27/04/2012

The Right To Farewell Intercourse

We've all heard news stories about the crazy laws. Like the one where a pregnant woman can urinate in a police officer's helmet (so if you're being kettled on a protest, try to have a pregnant lady with you). Or the law that says it is permitted to kill a Scot if spotted in York after dark. That's why Gordon Brown only ever visited the north in the day, called locals "bigoted women" and left before dusk.

All of these laws are old ones but there's a new strange law that could be coming in. In Egypt, a law has been proposed allowing men to have sex with their dead wives. Why would you want that? Who'd want sex with their wife as she lies there cold and motionless, and doesn't show any signs of enjoying... oh, I get it. Just like old times, eh?

There are some terms and conditions. It has to be within 6 hours of her death, so you can't hold up the funeral while you have a last crack at it.

Surely, if you have just lost your loved one, the last thing on your mind should be getting in a final screw. But it could be the law of another country so I should pay it the basic respect of thinking through the morbid practicalities. What are the two main types of death? Slow illness-related ones or sudden accident ones.

If your missus is about to die from an illness you can probably plan to be together one final time as an act of love. So you don't need this 'Farewell Intercourse' law. If your wife died suddenly in an accident you wouldn't want to make love to her then. If you have to unzip a different bag to kiss her legs, you shouldn't be doing it.

The controversial notion that a man has the right to intercourse with his dead wife emerged in May 2011 when a Moroccan cleric, Zamzami Abdul Bari, claimed marital rights were still "valid even after death". He added: "A woman should be entitled to the same privilege with her dead husband." Finally a use for the stiffness.

It makes you grateful for our "till death do us part" section in the vows. Surely no right-minded country could pass such a law. If they do, watch out. Ladies, if you notice your hubby has been getting a bit frustrated and he's just bought two tickets to Egypt, check that they're both returns, OK?

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