31/01/2012

The Sound That Kills Sperm

For years men have hated wearing condoms. Unless we wear them on our heads and blow them up by breathing out of our noses. Some men say having sex in a condom is like having a bath in your wellies. It's more like just dipping your toe in, in some of our cases.

Worry no longer men. Scientists have invented an ultrasound contraceptive. There's a sound that stops men making babies? I think I've heard it, it's anything by Enya, yeah?

Researchers at the University of North Carolina found two 15-minute doses of ultrasound on the nads drops sperm levels. From the sperms point of view it's probably like having really noisy neighbours.

This is a great breakthrough. If a woman wants to be sure she won't get pregnant all she has to do is set the ultrasound noise as her bloke's ringtone and call him when he has his phone in his pocket.

OK, he'll still feel it vibrate but that'll just get him in the mood for later.

And the other good thing about this is that it means men can have ultrasounds. At the moment it's just women who have ultrasounds when they're pregnant. Now we can get a print off from our bollock ultrasound and bore our friends and families by making them look at it, even though you can't make anything out. It's equality.

The same research is useful for couples trying to start a family. Ultrasound can kill off sperm so men, you have to stop putting bats down your pants.

Is that just me? OK, forget I said anything.

>Read the source story
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30/01/2012

RBS Heston Gives Bonus Back

Stephen HestonI woke today, saw the headline on the front of the i that said: "RBS boss bows to pressure and waves bonus."

Well, how is he meant to get buy on just his £1.2million basic salary? I know there's a recession on, but the dude's gotta eat.

And we should remember, he has been very successful as a boss of RBS. The Government said he managed to downsize RBS and thereby protect the tax payer from risk. So we should thank him for seeing the share prize drop.

And he oversaw the laying off of 4,000 people. He worked hard to make sure 4,000 people don't have a job to go to, and we thank him by taking away his bonus?

That's exactly what I'd expect to happen... in communism!

It's not like all these city types are greedy. RBS chairman Sir Philip Hampton gave up his £1.4million "golden hello" payout.

I'm not an expert in finance, which is why I don't know why they have these golden things; golden hello, golden handcuff, golden handshake. All I'm saying is, if ever you go round to their house, don't try the shower.

Some people say you shouldn't have "guaranteed bonuses" because they're an oxymoron. It's like having a guaranteed Christmas present. No, if you've been a knob all year you're on Santa's naughty list, deal with it.

But they're looking at it the wrong way round. We should feel sorry for the city bosses who have these "guaranteed bonuses" because I'll tell you one thing about a "guaranteed bonus", there's no surprise.

ACCOUNTANT: "Hey, Stephen. Guess what I've got for you."
STEPHEN: "Oooh, I don't know. What is it?"
ACCOUNTANT: "It's your bonus."
STEPHEN: "Oh."
ACCOUNTANT: "What's wrong?"
STEPHEN: "Nothing. It's just... anything else other than the bonus?"
ACCOUNTANT: "No, that's it."
STEPHEN: "Well, it's the thought that counts. I'm glad you put so much thought into it!"

>Read the source story
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29/01/2012

Vibrating Bum

Vibrating BumI always knew this happened. I knew I wasn't insane.

Experts have identified a new condition suffered by obsessive mobile phone users. Forget RSI or tennis thumb, people who use their mobiles too much are suffering from "phantom bum vibrations".

This is where you put your phone on vibrate, you think you can feel your phone ringing but when you put your hand in your pocket you realise your phone isn't even in your trousers. And you just need a poo.

Research carried out at the University of Worcester has found we're so obsessed with getting a call or text we imagine we can feel some vibrations. And well done for doing that research. I wouldn't want to be the one putting electrodes on someone's bottom muscles to monitor any actual tremors, but I'm glad someone's done it.

It's linked to stress. The more stressed you are the more likely you are to experience a fake trouser wobble. Well, it's better than a heart attack. In the old days if you were really stressed you'd clutch your chest. Now you just clutch your bum and say, "Oh, I thought I was ringing."

I have to admit, I have this condition. I often suffer form these phantom bum vibrations.

I say "suffer", I thoroughly enjoy them.

>Read the source story
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The Writing's On The Wall

Remember the good old days when graffiti was all Nosey Parker drawings and bad spelling? "Jez Woz Ere". I'm sure he was, but Jez wozn't in skool much, yeah?

Graffiti peaked in the days of Banksy. He has made millions from painting on walls. But these days it's cheaper to get some Polish bloke to do it.

Graffiti took a massive nose dive with the advent of people who think we give a crap about their family member's birthday. You can often see a bedsheet tied to a traffic roundabout proclaiming, "Happy 18th Claire."

Yeah, I'm glad you put that sheet there or everyone who doesn't care who you are wouldn't have known not to buy a gift for someone they don't know.

And now it's got even worse. A jilted boyfriend covered his home town in 'romantic' graffiti to try and get his girlfriend back. Great plan. Nothing makes a woman want you more like acting like a total stalker/nutter. If this plan doesn't get her back with you, maybe you should collection her rubbish bins and make a doll of her from her own hair and nail clippings.

He's written his little messages all over Weston-Super-Mare. One says, "Remember the good times we loved and miss". With that lack of punctuation and mixed tenses I think he went to skool wen Jez woz there.

In total he has left 16 of these badly drawn tags, saying things like, "We were the best."

Of course you were, because the best relationships often end up going through a phase were the only way they communicate is via public walls.

I'm sorry but it's time we stopped all this. If you want to say happy birthday or cry about an ex in a public arena, do the right thing, and sign up for Twitter instead.

>Read the source story
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28/01/2012

RBS (Ridiculous Bonus Society)

Costa Cruises, the company that owns the stricken Costa Concordia cruise ship, has offered passengers just £9,000 each in compensation. It covers lost belongings and the emotional distress.

So, if you were on the Costa Concordia as it struggled to stay afloat you get £9,000. If you were at RBS when it struggled to stay afloat you get £1,000,000.

Yes, Stephen Hester, the boss of the Royal Bank of Scotland, has caused some upset in the news for getting a £1m bonus. I don't actually mind the concept of rewarding failure; without it I wouldn't earn money doing stand-up.

Now he's facing pressure to give the money back. Have you ever known anyone linked to a bank to just give money back? No. These are people who send you a letter and charge you £15 for the privilege; he'll certainly think he deserves his money.

The Government says there's nothing they can do about it because Mr Hester had a contract and this bonus was in the terms of that contract. But RBS is effectively owned by the taxpayer now. That makes Stephen Hester a public sector worker, and we all know how much the Government likes to change the terms of those contracts even after they've been signed. If we can't take away his bonus can we at least bugger up his pension like we did with the teachers?

The share price of RBS has continued to go down but Stephen Hester is still going to get a performance related bonus of £963,000. If all they were looking for was someone who could ruin the share price they could've asked me. I can't even balance my cheque book, so I could've got some of that bonus action too.

Some people defended his bonus saying that he is worth that amount of money if that is what the market is willing to pay him. They compared the situation to a high paid footballer.

It is similar because footballers are paid too much, but if there was a team that got relegated, nearly ran out of money and then continued to make a loss, they wouldn't be paying for top players. They'd make do with some Sunday league types.

And how bad would a football team have to be before it needed a Government bail out?

Don't get me wrong, Stephen has a difficult job and he has done well to stop the bank from going under. But he gets a £1.2million salary for that. If the market says he's worth an extra million then he should get paid £2.2million. I'd rather people got the money in a salary than as a bonus. It's because you earn a salary but you win a bonus.

I'd rather someone thinks of themselves as an 'earner' than someone think of themselves as a 'winner', because that makes you sounds more like an utter dick.

One thing that has come out of this is a realisation that the taxpayers have ploughed billions into the Royal Bank of Scotland. So if the Scottish get independence, we're keeping the bank, OK? We've spent a lot of money on it. It's like being a bloke who renovated a house only to lose it in the divorce.

>Read the source story
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25/01/2012

Decriminalise Drugs

Sir Richard Branson spoke to the Home Affairs Select Committee saying we should decriminalise drugs.

He's a strange choice to head up this campaign. In his career he has managed to make a business out of everything, from records to planes, from make-up to banking, from weddings to broadband. So when he says we should relax the laws on drugs use it kind of sounds like he's planning his next company. Virgin Gear.

They'd start you off with a free trial and soon enough you'd be stealing to pay your Virgin Gear bills. Still, it would be cheaper than a Virgin Gym.

Sir Richard, who had been part of a global commission on drug policy, said he wouldn't sack someone if he found out they were on drugs. This from a man who used to employ Chris Evans on Virgin radio, so I think we can take his word for it.

As much as it seems like a joke, saying that Branson will start selling drugs, there's an interesting point. People say we should decriminalise drugs to stop the criminals selling them. But if you look at the legal world, most things are sold by big companies that take large profits from us and give little back. At the moment, the criminals who sell drugs don't pay tax. If the big business started making and selling drugs, their accountants would base it in Jersey or somewhere to make sure they don't pay tax either.

At the moment, the criminals who sell drugs are ruthless people who don't care about society. I can't see that changing if big business gets involved.

I suppose, if we have to pick a British entrepreneur to be in charge of selling drugs, we could do a lot worse than Sir Richard Branson. We could end up with James Dyson. Can you imagine how much cocaine you could do aided by his cyclone technology.

>Read the source story
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24/01/2012

Podcast 29 - Costa Concordia, The Royal Yacht, PIP Implants and Pregnant Angelina

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 29. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast:

We talk boats, from the Costa Concordia to gift ideas for Queens.
French PIP implants are in the news.
Is Angelina pregnant? And if she isn't, we know someone who is.
And who did a wee-wee in a salad?




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23/01/2012

Andrea McLean Is Ashamed

Andrea McLean Is AshamedIn the Mirror: "Loose Women's Andrea, My marriage is over ..I'm so ashamed."

I don't know about you but when I feel ashamed about something I like to tell a national newspaper about it.

If I feel slightly ashamed of something I hand out flyers in the street and if I'm only the smallest bit ashamed of something I've done I put a card in the Post Office window.

I don't get it. Why do we live in a world where as soon as you have something you should hide you put it out there to try and get some fame from it? If you have a drink problem and you row with the teenage mother of your child, do you try to keep a lid on it or do you take it all onto The Jeremy Kyle Show?

But the best example of this is the TV show Embarrassing Bodies. It's a show for people who have such minged up genitals that for years they have been too embarrassed to take it to their own GP. They couldn't bring themselves to drop their pants in a small private room in the back of a doctor's surgery. So what's their solution? They get their bits out on national TV. "Oh, I'm so ashamed of the state of my giblets. I couldn't possibly show you. What's that? You have a TV camera? In that case have a look at this angry thing."

So what have we learned today? Basically, it's a good job Andrea McLean doesn't have thrush or the front page of the Mirror would be terrible today.
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22/01/2012

Hitting The Nail In The Head

man shoots nail into his headYesterday we heard that Paul Daniels had chopped off some of his fingers. "Slight of hand" has never been so apt. But it's not just celebs who use power tools like a drunk Mr Bean.

A man in Chicago accidentally shot a 3.25-inch nail into his head without realising.

What? Surely he must've thought something was wrong when he walked away from the wall and the bookshelf came with him?

34-year-old Dante Autullo was in his workshop when a nail gun recoiled close to his head. He was unaware a nail had been fired into his brain until he began feeling sick the next day and his fiancée convinced him to go to hospital.

He was feeling ill? Well, it's not like he wasn't getting enough iron.

Doctors at Advocate Christ Medical Centre in Oak Lawn, Illinois, successfully removed the nail. His fiancée, Gail Glaenzer, said: "He feels good. He moved all his limbs, he's talking normal, he remembers everything."

He remembers everything? Are you sure he's a bloke? That's not what we're know for. Sounds like brain damage to me.

I don't remember everything, I don't always talk "normal" and I don't often feel good. So he's doing better than I am. Then again, I never shot myself in the brain with a nail gun, so it's swings and roundabouts.

He clearly is no good at DIY. He shot a nail into his head. Tut. He should've drilled a hole, put a rawlplug in and used a screw. If a job is worth doing...

>Read the source story
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21/01/2012

Paul Daniels Chops Off Fingers

File this under "Someone told me this at a gig and I totally didn't believe them till I got home at looked on the web". Paul Daniels has cut his fingers off. Talk about "now you see them, now you don't".

Paul managed to sever a finger and mangle the top of a second with a circular saw.

What he should've done is have his fingers in a little wooden box, so when he went through them with a circular saw he could've pulled them apart, showed us between the two halves and then put them pack together.

But this is a serious injury. Paul is a magician, he works with his hands. A magician losing a finger is like Frankie Cocozza having a blocked nose.

It said in the paper: "Speaking from his home in Berkshire yesterday..."

I assume they called him, not the other way round. Little buttons.

It went on: "...the master illusionist said he feared for his career but he was now on the road to recovery and a planned tour will, naturally, go ahead."

I feel sorry for him for I feel more sorry for Debbie McGee. When the guy sawing you in half only has eight fingers left, it's time to worry.

Surgeons battled to reattach the index finger but were unable to save half of the third finger. So he has a hand still... not a lot, but he has one.
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20/01/2012

The World Record Hug

HugsSome couples in London took part in a 24-hour "hug-a-thon" in the first in series of record attempts ahead of the Olympics.

That sounds like my idea of hell. A hug gets awkward after 3 seconds. I once suffered a social hug that lasted nearly 10 seconds. And if a hug ever gets near a minute a referee should step in and say "break".

A 24 hour hug must be like torture. There's a strong chance I would gnaw my own arms off at the shoulders like a coyote in a trap.

They met at St Pancras station at 7am. I feel sorry for anyone stood behind them waiting, thinking, "Jeeze, get a room. She's only going to the Midlands."

According to the Guinness World Record people they have to hug for 24 hours 34 minutes, must stay awake throughout but they can have people standing by in case they get an itch.

This is where it starts to annoy me because it's not fair. I love the idea of having someone ready to scratch me but I just couldn't have the hugging. In fact I'd need someone to help with the scratching after I'd gnawed my own arms off.

They brought in a hugging expert, Jean Smith, who said: "Hugs, like chocolate, produce oxytocin and a feeling of happiness." OK, where do I sign up for the 24 hours of chocolate then? Why does it have to be a hug?

You may have noticed, I'm not good at hugging. I don't handle intrusion into my personal space very well. I put it down to my upbringing. I'm northern so we couldn't afford hugs when I were a lad. Now, if someone insists on a hug I have to go to my "happy place". And remember, I'm northern, so even my happy place isn't that happy.

So I'm glad I am not taking part in the record attempt. If I managed to stay in a hug for 24 hours and 34 minutes we'd break the current record, and we'd celebrate. And you know what people do when they celebrate? They hug! I'm better off out of it.

>Read the source story
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19/01/2012

Crime Figures May Go Up As Well As Down

Crime figuresGood news, the number of crimes recorded by police fell by 4% to 4.1 million in the last year, figures have shown.

Really? Did the people working on these figures notice the riots last August? Or were they just not reported because everyone in Hackney and Croydon had their phones nicked?

It's not all good news. The number of robberies and thefts went up by 4%. That's according to the number of reported crimes. But the British Crime Survey, which looks at our perception of crime, showed "no statistically significant change".

We're getting robbed more, we just don't seem to notice it.

I suppose when you are getting ripped off by your energy supplier, fleeced when you fill up the car and food inflation robs you of what little you have left, it must be hard to notice any more thefts.

Chief Constable Jon Murphy, the lead for crime for the Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo), said the increase was "driven by a rise in robberies of personal property". Some say this is because of the economic problems. Unemployment and decreasing standards of living are pushing some people into crime. But I'm not worried about it in the long term, I'm an optimist. Crime levels will soon be coming down.

Yep, if this country keeps heading in the same direction pretty soon no one will have anything worth nicking.

>Read the source story
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18/01/2012

Past Times, Not What It Used To Be

There has been a lot of bad news on the high street recently. Peacocks have called in the administrators. La Senza has said they are closing down. The one thing I never understood about La Senza is, why did they have full length mirrors in the shop? Lots of clothes shops have these large mirrors in the actual store, not in the changing rooms, in case people want to see what they look like with an item on. But who is trying on bras and pants in the middle of a La Senza shop? No one, for the entire three hours I waited once.

The latest piece of retail trouble comes from Past Times. They have appointed administrators from KPMG to try to sell the business as a going concern.

I am amazed it took so long. If you don't know what Past Times stores were, they were a place where you could go to buy stuff that looked like it was old. Not new stuff that would be nice and new, or even old stuff that could have antique value. They sold new items that just looked like they were old and crappy.

It's a strange business model, the kind of thing the idiots on The Apprentice would could up with when trying to be clever. I never understood which niche in the market they were going for. If you wanted some old crap, just keep the old crap you already have.

The remaining 51 stores will continue to trade for now, although 30 people have been made redundant at its head office and another 37 at its warehouse.

So, while I still have the chance, I thought I'd have a look at the items they have on sale to see what life was like for those living in the "Times" of the "Past".

They sell A Guide to Senior Moments Flip Book (now £3). Is that the kind of purchase that helped us win the war? Or maybe it's the Danger Mouse Run For It Keyring (£2). Or how about the Downton Abbey Official 2012 Wall Calendar (now £3.99)? I'm sure people in the past would but a calendar for the year 2012 themed around a TV show that hadn't been on air yet. How very authentic.

On their website you can see that they sell a Thomas Crapper Giant Mug. I'm sorry but if you have the word Crapper being used I'll get put off my hot chocolate.

My favourite thing about the Thomas Crapper Giant Mug (£5) is that it's listed in the What's New section of the online store. What's New? You're called Past Times. That section should be empty.

>Read the source story
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17/01/2012

Cashpoint Thieves Are Feeling The Pinch

They say crime doesn't pay. What they probably mean is crime doesn't pay well, and here's the proof. Authorities say a determined gang of thieves spent six months digging a 100-foot tunnel into a Blockbuster store to steal a cash machine.

The police should've noticed something was suspicious because who goes into a Blockbusters these days?

It's in Levenshulme, England, where police found a tunnel, tools, electric lighting, bags of soil and a ventilation system, that took six months to build. Not only did they have to make the 100-foot tunnel, they also had to make their way thourgh more than 15 inches of concrete to get to the ATM. And what did they get away with? £6,000!

Six months to get £6,000, shared between a gang of them. You know the recession is bad when even criminals will take less than minimum wage.

The cash machine hadn't been filled up since the new year so it didn't have much cash in it.

If they're willing to build a tunnel for just 6-grand, when we catch them we should ask them to work on the new high speed rail project. We could dig through the Cotswolds for much less than the £17billion projected.

Detective Sergeant Ian Shore said: "I would ask that anyone who may have noticed anything unusual around this Blockbuster store, or who may have seen or heard anything they think might help us with our investigation, to get in touch."

I heard some blokes near that Blockbuster's crying and saying something about how it was a total waste of time. I just thought they'd rented the Cuba Gooding Jr version of "The Hit List".

>Read the source story
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See The Woman With 15 Kids!

Channel Four features a show about a woman who has 14 children and has another on the way. All she needs to do now is live in a shoe.

It's Sue Radford from Morecambe in Lancashire. She's expecting another child in just a few months, and doesn't rule out still more after that.

After recently watching One Born Every Minute I thought, "Wow. How could she go through the pain of labour 14 times?" But I suppose by now she barely feels it. It must be like the end of the Alton Tower's log flume. If you want to know how baby 15 will feel just drive through the Dartford Tunnel when it's raining.

It's an hour show, so they could probably show the labour in full. If she sneezed it could be sorted in 5 minutes.

Sue said: "It's usually when they're between six and 10 months I begin to think about having another one."

I'm like that with computer games. I get one, play with it for a bit and soon enough I start thinking about getting the next one, when I really should just enjoy the collection I have already built up.

Meanwhile, her husband Noel works 80-hour weeks in the family bakery to support their massive brood – no easy task when an average dinner runs to 18 pork chops and seven kilos of potatoes.

Although, at the same time on TV there's The Biggest Loser and it's on after The Fat Fighters, so it's a night of people who have 18 pork chops and seven kilos of potatoes for tea.

Sue is only 36, had her first child at 14 and therefore has spent virtually the whole of her adult life pregnant.

Tut. The things people will do to get a seat on public transport.

>Read the source story
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The Wikipedia Blackout

The Wikipedia BlackoutWe have lived through a lot of strikes in recent times. The teachers strike when some teachers went shopping, a postal strike when for one day we didn't have little red elastic bands dropped in our gardens and a journalist strike at the BBC which didn't really get in the news for obvious reasons. I can't help thinking they need a new plan.

But now there's a strike that will affect our daily lives in a deep and troubling way. Wikipedia is going on strike. The site co-founder Jimmy Wales said it will black out on Wednesday in protest of pending anti-piracy legislation.

But what am I supposed to do? What if I suddenly get the urge to know who invented the cankle, what is the chemical formula for farts, or what the hell the Alt Gr button does? We live in a world where we're used to being able to answer any pointless and trivial question. If you take that from us we'll go cold turkey.

And now I'm wondering, "Do they say going cold turkey because it makes you feel as bad as you do on Boxing Day after all that eating?" But I can't look it up now.

It's all because of anti-piracy bills in America. And by that they mean copying films and things. Anti-piracy bills in Somalia would be a more important thing. The central argument that the bills would help preserve jobs but that has been overshadowed by opponents' alarm that the legislation threatens the freedom of the Internet.

It's a difficult issue. Companies spend millions making a film only to see people on the web download it for free, which cuts into their profits. But on the other hand, some of those films are rubbish. Who in their right mind would pay any money to see the Cuba Gooding Jr version of "The Hit List"? I actually paid money in the cinema to see "The 41-Year-Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It" and I still cry at night sometimes.

The Stop Online Piracy Act is pending in the House Judiciary Committee, and the PROTECT IP Act is facing a floor vote in the Senate.

I don't really know what that means but I can't look it up on Wikipedia right now. What will I do?!?

Oh yeah, I'll just use Google's cashed version. Panic over.

>Read the source story
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16/01/2012

Do You Want To Buy The Queen A New Yacht

Front of the Guardian has the headline "Give Queen a new royal yacht for the jubilee, says minister." That headline under a picture of the Costa Concordia makes it look like the minister doesn't really like the Queen. "What, boats sink? Well, let's buy the Queen one."

And that is a shocking picture. But I can't be the only one who thinks that looks like a cigarette being stubbed out. It won't be long before local Giglio souvenir shops start knocking 'em out.

On the sunk cruise ship story, the bosses of the company have blamed the captain, saying he appeared "to have not followed standard Costa procedures". "Standard Costa procedures"? What's that, offering you a cake or muffin with every drink?

Rescued passengers also vented their anger on messageboards with one comment reading: "Captain is a coward!" There hasn't been this much hatred for a captain since John Terry.

But that is a truly sad story, so back to the Queen. It's Education Secretary Michael Gove who has written a letter to Cabinet colleagues calling for the Queen to be given a new royal yacht for the Diamond Jubilee.

You can always find the hidden meaning behind a gift. If someone buys you toiletries it implies you smell. If someone buys you a boat it implies, "get lost!"

It's likely to cost us £60million to buy her a yacht. Admittedly, that's about £1 each, so it's the same amount as you begrudgingly put in a whip round at working when it's for someone you don't really like. In fact that's what we should do, pay the £1 each but then just present her with a £60million voucher. You can't even spend that in the shops you like, you have to spend it in WH Smiths or wherever. It's the lack of thought that goes into the voucher that's worse than the amount.

In the letter, which has been sent to Jeremy Hunt, the culture secretary and minister overseeing the celebrations, and to the deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg, Gove at one point comes close to suggesting that Britain's dire economic climate means that a large-scale celebration is required to lift the country's spirits.

Surely we can have a large-scale celebration without having to buy someone a boat? It would be £60million coming out of the tax payers' money at a time when schools and hospitals are being shut. Plus, who knows how much tax payers' money would have to go on wrapping paper.

Just because she wants a boat doesn't mean we should buy her one. When I was a child I'd want the latest toy and my parents would point out that I didn't play with the ones they bought me before. I mention this because Her Majesty's Yacht Britannia is now permanently moored as an exhibition ship at Ocean Terminal, Leith, Edinburgh, Scotland.

She should start using that one again. We'd save £60million and when Scotland get their independence we won't have to have that awkward conversation about how the Queen would like her boat back please.

>Read the source story
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15/01/2012

No To Scottish Independence

There has been a lot of talk in the news about Scottish independence. Alex Salmond wants to have a referendum on independence, David Cameron wants him to have one, but Alex doesn't want to have it till 2014.

I agree. We shouldn't hold a Scottish independence referendum until after Andy Murray has finally won something. When we get a 'Brit' win Wimbledon you can do whatever you like.

I was always in favour of Scotland going its own way. They'll do well, we'll do well, and it technically means I'll be an international comedian the next time I do gigs at he Edinburgh festival. And the best thing about Scotland gaining independence is that we could finally stop having to hear all about Scottish independence.

David Cameron said he'd find a way to make this a legal referendum on independence. Alex Salmond said, "How dare you tell us that we can't legally have a referendum." David Cameron said, "I am saying you can legally have one, we'll help to make it happen." Alex Salmond said, "How dare you meddle in the politics of Scotland." David Cameron said: "Well, I am the Prime Minister of the UK, which still includes Scotland." And Alex Salmond shouted, "Freedom!"

Now, OK, most of that was loosely paraphrased but I think it captures the main points.

But I have been forced to change my mind. I can no longer endorse the separation of this great nation because I read that, if Scotland leave the UK, the Union Jack will lose its blue colour.

At the moment it's...



But without the blue bit from Scotland we'll be left with...



And that's rubbish. It looks like an airline logo. Without the mix of red, white and blue it's just not the same. For a start, if Geri Halliwell tries to wear a sexy but patriotic dress she'll look like Wally from Where's Wally.

If we see the end of the Union Jack I have some underpants that will start to look really dated.

If the blue and white St Andrew's Saltire is removed we'd be left with two red crosses, the St George's Cross of England and Ireland's Cross of St Patrick.

I suppose we should be fair and let the Welsh have the spare space. But that would give us...



I have to be honest, it's just more red. And now it looks more like a question on Catchphrase.

Contestant: "Is it Dragon Slides? Griffin eighths? Four monsters pens?"
Roy Walker: "It's good but it's not right."

We need something to break up the colour palette but if Scotland are so sure they don't want to be with us any more, what can we do about it?

Well, we can find another country that likes us, that might want to join us, and importantly, like Scotland, has banks that might need bailing out by us. And that's the answer, Greece. Because if we join up with Greece this would be the new flag...



Yeah, we could get used to that.

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14/01/2012

The 2012 Making Babies Olympics

Olympic BabiesExperts say Britain will experience a baby boom in 2013 because of the 2012 Olympics.

It's because of the beach volleyball, isn't it?

Apparently it will act as a "cultural aphrodisiac" along with the Diamond Jubilee.

I can see how watching the fit sweating bodies of athletes in peak condition could float your boat but I don't think wrinkly royalty will be a turn on. If you get sexually excited by old posh people you're probably Sir Bruce Forsyth's wife.

Maybe that's not how it works. Maybe with the non-stop TV coverage the Olympics and Jubilee people will get bored and have to make their own entertainment. I will say this, if you're bored watching the Olympics and decide to have sex instead, turn the sound off. No one needs to hear the proof that their romp was over before Usain Bolt had won the 100m.

Apparently we'll have more babies the more gold medals we win. That implies it'll be part of the celebration. You watch one of our athletes take gold and to celebrate you go have some sex. That's a bit cheeky. It's not like you put in any of the effort to win that medal and yet you use the win to get yourself some ass. It's like a modern day Cyrano de Bergerac story.

Ellis Cashmore, professor of culture at Staffordshire University, said: "It's the kind of situation where people will feel well disposed to each other in an affable if not amorous way."

Just because you're affable with someone doesn't mean you should try to have sex. See, I was paying attention on the sexual harassment in the workplace course I was forced to go on.

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Loss Of Ratings In Europe

As we can see from the front of the Guardian there's bad news in the European economy... just for a change.

It says: "France loses top credit rating as Friday 13th shakes Europe".

Yep, France's credit rating was AAA and now it's comme ci, comme ca.

What this means is, it is now officially a worse idea to lend France money than it was last week. I don't know why anyone thought it was a good idea to lend to them in the first place. A country that takes a four-hour dinnerhour doesn't seem to understand maths, let alone the work ethic.

France isn't the only country to suffer. A string of eurozone countries have had their credit ratings downgraded in a mass blitz by agency "Standard and Poor's".

It's a bit harsh having the word "poor" in the title of the agency that makes these judgements. It's rubbing their noses in it. It's like rebranding the Body Mass Index as the "Normal and Fatty-bum-bum's" scale.

France and Austria both now hold AA+ ratings, Spain will move down to an A rating, Slovakia goes to A, as does Malta and Slovenia finds itself on A+.

The scale basically goes AAA, AA and A. It sounds like two Scousers having a row.

There's a rung below too. Italy, formerly an A-rated country, holds a BBB+, Cyprus goes to BB+ and Portugal moves to BB.

So in full we have AAA, AA+, AA, A+, A, BBB+, BBB, BB+, BB, B+ and B. Someone tell these people there are a lot of letters left, you're not going to run out.

It wasn't that long ago that a senior French figure said that Britain should be downgraded before France because we have "as much debt, more inflation, less growth than us and…credit is slumping".

Yes France, we have inflation, we have little growth and we have slumping credit, but I'll tell you what else we have... a AAA credit rating.

Oh, and we have the Olympics!

Basically you shouldn't start picking on us to make your economy look better. It clearly hasn't worked, as they have been downgraded, and they're the ones who'll be left eating crow. And I bet they take four hours to do it.

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13/01/2012

Bond Made Nuclear Evil

Bond Made Nuclear EvilThe president of the Royal Society of Chemistry is blaming James Bond villains for giving nuclear power a bad name.

He may have a point. They've also not done much for the profile of shark tanks. And underground lairs. I tried to buy an underground lair once and it was a nightmare; everyone in the estate agents was looking at me like I was strange.

Prof David Phillips says that Dr No, with his personal nuclear reactor, helped to create a "remorselessly grim" reputation for atomic energy.

And yet Blofeld didn't damage the reputation of cats. A Bond baddie makes us think only crazy people have their own nuclear reactors, and yet having a cat seems fine. It's really not fair. I suppose we all assume Blofeld bought a cat to keep him company because he hadn't settled down and had kids.

Prof Phillips says that when nuclear power is discussed, "it is not at all surprising that the public at home and abroad are sceptical. Fossil fuels have to be eradicated for people to live in a healthy environment. Let's say yes to nuclear and no to Dr No's nonsense."

He makes a good point, but he didn't help his case by saying it after he spun round in a swivel chair.

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12/01/2012

The Woman With Two Foo-Foos

Woman with two vaginasA woman who has two vaginas was a guest on the TV show This Morning, making the male host of that show even less likely to live up to his name.

She's 27-year-old Hazel Jones and she was born with two fully-formed vaginas. Good luck keeping up with the Joneses in that way, ladies.

Hazel said it means she has lost her virginity twice. That almost seems a shame. Why not just lose it once and keep the second one for a special occasion? You know, like other people have a special bottle of champaign in the cellar. When the time is right you can crack it open.

It was on interesting interview. I haven't seen a TV brave enough to focus on two fannies since Jedward: Celebrity Wedding Planner (and that's the polite version). In the interview she said she was so at ease with her body that she goes to sex clubs with her husband. Hang on, he has two vaginas at home and he still goes out for more? The greedy git.

Apparently she was 18 before being diagnosed with "uterus didelphys" (double chuff syndrome), which occurs when a barrier between two tubes that form the uterus fails to break down during development, leaving two internal channels.

Hazel said she didn't realise she was different until her periods started at 14. She said: "I told friends. They looked even more confused than me."

I would've loved to have been there when she said to her friends, "My left fanny is really hurting today." They would've done a double-take, which is ironic as that's what Hazel can do too.

She went to hospital four years later to learn the truth. She added: "I thought it was amazing." Hazel added: "My quirky condition does not make me shy or hold me back. In fact, it's something I celebrate."

And I bet her husband loves it. He'll give it the thumbs up.

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Pants News

PantsAccording to a new survey, nearly a quarter of British men don't change their pants every day. So if you see four men together statistically one of them has smelly pants. It was Ringo wasn't it? Yep, always Ringo.

It seems disgusting but it all depends on how you spin it. When you stay in a hotel they have those signs asking you to reuse dirty towels and say it's to save the environment. So maybe these men might be reusing their pants to help stop global warming.

It's not just men. The same survey tells us that 5% of British woman get at least two days wear out of one pair of knickers. When Barry White sang "Don't go changing," he didn't mean undercrackers.

The research probes further to find out about the British and their cleaning habits. Apparently in married couples women do way more than their fair share of the cleaning. So by not wearing clean undies the blokes are actually just trying to help the missus.

It's a worry. For all you know you could be on public transport sat next to someone who has dirty pants on. Or ever worse, the person sat next to you has clean pants, so the person with dirty pants has had to stand. That means his pant-line is level with your eye-line. Come on world, we have enough to worry about with recession, war and Jedward without having the spectre of someone's bum musk heading into your nose.

I'd just like to say, for the record, that I fall into the majority here. I wear new pants every day. And I change half of my socks every day to. Just the ones I wear on my feet. The way I see it, the ones that just add bulge can go a bit longer.

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08/01/2012

999 Help! I Hate My Wife

It's serious, you know.I always love the stories you get in the news about the people who call 999 for stupid reasons. I know it's serious and risks lives, but I don't promote it happening, I just enjoy laughing at the type of idiots this nation is home to.

Last week the North West Ambulance Service revealed they'd received a number of unusual calls over Christmas, including one from a man asking for help to unblock his toilet on Christmas Eve.

What emergency service did he think he needed? It depends how big the offended turd was. If it was a small blockage he'd need the fire brigade. If it was really big the police. Or if it was massive, mountain rescue?

Other non-emergencies included a lady requesting an ambulance after a cotton bud got stuck in her ear. She's so stupid I bet she pushed it further into her ear when you used the phone to call 999.

There was a man saying he had toothache and another complaining of an itchy eye. And these are just the idiots we hear about; god knows how many people call 999 each year because their phone isn't working.

But the biggest idiot award goes to a man who called 999 because his wedding ring was stuck and he wanted to take it off to throw at his wife.

You've got to be fairly good at arguing to be able to take a break like that just before it peaks. "Right, that's it. I'm sick of you. I'll... just let me... OK, you wait there, I'm going to get help with this ring and then we'll see what I think of this marriage!"

He's clearly an idiot because who thinks the best way to teach your wife a lesson is to call up and get some burly firemen to pop round? Yeah, that'll show her.

And the lack of ingenuity is depressing. We live in a country filled with people as stupid as this guy who can't think of a solution other than calling 999. If you can't get your wedding ring off when you want to throw something, how about you throw something else? How about you nip down to Warren James and buy a spare to throw? Or just don't take it off and still throw it? Actually, don't do that, because that would effectively be slapping her. And then she'd be the first person in this whole news story with a good reason to call 999.

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07/01/2012

NHS Taking The PIPs

Fake BreastsThe NHS could bear the cost of removing breast implants for thousands of women, despite official guidance that they do not pose an immediate health risk.

It's coming at a bad time for the UK economy. Not only will this take taxpayer's money to fund the operations but it could also see many Babestation-style TV channels going off air and the subsequent loss to the exchequer. Have you ever seen some of the fake boobs on those stations? Some of them look like the old leather footballs they used to play with. I swear one woman has laces under hers.

It's the 'Poly Implant Prosthese' fake breasts, also known as PIPs, which paints a horribly mental image when you think of John Humphrys talking up to the PIPs on Radio 4. They have been made from substandard silicone and some of then have burst.

I think they really mean punctured. If they burst it sounds like you hear a pop and get hit on the back of the neck by some woman's nipple. The NHS would have to hand out goggles to the affected women's partners.

I suppose if the newspapers said that there's a risk the PIP fake breasts could get a puncture it doesn't sound as dramatic. And that conjures up an image of a woman dipping her boob in a washing up bowl full of water trying to find it.

France, Germany and the Czech Republic have all urged anyone with PIP implants to have them taken out, but the UK government last night said there was no evidence Britain should follow suit. We're getting good at using our veto.

It's a difficult issue. Should the NHS pay to remove something that hasn't been linked to cancer, potentially from women who might smoke, drink and use sunbeds?

But if you had the PIP implants inside you, how would you feel? You'd be terrified thinking that they could burst and release non-medical grade silicone into your body. You'd be frightened to put them under any pressure, you might even stop anyone from touching them.

And that is why the NHS needs to step up. It's for the greater good.

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06/01/2012

Diane Abbott's Twitter Trouble

Diane Abbott Divide And RuleMP Diane Abbott has had to apologise for a tweet. She said that "white people love playing divide and rule" and if you see the picture on this article, she's right. It's a spin-off from Call of Duty: Black Ops. It's Divide And Rule: White Ops.

Some Tory MPs have called for Abbott to resign from the shadow cabinet, and if she is proved to be racist, join the Conservatives. I'm kidding, of course Diane isn't racist. She said some of her best friends are white.

Twitter is a tricky place for politicians. Today Labour leader Ed Miliband tweeted about the sad passing of the great TV host Bob Holness. But Ed tweeted:

"Sad to hear that Bob Holness has died. A generation will remember him fondly from Blackbusters."

I hope that's a typo or was there a quiz show made by Central TV in the 80s based on the game Divide And Rule?

Diane seems to have kept her job but is still having to deal with the fall out of that tweet. Here's a video of what happened when the press asked her about it.



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Celebrity Big Brother 2012 Launch Review

Celebrity Big BrotherYes, it's still going on. It's like Ceefax. You remember seeing it on TV years ago but it comes as a surprise to hear it is still broadcast. It's Celebrity Big Brother.

It's not on Channel 4 any more, it's now on FIVE. It means there are subtle differences, like Brian Dowling (he's the new Davina - looks similar but doesn't go on about being a mum anywhere near as much) as the main presenter will say, "Housemates, you are live on Channel Five. Please swear, fart, get a boob out. Anything, we're desperate for ratings here."

Shows like this are often attacked by people saying that the 'celebrities' who go on it aren't really celebrities. Well this year the naysayers are proved wrong. They have Andrew Stone from some sort of reality show on subscription-only Sky. They have some twins who once had sex with an old man. Take that, naysayers.

There is a proper celebrity in there and it's quite depressing. You know the recession is a bad one when Hollywood actor Michael Madsen is going in the house. He was in Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill, even Scary Movie 4. I hope we find that in real life he is just like the characters he plays, and by that I mean I hope he goes on a killing spree.

Frankie Cocozza is also in the house. He was the guy who was thrown off of The X Factor for doing drugs. I hope they let the sniffer dogs give his luxury item the once over. Frankie already boasted that he'll be having sex in the house.

Another housemate is Welsh rugby player Gareth Thomas, who surprised the sporting world in 2009 when he came out as gay. He's the only reason I hope Frankie's boast gets proved right.

Former Coronation Street star Denise Welch is in as is former EastEnders star Natalie Cassidy. It'll be a battle of the soaps in there. And if Frankie ever tries to wash it'll be a battle the soaps will lose.

Irish model Georgia Salpa is in the house, or as the Geordie voiceover said: "Georgia is half Greek and half Irish." So, good with money.

Kirk Norcross from The Only Way Is Essex is there and footballer Ryan Giggs's sister-in-law Natasha. She slept with an in-law and now she gets on a TV show. That's not fair. I tried it once and I had to buy someone a house.

The twins I mentioned above are Playboy models Kristina and Karissa Shannon. In their intro they said they were Hugh Hefner's girlfriends. Some people were saying that the thought of them sleeping with an old man like Heff is disgusting. No it's not. The thought of them sleeping with him together is. They're twins. That's a type of sister. Eugh! In fact twins is worse than sisters. That's like incest squared.

I've probably forgotten some of the celebrities, but hey, that's showbiz.
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05/01/2012

Put The Toilet Lid Down

Put the toilet seat downResearchers have found that closing the toilet lid before you flush could prevent the norovirus from spreading.

Make sure you pay attention the wording. "Before you flush", not "before you use the toilet" because I'm fairly sure that would spread the bug more.

Scientists from the Leeds Teaching Hospitals NHS Trust found that leaving the lavatory lid up when you flush the toilet causes a cloud of bacteria to explode into the air and settle on nearby surfaces.

OMG. That's gross. That's it, I am never flushing the loo again. That'll be healthier, right?

The researchers tested a range of hospital toilets to see whether leaving the toilet seat up or down has any impact on the stomach bug spreading. They used a sterilised toilet and created a "diarrhoea effect" in it using stool samples deliberately infected with the superbug C. difficile.

Created a "diarrhoea effect"? Don't let these people take part on the TV show Changing Rooms.

Researchers found when the toilet lid was left open, the superbug was transported 10 inches above and on the toilet seat.

If you spend your time with your face 10 inches away from a flushing toilet you're a perv and you deserve all the C. difficile you get.

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04/01/2012

New Hybrid Shark Discovered

hybrid sharkScientists say they have found the world's first hybrid sharks in waters off Australia.

So it's partially powered by electric? Interesting. That's good for the environment but not so good for the shark, because it lives in water and we all know what happens when you drop something electrical into water. It's going to look like a lot of salt water fish have been committing suicide.

The actual findings are that a new type of shark - a cross between a the common blacktip shark and the Australian blacktip shark - has been discovered. Scientists say inter-breeding is a sign the animals are adapting to climate change.

That's the bigger worry about this news story. Are they saying that with slightly different weather you start to find closely related animals sexually attractive. The common and Australian blacktip split in the evolutionary ladder quite recently, but if the climate continues to change you could find yourself in a zoo thinking, "Look at the arse on that chimp! I'd buy her some PG Tips."

Scientists say the new hybrid shark could be even stronger than its two ancestors. Come on, let's get some perspective. All that's happened here is that the Australian one has had sex with a common one. We've all done that.

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03/01/2012

Son For Sale

Son for saleThis is a truly shocking story. A Saudi man has put his son up for sale on Facebook.

OMG! Really? Facebook? Hasn't this guy ever heard of eBay? He's as bad as people who use hastags in texts.

Saud bin Nasser Al Shahry is offering a son (one careful owner) for $20million. It seems a little heartless and uncaring until you look at that figure again. He values his son at $20million. Do you have someone in your life who'd value you at that price? I asked and the most any of my friends would ask for for me is about £10 with room to haggle?

He's doing it because the family is facing poverty, he's not just trying to free up some space and make a little cash on the side. But it could be the start of a worrying trend. Sure, it starts with a news story like this and the next thing you know you'll see Carol Vorderman doing "Cash For Sons" adverts on daytime TV.

According to 'Al Sharq' newspaper, Saud bin Nasser Al Shahry took the extreme step when his business of collecting debts and settling disputes had to be shut down following a court ruling. And that's a difficult business to shut down. People get in touch saying you still own them money but you can't settle that debt under the terms of the bankruptcy.

So he decided the only way forward was to sell his son. His only condition for the 'sale' is to know the city where the buyer resides. So people in Coventry, bad luck.

It's difficult to be judgemental because, while it is a cruel thing do to to the son, he's doing it to help the rest of his family. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. (That's one of two things I learned from years of watching Star Trek. That and never beam down if it's your first day as a red shirt.)

And actually there are a lot of people having new sons all the time. Isn't it more eco-friendly to have a second-hand one? Do you know how many sons end up in landfill every year? None, but I was making a point.

But I'm not going to defend his actions for three reasons.
1) It is wrong to sell humans.
2) You should treat every member of your family with respect.
3) I have a birthday coming up soon. I really don't want anyone reading this thinking it's a gift hint by me.

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Russell's Brand New Start After Perry

Russell Brand plans to move back to Britain to get over his split from Katy Perry. Yes, nothing takes your mind off your depression like cold weather and a recession. And the great thing about being in the UK is that Russell will only have his divorce covered in all the tabloids, so that'll really help him get some time to himself.

It's such a shame because those two had a lot in common. They were both famous for kissing girls and liking it. But apparently they split up because of a sexual issue. The Daily Star is saying that it was Russell that did the dumping.

Heck, if I married someone who was into that I'd leave them too.

Oh, they mean it was Russell who left Katy because, as they put it, "he had to endure a sex ban while Katy was on tour".

Hang on, you're saying he had to go without sex when he wife was away? The poor bloke. I'm sure Amnesty International would've stepped in if they knew.

What did he think his wife could do about this situation? Have sex with him from a different country? Even if he is remarkably well endowed I doubt he'd reach.

He moaned because he didn't get sex while he wife was away. Most husbands don't get sex when their wife is at home. At least when his wife was away he could put MTV on and see her nearly naked.

The paper says they also disagreed about starting a family; he was keen to start but she wanted to focus on her career.

He was complaining about not having sex but also wanted to have kids. Doesn't he know that sex B.C. (Before Children) and sex A.D. (After Children - when you're so tired you can't spell properly) is very different. During sex B.C. if you see a small face at the end of the bed, asking what you are doing, you invite them to join in. It's your flat mate. During sex A.D... well, no one knows. Even top scientists can't research something that happens so infrequently. They know more about Halley's comment than sex after kids.

Having children is your way of telling the world, "OK, I've had enough fun now. So, for the next two decades I will pour all my time and money into making a person who might just grow up to hate me. in fact we'd better have a large family just to increase the odds that at least one of them won't be a shit."

The amount of sex they were having was always a problem. Just five months into their marriage, Russell was quoted as saying: "I can't believe I used to have sex 20 times a week. I'm a very good gardener now."

At first it's not easy to see how gardening can be a good replacement for sex, but you get to use your dibber, plant some seed, and sometimes you get your hands on a hoe.

If gardening is the antidote to sex can you imagine what Charlie Dimmock would've been like in a different job?

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