The Express has the headline, "Starving Britain". And to prove it they show us a picture of Kate Middleton. Yes, she is technically starving but only so she can look good in those outfits.They're saying that desperate families are facing a Dickensian Christmas with at least 100,000 Britons relying on food parcels because they can't afford to eat.
A Dickensian Christmas? As in A Christmas Carol? It can't be Great Expectations. Not at Christmas as an adult. It's just socks and aftershave.
But a Dickensian Christmas means you get to see ghosts and time-travel to back to your past and visit the future. That's totally worth eating some cheap beans for.
It seems odd that the Express says we're starving but just yesterday the Daily Mail said, "UK Women Are The Fattest". Maybe if we kept some of those women away from the food there'd be more left for the rest of us.
The newspaper says it has uncovered shocking cases of hunger and deprivation even among the middle classes in areas once considered affluent.
This is where the cracks start to show. I can believe this country has people who truly know poverty and hunger, but when the newspaper claims that member of the middle classes are, to use their words, "living hand to mouth", I have to assume that means they're at a buffet.
They use the example of a mother who ate paper towels to curb her appetite so she could feed her daughter.
But if she's middle class I bet she still bought the better quality brand of paper towel. That way, when someone asked if she was full she could say, "I've had Plenty."
Professor Philip James, former government advisor on nutrition, said: "The rate of malnutrition is reaching astonishing levels. Children are being denied fresh foods because families cannot afford to buy them."
And the Sunday Express helps this by giving away Jacob's Mint Club biscuits. They're full of vitamins, I'm sure.
Well, at least they're the mint ones. So at least the kids are eating some greens.
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