sergeant Kyle Schwarzmann. He said: "I had gotten an anonymous tip."

"Anonymous"? I think the local Krispy Kreme may have been involved.

Undercover cop Scott Haigh eventually posed as a customer. Redmond gave him her phone number, telling him to call if he wanted a "good time". On a later visit, Haigh was given prices for the employee's sexual services.

Wow. It makes, "do you want fries with that," from McDonald's staff seem positively uncaring.

Redmond was arrested after another visit from Haigh and now faces prostitution charges.

That's a shame. She was the one thing making doughnuts-eating Americans get some sort of exercise.

>Read the source story
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11/08/2011

What Your Lips Say About You

Big LipsA new scientific study says the shape of your lips could determine how much you enjoy sex.

Yeah. If you have thin lips you don't like sex. If you have lips all bobbly with cold sores, you probably like it a little too much. Did we need a study to work this out?

Experts believe women with a more prominent tubercle, the middle part of the top lip that points upwards, are getting more fun in bed.

Or they're getting a little rough in bed. It depends if that's a natural lip or one that's had swelling.

His is going to change the way men work when they're trying to pull. You want a woman with a big upper lip. You want Angelina Jolie or Megan Fox, or to be more realistic, a female boxer.

It's a worry because if you focus too much on the lips you could make a mistake. If you look for someone who's this, with long hair and massive lips, you could end up pulling Mick Jagger. You have been warned.

>Read the source story
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10/08/2011

Riots In The UK

Riots In The UKThe riots in the UK have been spreading and the images in the news have been depressing. There have been people burning buildings, people robbing injured people, and people looting. I know I'm not the only one to think these people are utter scum.

I'm shocked that we live in a country that has so many idiots. And they are idiots, I can prove it. One of the reports I read, in the Salford Star, said how people had been looting a branch of Lidl. Lidl! Why? You could spend all day in there and still only leave with £3's worth of goods.

On BBC news they spoke to a caller who witnessed people trying to loot an Argos. Idiots! Just go home and rip the pictures out of the catalogue.

But we didn't need evidence like that to see that these people aren't that bright. Who goes round smashing up the area you live in? It might seem like a good idea at first but then you realise you're the one who will have to live with the consequences. It's like breaking wind in the bath.

Also in Salford The Money Shop was looted. But people just wanted their stuff back before someone nicked it, I guess.

There's talk of bringing in the water cannons. I think that would be a great idea. The water cannons would stop the rioting and here's the proof. There has been no rioting in Edinburgh this week and the streets here have been soaking wet every day. So, you work it out.

Yes, it is something of a uniquely English shame. There have been no riots in Scotland or Wales. So what does that tell you? It tells you that free prescriptions can really calm people down.

>Read the source story


If you are visiting the Edinburgh Festival now, 
see more on this story and others at
 The SomeNews Live Show, 5:15pm in The Newsroom, 5-11 Leith Street.
On till the 28th of August.

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07/08/2011

Naturists Upset By Huge Erection

Some nudists have been outraged after a tower block overlooking their naturist club has been given the go-ahead.

I don't know why they're upset. Being viewed from above is normally quite flattering. They should be upset if some built a basement flat under them with a sky-light.

It's the White House Club in Warlingham, Surrey, where members (and I use that word advisedly) will be on display. The club's 300 members can swim naked in its 50ft outdoor swimming pool, relax in its sauna or play tennis on its two outdoor courts. Other activities at the five–acre site include table tennis, basketball, badminton and bowls.

Basketball sounds like the best one, because the rules of the game stop anyone from touching you.

Bowls sounds like the worst one, only because of that off being position people get in to release the ball.

David Mason, the director of the club, said: "Our members playing tennis or standing in front of our clubhouse can be overlooked, especially when the screening trees' foliage is down."

Isn't the foliage down in autumn and winter? If it's that cold no wonder they don't want to be seen. Shrinkage!

David added: "We want to see measures put in which preclude overlooking, and protect our environment, which has been a haven of tranquillity and recreation for more than 70 years."

If they have some of the original members still there, I don't think anyone will will be having a crafty look. In many ways I feel sorry for the people who buy a flat before they realise what they can see from their bedroom window.

One of the members, a 26-year-old secretary said: "Not that I'm ashamed of my body, but I don't want any Tom, Dick or Harry staring at me from their windows."

I bet that's exactly what the person in that flat thinks, just without the Tom and Harry part.

>Read the source story
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05/08/2011

Girl Gives Birth While Taking Exam

Girl goes into labour during examIn America, a girl who went into labour during an exam stayed to finish it.

Don't worry, she wasn't a school girl, she was 29-year-old Elana Nightingale Dawson. She wasn't some teenage girl having a baby because it wasn't in the UK.

I'm joking. There's no way we would have a headline like "School Girl Goes Into Labour During Exam" over here. As if our school girls will be taking exams.

Dawson wanted to finish her bar test in Illinois as quickly as she could despite starting the pregnancy process because she knew the results would not be valid unless the test was completed.

But labour can go on for about 20 hours. Just how long is this bar exam?

She told the Chicago Tribune: "I thought if I put my head in my hands and breathe deeply and do what I learned in class, I would get through it."

I assume that in the pregnancy class, not in the lawyer lessons. If you see your lawyer put his head in his hands and breathe deeply you know you're going to jail.

She added, "My goal was to get through the exam as fast as I could and leave, barring anything happening that made me think there was something more imminent going on."

I can't believe she got away with it. I once got told off for taking a calculator with me into a maths test. She smuggled in a whole second person!

>Read the source story
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Eurozone You're O'Broke

Eurozone crisisWow. Jut in case you didn't feel poor before, we're having another financial crisis.

Many of the UK banks have reported losses which led some to say we tax payers may never get the money back than we lent them.

So, the banks took the money we invested in them, gabled it, lost, said, "Oooh, we're out of money, help!" So we gave them more money, which they lost and now they're saying, "Oh well, we're not paying you back."

That's bad, but what bothers me more is that the bank still chain those pent up. Like we're the ones stealing from them!

The Eurozone isn't doing very well and we're feeling the pain. The FTSE 100 was down more than three per cent as panic swept across financial markets.

It looks like Italy might need a bail out soon. It's because their economy has ground to a halt ever since they stopped Berlusconi paying for sex.

There are also worried that Spain will be next. But we might only just be seeing the start of the financial problem as today we get to hear the US unemployment data, and if that is bad the markets may take another hit.

This is the first time I have forgiven them for sacking Cheryl Cole from the American X Factor and replacing her with Nicole Scherzinger. At times like this it's US jobs for US people.

>Read the source story

If you are visiting the Edinburgh Festival now, 
see more on this story and others at
 The SomeNews Live Show, 5:15pm in The Newsroom, 5-11 Leith Street.
On till the 28th of August.
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04/08/2011

Now Heather Mills' Phone Was Hacked

Heather Mills phone hackingMore in the phone hacking scandal. Heather Mills has claimed she was hacked by a journalist. Yep, she doesn't like the Mirror now. And with a face like that, who can blame her. Ooooh, cheeky.

Miss Mills told Newsnight that a journalist had caller her and quoted verbatim a message that Sir Paul McCartney had left on her phone, so it must've been hacked.

Well, I think we could all have a good guess about what that message would've said. "Erm, Hi Heather, can I have some of my money back please?"

This latest step in the phone hacking scandal is interesting because it isn't News International, it's the Mirror Group papers. It looks like the then-editor Piers Morgan might get into some hot water over this. And the people of Twitter love it when Morgan gets into trouble.

MPs have called for Piers to return to the UK to face questioning.

Now hang on. We don't like Piers Morgan but we don't actually want him back. Come on, select committee, ever heard of Skype?

>Read the source story


If you are visiting the Edinburgh Festival now, 
see more on this story and others at
 The SomeNews Live Show, 5:15pm in The Newsroom, 5-11 Leith Street.
On till the 28th of August.
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03/08/2011

Britain's Mini Heatwave

Time to be stereotypically British and talk about the weather. Hasn't it been nice? The newspapers were saying that, "sweltering Britain was hotter than India."

Why do they do that? It's not like anyone is going to change their plans when they hear it.

"What's that? Hotter than India? Well, I had booked two weeks in Mumbai but I only wanted the good weather, so sod that I'm going to Worthing."

It's interesting that the newspapers picked India. It's almost like they were saying, "It was hotter in England than in India, so the cricketers can't even use that as an excuse!"

I wonder if it ever happens the other way round. Do you think, after a weekend of bad weather the Indian newspapers run with the story, "It's crappier than Birmingham"?

Apparently the hot but humid weather has been ideal for mating flying ants. Great. They freak me out. They're an odd species. They can only try to mate because they can fly. Kind of like middle-aged pilots.

But as much as we have been enjoying the warm weather in the day, it's the warm nights that make us suffer. Sometimes, if it's too warm I sleep in the nude with a fan in the bedroom. So, if you are a fan of my work, email the address above.
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01/08/2011

Bad News For Women

Bad news for UK women today. It's in the news that the women in the UK are the unhealthiest in Europe, they're more likely to develop cancer, as I read in The Guardian today. They say it's due to too much drinking and obesity.

But that's not the really bad news for women. This is...

A new survey says women over 40.... fancy Jeremy Clarkson.

They say it's due to too much drinking and obesity.

Wow. Cataracts are coming in early these days. Seriously, he's your dream?

The Top Gear host came second only to Hugh Laurie's House. Typical women, always thinking of trying to get the house. Oh, I see. That's his characte.... nevermind.

A poll of 1,000 mature single women said Clarkson's height of 6ft 5ins was what made him attractive. Oh come on, if you like tall men put an attractive one on stilts or something.

Eleanor Selley, founder of mature dating site www.footloosedating.co.uk which carried out the survey, says a combination of Clarkson and House would therefore be the ideal for the older lady. She said: "Both men are attractive in their own right, but the idea of rolling the two of them into one sexy package is more than enough to raise a pulse."

Raise my dinner, more like.

So, you'd have a tall grumpy man who hates the people he works with and upsets everyone. That's just Clarkson with stubble.

It seems that the more mature woman really wants to find someone who's grumpy. Or at least find a man who's not grumpy, and see if they can't change that fact.


>Read the source story
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