29/11/2011

Real Zombies In Mexico

zombies walkA world record attempt was made recently at the Zombie Walk in Mexico City. This is where lots of people dress up as zombies and march across the city. I spotted it on page 34 of the Independent. I hope it got better coverage in the local press because that is not a story you would want to miss.

Imagine, if you didn't realise it was happening, woke up, looked out of the window and saw thousands of zombies on the move. I think you'd need an unscheduled laundry day.

I'd have shot five or six in the head before someone would have a chance to explain it.

9,860 participants joined in by dressing up like the living dead.

If you want to see thousands of people walk across a city looking dead behind the eyes, just get up early on a Saturday morning and see all the 'walks of shame' after Friday's one night stands.

The event is said to celebrate diversity. Oh. I feel really bad now. I was just thinking how zombies kind of all look the same.

New Jersey's Asbury Park currently holds the world record after the US city marched with 4,093 flesh-hanging zombie participants in 2010.

And before that the record for the most un-dead in one place was the House of Lords.



>Read the source story
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28/11/2011

Cement In The Butt

cement in the bumA sad story from America of a woman who wanted to work at a nightclub so she went and got some cheap plastic surgery to give her a bigger bottom.

Sadly she didn't end up in the nightclub, because she'd never get that thing through the door.

She found a woman posing as a doctor who filled her buttocks with cement.

And now the victim is worried. Worried? She must be sh*tting bricks!

Oneal Ron Morris, the fake doctor, who police say was born a man and identifies as a woman, apparently performed the bum-home building work on herself.

When you see what the fake doctor looked like you wouldn't assume she was a doctor, you'd think she was shop lifter.

The victim apparently had to get treatment in several hospitals. Wow. How big is that arse that it can't fit in just one hospital?

This whole story came to light after Morris was arrested and charged with practising medicine without a license.

Meanwhile the victim had to have the cement removed from her butt because she didn't have the right planning permission.

>Read the source story
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The UK Strikes Will Happen

Are you ready? We're about to enter the biggest period of civil unrest since Deidre Rasheed got sent down for murder on Coronation Street.

This Wednesday sees the public sector strike. Civil servants, like people at the UK Border Control, will stop working and probably just let anyone in. Could you imagine such a thing?

Two thirds of schools will shut, airports are set for chaos, and the Army on standby.

I'm assuming that's to help out at the airport, not the schools. Although that could be just what some of the kids need these days.
    Sargent Major: "Now pay attention you 'orrible lot. Today we're learning about maths. If the UK has 15 aircraft but no aircraft carriers, where do they all land? No, really, we're looking for ideas."





Union leaders have declared there is nothing the Government can do to avert the biggest strikes in a generation this week.

This is where I'm torn because I normally back people's right to strike. Without it this country would be a terrible place to live with the rich abusing their power. But I have to keep remembering that not only am I not in the public sector, and so will not get a public sector pension, I do silly voices for a living, so I'll never get any pension.

My only plan for old age is dying young, and I'm getting quite old for that. That's why I eat so many eggs; they help you stay thin while also giving you cholesterol.

The idea that we all have to pay tax to help some people get a pension that is far better than I could ever afford kind of take the mick. And when I think about some of the teachers I had at school, I kind of like the idea of their pension being cut. "What's that Mr Watkins, you can't afford to put the heating on? Well, run round in your pants and vest. See how you like it!"

So I'm in the odd place of being in favour of the strike but not being in favour of it achieving anything. Basically, I like the idea of some people having a day off. I know it's a day when only some people are meant to get the time off but we all seem to suffer, but the same can be said of bank holidays.

>Read the source story
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27/11/2011

UK Is Starving

UK StarvingThe Express has the headline, "Starving Britain". And to prove it they show us a picture of Kate Middleton. Yes, she is technically starving but only so she can look good in those outfits.

They're saying that desperate families are facing a Dickensian Christmas with at least 100,000 Britons relying on food parcels because they can't afford to eat.

A Dickensian Christmas? As in A Christmas Carol? It can't be Great Expectations. Not at Christmas as an adult. It's just socks and aftershave.

But a Dickensian Christmas means you get to see ghosts and time-travel to back to your past and visit the future. That's totally worth eating some cheap beans for.

It seems odd that the Express says we're starving but just yesterday the Daily Mail said, "UK Women Are The Fattest". Maybe if we kept some of those women away from the food there'd be more left for the rest of us.

The newspaper says it has uncovered shocking cases of hunger and deprivation even among the middle classes in areas once considered affluent.

This is where the cracks start to show. I can believe this country has people who truly know poverty and hunger, but when the newspaper claims that member of the middle classes are, to use their words, "living hand to mouth", I have to assume that means they're at a buffet.

They use the example of a mother who ate paper towels to curb her appetite so she could feed her daughter.

But if she's middle class I bet she still bought the better quality brand of paper towel. That way, when someone asked if she was full she could say, "I've had Plenty."

Professor Philip James, former government advisor on nutrition, said: "The rate of malnutrition is reaching astonishing levels. Children are being denied fresh foods because families cannot afford to buy them."

And the Sunday Express helps this by giving away Jacob's Mint Club biscuits. They're full of vitamins, I'm sure.

Well, at least they're the mint ones. So at least the kids are eating some greens.

>Read the source story
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26/11/2011

UK Women Are The Fattest

While The Express goes with the headline, "Victory In New Fight To Quit EU" the Daily Mails shows is why we need to stay in Europe, with the headline...

"UK Women Top Obesity League"

If we pulled out of Europe we'd have to give up that title and I bet those pesky Germans would take over.

And well done to the Daily Mail for being delicate with their wording. Normally the newspapers call it an 'obesity epidemic' which makes it sounds like a horrible disease. But 'obesity league' just makes it sounds like a crap football tournament.

The survey found 23.9% of British women are obese. And that's if you work if out by number of people. If you calculate it by percentage mass it's a lot higher.

Just over a fifth. That means out of ever five women one will be carrying too much weight. It's known as the Geri Halliwell effect.

The statistics also showed British men are not far behind, with 22.1% being classed as obese. The 'Early Gary Barlow' effect.

That means British men are the second fattest in Europe coming in just behind men from Malta, and just in front of the Romanian Women's Olympics team.

The UK stands out as having a particularly serious obesity problem among the younger generation, with 16.6% of the 18-24 age group showing as obese, with the other countries showing less than 11%.

And it's good to see that the Daily Mail are trying to help. They have most of the front page given over to the news story that we're eating ourselves into early grave. And above that story... Jamie Oliver showing us how to cook a turkey that's bigger than his own head.

>Read the source story
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24/11/2011

Is Angelina Jolie Still A Bad Girl?

Angelina Is Still BadThe Express gives us a warning. Not about the £50million-a-day EU bill. We all spent years in school learning how to ask for the bill in European languages, it was bound to happen.

The biggest warning is in the headline, "Angelina: I'm still a bad girl."

It's an odd phrase, 'bad girl'. It makes me think of those less than convincing cross-dressers. "Stubble, Adam's apple, chest hair... you make a bad girl."

I know that Angelina Jolie means she's a bad girl as in a naughty girl. What, doesn't do her home work? Doesn't eat her greens? That explains why she's been getting so thin.

In an interview Angelina says she is lucky that she didn't die young. I think we can all say that. You don't often hear people down the pub saying, "Of course my biggest regret was that I didn't die young. At least that way I never would've seen Jedward."

She has done some pretty bad things in her time. She once snogged her brother in front of the press. That is just plain wrong. I say that because I don't have a sister that looks like Angelina.

She exchanged blood with Billy Bob Thornton when they got married. I disagree with that too. I hate gifts that you have just made yourself.

And she once admitted that she liked to use knives during sex. I don't even know what the correct way to use knives in sex would be. You start with the small one on the outside during foreplay and work your way in?

She said: "So I am very lucky. There are other artists and people that didn't survive certain things... people can imagine that I did the most dangerous, and I did the worst... for many reasons, I shouldn't be here."

Look, just because you ate a ham sandwich doesn't mean you're going to end up like Mama Cass.



>Read the source story
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22/11/2011

Nudity Makes You Smarter

Sexy naked womanLooking at naked bodies boosts brain power, according to new research.

Really? That can't be true, or I would be a genius by now.

Scientists in Finland say gazing at nudes activates response regions of the brain and gives it a tune-up.

Hang on. I see what's going on here. They had to think of a way of spending a research grant and they said, "I know. Let's investigate the cognitive effects of checking out nudes."

As far as I know, still no cure for the common cold, but at least our finest minds are looking at boobies.

They said someone looking at a picture of a naked or scantily-clad person processed the image in less than 0.2 seconds, much quicker than the time the brain takes to process a fully-clothed person, and kick-starts the mind.

That's not because the nudity makes you smarter, it's because you want to hurry up before someone walks in and catches you.

I remember when I was taking exams, someone said that listening to classical music made you smarter. So, as I was revising I would listen to Mozart. Little did I know I should've been looking at naked pictures... just like I did when I wasn't revising.

And forget trying to smuggle a calculator into exams. I should've stashed a little naked midget about my person. Tut, you live and learn.

>Read the source story
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SomeNews At The Leicester Comedy Festival [Ended]

This show is now over, shame you missed it. Find out where the next SomeNews Live Festival Show will be by clicking here.




All the news with none of the crap - It's the SomeNews Live Show at The Leicester Comedy Festival.

After the success at The Edinburgh Fringe and The Manchester Comedy Festival, we're taking the new show to this year's Leicester Comedy Festival.

On February 19th at 7:20pm the SomeNews Live Show comes to the Kayal Indian Restaurant in Leicester. (See below for details.)

"****"

It's the show that made Three Weeks say in their 4-star review:

"This little gem of a comedy news show hosted by the charmingly affable Steve N. Allen." "Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look."

And FringeReview said:

"What was evident here, is the performer is quality, his mickery, and the excellent use of accents combined with clever voice-over interaction; is a performer with masses of talent."

Kayal


Here are the details for the show.

Venue:
Kayal Indian Restaurant
153 Granby Street
Leicester
LE1 6FE



Doors open at 7:05pm and the show starts at 7:20pm. The running time is 1 hour. And it's only on the 19th - it's a one-night only performance. Buy tickets here.

And if you buy a ticket to see the show you get in to any of the other Leicester Comedy Festival shows on at the same venue all day.

Audience

Take a look at what some audience members said after one of Steve N Allen's festival shows.



If you're in or around Leicester on the 19th of February 2012, come along and see the show.

     




For more about the show...

You can see the details of the Edinburgh and Manchester version of the show.
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19/11/2011

Obama Assassination By 'Jesus'

The man charged with attempting to assassinate President Barack Obama said he was "a modern day Jesus".

Did Jesus go through an assassin stage that I don't remember reading about? I know about the Christmastime birth and that whole encore at Easter, but I don't remember there being a time when Jesus tried to pick people off with a high-powered riffle.

Of all the crazy answers people can come up with when they ask themselves, "What would Jesus do?" the one I thought wouldn't come up was, "Go on a shooting spree."

21-year-old Oscar Ortega-Hernandez is accused of opening fire on the White House with an assault rifle last Friday. He was charged with attempting to assassinate the President.

Obama is, of course, fine as he wasn't in the White House at the time. I'm not a trained killer or anything, but that's makes this guy pretty rubbish. When trying to kill someone, aiming at the building they're in would seem like the minimum requirement.

And this guy thinks he's Jesus. I'm pretty sure Jesus's aim was a bit better than that. Jesus had to have good aim or he'd cure some water and turn some lepers into wine.*

According to witnesses interviewed by the FBI, Ortega-Hernandez had referred to President Obama as "the Anti-Christ" and "the devil" and said that he "needed to kill him".

But it's OK, because afterwards he shook Obama's hand, and apparently that makes everything all right, eh Blatter?

>Read the source story

* A wine made from lepers? Certainly not a full bodied one. Thank you. I'm here all week.
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18/11/2011

What's In A Stain

What's In A StainThe Berkshire town of Staines has moved a step closer to changing its name. "I don't blame them," I can almost hear you type in my comment box below, "It's the worst place name since Cockermouth."

Well, here's the twist. They want to chance its name to Staines-upon-Thames. That does help. It still sounds like something you'd need to treat with Vanish Oxy-Action, we just know where we need to pour it now.

Changing from Staines to Staines-upon-Thames is like someone with a willy for a nose growing a moustache.

Business leaders have been campaigning for the change to improve the town's image since it became a joke in Ali G's act. Alex Tribeck, chairman of Spelthorne Business Forum, which initiated the move, said, "There's no doubt Ali G put Staines on the map."

Can you hear yourself? You make it sound like he ate a kebab while trying to find a street. Your place name sounds like something Toilet Duck fights. That's your real problem.

I don't think Staines-upon-Thames is going to help, but if you insist on naming your town after something you find in old underwear, it's a shame Mark's Tey has already been taken.

>Read the source story
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15/11/2011

John Lewis- The (Horror) Movie

Have you seen the new John Lewis Christmas advert? It's another of their ads that's so sickly it makes you want to rop up into a bucket, swallow it, and throw it up again.

It's nearly as bad as their last ad that tries to take credit for our teenage fun just because they sell radios.

In this ad there's a kid who fixates on his 'old school' advent calendar. OCD much? If the camera pulls back I bet you could see all his toys in alphabetical order.

We're made to believe this child can't wait for his presents. We're left thinking, "What a piece of scum. He's all out for himself. He exemplifies exactly what is wrong in society. There should be an Occupy His House protest. The git!" And then we find out he couldn't wait to 'give' a prezzie. Bless. (Rops into a bucket and fetches a spoon.)

Here's the advert...



But it is so much better when it is edited to show what it truly is... disturbing!



>Read the source story
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14/11/2011

Podcast 25 - Italy's Trouble, St Paul's and X Factor Fix

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 25. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast...

Italy's economy is going for broke
7 billion people can't be wrong
A cure for fat monkeys
And #xfactorfix




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Fancy A Cup Of Panda Poo?

Panda PooA man in China is attempting to launch the world's most expensive tea, made using panda poo.

That's a great idea. I could really do with some tea that has poo in it. It'll certainly mean I won't get asked to make the tea at work any more.

Wildlife expert An Yanshi has collected around five tons of panda excrement to create the brand new type of tea.

He has five tons of panda poo just to make some tea? Dude, try coffee.

The college lecturer thinks that the rich fertiliser will help create a unique aroma for the tea, which he can then sell for up to £50,000 per kilo.

I can't help thinking that I'd pay less for a cup of tea if someone had dropped a turd in it. Maybe I'm just old fashioned like that.

Yanshi said: "Pandas have a very poor digestive system and only absorb about 30 percent of everything they eat. That means their excrement is rich in fibres and nutrients."

I'll tell you what else has those fibres and nutrients, panda food. And the benefit with that is it's not made of 30 craps.

Yanshi thinks he will get into the Guinness Book of Record with his expensive brew, and I wish him luck, but I have to say, if you serve me a cuppa that has some animal dump in it, we're going to fall out.

I just wanted to make that clear because when you say, "One lump or two," I want to assume you always mean sugar.

>Read the source story
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13/11/2011

X Factor Has Fix Factor

X Factor Has Fix FactorThe Sunday Mirror tells of trouble in the world of X Factor. Technical difficulties took up the first 15 minutes of the show last night. I don't know who "Technical Difficulties" are but I'm sure they'll win the groups section. They were already trending on Twitter more than One Direction.

Also on the show, Amelia Lily was announced as the winner of a public vote to get her back to fill the gap left by Frankie Cocozza. The only trouble with that was, she was announced as the winner of the vote on an official website an hour before phone lines closed.

Some people are saying that means it's all a fix. Well, not necessarily. Maybe the STV website employs Clare Voyants. That's how mobile phones can use predictive texts, you know.

The X Factor-endorsed website put up a long statement congratulating Amelia on her victory over James Michael, Jonjo Kerr and 2 Shoes in the public poll at 8.06pm. The voting lines only closed around 9.17pm. You see, this is what happens when you have to mess around putting clocks back.

The website said: "Amelia Lily is back in The X Factor after winning the public vote tonight." It also said: "As Dermot O'Leary read out her name, mentor Kelly Rowland jumped to her feet screaming as Amelia Lily looked stunned." And it got it right, that is what happened.

Next week at about 7pm I'm logging onto that site to see the results of the 8pm Lottery.

>Read the source story
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12/11/2011

Time & Motion Man Filmed Sex Act

Time & Motion Man Filmed SexlifeThere's a lovely story in the news of a management consultant who secretly filmed himself having sex with his partner. What type of management consultant was he? He specialised in time and motion.

Talk about taking your work home with you. She's lucky he didn't work in downsizing.

44-year-old Graham Gibbons told Cardiff crown court he made the 35-minute long illicit tape to assess the efficiency of his bedroom prowess and not for a sexual thrill.

Efficient? "I spend 28 minutes having sex. I think, if I work hard, I could get that down to 16."

Efficiency is not something you aim for in bed. You never want to roll over, ask your partner, "How was it for you?" and hear them say, "Erm... efficient."

And he was focusing on the wrong half. If you're concerned with time and motion and you're watching a sex tape, focus on the motion.

When she found out that he'd filmed her she called the police and he went to court charged with voyeurism. I never realise voyeurism included watching yourself. I have a mirror in the bathroom I think I break the law in every time I shower.

In his defence he said he only used the footage as an "academic research" project. Mr Gibbons told police: "After studying the tape I gave her 20 minutes of sexual satisfaction, five minutes of intercourse and another nine minutes of sexual satisfaction."

Judge Nicholas Cooke QC told the jury: "He is charged with voyeurism, not with being an oddball." They took just 10 minutes to find Gibbons not guilty.

He got off in 10 minutes, which is twice as long as he took in the video.

Gibbons said: "I was only doing my job as a time and motion expert. I am very happy with the verdict. I've had this hanging over me for a long time."

And the moral of the story is you should do what I do, and before you have sex with someone you have to say, "This may be recorded for training purposes."

>Read the source story
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11/11/2011

Immoral Footballers

Two Iranian footballers are facing 74 lashes after an "immoral" goal celebration on the pitch.

Normally if you hear about some footballers getting lashed it just means they enjoyed a drink. Or they enjoyed a drink and some sexual abuse, depending on if they play for Leeds or not.

Footage of the live televised match showed defender Mohammad Nosrati pinching the bottom of Persepolis teammate Sheys Rezaei during a goal celebration against rivals Damash Gilan.

Rezaei is lucky he doesn't play on the same team as John Terry, he pinches more than your bottom, he pinches your missus.

Now Rezaei and Nosrati are facing a flogging, possibly on the pitch where the celebration took place, after a judge said they may have violated public chastity laws.

While I disagree with the judge in this case I think footballers getting flogged could really bring the audiences back to the game. For the money they get paid they should take a good beating and still be grateful.

Judge Valiollah Hosseini called what they did "immoral". If he thinks that's immoral he should see what our footballers get up to.

Over there it's immoral if you pinch another player's bum. Over if, you have an 8-year affair with your sister-in-law, and it's OK.


>Read the source story
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09/11/2011

Hey, Frankie! Bye!

Europe is about to collapse, or at the very least close like Woolworths did. The recession means year of austerity is heading out way and Swine Flu might come back this winter but...

Frankie Cocozza was booted off X Factor! So it's not all doom and gloom.

Apparently he was thrown off the show after boasting about a cocaine-fuelled sex session. There's a surprise, someone on cocaine boasting.

This is good news as I spent hours on Sunday trying to launch my #FrankieOff campaign on Twitter. I don't know what it is was about his big, smug, punchable face that bothered me but I just wasn't a fan.

A lot of people were saying that he couldn't dance, he couldn't sing, and he certainly couldn't brush his hair. None of that bothered me, but he made me want to punch my own telly, and that I didn't like. I know, it's my fault for not getting the extended warranty but when I bought the TV I didn't know I'd have to look at Frankie's rounded git-visage.

I don't know how he managed to stay in the competition. He was up against the might of my Twitter campaign. I even made T-shirts...

Here's what I'm wearing for tonight's #XFactor... on Twitpic
.

And 250 of these posters...



I guess that when he went out and pulled some drunken "should've-gone-to-Specavers" skank and gave them his number he actually gave them his vote line number. It's the only explanation, surely.

After getting sacked for doing cocaine Frankie apparently said, "I've blown it." Then he's been doing it all wrong.

He added, "I'll regret this the rest of my life." This from a man who had a tattoo on his bum of 7 woman he slept with. He'll regret that in later life. You wait till he gets married.

He has 7 names on there split between 2 cheeks, which obviously doesn't go. He has 3 on one side and 4 on the other. I'd love to take him out, get him drunk and get Barry tattooed in the spare space. Now that's something he'd regret.

>Read the source story
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08/11/2011

Call Of Duty: Modern Tube Fair

Call of DutyA computer game featuring terrorist attacks on the Tube had been launched.

On one hand that is sick. Should we really make entertainment out of such tragedy? What next? "The Sims: Fritzls"? "Frogger: M5 Edition"? It's wrong.

At the same time I realise Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 won't actually make more people become terrorists. I spent most of my university years playing Doom II. I didn't become a gun-toting maniac who can't jump. I didn't have the energy to go on a rampage. I didn't have the energy to go to lectures.

Some people worry that foreigners will use Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 as training for what to do when they get on the London Underground. If that is the case we should alter the rules of the game. To finish the level you have to go on an escalator STAND ON THE RIGHT OR KEEP MOVING IN THE LEFT!

>Read the source story
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05/11/2011

Justin Bieber Baby

Justin BieberIt's not been a good week for Justin Bieber. And bare in mind that at his age a week is a long time. It's quite a large slice of his life so far.

A fan has claimed she is pregnant with his baby. A Bieber baby. She says she got pregnant after a 30-second romp with him. Only 30 seconds? So that's why they call him Justin.

He has said that the claims are crazy and they she must be making it up. I'd do the same. I'd say, "30 seconds? What, like you had a clock? Besides, I'd been under a lot of pressure and work..."

The woman is question is 20-year-old Mariah Yeater. It was only a one-night stand and so far we don't know if she wanted more. Maybe she wanted to make it official between her and Justin... and adopt him!

She filed court papers stating her four-month-old son Tristyn was conceived after a 30-second romp with Justin – who was just 16 at the time – at a Los Angeles gig venue. Tristyn is a lovely name for someone who was made by a brief sexual encounter.

However, Justin is baffled by the accusations. I bet he is. At his age he'll be baffled by it all. "She says I put it where? But where's her willy? Don't girls have one? Then how do they wee?"

Justin has said: "I'd just like to say, basically, that none of those allegations are true. I know that I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim. It's crazy. Every night after the show I'm gone right from the stage right to the car, so it's crazy that some people want to make such false allegations."

It's tricky because her lawyers say they have credible evidence. It's probably her saying, "So Justin, what is it you put in my tummy after our sex?" And he says, "Baby, Baby, Baby!"

>Read the source story
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04/11/2011

The 99p Bra

Big news in the world of lingerie, (don't ask what I was Googling to find this story) as the 99s Store announces it is to start selling bras.

Ah, the 99p Store - for people who say, "Poundland? P*** off, I'm not made of money!"

The discount retailer has said it will start selling the cheap over the shoulder boulder holder in black, white and 'natural' colour. Or "eventually grey" as all of those colours can be called.

The 'silky, satin smooth feel' lingerie, mostly made from polyester, features a decorative bow at the front. Classy. All that's missing is a little pocket for the scratch cards.

In the newspaper they mentioned that this announcement comes days after US lingerie giant Victoria's Secret unveiled a £1.5million, diamond-studded bra to be worn by supermodel Miranda Kerr at its annual fashion show.

As if Victoria is facepalming saying, "What an idiot I am? I could've saved myself £1,499,999.01!"

I went into a 99p Store and, good news, they also sell plasters and first aid kits. You'd need to pick one of those up for yourself if you're buying a 99p bra for your missus as a Christmas present.

Go on, I dare you. And write on the card, "99p Store - because I'm worth it!"

>Read the source story
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03/11/2011

Andy Murray Suffers Tennis Bum

Andy Murrey hurts his bumFavourite headline of the day: Tennis star Andy Murray injures bum while sleeping.

Of course you did, Andy. We'll believe you. I don't know why he doesn't just admit it, he got drunk at a party, got all experimental... we've all done it.

He's had to pull out of a tennis tournament because of is bumcake-malady. I guess it's like when you pull a bit of skin by your thumbnail, you then notice how much you do with your hands. It's not till you have pulled your bum that you realise how much you do with it.

The British number one said: "Maybe I was sleeping in a bad position." Next to one of The Sisters from Shawshank Redemption?

I feel sorry for Murray though. Not because he's missing out on the next tournament, but because if this injury plays up again in the future how is he going to refer to it? If you have a weak knee you say you have a bum knee. If you have recurring elbow injury you say you have a bum elbow.

If Andy tries to use the same pattern they'll think he's doing a Basil Brush impression.

>Read the source story
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Bend It Like Sainsbury's

Sainsbury'sDavid Beckham is teaming up with Sainsbury's. Why not? His Armani underwear ads were blatantly plugging meat and two veg. And by the way, those ads David did were great, promoting Armani socks and pants – the pants he was wearing and the socks he'd shoved down the front.

The supermarket chain says the former England football captain will front its Active Kids campaign and promote its sponsorship of the 2012 Paralympics.

Oooh, hang on a minute. I know David talks a bit funny but I don't think he's eligible to enter the Paralympics. There are clear and precise rules about what makes your allowed to enter the Paralympics, and marrying a Spice Girl doesn't quite make it.

The announcement comes four months after celebrity chef Jamie Oliver said he would step down as the face of the supermarket after Christmas.

I like the idea of this campaign. Childhood obesity is a problem and we all have to do out bit. From now on taking candy from a baby shouldn't get the bad press is has in the past.

But Sainsbury's have lost someone who knows about healthy eating as they gain someone who knows about getting exercise. What they really need is someone who can do both, someone who is a famous chef but who used to play football to a near professional level. What they need for they Active Kids campaign is.... Gordon Ramsay. If nothing else he'd teach them some new words.
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02/11/2011

Hugh Grant Is The Daddy

Hugh GrantThe Daily Mail gives us day two of the Hugh Grant story. Let's bring you up to speed.

Yesterday we heard that Hugh Grant had become a father. That in itself should be big news. That means he actually had some sex. Anyone who umms an arhs like that, it's a miracle he ever gets any. "What, um, sex? Would I like some, erm, well, um, I think, erm the bigger question is, um, your limo back seat or mine?"

But it's the circumstances in which Hugh Grant gained his daddy status that make this interesting. He is not with the mother of the child any more but is said to be "thrilled" about becoming a father.

This is great. Is this like the opposite of those stories about woman who start to worry that they're getting old, go out and find a drunk man to get them pregnant? Did Hugh basically find himself and womb-donor? How very modern?

A source told the publication: "He's going to be a great dad!"

Really? When the kid throws up in the back of his car what can Hugh do? He hardly has the moral high ground when it comes to making messes on back seats.

Hugh's publicist said: "I can confirm that Hugh Grant is the delighted father of a baby girl. He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not be happier or more supportive."

Oh dear. 'Fleeting', "not planned". You know what that means. He had a one night stand and got unlucky.

And now we find out that his news partner is a 21-year-old burlesque dancer.

This is wonderful news because, give it a few months and we'll be in for the best Celebrity Jeremy Kyle Show ever.

>Read the source story
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Last Night's Twitcam Show

You may have just missed my first ever Twitcam show. It was fun and I didn't get my willy out even once, which is a win in my book.

But don't be sad that you missed it, for a little while you can watch it again online. Fast forward the first 11 mins as that was just the warm up, it's after 11 that the show starts.

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Carole Caplin's Cold Front

Today The Express is the gift that keeps on giving.

Firstly there's the headline: "Big Serbian Freeze To Hit Britain"

We get bad weather and The Express still manages to blame it on foreigners. It wasn't that long ago we had headline stories about the heatwave in the UK. It's almost as if the weather in the UK is changeable and we should just get over it, maybe? Nah.

But the paper also tells us: "Blair's Guru Wins Sex Claim Payout"

A sex claim payout? Sounds like a lottery just with fewer balls.

This is lifestyle guru Carole Caplin. She launched a bitter attack on the Daily Mail after it falsely claimed she was planning to expose the sex secrets of Tony Blair and his wife Cherie.

That's a shame. I was wondering what Tony Blair's sex life was like. I read his book, A Journey, but he didn't mention sex. For some reason he just went on about Iraq, and you can't confuse Tony Blair's sex life with Iraq. Ones hot and involves lots of oil and the other...

In an emotional statement, Ms Caplin said the idea of her cashing in on her special relationship as a lifestyle adviser to the couple was "offensive, damaging and wrong".

But we all wanted to know, because we're trashy like that. We want to know about the sex lives of others. And hey, Tony Blair became Catholic after becoming Prime Minister, so we could find out if he uses contraception, or does he just withdraw. If he does withdraw, he really can't confuse his sex life with Iraq.

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01/11/2011

Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber Adopted

I saw the headline that said "Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber have adopted" and I thought, "They're so young surely that sentence is missing the word 'been'."

But it's OK because when I read further into the story I found out that 'Biebmez' (probably not what they're called in the press) have shown their commitment to each other by adopted a husky-mix puppy.

Ah, that makes more sense. Of course they wouldn't have adopted a real baby. It's more likely they'd got a Tiny Tears. Or the doll that not only cried it also did a poo and pee in its nappy. We couldn't afford one of those when I was growing, so my folks got my sister a normal doll and just... actually, you don't want to hear the rest.

'Gomber' (still probably not right), visited D'Arcy's Animal Rescue Centre in Winnipeg, Canada and spent hours choosing their pet, who they've named Baylor.

Getting a pet together, in some ways, is even worse than having a baby together. When they split up, and let's be honest at their age it is when and not if, she'll get custody and he'll only get to take it to the zoo every other weekend. And have you ever taken a dog to a zoo? It's make the other animals go crazy. They'll break out of their cages and attack the dog and it's owner and... actually, it's a good plan. Forget I said anything.

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Carry On Camping.... at St Pauls

Good news: The Occupy London campaign has caused another resignation. Bad news: It was someone from the church again. For an anti-capitalist protest they seem to be ending the career of a lot of non-financial people.

Dean Graeme Knowles resigned (tut, how many first names does a man need) saying St Paul's Cathedral was "a national laughing stock". You know, like X Factor.

The Rt Rev Graeme Knowles, the Dean of St Paul's, stepped down after becoming ever more isolated in his bid to take legal action to evict the Occupy London activists. Rev Dr Giles Fraser and the Rt Rev Dr Richard Chartres, Bishop of London, also went.

They lost a bishop? Oh dear. If the Occupy London people can get one of their pawns Queened, it's all over.

The latest is that the protesters are being told they have to move their tents or face legal action. The City of London Corporation is expected to serve papers.

This is where we hit a roadblock. Of all the councils in the UK the only one was will be ignored by the anti-capitalists will be the one with "Corporation" in its name.

It was always a strange plan. How will upsetting St Paul's bring down the greed of capitalism? I doubt it would lead to a phone call that goes:

"Hi, Julian? It's Nathan. Yah. Look, I know how we're greedy bankers who are making loads of dosh off the back of others... Yah, I know, cool right? But listen, I was hearing that St Paul's has been put out a bit so I was thinking, maybe we should try communism."

>Read the source story
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