28/02/2012

Pete Doherty's Blood's On Show

In the past I haven't been the biggest fan of Pete Doherty but now I am going to promote his latest artistic venture. An exhibition has opened displaying artwork painted using his blood. This art is amazing, beautiful and is a must for every home.

I say that because if there's a big demand for art made of his blood it might just drain him dry and finish him off.

I know he doesn't look like he's very well organised but you'd think that if you wanted to try painting you'd remember to get some paint. How lazy must you be to think, "Nah, I won't go to Hobbycraft, I'll just use my blood."

Still, it could've been worse. It's a braver man than me that sniffs any of his partings that are coloured in brown.

The former Libertines singer squirts his own blood onto a canvas with a syringe (I wonder where he gets one of those from) in a technique he describes as 'arterial splatter'. And these pieces of art are selling for up to to £8,000. I'm not surprised they're expensive, they contain his blood, which means they must have a few grams worth of coke in it.

The only trouble with a whole exhibition of this blood art is that after a while it will get a bit samey. It's red blood on canvas, red blood on canvas... That's why he should collaborate with a member of the royal family, and get a different colour in there.

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26/02/2012

Transsexual Steals From Katie Price

Which one is Katie PriceA transsexual Katie Price fan, Kerry Marshall, has admitted duping bank staff into handing over money from the glamour model's account after stealing her identity.

This is really bad news for Katie Price. I don't mean financially, I'm sure she can afford the loss. But if a man dressed as a woman goes into the bank and the bank staff think, "Hmm, looks like a bloke but with make-up on. Yeah, that must be Katie Price," it's time to have a make-over.

The 18 year-old, who was born a man but now lives as a woman, disguised herself with a blonde wig and sun glasses in a bid to deceive staff at the HSBC bank in Sleaford, Lincs.

Well, I didn't realise this was in Sleaford. No wonder the bankers didn't bat an eyelid. I'm sure all the celebs bank in Sleaford. Sleaford would have its own Hollywood-style sign if it wasn't for the fact there aren't any hills to put it on in Lincolnshire.

Marshall also reported Katie Price's bank card as stolen and persuaded HSBC to arrange for a replacement to be collected from the Sleaford branch. She then went on a week long spending spree including purchasing a Mazda MX 5 sports car for £9,000, a Pandora bracelet for £600 as well as £400 of good bought from the internet.

Marshall gets a credit card and immediately runs out and buys loads of things with it. That man really is living as a woman these days.

Marshall admitted at Lincoln Crown Court six charges of fraud between 27 September and 4 October 2011. She was given a two year community order with an 18 month mental health treatment requirement.

I'm glad she's getting the mental health treatment she needs. I mean, who in their right mind would be a Jordan fan? #teamAndre

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25/02/2012

Do You Have Toasted Skin Syndrome

Here's a worrying medical story. More and more people are being diagnosed with "toasted skin syndrome". And it's the bad kind of toasted, not the one where people raise a glass and say, "Ladies and gentlemen... to skin!"

There has been an increase in the number of people with burns to the thighs and bottom and it's all because of the recent cold snap. People cranked the seat heaters in their cars up so high they cooked their own bums. Two reports in the Archives of Dermatology describe rashes on legs that erupt by pressing against warmed-up seats for prolonged periods of time. The technical term is Erythema ab igne.

I know it was cold the other week but if you're sat there and you notice the smell of burning bumhole, you'd think you'd check yourself. Maybe it's like frogs. If you put a frog in boiling water it will jump out but if you put it in cold water and heat it up, it will just sit there till it cooks. So, if you sit on a hot seat you'd stand up again, but if you sit on a normal seat and turn the heater on you just sit there while your bumcakes bake.

Toasted skin syndrome might be ugly, but it's not serious. The doctors say all you need to do is avoid putting your seat heater on too high and you will eventually heal, but it can take a while for any burn marks to go. That's a worry, because until you have fully healed, if someone sees your bottom, they'll think you'd been a liar liar.

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24/02/2012

MP Eric Joyce, Political Heavyweight

This is a shocking news story. MP Eric Joyce has been charged with three counts of common assault after an alleged fight in a House of Commons bar.

It's shocking because MPs aren't the kind of people who normally get involved in fights. But then you read on and find out that Eric Joyce is the MP for Falkirk. Oooooh. Yep, he's not helping the Scottish stereotype by having a scrap. And then you remember where this all happened. In a bar. Also not helping the Scottish stereotype.

He punched a Tory, which I was surprised to find is actually illegal. I thought there was a by-law that lets you punch them, like the one about pregnant women being able to pee in policemen's helmets. In fact, if you combine those two laws we'd have something worth watching. "She's desperate Boris, and your hair looks absorbent."

We don't know the details of what set Eric off. There are reports that he's having trouble with his marriage and other reports say David Haye was there stirring it up.

Eric was also suspended by the Labour Party, but do you know what, I think he's the first person to make politics exciting to the young voters. It's added some much needed drama. A lot of people think what goes off in the House of Commons is all that "ayes to the right, nos to the left" business.

Now it's "eyes to the right, nose to the left", and that's just the other guy's face.

>Read the source story
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23/02/2012

Would You Eat A Test-Tube Burger?

Test Tube BurgerScientists are going to make a burger from stem cells. I hope those stem cells weren't going to be used to cure someone's Parkinson's. "Are you going to be finished that cure, because I'm famished?"

The "test-tube burger" will be the first beef patty ever created in the laboratory and it will cost £207,535. Over 200-grand for a burger. I know food inflation has been a problem, but come on. And for that money I'm assuming it comes with fries.

It raises an interesting ethical issue, would a vegetarian eat it? It's meat, but it's not made from a real animal. Although I get the feeling the same could be said for the "meat" dish in my local takeaway. They just call it "meat" on the menu. If you can't even pin point the genus or species, I'm not putting it in my mouth.

What I like about this story is that it shows the true nature of mankind. When we first heard about stem cell research people campaigned saying, "With technology like this we'll end up playing God." Nope, we end up making ourselves a sandwich.

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Dolphins Are People Too

Clever DolphinsThere's a new political movement to give dolphins and whales the same rights as humans because they're so intelligent.

If intelligence was the only thing that makes your a person the people you see on The Jeremy Kyle Show could be turned into tinned food.

Experts at the annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science said cetaceans — dolphins, porpoises and whales — should get the same status as us humans.

"Whales and dolphins should have legal rights," said the Guardian. "Dolphins should be recognised as non-human persons," said The Telegraph. And "Dolphins to claim benefits and get free house," said The Daily Mail.

They presented a Declaration of Rights for Cetaceans. But they should realise, even the international declaration of human rights means nothing. Sure, they won't be able to torture dolphins if they are captured as prisoners of war, but American will still capture them and send them to Guantanamo Bay.

Although, good luck to the Americans if they do that. You'll be there all day if you try to waterboard a dolphin.

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22/02/2012

GPs Cheat With Ghost Patients

The front of the Daily Mail says: GPs Make £162m Out of 'Ghost Patients'.

Well that's a con. What can a doctor do for a ghost? They're already pretty dead. Prescribing antibiotics is kind of locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

And if you're a doctor how do you treat a ghost? Tell them to open their mouths and say, "Aaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh!" (imagine that with some reverb too.)

But it happens. While some of the 'ghost' patients have just moved away from the area yet stayed on the books, some others have actually died. We're paying doctors on the NHS to give healthcare to dead people.

The doctors still get £100 for each dead patient even though they don't actually go to see the doctor. That's a shame. If more dead people went for a check up the waiting rooms would be enjoyable quieter. But the smell would stay the same.

And if they went for tests it would really lower the average results. "Oh, I have an above average lung capacity, do I doctor? Because I can breathe? Interesting." Although it would make me even more above average weight.

We have to sort this. We simply cannot have a system where doctors get paid for dead people, because do you know who's responsible for making a lot of them...

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Taken For A Ride - The M25 Tour

The M25 tourI hate tourists. Well, I hated the film based on one. But sometimes I feel sorry for them. They get charged extra, they get sold utter rubbish and they get death threats in London just for standing on the left of an escalator.

Now the plight of the tourist has hit a new high. A company is selling a coach tour of the M25 orbital motorway. The tourists are paying good money to sit for hours on the M25 in a coach. You can get the same experience if you buy a coach trip to anywhere that involves driving on a coach.

I suppose, in these troubled times it could be value for money. They say it's a 4-hour sight-seeing tour of the M25, but most days it'll take a lot longer than that to drive round the M25.

Trip organiser Simon Ashcroft said: "The only reason people hate the M25 is because they don't embrace it. They don't give it enough time."

Don't give it enough time? I've wasted hours of my life sat in the roadworks between J22 and J16. I've queued up for so long in the "average speed camera" stretch that I worked out I could hit light speed from J17 to J16 and it still would push my average over 50mph.

Simon Ashcroft also said: "We have found out some amazing facts. At the Bell Common tunnel there is a cricket pitch on top of the motorway. But you cannot actually see it." Not really getting the idea of a sight-seeing tour.

But well done to the company. If they can get tourists to part with their money for a drive on a motorway they're going to be rich. I want in on this action. That's why I'm opening up my own money-spinning tourist-exploiting business - The British Queuing Museum, just line up here to buy your ticket...

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Nomophobia

Have you ever heard of "nomophobia"? I know, it sounds like a fear of kids these days finding things tasty. They always say "nom nom". What was wrong with "yum yum," like in the good old days?

Nomophobia is actually a new condition that's affecting more and more people. It's the fear of being without a mobile phone.

Forget nomophobia, it's more like nomophonia... because you have no mo phone and.. ah, forget it.

Symptoms include losing your cool when you don't have reception. It's an acute feeling. Unless you're on T-mobile when it's more of a chronic condition.

We've all suffered it. You leave the house and realise that you have left your mobile at home. All the time you're out your worrying about all the people who will be trying to reach you, all the texts that will be beeping, all the voicemails piling up. And then you get home and find "No missed calls". You don't notice that you're not popular minute by minute but when you store it all up for the end of the day it's a right kick in the teeth.

Two thirds of those surveyed said they were afraid of losing their phones, with women 9% more likely to have the fear. Maybe they just feel the fear more often because for the first 10 seconds of looking in her handbag she thinks she's lost her phone.

I saw a woman franticly searching for her mobile in her bag saying, "I lost it. Oh god, I've losyt it. I've lost my phone!" While it was ringing!

Phobia therapists suggest treatments such as going phoneless for a while. Or use your phone as soon as you get out of a tube station. You'll be phoneless before you realise.

>Read the source story
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21/02/2012

UK Water Shortage

Drought in the UKWe could be getting hosepipe bans in Britain soon. Now, before you panic too much, they only ban you from using a hosepipe with water. You can still beat whoever you have chained up in the cellar.

Yes, we're facing the worst drought since 1976. Darn it. If only all that snow that covered the entire nation was made from water or something.

Environment Secretary Caroline Spelman said that after two dry winters, South-east England is officially in a drought. We're amazing. We get rained on and drizzled on all the time and yet we manage to have a drought. It's like when you hear about those fat people who don't eat vegetables, so they're massive but still suffer from malnutrition. We're a rainy island having a drought. We're suffering from early-Pauline Quirke style irony.

East Anglia has been in the grip of a drought since last autumn. Next month the Environment Agency is to name more areas under threat.

Let me guess. Areas in the UK that are probably suffering drought will include Birmingham, the Lake District and the North Sea.

I don't really mind the hosepipe ban, I rarely water anything, and I don't mind the ban on sprinklers, as long as that doesn't include ones that put out fires in big buildings if that's where I'm working. What will be annoying is the advice on how to save water we'll have crammed down out necks in the coming months.

They'll have us sharing baths with neighbours, only flushing it if there's flies on it and drinking orange cordial neat from the bottle. And after all the advice from the water companies on the news, they'll go to the travel update and we'll hear about some road closed because of a burst water main.

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20/02/2012

Dereck Chisora vs David Haye

The Star goes with the story of the boxers David Haye and Dereck Chisora who got into a post- match brawl.

What? Two fighters, who made a career out of hitting people, work out all the time and are probably more full of testosterone than the average bollock, these fighters... got into a fight! Hold the front page!

Oh, that's right, no need to, because this story actually got onto the front page.

Here's what happened. Chisora lost a heavyweight title bout to Ukrainian Vitali Klitschko. After there was a press conference where he and Haye got into it. As it said in the paper: "Former champion Haye first traded insults with Chisora at a press conference. But minutes later their goading had turned into a chaotic and bloody free-for-all."

Another surprise. They war of words didn't last long. I'd assume that's due to a lack of ammunition.

During a press conference, Chisora said Haye was "an embarrassment" in front of the media, adding "How's your toe?". He said that because Haye's defeat at the hands of younger Klitschko brother Wladimir last year was blamed on injured toe.

Breaking a toe is a serious thing for a boxer. It stops them counting to twenty for a start.

Haye then called Chisora a "loser". To which Chisora shouted, "tell that to my face", not understanding that his face was already in the room, so that's what Haye had just done.

Chisora then waded into the crowd and the pair went head to head. An ugly scrap broke out in which Haye appeared to swing his right hand, which was holding a bottle. It was a bottle of orange juice though. Legal experts say Haye could get some prison time for fighting with a dangerous weapon.

Was it even glass, or is it considered dangerous because it might be Sunny Delight?

Film footage appears to show Chisora emerging from the melee brandishing a glass bottle, and he said he was going to "physically shoot David Haye". So, he's not an expert in using a bottle, but he's getting there.

And the latest twist is that David Haye is now on the run from German police. Police quizzed Chisora but it looks like Haye has already headed back to the UK. Last night the British Boxing Board of Control was set to launch an investigation into the incident.

Good, they need to sort this out. As many have been saying, this act of violence has besmirched the good reputation of beating people up for a living.

>Read the source story
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19/02/2012

Dog Gets Credit Card

Most days there's a news story that makes me feel poor. We hear of some bankers getting a bonus of more than I'll ever earn, or we hear that petrol prices are going up, which really makes my arson hobby expensive. But today there's a news story that makes me feel so poor I want to cry.

Kelly Sloan received a letter saying that his dog, Spark, could be eligible for a $30,000 limit credit card.

That dog can get better finance than I can. They think his dog is more likely to repay a loan than I am. I feel like Greece right now.

And to make things worse, the dog has been dead for the last 10 years. So it's not like Spark has been borrowing and repaying for the last decade the build up a good credit rating. It's been buried in the back garden and yet still has better credentials than I have.

The letter read: "We're not offering our low long-term rate to just anyone." That's true. In fact, you're not offering it to anyone at all. You're offering it to a dog.

Don't give a dog a credit card. It'll only use it to buy Acme products in a bid to catch a cat or something. And if you do give a credit card to a dog, don't give it to a normal dog. Give it to a guide dog or a police sniffer. At least they're working dogs. It's credit to the non-working that caused this recession in the first place.

I'll tell you whose fault this is, Harry Redknapp. During his court case we heard that he had thousands paid into a bank account in his dead dog's name. Now banks are thinking dead dogs are the new market.

The dog's owner, Mr Sloan, said: "They've got the right name, the right address, and it's a heck of a deal. She can apply online today, and I guess, get her card."

Spark was a female? And they're just giving her a credit card? I made that mistake once. Still paying it off now.

>Read the source story
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18/02/2012

Adele's Sex Tape

Adele's sex tapeOn the Star we read, "Adele: My Sex Tape Horror".

I know it's not but I like to imagine 'sex tape' is like 'tit tape' just for lower down. In case anyone ever invents the flowing, loose mini skirt, sex tape could hold it all in place.

Throughout the years many celebs have had sex tapes. Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Ann Widdecombe. OK, that last one was actually CGI. I had some time on my hands.

Now Adele is to sue a French magazine after it published fake photos it claimed came from her sex tape.

It's obviously not real. She's just had throat surgery, remember. She was told to rest it. I'm sure that doing that counts as taking solids.

The magazine claimed the stills came from footage taken on a smartphone. That's the trouble with sex tapes these days, they're just done on phones. At least Pamela used a camcorder. And Paris had a night-vision for some reason. It was like a security tape of a fox going through the bins.

Adele's lawyers have said: "Our client has not appeared in a sex tape as claimed in the article. Our client does not appear in the photographs."

I totally believe her, because look at the options. Maybe she filmed the sex tape. But we should remember, she went to the Brit School in Croydon. She was taught about multimedia things. I'm sure she'd use a mini DV camera and edit it on a Mac.

Or it was her bloke's sex tape and she didn't realise he was filming it. That makes sense if it's a hidden camera, but it was filmed on a phone. If someone gets their smartphone out during sex you'd at least think, "This is an odd time to be tweeting. What's he writing? 'I'm rolling in her deep. LOL'?"

The more likely option is that it's not her on the tape. But this whole thing can't be nice for Adele. Remember, her entire career so far has been based on a failed relationship and about how she can't find a man. And then she finds out that someone who looks just like her managed to get some sex, and there's video evidence of it. Basically, what that's telling Adele is, it must be your personality love.

Don't worry Adele, we know it's not you in the sex tape, but it is "Someone Like You", which seems ironic.

>Read the source story
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16/02/2012

Goats Have Accents Too

Scientists have found that goats have accents. Which explains why there's never been a successful goat judge on the American X Factor.

According to a recent study by Queen Mary University of London (tut, we can't even blame American scientists for this) goats acquire different "accents" depending on where they're put to pasture.

So they don't even have to be born in that area to pick up the accent? Ah, they're putting it on. It's like if you go to a posh party, you put on a fancy accent to blend in. Or when you see people on council estates being interviewed on the news. It's like they're making up for a lifetime of dropping Hs by using them all up when they're on the telly.

And if you know you're being listened to by academics from a London University you'd make an effort. Basically these goats are doing their telephone voice.

Researchers found that as the goats grew older and moved with different herds, their voices changed to adopt the specific call of their new herd. They're doing it to blend in and try to be popular. It's like Mark Watson pretending to be Welsh to launch his career.

Before this study, it was believed that only a few types of mammals, such as humans, elephants, and dolphins, were able to develop new accents. And let's be honest, not all humans can develop new accents. If they could I'm sure Birmingham would sound a lot different by now.

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Half-Human, Half-Sheep

A sheep has allegedly given birth to a "half-sheep half-human" baby in Sokoto, Nigeria.

Half-sheep half-human? Dude, that shepherd is going to jail!

A local newspaper reported that after vets delivered the odd-looking lamb at Fakon Idi Veterinary Clinic on 22 January, thousands of curious onlookers were drawn to the clinic.

You'd want to have a look if you knew it was nearby. If something looks a bit freak you have to check it out, which is why we watch the Jeremy Kyle Show every day. Sadly where I live the closest thing to a part-man part-sheet creature is me in a jumper.

Nigerian Security and Civil Defence Corps (NCDSC) had to step in to disperse the crowd, who were demanding the owner of the sheep to identify himself.

I'd look for the guy with a red paint mark on his stomach. That's how they tell which sheep have been mated with.

However "mutant" looking lambs have been birthed before, notably in Turkey, when a sheep was helped by vets deliver a baby with a head that appeared to have human features. Although the lamb remained alive for some hours, spooked locals eventually slaughtered the animal.

So basically it looks like sheep are on the edge of a breakthrough in evolution to become like us humans. In fact they may already be here but they are too shy to come forward. Yep, they're probably a little bit sheepish.

>Read the source story
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14/02/2012

Podcast 30 - Capello vs Redknapp, The Cold & Pizza Addiction

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 30. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast:

The England Football saga with Fabio Capello, Harry Redknapp and some racism. (@01:35)
The UK was plunged into an ice age, and it's coming back. (@07:58)
Do you have pizza addiction? (@12:49)





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13/02/2012

Solution To The Organ Donor Problem

Organ Donor ShortageOn the Guardian: "Doctors' radical plan to tackle organ shortage"

OK, there has been a bit of an organ shortage, but in my defence, it's been cold and these shorts aren't flattering and...

Oh, they don't mean me. They mean organs for transplants. A BMA report has revived the debate about how far doctors should go to help save the lives of patients with organ failure.

At the moment you have to opt in to be an organ donor. There's talk of having an opt out system in Wales. I don't know why we're starting it in Wales. Are we going to use them as a source or organs for the rest of the UK? That's one way to make sure the 51% of people in England don't want you to leave the kingdom, like they do with Scotland.

It makes sense. Instead of only being able to use organs from the few who opt in, or having to rush a grieving relative to make a decision, you could check to see if they opted out, and if not, get down to saving a life.

Some people are against the new system. And you say to them, "Well, opt out then." And they say, "I don't like the presumption that we should be organ donors." And you say, "Oh, I'm sorry. We were trying to help people who are actually dying but we didn't realise you didn't like the hint! Oh, we'll stop it all and rob others of a chance at life just so you don't feel slightly put out."

There's also a plan to keep patients alive till their organs have been used. A sad fact about the human body is that as a soon as you die things start to go off. I have to be honest, I'm in my thirties and some things look like they've hit their sell by date already, but it gets worse on death.

I didn't realise this, because I'm not a doctor/don't watch Holby City, but when someone dies in hospital they are sometimes kept on ventilation till the family can say their goodbyes. But the ventilation is turned off after and the useful bits start to perish. At the moment they can't leave the ventilation on to keep the organs usable till the transplant can be sorted. Why? Are we that desperate to save the 'lecky bill?

Nigel Heaton, professor of transplant surgery at King's College hospital, London, said, "People have qualms about it. The concern is that you are prolonging or introducing futile treatment that has no benefit for the patient."

Hmm, if only it was saving someone else's life at the same t... hang on, it is! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. And with great power comes great responsibility. OK, I learn my philosophy from films but I'm making a point.

At the moment up to 1,000 people die each year from a treatable condition because they don't get the transplant because there aren't enough organs.

I think, if there's a way we can help to solve this problem, it is irresponsible to sit back and do nothing. And that's why I hate Noel Edmonds.

He's living the high life doing his "Deal Or No Deal" TV show, but if he put his "Swap Shop" skills to work on this...

>Read the source story
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12/02/2012

Bin Laden Family To Live In The West

According to the Sunday Times, terror chief Osama bin Laden wanted his youngest children to move to the West.

Then what was all that terrorism lark about? Was he just trying to get the house prices to drop so they will be able to afford a nice place over here?

He said: 'Go to US and live in peace'. I think they would've got more peace if their dad didn't keep trying to blow our shit up all the time.

It seems odd, that if you really hated something you'd want your kids to live in that thing and blend in. I really don't like BMW drivers, with the way they cut you up, never indicate at roundabouts and drive right up your arse. But that doesn't mean I secretly want any offspring I have to become passengers.

It makes no sense. There can only really be two situations that fit. Either he secretly hated his children, so his ultimate plan was to send them to the West and hope one if his mates blows then up one day.

Or he really hates the West and he brought his kids up to be right little shits. He may not have brought the West to our knees through terrorism but he can wind us up by sending over his children.

He probably trained them in how to annoy us. I bet they don't know how to queue and will just push in. I bet they have been taught to use a mobile on the quiet coach of a train. And if Bin Laden was truly evil, I bet he taught them how to drive a BMW. Damn you Bin Laden. Damn you!
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10/02/2012

Honour Amongst A Thief

You have to be careful about setting the wrong precedent. There's a story from Australia, of a man who had his wallet and mobile phone stolen. But the robber handed the phone in at the local police station because he found it contained child porn photos.

What's the take-home message from this story? It's this. If you want to make sure your phone will be handed in to the police if you lose it, put dodgy pictures of kids on it.

See? That's what happens when a thief doesn't think his actions through. The man must've been left saying, "If only I'd have put a nude shot in the wallet I'd have that back too."

At a time when personal theft is going up, people will start to use these techniques, for other items too. When you see a security van delivering the cases of cash you'll spot the printing on the case that reads, "Warning: This case contains images taken at a family beech."

It's a slippery slope and we shouldn't be on it.

There's no justice though, the mugger tried to do the right thing but was arrested when he went to the police station. It turned out he was already wanted for car theft.

Whoever owned that car should've put a child locked in the boot banging to get out, then they would've had their car back within days.

>Read the source story
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09/02/2012

Homeless? Stay At Home

When it comes to health advice, France isn't the place you'd think to look. They've been pumping their women full of industrial grade silicone for years. It's the only country where you could buy fake boobs in Homebase.

But now a French health minister has proved what a genius she really is. Nora Berra wrote in a blog that homeless people should not go outdoors during the ice-cold snap.

Amazing. I've not seen someone put their foot in their mouth like that since a found that "specialist video" online. And trust me, that was the least rude video I saw after I Google "Woman who can fit a foot in her mouth."

You know what, I can't fault her logic. In an ideal world the homeless shouldn't go outdoors. In fact I'll go one step further, homeless people should not be without a home. There you go, that advice has just cured the problem of homelessness too.

In her blog she said toddlers, old people, the sick and homeless were particularly vulnerable in times of extreme cold and should "avoid going outdoors."

I'm not even sure her phrase it fitting for toddlers. They should "avoid going outdoors"? They don't really have a say in the matter. You don't hear many toddlers saying, "I've just got to nip out for some fags."

But saying that homeless people should stay indoors is a level above. It's so insensitive. It's like telling the Fritzl kids they should get out more.

We should put her to work on some of the other issues blighting society. She should tell the unemployed to avoid not getting paid regularly, or tell the obese to avoid eating all the pies. Maybe she could even tell cocaine addicts they should avoid trying to win X Factor or Celebrity Big Brother.

What she really needs to do is to tell politicians like herself to stop talking rubbish. I know, I've gone too far there. That'll never happen.

>Read the source story
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08/02/2012

Colder Than The North Pole

Colder Than The North PoleRecently I have been on a rant about the way our newspapers talk about the weather. On hot days we get "UK Hotter Than India" and last week "UK Colder Than Iceland". It all seemed like needless competition. We're hosting the Olympics this year, maybe we should try to focus on winning at sports and not put all our support behind our temperatures.

But today it's actually an impressive one. The Express says, "-15C: Colder Than The North Pole".

That is impressively cold. And all those people who campaign about climate change saying, "Where will the polar bears live?" I think we know the answer now, move to a small town in the UK.

Actually they should move to the village of Midsomer like in the TV show. It'll have cold temperatures and they're white, so they'll blend in.

Sadly it's not just the cold. Forecasters say in the next few days we'll get widespread ice and snow.

That means we're screwed again. It doesn't matter that we have a few days warning and the councils say they're prepared. We all knew snow was coming last Saturday, everyone. Even if you were living under a rock, you can get a 3G signal there these days, so it's no excuse. And even with that much warning they still didn't grit the A1, that I got stuck on.

Come on, it's the A1. Even if you had just one gritter, if you started alphabetically I should've been fine.

It was weeks of authorities saying, "We have massive stock piles of grit this year." And you still had massive stock piles of grit after it had snowed because it was just left in your yard.

Colder than the North Pole sounds pretty bad because we all think of the old stories of people walking there dragging their supplies behind them. It's not that inhospitable these days. I saw a David Attenborough show where they just fly you in to the pole.

It snows there all the time, it is by definition as cold as the North Pole there, and they still manage to fly people in. But one inch of snow and Heathrow will be closed up like Woolworths.

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07/02/2012

These Women Love Sausage

pick-a-dickIt's amazing what the internet can do. It's a piece of technology that has improved our lives in so many ways. OK, it's mainly used for sending people pictures of cats playing the piano but in the old days people had to hand-deliver Betamax videos of cats playing the harpsichord, so thank god for the web.

The latest clip to hit the web is of a Canadian TV host who said the wrong thing while talking about a sausage-eating competition.

It's Lisa Dutton, and here's what happened.


If you can't see it click here.


It's not that she says "Pick a dick" instead of "Pick a tic", it's the fact that she said it twice. She's addicted. Ad-dick-ted... OK, that's too far.

On the news site where I found this it said: "Her co-host tried in vain to salvage the situation by reassuring the audience that neither of them had been drinking."

She may have said that but in general, she wasn't helping. Her, "Well, you're thinking about sausage so..." hardly helped her buddy out.

And my favourite bit was earlier.

Lisa: "It's a sausage competition that I judge."
Co-host: "Oh, like sausage eating?"

What else kind of sausage competition could there be?

Lisa: "No, I just see if I like the look of 'em. Sometimes I touch them a bit. Stroke 'em. I get paid in twenties straight into my pants."

I feel sorry for the people at pick-a-dick.com, they'll be getting lots of hits for people who want tickets. It's like the whole CompareTheMarket.com vs CompareTheMeerkat.com issue. Pick-a-dick.com might even crash, which means people like Cher's son/daughter will have to wait.

Pick-a-dick.com, it's amazing what the internet can do

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Actual Spider-Man Could Exist

Spider-ManScientists are investigating a bizarre white cobweb found on nuclear waste - amid fears it could have been made by a 'mutant' spider.

Even with this limited information we can already work a few things out. For a start, their cleaner is getting sacked.

The newspapers immediately said it was "a freakish echo of the Spider-Man comic strip". I think they're getting a little carried away. In the Spider-Man story Peter Parker is bitten by a radioactive spider and gains special powers. But real life is never as cool. Years after Chernobyl and not one Hulk has come out of that region.

And even if this does prove the existence of radioactive spiders, and somehow they can bite you and give you the abilities of a spider, that wouldn't be so impressive in real life.

You know how spiders run for a while and stop, and then run off again. That's because they get a build up of lactic acid in their joints. A real life Spider-Man would go for about 100-years and need a breather.

In the comic book Spider-Man shoots web from his wrists. Bad news, spiders shoot web from a thing on their bum. It would hugely embarrassing for Peter Parker if, every time he wanted to shoot a web, he had to moon.

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06/02/2012

Andy Murray's Mum Has Toilet Trouble

Andy Murray's mum, Judy, has caused some upset by tweeting a picture from inside parliament.

Well, that and producing a son who can't win Wimbledon. So she's not having a good run of it.

Judy Murray took a picture of the toilet in the Lords.

That's taking it too far isn't it? Next she'll be signing into the toilets on FourSquare.

RT @Judy_Murray2012 I just became the mayor of trap 3, the Lords loos on @foursquare

She took a picture of the door that says "Women Peers".

It's a perfectly good sign for a toilet, if it didn't have the letters R and S.

Murray tweeted the picture describing it as "too fun" to her 20,000 followers. Lieutenant-General David Leakey, aka "Black Rod", said he thought the message "belittled" parliament.

No, I think spending our money on moat cleaning and duck houses belittled parliament, taking a picture of a toilet is, ironically, not taking the piss as much.

I've tweeted from a toilet before. Well, most of my tweets are done on the loo. If I didn't eat so much bran I wouldn't be able to be so prolific. But I have tweeted a picture from a toilet once.

What makes me think this venue was designed by a man who'... on Twitpic


It was taken at a gig where, after the first break, the audience was mainly just men.



P.S. Go on, lets have a day of #toilettweets and mention @mrstevenallen in them to get a reply.
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05/02/2012

Sex Or Super Bowl

A new survey says women in American would rather have sex than watch the Super Bowl.

What a pointless survey. If you angle the TV right, you can do both.

80% of women, when asked, said they would rather have some rumpy pumpy than watch the sports event. After the first woman says yes, it's kind of rude to keep asking others. It's like you're hedging your bets.

It's an interesting question, would you pick the sex or the Super Bowl. I know it's a big deal and it only happens once a year, but then, so does the Super Bowl.

I'm not sure which one is best. The Super Bowl is the most watched sports event with a global audience of about 111million viewers. Thanks to sites like YouPorn I'm sure there are more viewers for sex.

At the Super Bowl you might get to see Janet Jackson's boob. There's a slim chance you could see the same during sex if you pull the right woman.

The Super Bowl lasts for hours. OK, it wins that one.

But for me the deciding factor would be that you can record the Super Bowl on video and watch it again later. Whereas, if you try to do that with the sex the other person gets really mad when they find out.

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02/02/2012

Scientists Can Read Your Mind

Scientists could create mind-reading machines after "hearing" people's thoughts for the first time.

Either this is an amazing breakthrough for science, or those scientists have gone mad. If you're hearing other people's thoughts and they're telling you to "kill, kill, kill", it's time to get help.

Experts decoded electrical signals the brain fires off as it understands and creates words. The next step could be to develop thought-recognition software to synthesise speech for those without a voice, like some stroke patients.

Or even better, it could be used to display subtitles for people with a really strong accent. This could boost trade to places like Newcastle no end. Sadly this technology has come along too late to save Cheryl Cole's career but still, it gives hope.

Neuroscientists put electrodes on the speech processing centre of the brains of 15 people. They played them conversation and saw certain words and phrases created patterns in the electrical signals. Experts believe these could be translated into speech.

I hope this technology doesn't become too easy to make. If they start making an iPhone app that can turn thoughts into words, I'll spend most of my time out of the house getting slapped.

Being able to keep my thoughts to myself is the only thing letting me be a member of civil society. At the moment, if a guy in a pin-striped suits gets on a train and talks loudly into his phone he probably thinks I'm ignoring him. But if can check and app and read what's being going through my head, he'd have me arrested and searched for any whole pineapples.

And if a woman hits my ankle with a pushchair and takes off some skin, I turn round, see it's a mum and just give a little smile. I don't want her to then get a message alert telling her what I really thought about her and her ugly kid.

I think the costs of this technology would outweigh the benefits. Sure, it could be better that iPhone's Siri, where all you'd have to do is think of someone and you'd call them. But it could end relationships. If we were in bed together and suddenly my phone called your sister... say no more.

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01/02/2012

It's Cold Outside

I love the way the news covers our weather. It was only five months ago that newspapers were proudly shouting that, "Sweltering Britain was hotter than India." Now we hear that we've been colder than Iceland. Why are we obsessed at beating other countries?

I'm assuming that's what the Express headline meant. Or were they saying the UK got colder than a shop full of frozen food. That's a nice way to report news. They can say we're colder then Iceland and Farm Foods, and our economy is doing as well as Woolworths.

Is it because we don't beat other countries at sport any more that we're turning to the weather to try and get a victory?

In the summer they get a picture of some women frolicking in the sun, like this one from the Daily Star...

I don't know what muscles she's tensing but to get ... on Twitpic


She has some really good control to be able to pee into that bottle from that distance.

But in the winter it's different. The newspapers find pictures of struggling motorists and speak to "experts" who tell you what you should do if you're making a journey. They say things like "remember to take warm clothing and a flask of hot drink."

It's like they've interviewed Ray Mears. A jumper and a cup of tea? I never would've guessed.

And my favourite phrase that comes out when we have bad weather is this: "And remember, only travel if you have to."

I'd say that's a good rule to live by even in good weather. If you don't have to leave the place you're at right now, don't travel, or you'll find yourself nowhere near where you're meant to be.

In fact the only time of year when there's a slight gap in that logic is during the cold weather. If you don't have to travel, but you do anyway, you might find yourself in Iceland, and apparently it's nice and warm over there right now.

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Men Fall In Love First

New research says men are more likely to be the first to say 'I love you' in a relationship.

Yeah, but he'll say it the the Xbox 360, to his car, he'll even say it to the George Foreman grill, so I'm not sure it means as much as you think.

Around 64% of males admitted they had said 'I love you' first, compared to just 18% of women, research at the Pennsylvania State University and published in the Journal of Social Psychology found.

OK, let's take a look at the figures. 64% and 18% adds up to 82%. That leaves 18% of couples where neither the man nor the woman said 'I love you' first. So either they have a loveless coupling with repressed emotion and bottled resentment, or they're one of those sickly couples where they said it at exactly the same time. I think I'd rather be in the first type of relationship.

Around 87% of those interviewed believed women fell in love first, while three quarters predicted that women would be first to say 'I love you', but questions about their own experiences proved that men took a few weeks to realise they were in love, while women took a few months.

It makes sense. We think of women as more emotional and therefore you'd imagine they'd be the first to talk of love. But think about it practically for a minute. The man gets someone who is neat, tidy, fragrant and in many ways is like 3D porn. She gets someone to open jars. No wonder he says 'I love you' first. The strange fact becomes the 18% of times when she says it first. Now there's a woman who really likes pickled onions.

Even the experts said it's unlikely men are more emotional. They said one of the reasons men say it first is because they think it will mean the woman will have sex with him.

I would just like to say that not every time a man utters the words 'I love you' does it means he wants to have sex. Maybe to the Xbox 360 and car, but certainly not to the George Foreman grill.

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The Girl With The Golden Nuggets

Here's a news story that lets you know what class you're from.

A 17-year-old girl was in the news because she only eats chicken nuggets.

The upperclass response is, "That's awful. What's a chicken nugget?"

The middle class response is, "That's awful. How does she cope without couscous?"

The working class response is, "That's awful. She doesn't eat the fries? What a waste!"

Since the age of two she has only had these nuggets. That's a 15-year bad diet, and you know what the most annoying part of the story is? She's not even fat.

She has had none of her 5-a-day for 15 years and yet she's not fighting obesity. I have been eating bland rubbish that someone dug up for years and I still hear creaking when I try to use the Wii Fit board.

It's not without its health implications. She once suffered breathing difficulties. I suffer breathing difficulties every time I use the Wii Fit board, so she doesn't have it too hard.

Experts have advised her to take vitamin injections and start eating healthy food, but she can't. She says she can't get enough of chicken nuggets. McDonald's chicken nuggets are her favourite. However, she also likes KFC and the supermarket ones, said the daily.

This is not a bad diet, it's an addiction. If she can't get enough of them even when doctors tell her it's bad for her, it's an addiction to chicken. So there's only one thing for it... cold turkey!

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