30/06/2012

Tom Cruise, Poo-Face

Never kick a man when he's down. But it's OK, Tom Cruise isn't down, he's stood up. It just looks like he's down. He's little.

Yesterday we heard that Tom Cruise is being divorced by Katie Holmes. Today a magazine is telling us about his beauty regime. Apparently he rubs a mix of nightingale poo, rice bran and water into his face every night.

He has bird shit on his face? And now the question is, "Why didn't she divorce him before?"

He turns 50 in July and he certainly looks good for his age, so maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge. It's possible that bird poo can keep you looking young. Have you ever see a bird with an old looking arse? I rest my case.

He's not the first person to have a bird poo facial. Victoria Beckham has had them done and Nelson's Column is a big fan. And he looks great for his age.

The treatment costs around £135 and works because the bird turd contains enzymes that exfoliate the skin. Plus, when you get home and think about the fact you've had some shit on your face, you probably scrub so hard you really get rid of the dead skin.

I was thinking of trying it so I Googled "How to get a bird to poo on me for £135." May I just say, Yahoo Answers was really helpful.

>Read the source story
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Men In Drag, Race

Drag RaceHundreds of men got dressed up in frocks, fishnets and feather boas to become drag queens for a day and take part in a charity fun run in London.

I thought I should explain that was what happened in case you saw loads of butch women running and thought, "Wow! The molesters in London have really dropped their standards."

It was the "Great Drag Race", which is a clever pun but also probably led to some disappointed petrol-heads. It was all for a good cause, in support of a prostate charity. And that's why the dressing as a woman doesn't make much sense. If there's one section of society who doesn't need to check their prostates it's the women.

What message am I missing? Are they saying we should dress as women when we go for the check up? Is it good luck? Maybe having to lift up a skirt first would make your doctor be more gentle.

I suppose it's a better fancy-dress for a prostate sponsored run than many others. Some people do fun-runs dressed as a cow but that would be wrong here. I've seen it on TV, they go elbow-deep.

It seems wrong to be picking fault because they're doing it to raise awareness for such a serious issue. But by posting about it on this site I am actually giving it an extra plug.

I guess what I'm saying is, when it comes to a silly fancy-dress, for all the good it does you might as well shove it where the sun don't shine. And while you're up there...

>Read the source story
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Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Split

First it was Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis. Now it's Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Next you'll be telling me Ike and Tina Turner aren't seeing eye to eye.

Yes, Hollywood A-listers Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing, bringing an end to a five-year marriage. Straight away you think, "Is there another man?" And then you think, "Or is there another woman?" And then you go back to thinking, "Is there another man?"

It's big news, on the front page of some papers, like The Mirror who went with, "Tom Cruise Dumped By Wife".

When I first read that I thought, "I know he's small, but how did he fit in her colon?"

They have made it official, which I think means he jumped up and down on Oprah's sofa shouting, "I hate her!"

It was Tom's third marriage. His last wife was Nicole Kidman. You know, it's like he really doesn't have any luck with women. If only there was something he could do to avoid his woman-related bad luck. Nope, I can't think of anything either.

It is always sad when a relationship ends. You have to think about the little ones. And in this case that's their six-year-old daughter, Suri, and also Tom.

It's been reported that Holmes filed divorce papers in New York on Thursday, citing irreconcilable differences. At the moment we don't know the details. There have been many suggestions as to what could've happened in their relationship. One person said Tom was doing it to raise money for charity.

Well, he wouldn't be the first celeb to be sponsored to lose his beard.

>Read the source story
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28/06/2012

No, Ex-Hubby, That Is Not Dogging!

Shocking headline of the day goes to the Evening Standard with, "Man accused of sex with bull mastiff tells court: 'It's a total lie'."

I should hope it is a lie. That's just wrong. The bull mastiff isn't even an attractive dog. It's stocky and ugly. If you're going to do that business you want an Afghan hound. Those long, flowing locks... What?

Here's the story. Nicholas Saunders was accused of having sex with his ex-wife's bull mastiff dog. Kelly Thacker claims to have found her ex-husband in her bed having intercourse with the animal on January 15 last year.

She was obviously upset, because the dog knows she isn't allowed on the bed.

Ms Thackersaid said she had rejected Saunders' advances towards her and was shocked to find him having sex with her dog, Sasha, soon afterwards. Ah, on the rebound. Poor Sasha.

Mr Saunders said he merely "tolerated" his ex-wife for the sake of their children and it was in fact Ms Thacker who had been wanting to get back together with him. He said he was in total shock following the allegation and denied having sex with the dog. He turned her down and she cried 'dog sex'.

The court heard Saunders, who had remained on good terms with his ex-wife, went to her house following an argument with his girlfriend who was bi-polar. (He's doing curious bears too?)

Saunders told the court they watched TV for a short time before he got undressed to go to sleep. He said: "I was woken by the dog, Sasha, licking my face. I pushed her away as I'm not a fan of that." Ah, the Pretty Woman rule, no kissing.

He continued: "As I got up to use the toilet Kelly came into the bedroom and started having a go at me...I thought she was a nutcase. Mad. I changed and left."

She called the police, and here's where the story gets a bit Jeremy Kyle, because there are some "all-important" DNA results. Saunders provided police with a swab taken from his penis. Forensic examination later showed a 100% match for the DNA of a domestic dog, although the court heard it was not possible to tell the type of dog, its sex or the source of the DNA.

So, his defence is that he didn't have sex with HER dog?

He had sex with one or more other dogs, and he didn't use condoms. In his defence, I don't know if he used condoms, but by the sound of it, he got through a whole pack.

>Read the source story
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Cheryl Storms Out Of Interview

Cheryl Storms Out Of InterviewCheryl Cole has stormed out of a BBC interview over daft question.

Was it, "would you like a lollypop after you've weed?" That normally gets her going.

She was repeatedly asked 'Why are we here?'. That's a rather deep and philosophical question. If I wanted to understand the very meaning of existence, I don't think Cheryl would be the person I'd ask. Some of the greatest minds this planet has ever created have failed to get to the bottom of it, but I bet a pop singer can nail it.

She had agreed to chat to a BBC3 show backstage at an event, but got so fed up when she was repeatedly asked the philosophical question she left.

On some level her response was genius. When asked, "Why are we here" she leaves here. That's deep and really questions the presumptions. I guess she didn't do that part of it on purpose.

According to her people, when she was asked "Why are we here?" she thought they meant why was she at the music event and took it as a dig at her for not being worthy of being on the same bill as The Wanted and Jessie J.

She's pretty quick to take offence for a woman who makes a living out of saying, "I'm worth it."

>Read the source story
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Katy Perry Tissue-Stuffed Bra

There are two stories about Katy Perry in the news today. In one, Katy Perry says Russell Brand felt threatened by her career.

The other story is about how Katy Perry stuffs her bra with tissue. One story is an interesting example of how, even in the year 2012, we still live in a society where a man can feel that he should be the main earner in a relationship. The other is a silly story about boobies. So it should come as no surprise that it's the second one I'm talking about here.

Why does she put tissue down there? They're already massive, so I don't think it's for reasons of padding. Maybe she knows she's likely to spill her drink down her top and she's just getting ahead of the game.

Maybe it's there for later. Like old grannies who always have a hanky up a sleeve. To her credit, she didn't have sleeves on that dress so what else could she do?

While it's shocking that in 2012 a man can be jealous of his wife's success, it's equally shocking that a beautiful woman, busty or not, would cram tissue down her top like a nervous teen. I guess she works in an industry where image is everything, but shouldn't we rise above worrying about things like double-ply quilted boobies with aloe vera?

You see, linking those stories together actually worked out in the end. The third story I was going to bring in was the story about all the flooding in the north of England. If Katy Perry's chest is mainly made of tissues, she'll have enough in there to soak up most of the flood water.
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27/06/2012

Cyprus Bailout

Looks like it needs workMore trouble in the Eurozone as the Republic of Cyprus requested a bailout.

Cyprus has the third smallest economy in the EU. They didn't need a bailout, they could've asked for a whip-round.

Just to put it in perspective, Cyprus has the third smallest economy, but Jimmy Carr has the fourth.

Their president went to great lengths to say his country is "not for sale". I don't blame him. This is no time to sell in the property market.

They have asked for 10bn euros to tide them over, which on the grand scale of things is a pay day loan, but while the numbers are smaller than the big worries of Spain and Italy, the concern here is the reason Cyprus needs money. They say it is because they were exposed to the Greek economy. And it's the Greek issue that is threatening to spread across Europe.

I suppose we're lucky that Greece has only recently had its financial troubles. It if was like a while back history would've been very different.

Trojan Guard 1: "The Greeks have given us this massive horse as a gift."
Trojan Guard 2: "What, they could afford all this solid wood?"
Trojan Guard 1: "Hmm..."

>Read the source story
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26/06/2012

Would This Stop A Husband Cheating

Someone has gone and invented something that stops husbands cheating.

Oooh, interesting. Is the answer, "a perfect wife at home"?

Of course not. It's a wedding ring that has the word "MARRIED" stamped on the inside of the ring in reverse. Here's how it works. A married man is out drinking, sees an attractive lady and like the cad he is he wants to go over and flirt. So, he takes his wedding ring off, but where it has been now says the word "MARRIED".



That'll stop him! Well, that'll stop him pulling women who can read.

It's available on cheeky.com and it says it was inspired by the roving hands of some celebrity hubbies. That's the flaw in the plan. Most people know these celebs are married, their wedding was probably in OK Magazine, and yet still women sleep with them. Just having another reminder won't make a difference.

But most people aren't married to celebs and if you are worried about your husband cheating get one of these. No matter how attractive the women he meets are, he won't do anything about it. Unless he comes home one day after chopping off his own finger, in which case he deserved a little action.

I'll keep an eye on this because if the inventor of a ring that stamps "MARRIED" on a man's finger gets rich I may invented another ring that says "NOT-". Pop that on when you first walk into a bar and by the time you're chatting someone up, you're golden.

>Read the source story
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23/06/2012

NatWest - Non-Helpful Banking

I hope you are enjoying yet another bank holiday weekend. That's only for people who are with NatWest though.

Thanks to a computer glitch NatWest, RBS and the Ulster Bank haven't been letting people get access to their accounts. This has been causing havoc for thousands of customers, but I have been rather enjoying it. It's not like I have any money in there anyway; all they have done is deny me access to my overdraft.

And it's nice that the problems I have paying my bills are the bank's fault instead of mine. In fact I have sent NatWest a letter pointing out that they have been the reason I haven't paid my bills, and I charged the £30 for the letter. See how they like it.

I also plan to call my bank to make them aware of their cashflow problems. But before I'll let them talk to me I'll have to ask them a few security questions. Like, "What are the 3rd and 7th letters of NatWest's original name?"

NatWest has been forced to open branches for extra hours over the weekend to cope with the fall-out from an IT meltdown. Branches which normally operate on a Saturday morning will extend their hours until 6pm, as well as opening from 9am to noon on Sunday.

So, when push comes to shove they can open during the hours when people can use the branches, rather than just the normal hours they open in the weekend when everyone else it at work.

NatWest has apologised and said it is "working round the clock" to correct the problems.

Really? It's an IT problem. All they had to do was turn it off and turn it back on again.

Still, all of this mess has finally answered a question that's been bugging me for ages. "What would happen if the banks weren't run by bankers, but by doctors' receptionists instead."

>Read the source story
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22/06/2012

Joe The Plumber Solves The Holocaust Riddle

Do you remember Samuel Wurzelbacher? You might be thinking, "No. And with a name like that I'm sure I'd remember. Wurzelbacher sounds like a West Country tribute act."

Maybe you'll remember him when I tell you he was the man John McCain called "Joe The Plumber", thereby proving John is so old he's starting to forget names.

He was the man that John used in the 2008 presidential campaign to try to appeal to the working class voters. Almost in a case of life imitating art, but more like rubbish life imitating what's left of some other life, Samuel Pretzelsnatcher is now running for Congress in Ohio.

He's with it. He's even taken to the web to get his message out. Have a look at his video...



So, he is saying that gun control led to the Holocaust and Armenian genocide? Even if that were true he hasn't convinced many people in the world that America shouldn't have gun control.

By the look of it, if it wasn't for Americans like Samuel Satchelflapper those tomatoes would be rounding the humans up and putting them in camps.

These horrific events happened because the victims didn't have guns? Of course, that's just a vague estimation that will probably turn out to be nothing like the reality of the situation. That's why they call him a plumber I guess.

>Read the source story
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Hypnotist Couldn't Wake Subjects

File under: Whoops! A hypnotist in Quebec hit a spot of bother when he couldn't get several of his subjects back out of a trance.

To be fair, if you have ever been to Quebec you know how you're half-way in one anyway.

He had to call on his mentor to help as he just couldn't make them snap out of it. He was a stage hypnotists, so I have more sympathy. I have often been on stage unable to snap people out of their sleep, which is even worse for me as a stand up.

He was Maxime Nadeau, who put on a show for a group of 12- and 13-year-olds at girls' school. His subjects should have come out of the trance by the end of the demonstration, but some of them didn't.

This is what happened when people run before they can walk. If you have only learnt to put people under you shouldn't do anything till you have learnt how to get them back out. It's like a pilot learning to take off and fly but not learning to land. Unless you're in al-Qaeda, it's not enough.

Nadeau had to call his mentor Richard Whitbread, and Whitbread blamed his protégé's good looks. He said the smitten young girls might have been particularly eager to follow his directions.

He's blaming his failure at work on his good looks? I think we have finally found the male Samantha Brick.

>Read the source story
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21/06/2012

Jimmy Carr Crash News

Poor old Jimmy Carr. He dodges a little bit of tax and somehow becomes the poster boy for the rich and immoral. Up to that point he spent most of his career making jokes about war victims, paedophiles and the disabled, and everyone thought he was a good egg.

He has now apologised and said that he made a "terrible error of judgement" over his tax dodging scheme. And I think that's true. Whatever you do in life, if you find yourself in a position where David Cameron has the moral high-ground over you, you've messed up.

He took part in the controversial K2 off-shore arrangement which allowed him to shelter £3.3million from Revenue and Customs. Apparently he paid less than 1% tax, and that led David Cameron to say he was "morally wrong". From a man who leaves his kid in the pub after a drink.

But he's right. If someone on minimum wage pays nearly 20% there's no way someone pulling in millions should pay only 1%. But it's not Jimmy's fault. It's the fault of the Government. If it is legally allowed to do something with your tax that you think is immoral, you should change the laws. That's what you're there for, Government.

It's not that tricky. Pick a number, like 20%, and make a rule that whatever scheme you are involved in, if you end up paying less than 20% that scheme is illegal. That way, the rich can still hire their expensive accountants to get them down from the 40% rate, the less well off know they're not paying a great fraction of their earnings, and everyone is happy. Oh, apart from there should be a rule that says that Jimmy Carr, and any other comedian no matter how apparently unsuccessful he is, can pay no tax. Cheers.

>Read the source story

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Johnny Depp And Vanessa Paradis Split

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have confirmed that they are splitting up. It was kind of the worst kept secret in showbiz, after the thing about Carol Smillie and the Noel Edmonds Gotcha.

Straight away women on Twitter were saying, "Great. Johnny's free." Yeah, like the fact he was dating was the biggest thing stopping you getting with him. You live thousands of miles away, would be stopped by security if you ever tried to meet him and, let's be totally honest, you're unlikely to be in his league, but it's just that he was seeing someone that stopped you.

It was back in January that rumours first surfaces that they had split, but when asked about it Vanessa denied them. She said, "Yes it's false! Of course it's false!"

A lot of news sources are talking about that as if it means she was lying. But that doesn't have to be the case. Something could be true in January but not still true now. Back in January Sarkozy would've said he wasn't worried about his wife staying with him. But one small election later...

Their publicist said they have split amicably. The interesting thing is what happens next. If Vanessa Paradis finally smiles for the first time in two decades it means Johnny Depp isn't as much of a good partner as everyone thinks he would be.

>Read the source story
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Simon Cowell Went Under The Knife

On the front page of the Mirror there's a picture of something odd behind Simon Cowell's ear. When I first saw it I thought, "OMG, that's a hearing aid. Simon Cowell is deaf." And suddenly a lot of the music he was responsible for made sense.

On closer inspection is seems to be some sort of plaster. Speculation in the paper is that Cowell has had a Hollywood-style nip and tuck on his neck. That's where they get together some useless saggy flesh and get rid of it. Like when he once sacked Louis Walsh from The X Factor.

There is a risk of scarring and as time goes on the saggy flesh could come back. Like when Louis Walsh came back to X Factor.

What else could it be? It's not a part of the body where you tend to pick up injuries. If you get a nasty paper cut there your filing system needs work.

In the Mirror, Lesley Reynolds Khan, co-founder of Harley Street Skin Clinic, said she thought it bore the hallmarks of a procedure. She said: "It looks like a neck lift in which they cut behind the ears, remove the skin and 'redrape it'."

I then spat my drink across the room and said, "They do what? And why is a red one worse than any other one?"

Simon isn't the first X Factor judge to have work done. Louis Walsh had a £30,000 hair transplant, as well as the bags under his eyes removed. Dannii Minogue had fake boobies after her divorce and plenty of botox, and Sharon Osbourne has had so much done she's less human than Robocop.

So what if Simon Cowell has had his neck pulled up a bit. With any luck it means the rest of his body has all moved up a bit too. He can go back to wearing his trousers up to his armpits and his nips will still be above the belt.

>Read the source story
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The SomeNews Live Show... At The Edinburgh Fringe [Ended]

All done! The run at Edinburgh has come to an end. If you want to see what I got up to there's the video diary. The highlight was getting a joke from the show in The Independent's Top 100 jokes at the Fringe. The posters were all around Edinburgh, nearly 5,000 flyers were handed out, ads came out and the show's name was even up in lights.

And as Broadway Baby said in their review of the show:

His whole show rolled like Steve N Allen’s own personal hour of radio banter, never pausing to take a beat. His improvisation was impressive, topical jokes quick and practised on his tongue to mix up with his banter with the audience. This is a tight, upbeat show that I would recommend going to see.

If you saw the show, drop me a line on Twitter if you haven't done already. And if you wished you'd seen the show, you're next chance to see SomeNews Live is at the Nottingham Comedy Festival.




Might as well face it, we're addicted to news. It's 24-hour, it's rolling and we can't get enough of it. From the home of the SomeNews website and podcast, comes the SomeNews Live Show, bringing comedy, sketches and stand-up to the Edinburgh Fringe.

Would you kill a burglar? How would you fix the Euro? Which member of Jedward would you eat first in a celebrity version of the film Alive? This show can help you find out, and you can come along and see the show for free.

★★★★★ - Love Fringe

From August 5th to the 26th SomeNews is on at 5:30pm. The show is on at Captain Taylor's Coffee House (South Bridge, Edinburgh, EH1 1LL) Here's a map.

Tickets are free. You can book your tickets here (there is a booking fee), buy from the Fringe Box Office, or just turn up at the venue before the start time of the show.

"Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look." ★★★★ - Three Weeks

And this year the show is going multimedia with the latest headlines in every show. Plus the Topical Joke Textline. During the festival run, text Mr Steve N Allen with the details of a news story and he will try to text back a joke or comment, so you can see what to expect in the show. Text 07999069372 with a news story to have a go. And anyone who sees the show gets the SomeNews Chronicle. It's a show not to be missed.

See you there for the SomeNews live show, every day, 5:30pm.

"What was evident here, is the performer is quality, his mockery, and the excellent use of accents combined with clever voice-over interaction; is a performer with masses of talent." - Fringe Review



Links to other sites about the SomeNews Live Show at the Edinburgh Fringe.
Ed Fringe | The List | Chortle | Laughing Horse | Edinburgh Festivals

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20/06/2012

Will The Doctors Strike?


Will the doctors strikeAccording to the Daily Mail, doctors are now unsure that they want to go on strike. If there's ever an attribute you don't want in your doctors, it's caprice.

Striking is a serious and drastic action but if they thought it was the right thing to do back when they took the ballot, I'd like them to still think it was the right thing to do. This is because, having a limb amputated is a serious and drastic move, but if they thought it was the right thing to do back when they made the diagnosis, I don't want them to say, "Hmm, maybe it was a little hasty," when you go back for the check up.

The newspaper said, "Support has waned and doctors admit to having a 'crisis of confidence'." Come on doctors, man up. You wouldn't catch Dr Gregory House having a crisis of confidence and that's why we love him. OK, he wouldn't stage a walk out either, but that's because of his leg.

The dispute is expected to lead to the cancellation of 1.25million GP appointments. That is nearly 50% of all GP appointments they normally get cancelled by the doctor's receptionist. So, big numbers.

A poll of 1,265 GP practices suggests doctors are having second thoughts as only 281 centres confirmed they would definitely take part in a walk-out.

As ever with these issues I am torn in different directions. If you sign up for a deal and someone wants to worsen that deal at a later date, tough titties to them. Yes, go on strike and get what you were originally offered. Just because we bail out banks shouldn't mean every public sector worker should have to have a much worse pension.

But that word is the one that throws me. Pension. They'd still get a pension that's better than most and, crucially, better then I will ever get. Should I really be supporting the pension rights of a bunch of people who will be living the high life while I'm starving to death on whatever is left of a state pension?

With what I do for a living, my only plan for old age is to drink loads, eat loads, and hope I don't make it to pensionable age. And the biggest thing standing in the way of my plans... doctors!

>Read the source story
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Masterchef Greg Is MasterLover

There has been a lot of negative news covered on this site lately, so it's time to change that. Here's a story to lift the heart and warm the cockles. Gregg Wallace, the man from Masterchef, is dating a 26-year-old Italian model named Cara Franco.

Why is that good news? Well, for Gregg Wallace it certainly for him. His personal life has been in the news for all the wrong reasons lately. Recently he split from his third wife. I don't know the full details but looking at the pictures, she got custody of his hair.

But he met this lovely new person at the Ideal Home Show in Glasgow earlier this month. It's kind of like the one in London, but up in Glasgow the ideal home is one without a heroine user living next door.

Later they were seen holding hands at the BBC Good Food Show at Birmingham's NEC. He told her on Twitter: "You could be the next Mrs Wallace."

What, his mum? If she was holding your hand so you didn't get lost in a big place like the NEC, yep, she's already acting like it.

She tweeted later saying: "Had a lovely day today and I have many reasons to smile... VERY happy girl." and "@GreggAWallace You look gorgeous today xxx."

And that's what makes this a happy story. When your personal life takes a hit, you find yourself in a bad relationship or newly single, it's only a matter of time till you will find someone who thinks you're gorgeous.

But the real reason this is a good news story, is that she's a young model and he's a middle-aged man who's bald and wear glasses. And it proves that sexy women love bald, bespectacled men. And that's the best news I've heard in ages.

>Read the source story

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19/06/2012

Greece Elections Solution... Almost

The people of Greece have voted for more austerity. Well, almost. Kind of. Just. But what did we expect. It's hard to get people to vote for their own slap in the face, unless they've been reading Fifty Shades of Gray.

New Democracy, the pro-austerity party, won nearly 30% of the vote, Syriza received 27%. That's around a 3% difference, so hardly overwhelming. It's a shame it's not Germany in this situation, because from what I've seen on the web, it's the Germans who don't mind a bit of self-punishment.

Greece will now have a coalition government, which as we all know, works really well. We've had one and we shot straight back into recession, so this could be the end game.

It's a shame that they have ended up with a coalition, as it means it will be harder to get the decisions that could help their economy actually passed through, but it's their own fault. They invented democracy. If they invented it so you couldn't have hung parliaments we all would've been better off.

But, with the news that the New Democracy party, which broadly favours Greece meeting international debt obligations, the markets responded well... for about 5 minutes before news that Spain's borrow rate hit 7% came out. That is the rate at which Greece, Portugal and Ireland needed bail out money.

They're moaning about a 7% borrowing rate? They should see my credit card bill.

>Read the source story
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Cheryl Cole In Dated A Wrong 'Un Shocker

Cheryl Cole In Dated A Wrong Un ShockerCheryl Cole is back in the UK and she's trying to plug her new album. She's in the news saying that a song on her new album is about the pain of a teenage relationship she had with an abusive junkie. In "Craziest Things" she talks about how she was humiliated and bullied by a brute. He treated her worse than a toilet attendant.

Apparently he left her feeling "depressed" and "poorly". Poorly? Oh bless. I didn't realise it was that bad. All of the really good songs are about such strong emotions as feeling "poorly" and "under the weather".

Cheryl said: "I was in the worst relationship of my life."

Really? Someone who made you feel poorly was worse than someone who married you, cheated on your, and MMS'd pictures of his wang to other women?

I really don't understand Cheryl. And neither did the Americans, which is why she's back over here.

>Read the source story
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Torchbearer Proposes During Relay

Romance hit the Olympic torch relay after a 25-year-old British Red Cross volunteer got down on one knee during the leg between Middlesbrough and Hull.

He was proposing to his girlfriend. Just to clear that up. He wasn't doing his shoe laces. I know I'm a bloke but that would be a low standard of romance even for me.

David State, from Redcar, who works with the Scout movement and raises money for charity, knelt as he asked Christine Langham, to marry him.

Everyone seems to be happy about this but I keep thinking, "Oi! You're meant to be doing a job. Focus!" I don't want to be a killjoy but he's handling a naked flame there, and you know what men are like with multi-tasking.

Christine, who is 8-months pregnant with his child, accepted. It was still a gamble though. Even though she's having your baby, that risk that she might say no is bad enough when you're popping the question in a restaurant. But if she said no during the Olympic torch relay, you would all over the paper. You'd be a bigger loser than most of our athletes.

But as if she'd say no. He was holding a massive flame in his hands with lots of spare fuel.

Mr State said it had all been pre-arranged with relay organisers Locog, who gave him 300m to run before stopping to propose. He said: "Then I had to keep running with the torch for 300m after that, so the words 'I've got to go' came out of my mouth as soon as I'd proposed."

Asking someone to marry you and then running off. Sounds like my dating MO in my late 20s.

>Read the source story

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18/06/2012

Another Naked Shopper Stunt

A supermarket on the German-Danish border was stormed by a horde of naked shoppers after offering free groceries to the first hundred punters willing to get their kit off.

These people would strip for food? There's no need for Match.com anymore, just order a Tesco delivery and invite them round.

Some customers even camped outside the new "Priss" supermarket in the hope of being among the lucky first hundred who had been promised a basket full of free groceries worth €270 if they came in the nude.

I don't know if you have ever been camping but all of a sudden this is a less sexy story. If someone hasn't showered in a while it would be worth the €270 just to get them to stay clothed.

Supermarket manager Nils Sterndorff was overwhelmed by the success of his gimmick. He said, "I never thought a hundred people would come, I thought maybe more like ten."

You were giving away food, of course they would come. If they did it in Greece they'd have thousands, and not just because they have better weather.

So many people turned up that Sterndorff had to let them in in batches of twenty.

Oh dear. Success tends to be copied and I hope this doesn't catch on. I don't want to be queing up to get into Asda behind a batch of naked shoppers. Have you seen the kind of people who shop there? Then again, they say never shop hungry. See some of that saggy arse on show and that wouldn't be an option.

Apparently it was mostly Danish shoppers, who often take advantage of the cheaper alcohol and confectionary on the German side of the border.

Oh, they buy cheap alcohol? So they were used to ending up naked across the border.

>Read the source story

See the video of it here...


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16/06/2012

Squid Gets Woman Pregnant

Squid Gets Woman PregnantWorrying headline of the day: "A 63-year-old woman has become 'pregnant' with 12 baby squid after eating calamari."

Well, at least she got dinner first.

The South Korean woman was eating a whole cooked squid when she felt a sharp pain in her mouth. When the lady was examined, doctors found 'baby cephalopods' attached to her mouth - small pods covered in a sticky material.

I didn't think you could get pregnant in the mouth. That has been a fact I have been spreading around for years. It's the only reliable form of contraception. I'd say they should teach it in schools but I don't want kids these days to have a better time than I had back then.

According to a report from the the National Centre for Biotechnology Information: "She did not swallow the portion, but spat it out immediately. She complained of a pricking and foreign-body sensation in the oral cavity."

I'm sure that's not how she said it. This has never happened.

WOMAN1: "Ouch""
WOMAN2: "What is it?"
WOMAN1: "Ow. I've got a foreign-body sensation."
WOMAN2: "Nasty. Where is it?"
WOMAN1: "Right in the oral cavity!"

It went on: "Twelve small, white spindle-shaped, bug-like organisms stuck in the mucous membrane of the tongue, cheek, and gingiva were completely removed, along with the affected mucosa. On the basis of their morphology and the presence of the sperm bag, the foreign bodies were identified as squid spermatophores."

So the headline really should've been: "Woman goes out for a meal and ends up with sperm in her mouth." But that's not as shocking. That happens to anyone who is rude to the waiter.

>Read the source story
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14/06/2012

Man Had Kelly Brook Tattoo On His Leg

Man Had Kelly Brook Tattoo On His LegKelly Brook got a shock when she saw what a fan has done. He's had a picture of her face tattooed on his leg.

I feel sorry for Kelly as that must freak you out. I feel sorry for the bloke because he could really regret it. If he has a wife I feel sorry for her. The only one who gets a good deal in all this is his dog.

Kelly tweeted "OMG please tell me that's not real".

No Kelly, it's not real. It's a tattoo. Your real face is attached to your head. Bless.

A photo of the unnamed man's tribute was posted online by his pals. Sheffield builder Lee Naylor replied to the model and actress, saying: "I'm afraid it's very real, I personally think he's mental (no offence)".

A similar thing happened to the actress who plays Bree in Desperate Housewives. Well, she has a face that looks like someone's leg after tattoo laser removal. Same sort of thing.

>Read the source story
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13/06/2012

Old Chap Needs His Old Chap Rescuing

cock ringIn North Manchester, fire crews were called to a hospital to cut off a sex aid after a pensioner had battled for 36 hours to remove it.

I know what you're thinking, "Why didn't he just pull it off?" Well, sometimes it's more fun to do it with a partner. Oh, I see what you meant.

Apparently he had a ring type sex aid on his genital, which no doubt had a perfect good excuse behind it, like he was hanging up the curtains naked, slipped, and then decided to **** his wife.

I find it surprising that a pensioner uses a sex aid. They never mention that in the Post Office queue; it's all war this, war that. Not once do that tell you the Ann Summers stories.

The poor chap had got it stuck and tried for a day and a half to get it off. I bet he tried all the obvious things, soap, butter, washing up liquid, olive oil. If it wasn't for the panic that would've been the most fun 36 hours of his life.

The doctors couldn't help so they called the fire crews who turned up with a precision cutting tool. Plans were made to use a four-inch angle grinder to remove the ring-shaped object, but eventually an air cut-off tool was selected. The OAP said, "No, you'd need at least the six-inch angle grinder," before they explained that's not how it works.

The delicate procedure took place in the operating theatre and is understood to have taken more than an hour.

If you were one of the fireman wouldn't you be tempted to dress as a Mohel and say loudly as you walk in, "Oy vey! For this bris, we should charge extra."

>Read the source story
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BBC's The Voice Was A Hit

Viewing figures show The Voice was BBC1's most successful entertainment show launch in a decade. Although with the schedule full of Dads Army, it's also their only entertainment show launch in a decade.

That's actually not fair, I take that back. For The Voice to be the biggest entertainment show the BBC has done in a 10 years it is very impressive. It means it beat the big hitters such as Fame Academy, So You Think You Can Dance, How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria, There's Something About Mary...

Actually, that last one wasn't a TV show. Good job, because it would involve hairdressers, unusual hair gel, and each week the woman with the least crusty hair gets voted off.

The Beeb says figures show the series pulled in an average of 9-point-2 million viewers. It could've been watched by a few more if those judges had turned round and paid attention.

The talent show saw viewers dropping off after its early stages - with the semi-final drawing just half the audience it had managed at its peak. It's strange for a competition to get less interesting as it goes on. It must mean they picked the wrong contestants to stay in each week. The problem is, as soon as the judges turn their chairs round, there's no USP. They got to see what the singers looked like and voted them off based on that, like every other show.

What they should do is put bags on the singers' heads all the way through the series. Vote off the weaker singers and keep in the better ones. Imagine the tension when the winner pulls the bag off and... eeeeew! You'd look at the winner's face and say, "Well, she deserved to win. She lost to Diversity last time, so it's only fair."

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12/06/2012

Your Birthday Could Be Your Deathday

Birthday Cake of DeathScientists have found that we are more likely to die on our birthday than any other day of the year. So already we can see the take-home message from this news story: always keep the receipt for birthday gifts.

On average, people over the age of 60 were 14 per cent more likely to die on their birthdays. We should really not celebrate our birthday, but celebrate the day after, in a "Yey, I made it through another one" vibe.

Researchers who studied more than two million people over 40 years found a rise in deaths from heart attacks, strokes, falls and suicides.

I guess it makes sense. Our birthdays are the days when we eat more cake than normal, we spend more time with our faces near naked flames, and most of all, a birthday is the only day when people who normally care about you, wait in hiding ready to scare you by shouting, "Surprise!!!"

Dr Vladeta Ajdacic-Gross of the University of Zurich, said: "Birthdays end lethally more frequently than might be expected."

Now that I totally agree with. Not necessarily the birthday person's death, but if someone buys me f***ing socks again...

>Read the source story
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11/06/2012

Google's Spy Plane

Google and Apple are to use military-grade cameras on planes to take powerful satellite images that could see you sunbathing in your back garden.

Well, not in the UK they won't. We never have the weather for it apart from 3 days a year, when we all head to the park to try and burn.

This is worrying. I like the fact that I could get an all over tan by sunbathing naked in my back yard. I don't want Google checking out my ding-a-ling.

The U.S. technology giants are racing to produce aerial maps so detailed they can show up objects just four inches in size.

Four inches? I can still sunbathe naked then. I don't know what all the fuss is about.

Google admits it has already sent planes over cities while Apple has acquired a firm using spy-in-the-sky technology that has been tested on at least 20 locations, including London. The technology is similar to that used by intelligence agencies in identifying terrorist targets in Afghanistan.

I bet it faired better than the Google Street Car when it tried to do the caves of Tora Bora.

Campaigners say this technology is a step towards a surveillance society. I don't think we need to worry. Google will put ads for things related to what you've mentioned in an email if you use their Gmail, but I doubt they'll serve up ads for Slimmers World if they see you sunbathing.

Nick Pickles, director of Big Brother Watch, said: "You won't be able to sunbathe in your garden without worrying about an Apple or Google plane buzzing overhead taking pictures."

Imagine that. Apple makes you stop being naked. Now, where have I heard of that happening before?

>Read the source story
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10/06/2012

73-Year-Old Climbs Everest

A 73-year-old Japanese woman has climbed Mount Everest. Excellent. But I bet she got to the top and then couldn't remember what she went up there for.

The retired office worker has broken a record and is now the oldest woman to reach the peak of the world's highest mountain.

That really rains in the parade of anyone who's planning to climb it now. "What's that? You want me to sponsor you to climb Mount Everest? Sponsoring to do what a 73-year-old woman can do? Why not just do a sponsored bingo?"

She's not even the oldest person to make the climb. That title still belongs to Napalese man Min Bahadur Sherchan, who climbed Everest when he was 76 years old in 2008.

Sounds like it's all pensioners up there. The top of Everest must be like a queue in the Post Office.

Tamae Watanabe reached Everest's highest point at 8,850 metres high (29,035ft) along with four other team members. It's the other members of the team I feel sorry for. They were Boy Scouts who were left thinking, "God, I thought she only wanted walking across the road."

>Read the source story
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09/06/2012

Harvey Nichols Ads Not Piss Funny

Piss funnyPeople have been complaining about a new ad campaign by the department store Harvey Nichols. It's a series of ads showing a woman wetting herself.

Talk about understanding your target market. Some of the middle-class middle-aged women who shop there were probably so shocked by this they re-enacted it on the spot.

Tens of thousands of flyers featuring the image have been posted and emailed to customers in Britain to promote the shop's summer sale. The ad slogan reads: "The Harvey Nichols Sale. Try to contain your excitement."

I hope this doesn't catch on. There'll be Primark ads of people shitting themselves. Although with the price of the pants in there it's cheaper to do that than to actually use the loo and wipe.

Some people were offended by the Harvey Nichols campaign. Student Danielle West, 21, from Birmingham, said: "Seeing something like this makes me think twice about buying things from there." Certainly anything that's been returned.

Someone on Twitter said: "That absolutely does not make me the slightest bit inclined to shop there!" And if you do, you know not buy by anything in orange or light blue. It really shows up the piddle. Sales of black and dark blue trouser suits will rocket.

Defending its latest ads, a spokeswoman for Harvey Nichols said: "The images in our advertising were designed to be a visual representation of a well-known phrase."

And that phrase was "I could piss myself with excitement"?

Still, it could've been worse. They could've made a poster of a more commonly used expression of surprise. "Well, bugger me!"

>Read the source story
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08/06/2012

Hardware Stores Cash In On Bondage Trend

Fifty Shades Of KinkThe success of Fifty Shades Of Grey has sparked an increase in the sale of hardware products within the U.S. So, it's like the American version of Changing Rooms, just with more kinky sex. Well, not that much more if you know the rumour about Carol Smillie and the Noel Edmonds' Gotcha.

If you don't know about it, Fifty Shades Of Grey is an erotic novel, by British author E.L. James. It has encouraged New York women to seek out the same type of bondage material featured in the book. Multiple hardware stores located in New York have reported that more females are dropping in than ever before.

I've not read the book but I'm worried about what kind of bondage needs items from a hardware store. If it needs rope that's one thing, but if she heads to the glue gun and nail section I am out of there!

Christina Davila, a cashier at Tarzian Hardware in Park Slope, Brooklyn, said: "It's usually men buying rope, but the women, they've been coming in the last few months."

I'm amazed they go through with it. I can understand going to a hardware store when you're in a frisky mood, but as soon as you see the other people who go there, the beer-bellied men with their hirsute arse cracks on display, you'd probably be put right off.

Sex shop Babeland has also seen an increase is trade. Claire Cavanah, co-founder of the store, said: "The book is just an explosion of permission for them to try something new in the bedroom."

Hmm, if a woman said, "I fancy something new in the bedroom, let's go to the hardware store," I'd think, "Oh great! Looks like I'm putting up shelves all weekend."

>Read the source story
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07/06/2012

Jessie J's Backstage Toilet Habit

Ew, I know where those hands have beenIt says in the Daily Star that Jessie J has "done a Gaga". Well, that could mean anything, from wearing a silly hat to having a dress made out of meat. By the way, with so many UK celebs going vegetarian I think I'll start making dresses out of Quorn. There's an untapped market. You'll see me on Dragon's Den.

I read on, and apparently Jessie has done the same toilet trick backstage. Jessie J has admitted that she pees in a cup. That should land her a sponsorship deal with Coca Cola. And it takes a certain confidence to go to the loo in a cup and have faith that no one will walk in on you. I guess she's an optimist. She sees the cup is half-full of piss.

Peeing in a cup is pretty gross, but the best bit of the story is what Lady Gaga does. She has said she uses bucket when she is on tour.

Jessie uses a cup, Gaga a bucket? Just how much does Lady Gaga drink? But fair play to Gaga, at least no one will walk into her changing room and accidentally drink from a full bucket. "I didn't know you were a real ale fan, Jessie... *gulp*!"

As a man I should count myself lucky. I have never had to pee in a cup, as I've been able to go in a bottle. In case you were wondering, it was a Volvic bottle. Wider neck. You know what I'm saying, ladies.

Jessie said: "When you are in a changing room that is 15 minutes away from the toilet and you have six changes of clothes and press interviews, you have to master the weeing in a cup situation."

Note to self: If I ever interview Jessie J, don't shake hands.

>Read the source story
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Film: Red Tails - Review & Red Carpet [Interview]

Cuba Gooding Jr.The latest film to have George Lucas linked to it was Red Tails, the story of the Tuskegee pilots during World War II, and I was lucky enough to go to the gala screening in London.

It was a good way to tell a serious story, by making it with the money from a man who loves special effects. The dog fights look amazing and (as you can hear the in audio below) the actors never even sat in a plane during filming.

With about half the film being filled with these amazing effects it's no wonder some reviews I saw on the web say the characters seem a little thin. If you have a whole squadron to get to know in the scenes that aren't effects filled, you're going to struggle to fit it all in. The effects cost us some of the story-telling, but make the same film without the effects and get the message seen by far fewer people.

And what is that message? (Hear what the actors think it is in the audio below.) I left that film thinking the moral was "pick your battles". Whether it's not chasing after a single fighter at the expense of the bomber you're protecting, or not starting a bar fight because it risks the success of the whole Tuskegee program, it's knowing which wins make the difference.


At the red carpet there was Cuba Gooding Jr., David Oyelowo, director Anthony Hemingway, and the producer Rick McCallum. Hear what we got talking about when I got to speak to them.



Downloads the mp3 here.



And here's the trailer...

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06/06/2012

The Transit of Venus

The Transit of Venus... sounds like the van I lost my virginity in, but it's not. Our neighbouring planet Venus passed between us and the Sun, like when you're in the cinema and some idiot stands up to go to the loo. Only the transit of Venus won't happen again for over 100 years, whereas the git in the cinema will be doing that every ten minutes.

Most of the UK was cloudy when it happened so we didn't actually get to see it anyway. I was awake, so I still looked up at the clouds and as I have those eye floaters I kind of got the same effect.

Here's the UK view of the Venus transit.



If you could've seen it Venus looked like a small black dot on the Sun. Remember, the next time this happens in 2117 we will all be dead, so,happy days.

Every newspaper, every TV news bulletin and even radio shows have all said, "Remember, don't look directly at the Sun."

I'm sorry, but it's not society's job to stop idiots looking at the Sun. If you're stupid enough to think that staring at the Sun is perfectly fine we should let you do it. In fact we should let you run with scissors and use your mobile while driving. One show even said you could use a telescope to project and image of the Sun onto a piece of paper, and they said, "Remember, when the telescope is pointing at the Sun, do not look through the eyepiece."

Anyone that stupid isn't watching the TV, they're stood in front of it shouting, "How did these little people get in this box!?!"

>Read the source story
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05/06/2012

Newly-wed Bride For Sale

...one uncareful owner.

A German couple have auctioned off their wedding night to a stranger. An online advert placed by "NicoleBlow37", whose real name is Sandra.sayd, "Yes, you read correctly: You may take me in front of my husband on our wedding night."

Wow. If you're a guest at the wedding, maybe keep the receipt for the gift you get them.

Apparently it was the couple's fantasy. They want her to be seduced by a stranger in a hotel, and then for the groom to catch her at it. If that's what you're into just marry Amanda Holden.

It worked though. One lucky bidder paid €366 for the honour. This whole thing is like Indecent Proposal, but at that price, I'd say it's fairly decent. And it works out great for the bride. It certainly covers her "something borrowed" requirement.

In the advert it said, "We'll meet in a hotel which you, as a gentleman, will pay for."

Yes, the very definition of a gentleman. I saw it in one of those etiquette shows, "A gentleman always offers to pay when defiling another man's new bride."

It went on, "We will get to know each other and when we start getting down to business I will ring my husband and tell him to come to the room." To confirm the legitimacy of whole arrangement Sandra offered to bring the marriage certificate.

We're not worried that you're not actually married, we're worried that the phone call is the first the hubby will hear about it. It'll end up less Indecent Proposal and more Saw III.

>Read the source story
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The Diamond Jubilee

Happy Jubilee to you. Sadly the nice weather didn't last, so it was more of a Jubilweeing-it-down.

This weekend has been to celebrate the fact that the Queen has been on the thrown for 60 years. And well done to her, managing to hang on to that job through three recessions. We can learn a lot from her.

Some places had street parties, but we didn't have one where we live, so I just sat on the pavement eating my Pot Noodle. And there's little more British than eating high-salt food and ignoring your neighbours.

The event wasn't without upset, poor old Prince Philip had to go to hospital with a bladder infection on Monday. He spent the weekend partying and by Monday had a bladder infection. That's happened to many women across the nation. Still, look on the bright side, he got to miss Cheryl Cole singing.

That's because there was the Jubilee concert held at Buckingham palace. Gary Barlow did a duet with Cheryl Cole. He hasn't been on stage with such big tits since... well, actually, Take That, X Factor... most of his career has been like that. When Cheryl appeared on The Voice a lot of people complained that she was mining. Cheryl certainly stopped people complaining about that. In fact most people started requesting that she mimes again.

Sir Cliff Richard was there, who's now so old it was like watching Mumm-ra from Thundercats do karaoke. Grace Jones was on stage, covered in baby oil. And she's so crazy there's a chance that's actually oil made from babies. Still, it worked. It was the only was she could get past security; oil up and they couldn't grab her.

Annie Lenox turned up dressed as an angel, which seems like an odd thing to do when the host's 91-year-old husband was rushed to hospital earlier that day.

We also saw Tom Jones, Rolf Harris, Kylie and loads more. Credit where it's due, that Aussie sexpot is looking damn fine, almost as hot as he looked on Animal Hospital.

Kylie looked hot too. They say our economy isn't doing very well, but he's certainly had lots of work done.

Rowan Williams was in the audience. Robbie Williams was on stage. I get confused between the two. They both go on about angels a lot.

All in all, it was a great night of TV viewing. I didn't get tickets to go, I stayed at home and tweeted about it. In fact that's where most of this article has come from, my tweets during the show.

Decades from now I'll be chatting with my grandchildren over a Whurther's Original, and they'll say, "Granddad, what were you doing during the Diamond Jubilee?"

"Well, children," I'll say, "I was on Twitter being a sarcastic dick."

Happy
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01/06/2012

The Prometheus World Premiere [Red Carpet Interview]

Mr Steve N Allen at the Prometheus premiereThe new sci-fi film Prometheus had its world premiere in London on Thursday, and I was there. It was only the day before when I saw the screening of Prometheus (read the review here).

Sir Ridley Scott was there with his stunning significant other. I was going to ask the standard question, "So, what first attracted you to the multi-millionaire Sir Ridley?" But she'd probably say, "His massive tadger!" And I'd look like a fool.

Sir Ridley Scott PrometheusSir Ridley Scott Prometheus


Charlize Theron was there making everyone look ugly in comparison. I wanted Samantha Brick to turn up so I could say, "This! This right here is beautiful, and she deals with OK, so man-up!"

Charlize Theron PrometheusCharlize Theron PrometheusCharlize Theron PrometheusCharlize Theron Prometheus


Guy Pearce was there. Here are some pictures of him when he was stood talking to the people just next to me. Well, everybody needs good neighbours.

Guy Pearce PrometheusGuy Pearce PrometheusGuy Pearce Prometheus


Noomi Repace was there too. She was lovely, and her first name sounds like something rude on The Only Way Is Essex. I didn't mention that to her.

Noomi Repace PrometheusNoomi Repace PrometheusNoomi Repace PrometheusNoomi Repace Prometheus


Michael Fassbender was also there. He's the one who plays the robot. Kind of like Metal Micky, but also kind of not.

Michael Fassbender  PrometheusMichael Fassbender  PrometheusMichael Fassbender  Prometheus


Listen to the full version of the red carpet interviews below. I chatted to everyone you can see above, and here's what happened.



Or downloads the mp3 here.


And don't forget you can read the review of Prometheus here. And if you enjoyed listening to the red carpet chats, hear my latest podcast here.


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