30/10/2011

Naked Woman In A Horse

Naked Woman In A HorseThere is a story in the news of a 21-year-old woman who crawled naked inside the carcass of her dead horse.

I know it's Halloween and we're all looking to save money on our fancy dress costumes, but this is ridiculous.

Her horse wasn't well, and by that I mean it was seriously ill. It wasn't just feeling a little horse. Feeling a lit.... ah, never mind.

So, the woman and her boyfriend decided to kill the horse. I've looked into it and the horse hadn't just changed its will, so I think we're safe to say they were trying to end its suffering.

But then, what do you do with a dead horse? Traditional wisdom has already ruled out flogging it. And remember, there is a recession on, so they decided to eat the meat. Ah, if only eating your pet was the worst party of this story.

The woman of the couple then decided to get naked (you wouldn't want to ruin a blouse) and climb inside the gutted horse to "feel one" with her pet.

The boyfriend should've dumped her if she didn't pause before she climbed in to say, "And I thought they smelled bad... on the outside!"

Then the couple took photos of her soaked in blood. Her Facebook friends were in for a nasty shock that day.

What stupid thing to do. It was sick, heartless and just plain wrong. And a wasted opportunity too. If you're inside the carcass of a dead horse you have to do one of two things.

    1- You hide inside that horse and get yourself delivered to the city of Troy.

    2- You go to the nearest bar and wait till the barman asked, "Why the long face?"

>Read the source story
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RIP Sir Jimmy Savile

Sir Jimmy of SavileSad news on the front of the Times today. And I don't mean the "All women get right to caesareans" story. That's not sad news, that is inevitable... More Government cuts.

It's ironic that they run with a story about birth on a front page that, sadly, has a lot of death. At the top there's Steve Jobs and the main picture is Sir Jimmy Savile.

In some ways that front page shows you the difference in the way famous names pass on. Some die young and you think of all they could've done if they would've still been around. And when some go it makes you remember all that they achieved. Sir Jim was certainly in that second category.

It's sad because I guess it means I have reached that age where people I remember from my childhood are starting to die. We've just lost Jimmy Savile, Columbo recently passed... At this rate it's not looking good for the ThunderCats.

But in some ways it's not sad. If you think about everything Jimmy has left behind it's impressive. A legacy of culturally defining TV shows, shaping what became modern radio, even the marathon running, I think anyone would be happy to leave that behind them when they go. And while it's sad that he has died, it should also be a time to celebrate all that he achieved.

Jimmy Savile's death is sad for me, personally. Not just because I ended up working in the industry he helped to shape, it's sad for me because it means he will never get round to reading the letter I sent in when I was a kid. He will never "Fix It" for me and arrange what I asked for. Yep, after today, I'll just have to come to terms with the fact that I'll never get to sing with Freddie Mercury.

RIP Sir Jim.
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29/10/2011

Man Has Donkey Hooker

Man Has Donkey HookerA man in Zimbabwe, who was caught having sex with a donkey, stunned a court by claiming that the animal was in fact a hooker he pulled from a nightclub.

Wow. Back up there. He was caught having sex with a donkey? I bet he felt a massive ass.

And that's an odd defence. If someone accuses you of having sex with a donkey most people would deny it, not say, "Yes, I had sex, but I had to pay for it with cash."

28-year-old Sunday Moyo was charged with bestiality but he told the court, "Your worship, I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested. I had hired a prostitute and paid $20 for the service at Down Town night club and I don't know how she then became a donkey."

We all know what it's like. Go to bed with a stunner but when you wake up sober the next morning, she's an utter animal.

But seriously, if you're prostitute has a hairy back, massive ears and eats apples whole, it's time to get a better prostitute.

I love this story. She starts off as a sex worker but then some how turns into a donkey. It's like a dodgy version of a Shrek film.

The magistrate remanded Moyo in custody and also ordered that he be examined by two government psychiatrists.

Quite right. He must be mental. Who'd pay to have sex with a donkey? If you buy them a few sugar lumps they'll let you do whatever you want.

>Read the source story
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28/10/2011

War In Europe

I saw the headline today saying that Germany was threatening war on Europe and I thought, "That headline is over 60 years out of date. That's even worse than their usual Princess Diana headlines."

But it turns out it is a new threat that came about after the Eurozone crisis talks. Germany issued a chilling warning that war could again engulf Europe if the economic crisis doesn't get sorted.

I'm assuming it was more of a warning than a threat. But maybe they have a good point. Another World War would sort it out. It would solve the problem of unemployment, excuse a tax increase and afterwards the reparations from German would really help everyone out. And credit where it's due, Germany seem to know how to get gold during wars.

We're in this too. As they say, if Europe gets a cold...

They just tend to leave that phrase there when they use it in the news. I can only imagine the full version is, "If Europe gets a cold the UK has to go out and buy soup and Lucozade."

Eurozone leaders sealed a three-part deal in the hope that the markets would be convinced there had been effective response to the crisis.

This is what it's all about these days, the markets. If the markets don't have confidence, we all suffer. And we're told the markets don't like uncertainly. They respond very badly to uncertainty. I'm starting to think the markets and a little bit 'special'.

It's like Rain Man. It certainly thinks it's a good driver.

So there we have it. We're at the mercy of the 'specials' who run the markets, having to bail out Europe with Lucozade and if we don't Germany will try to kill everyone.

>Read the source story
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24/10/2011

UK Floods

We're set to get a month's worth of rain in the space of just one day. This has the Express telling us to watch out. But that sounds great as long as we don't get any more rain for the rest of the month. I like that as a plan; get it all over and done with and know you're safe to leave the house without a brolly for the next 30 days. It's the same reason I like being self-assessment for tax.

Sadly I don't think the weather will play by my rules. There are flood alerts for parts of Britain. The Met Office says Northern Ireland, Devon, Cornwall and Pembrokeshire are likely to be worst affected.

So at least we won't have a rerun of what happened in Cockermouth. It was difficult to stay up to date with that news. Every day I Google 'Cockermouth' and you would not believe the results I got. My fault for having safe search off.

Last night, the Environment Agency had two flood alerts in place for the South-west and North-east. A spokesman said: "We are asking people to keep an eye out for flood warnings on our website and to make sure they have a flood plan in place."

A flood plan? Yeah, I've got a flood plan. Don't buy a house in a place that floods every year. Good plan, eh?

>Read the source story
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21/10/2011

Gaddafi Is Dead

What a day it's been in the news. First we heard that Gaddafi had been captured and then we heard rumours that he had been killed, and ultimately we saw the pictures.

One thing's for sure. This was a PR disaster for the Dale Farm travellers. All of a sudden no one was bothered about what was happening down on the farm.

Today we're hearing that Muammar Gaddafi was killed in crossfire after being captured in his birthplace of Sirte.

Yeah, killed in crossfire. Apparently they told him to get down. Well, they shouted "Gaddafi duck!" but that just made him want to watch cartoons.

All the papers cover this story today. The i says, "Gaddafi: The End", The Sun says, "That's For Lockerbie", and the Daily Star says Gaddafi died like a coward. Well, he's not the first Colonel who's linked to the word 'chicken'.

There's still a lot of speculation and details are still coming out. One thing that is for sure is that Gaddafi has died and the newspapers have some quite disturbingly graphic pictures in them. It's a good job they don't use old newspapers to wrap chips in these days or that would put you right off your cod.

>Read the source story
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20/10/2011

Podcast 24 - Gaddafi, Blackberry, Dr Fox & Sex Ed

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It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 24. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast...

Breaking news on Gaddafi
Liam Fox's Swan Song
The Case of the Missing Blackberry Service
And Sex Ed




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Big Fat Gypsy Eviction

The eviction at Dale Farm in Essex has begun. It's a hard one to talk about because both sides make their case with passion.

The travellers would say they have been on that land for so long, land they own, and the eviction is costing millions at a time when we're not the richest of nations. While the land they're on is technically greenbelt it's hardly and area of outstanding beauty. It's greenbelt but a horrible shade of green, like a khaki.

The officials would say you can't have one law for one group of people and another law for everyone else. If they don't have to adhere to planning law why should anyone? If they're not evicted your neighbour might just add a Leylandii forest to his back garden.

On Wednesday, riot-trained officers entered Dale Farm, Essex, at first light and quickly advanced, establishing a position which allowed them to begin removing the main scaffold gate. To try to stop police getting in some travellers set fire to a caravan.

That's an odd move. If you can get them to keep doing that eventually they'll clear their own site.

Some protesters chained themselves to gates but they were removed quite quickly, probably by the same guy who had my bike away a couple of years back.

Last time the eviction was threatened the plans to stop it were better. We heard of one guy who set his arms in concrete. Arms, not arm. If you set one arm in concrete they still can't move you, but you can scratch your own nose. Still, it's a good move. I'd give him a round of applause but it would look like I was taking the Mick.

Resistance remains and some residents said they were determined to obstruct the eviction.

I don't know whether I'm for or against this but one thing's for sure, they're a lot less entertaining when they're not having a big fat wedding.
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19/10/2011

Old People Are Wise - The Proof

old brainIn the Telegraph today there's a story about how scientists have proved old people are actually wise.

But then you think, "Well, the Telegraph is probably a little biased in this." I'm not saying you have to be old to read the Telegraph but I'm still amazed they use such small print.

The research found the brains of older people are as agile as their younger counterparts. Was this research or did they just watch Countdown for a few days?

Apparently, older people were found to be less bothered by making a mistake and used their brains in a far more efficient way, only engaging certain parts of it at the exact moment that they were required.

So we stop caring about standards and start getting lazier. I'm there already. I must be so wise.

As part of the research the scientists got the subjects to perform tasks where the rules changed as the game went on.

As we get older we get better at doing things where the rules keep changing. Darn it! Why wasn't I older when was rowing with the ex?

>Read the source story
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18/10/2011

Prime Minister Who?

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, was on the Tube, tried to speak to a woman and was shocked that she didn't know who he was.

In the defence of Sanyogita Mayer, if I were sat on the Jubilee line and I saw Cameron I'd think, "Wow! That guy looks just like David Cameron". But I wouldn't think it was actually him. Why would the PM be on the Tube like the rest of us plebs? The only reason someone that posh gets that far underground is to check on his wine cellar.

Why would the PM be on the Tube? I'm sure he has people to Tube for him.

Mrs Mayer said: "We were on our way to go shopping. This man got on at Westminster and came past me and said, 'Is it your baby?' I said, 'yes', and he said, 'Your baby is really beautiful.'"

Didn't recognise him? He's lucky she didn't mace him. Get away from my baby, weirdo!

I don't care who you are, you don't talk to strangers on the Tube. It's the rule. In fact there's only one type of person who talks to strangers on the Tube, and that's the person who gets on an begs, "I'm sorry to bother you ladies and gentlemen but I'm trying to raise enough money to get into a hostel for the night."

Is that what this country has come to? Our PM has to get on public transport and say, "I'm sorry to bother you ladies and gentlemen but I'm just trying to raise enough money to get out of this debt crisis..."

>Read the source story
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The Fish Foot Spa of Death

fish pedicure gives you aidsHave you seen them? They're in every town and they want to take a chunk out of you? No, I don't mean the charity muggers, I'm talking about the fish foot spa pedicures.

What happens is you put your feet in a bowl of fish and they eat the dead skin off you. These fish eat you! Who discovered this? Who put their feet in a lake, saw some fish starting to eat them and thought, "I'm going to stay right here, see what happens?" If that guy sat in a piranha-infested lake he would've had a very different outcome.

Now we hear that these fish pedicures could spread diseases such as HIV and hepatitis C.

Wow! And what a rubbish way to get those diseases. "How did you contract hep C? What was it, lots of sex, lot's of drugs?" "Nah. I couldn't be bothered to use a pumice."

The government’s Health Protection Agency said the risk of infection for users of the increasingly popular treatment, in which dozens of tiny Garra Rufa fish nibble dead skin from their feet, is "low but could not be completely excluded".

I'm shocked by this. Something that's a bit fishy could give you hep C. *insert joke about sex with Pamela Anderson*

In new guidance to be published today, officials say those with diabetes, psoriasis or a weak immune system are particularly vulnerable and should not take part in the beauty craze at all.

I've never been a fan of this treatment. We have spent millennia evolving to the top of the food chain and now we turn ourselves into fish food. Talk about demotion.

And if they find out what we have been doing to their relatives like cod and sardines, they might take their revenge. And if that happens, at the very least Clarks would go out of business.

>Read the source story
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14/10/2011

Woman Ages 50 Years In Days

aged 50 years in daysThere's a story in the Telegraph today of a woman with a strange medical condition that has made her age 50 years in just a few days.

The Telegraph must be thinking, "That's one more reader!"

It's the story of a woman who lives in Vietnam, called Nguyen Thi Phuong. She is only 26 but in the space of less than a week she has aged into her 70s.

I knew that Large Hadron Collider would cause something like this. You can't break the speed of light without someone paying for it.

Experts think it's because she had an allergic reaction to seafood.

Isn't it scary that something like that could happen? A little bit of seafood and you're old. I'm worried because I had scampi in the pub on the weekend and now I'm enjoying wearing a cardigan and complaining about modern music.

Her husband, carpenter Nguyen Thanh Tuyen, says his love for his once beautiful wife has not faded. Ah, bless. That dude has a Mrs Robinson fetish.

Some have argued that the condition is lipodystrophy, a rare syndrome that causes a layer of fatty tissue beneath the surface of the skin to disintegrate while the skin itself continues to grow at a startling pace. It can change someone's whole appearance in a matter of days.

That's nothing compared to how quickly alcohol can change someone's looks. Thanks to that drug, I've gone to bed with some stunners but in the morning they've looked pig ugly.

>Read the source story
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Sacked For Being British

Sacked For Being BritishThe Express today goes with a story about the workers who claim they were fired 'for being British'.

Gulp! If you can get fired for that our unemployment figures will get much worse.

I stopped to wonder, were they sacked for 'being' British as in they were born in Britain, or were they 'being' British, as in acting like a Brit? Because that second one could get you fired.

If you're being British by drinking tea, tutting or invading countries a lot, I can see how that would get you at least a verbal warning.

It's a cleaning company that has been accused of sacking two workers because they were British. This has prompted a Tory MP to call for parliamentary debate on discrimination against British workers.

Oh, I hope this happens. I can't wait to get in a row with someone and totally block their logical point by saying, "Is it cos I is British, yeah?"

Conservative MP Henry Smith used parliamentary privilege to claim Jani-King, based in Kingston-upon-Thames in Surrey, fired the duo simply because they were from Britain. Smith said: "I wrote to the company asking for their comments and got a fairly aggressive and evasive reply. So I wrote back and got another fairly aggressive letter threatening legal action."

Hang on. The owner of Jani-King only communicates via sternly worded letters? Now who's 'being' British?

>Read the source story
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13/10/2011

Sir Bruce Gets Bling

Entertainer Sir Bruce Forsyth has collected his knighthood from the Queen for services to entertainment.

Really? She couldn't pay for the postage?

The 83-year-old said he had been in showbusiness for 70 years, to which the Queen expressed surprise.

I don't know why she was so surprised. When it comes to a person hanging on to the same job for decades, even though others are waiting to take over, she should know all about it.

Brucie said: "Entertaining - it's been the only thing I've ever wanted to do and I've done it for many, many years. Who feels like quitting? I want to go on."

My word, I knew we were having to increase the retirement age but surely he can't need the money that much.

Here's an Audio Bit on the topics...



(If you're reading this from the email newsletter or on the mobile app you can hear it here.)



>Read the source story
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09/10/2011

Dr Fox And Friends

Defence Secretary Liam Fox is fighting for his political career after the row over his working relationship with a close friend deepened.

And I will be referring to him as Liam Fox. I hate it when the news calls him Dr Fox, because it makes me think, "What, the judge from TV's Pop Stars: The Rivals? What's he done?"

There's going to be an internal investigation into whether Liam Fox's links to Adam Werritty, a former flatmate, breached ministerial guidelines.

Mr Werritty brokered meetings for Liam, as well as the access he enjoyed to Government despite having no formal parliamentary or Whitehall role.

Hey, if there was someone doing on MP's work without claiming millions of expenses for duck house cleaning, perhaps we should just be grateful.

The really dodgy, borderline 'Single White Female details of all this is that Adam Werritty had business cards made saying he was Laim Fox's aid, even though he wasn't.

Stalk much? I bet he also practised his signature as Mrs Adam Fox.

But just because someone has a business card doesn't mean they actually do that work. I have a hat from Skegness that says "Boob Inspector". That's not my actual job title.

>Read the source story
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08/10/2011

McCartney Marries Again

Sir Paul McCartney is getting married again tomorrow.

Good for him. It's good to see that after what happened last time he's not been put off. His last marriage was financially costly. For him, getting married again is like investing in Enron twice.

He's set to marry his fiancée Nancy Shevell in London.

I hope it lasts for them but if it doesn't at least we'll be able to do a rubbish deShevelled joke about his next divorce.

Actually, he can afford to lose some more money, so the big gamble here is for Nancy. She's going to be launched into the public eye and, if his last wife is anything to go by, the newspapers will be scrutinising every move she makes. She certainly has some big shoes to fill. Well...
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Dog-Poo-Man

Dog Poo ManA new superhero has emerged in the Czech Republic, to wage war on dog owners who don't clear up their pets' mess.

Hmm. OK, it's a nice idea, but I don't think I'd pay to watch the film.

Friend: "How was that new film you went to see?"
Steve: "Poo-Man? Erm, it was very... poo-related. Which made the love story sub plot a bit kinky."
Friend: "Oh. I bet you regret paying extra to see it in 3D."

This caped crusader, with his tights, helmet and a mask to protect his secret identity, patrols the parks of Prague. If someone's dog drops a log and the owner doesn't pick it up, he picks it up for them... and then rubs it on their backs.

You wouldn't see Batman doing that. Although he'd probably have a proper pooper-scooper in that belt of his.

The self-styled super hero says: "I am SuperVaclav, and I have decided to take action against the indifference and hypocrisy in society."

Hi posted a video on his website. I've seen it and he's not really a super hero because real super heroes have nemeses. He needs an arch villain who he can battle. And what would this guy's nemesis be? Someone who goes round feeding laxatives to dogs.



>Read the source story
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The Live Radio Show - Time 107.5

Sometimes I do a little work on Time 107.5. If I'm on right now there are many ways you could listen.

Here are a few ways you could tune in.

FM: Tune in to 107.5FM if you are in London or Essex.

Online: Try the online player or visit the station site.

Or try this player...



Mobile: Search for "Time 107.5" on the Tune In radio app (you can get the free version from the App Store/Google Play)

Or try copy the webstream into Local Cast on your phone to stream to your Chromecast.


If you're listening, get in touch and I'll give you a mention. Tweet @mrstevenallen

If I'm not on air at the moment you can listen to the highlights of past shows, all free to listen to, right here in the radio podcast section.

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