31/08/2012

The £185 Paper Bag

The £185 Paper BagI've found the only thing that could make us use bags for life. A fashion label has made a paper bag that will cost £185.

Why would you spend that much money on a paper bag, unless you're trying to impress someone. And how can you impress someone with a paper bag? Get one out while you're chatting someone up and they'll think it means they're ugly.

HER: "Do you expect me to wear that?"
HIM: "No! It's for me."
HER: "In case my bag falls off? Charming!"

Fashion label Jil Sander has included a paper bag as part of its autumn/winter collection for 2012. Last year, the designer menswear label sold an acetate shopping bag as part of the spring/summer 2011 collection, which sold out within days. Oh, so acetate bags are so last year. Good to know.

This year the bag is made of coated paper with stitched seams. The irony is, when you buy it they'll probably put it in a paper bag for you to carry home.

At nearly £200 for a paper bag I'd hope it comes with instructions of how to do the Eric Morecambe trick when you catch an invisible ball.

At a time when people are losing their jobs, some may lose their homes and pensions are seeing their money cut, spending such money on nothing but a paper bag makes me sick. And I know what I want to be sick into. Could you pass me a paper bag?

>Read the source story
Share:

Man Calls Police On His Prostitute

If you weren't sure how bad the global recession was before, this should convince you. A man in south-east Michigan called police to complain that his prostitute was charging too much money.

I should clarify, he wasn't calling the police because she was asking for 100 and he thought she was barely worth a 20. He had agreed a price for the sexual encounter but when they got round to it she wanted more. Like it said on her card, "genuine girlfriend experience".

And what did he call this crime? Was it breach of a verbal contract, was it trades descriptions (like what the phonebox card says genuine photo but when you get there it's not, apparently)? Nope. The 45-year-old man called the police to report a robbery.

If someone is charging more than they should it's "daylight robbery" but that's a phrase not an actual crime.

Police turned up and arrested the 19-year-old woman, but let the man go, even though he was paying for sex.

So, if you are a prostitute you can't offer one price online and then charge more when someone actually tries to use your service. But if you're a budget airline, go for it.

>Read the source story
Share:

SomeNews At The Notts Comedy Festival [Ended]

This show has been and gone, shame you missed it. There are more festivals that The SomeNews Live Show will be at in the future. To find out where the next SomeNews Live Show will be click here.



20120926 200130Wednesday 26th September... 8pm... The SomeNews Live Show comes to Nottingham.

Just back from the Edinburgh Fringe, the SomeNews Live Show will be part of the Nottingham Comedy Festival. At The Bell Inn (18 Angel Row, Nottingham, NG1 6HL - 0115 947 5241) at 8pm, and if you want to see the show, all you have to do is come along.

Here's what people said about the show at past comedy festivals:

★★★★★ - Love Fringe

"His whole show rolled like Steve N Allen’s own personal hour of radio banter, never pausing to take a beat. His improvisation was impressive, topical jokes quick and practised on his tongue to mix up with his banter with the audience. This is a tight, upbeat show that I would recommend going to see." - Broadway Baby

"Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look." ★★★★ - Three Weeks

"What was evident here, is the performer is quality, his mockery, and the excellent use of accents combined with clever voice-over interaction; is a performer with masses of talent." - Fringe Review

"Well informed wit." - Latest7

So, come and see the show.



See also...
Nottingham Comedy Festival site
Article about the show in The CHAD
Share:

Cheryl's A Car Crash Victim

Oh no. Cheryl Cole was in a car crash. And this time that doesn't mean her in the American version of X Factor.

She was at a McDonald's at 3am with Will.i.am when the prang happened. Already that's not the start of a good story. If you're going to McDonald's at 3 in the morning you're probably going to be on The Jeremy Kyle Show within the year.

Will was driving and smacked into a parked car. It's because he's a judge on The Voice isn't it? He has his chair facing the wrong way. You're a health and safety nightmare Will.

It wasn't a high-speed crash but Cheryl did smack her nose. As she flew back to Britain she had her arm in a sling. That's an unusual treatment for a nosebleed, but whatever.

Fair play though, poor old Cheryl did end up with blood all down her front. Either that or she'd asked for extra tomato ketchup sachets.

The worrying thing is that some people confuse me with Cheryl Cole. She's the one that's had an accident that wasn't her fault but it was me who got a text yesterday saying I could claim.

>Read the source story
Share:

29/08/2012

Boyfriend In A Box

A man in China almost died when he tried to post himself to his girlfriend. It was always a risk. Even with the postcode there was always a chance he wouldn't be delivered to the right address. Or even more likely, she wouldn't be in so he'd be left in a neighbour's recycling box.

Hu Seng, from southern China, thought it would be a nice surprise for her birthday. "Surprise! I forgot to get you a gift so I just mailed myself!"

But he nearly suffocated to death after mailing himself to his girlfriend's office in a sealed box, which got lost in the post for three hours. Only three hours! Did he pay extra for that?

Firstly, make air holes, idiot. This is what happens when you grow up in a country without Blue Peter telling you how to bury your hibernating tortoises. And secondly, air holes, idiot!

When the box finally arrived, shocked girlfriend Li Wang unwrapped her enormous present to find Seng passed out and bystanders had to call paramedics to revive him.

Credit where it's due, I bet that came as a surprise for her. The tricky thing is, whenever you get someone a big gift you have to top it next year. So what can he do for her next birthday? He'll have to hire a lorry full of people being people trafficked into the UK.

I tried that once. Well, I told an ex I'd like to get in her box for my birthday. As I said, ex.

>Read the source story
Share:

Women Get Ready Longer In Liverpool

Women Get Ready Longer In LiverpoolWhile one part of science is busy exploring Mars another branch has some new research for us. According to the latest study, women from Liverpool spend the longest getting ready to go out. This is good information. If you are an impatient man, or a really old man, you know not to date a Liverpool woman. Thanks research!

I don’t think the fact that Liverpool women beat those in Essex really tells us much, but the times involved do. They spend more than 3 hours on average getting dolled up before going out.

If I’d spent 3 hours getting ready I’d want to look like a different person. I’d want a prosthetic face I could pull off later like in Mission Impossible.

The irony is that they spend hours getting dressed and at the end of it they’re not even wearing that many clothes. It can’t take that long to tie some string round your bits.

A typical night-out regime can include anything from applying fake tan, blow-drying and styling hair to exfoliating, moisturising and polishing the skin. Polishing skin? Is that to stop the dust settling.

When you think of all that you do to get ready it’s basically fakery. Fake tan, false nails, false eyelashes, padded bra, dyed hair, drawn on eyebrows and control pants. It’s all lies. There’s even a product called “concealer”. After after you put all that on you go out and try to find someone who loves you for being you.

>Read the source story

Share:

19/08/2012

Cats Are Mental

Cats are mental – but that's OK, so are their ownersIn the past I have written about how dogs are better than cats. The basic argument is that dogs are better because they have a sexual position named after them. Having sex "catty style" would not be very nice. It would involve doing it near my bin bags in the middle of the night while I'm trying to sleep.

But today there's news that makes me feel worry for the soulless beasts that would eat you if you turned your back on them for too long.

New research suggests that cats that pester for food could be suffering from psychological condition. So when you think your cat is showing you affection at dinner time by rubbing round your ankles he is actually doing the cat version of making a wicker basket while dribbling.

A group of vets say cats that show too much eagerness to be fed could be suffering from the newly-diagnosed condition of "psychogenic abnormal feeding behaviour". It means the cat's obsession with food has driven it to the edge of insanity. You know, like it's on the Atkins.

They are basically saying that the few signs of connection or emotion that domestic cats display to their owners are signs of being mental. And that's where I step in to defend the humble animal. It's not mental, it's just settling into a long term live-in relationship.

The vets says that attention-seeking behaviour, such as rubbing up against its owner, is a symptom called "excessive solicitation of interspecific interactions".

No. As a bloke I can tell you that rubbing up against the person you live with when you want something is just a natural way to do it.

In that respect we men are a lot like cats. We'll rub up against you if you're stood in the kitchen. If you're sat watching telly, we'll try to bury our heads in your laps. And if you don't give us what we want, eventually we'll go out chasing birds.*

And sometimes we bring that bird home and leave it, covered in blood on the carpet, for you to find in the morning.


* Anyone not from Ipswich should leaved that metaphor at this point.

>Read the source story
Share:

14/08/2012

Jean-Claude Van Damme And Kylie Minogue Get It On?

Jean-Claude Van Damme And Kylie Minogue Get It OnJean-Claude Van Damme has said that he had an affair with Kylie Minogue. After all that Kylie has been through I already felt sorry for her, but after this, I'm starting an Help Kylie Foundation. The poor love.

It was back in the 90s when they worked together on the Street Fighter film in Thailand. She was attracted to the Muscles from Brussels, but I never really believed that's where he was from. I always fancied he was the Twerp from Antwerp, or maybe even the Bugger from Zeebrugge.

It came to light after Jean talked about it as he promoted his new film "Expendables 2". If you see the state of some of the actors in it you'd think it was called "Expandables".

He told The Guardian newspaper: "I tell you what, you should ask her. She'll have a better memory. I'm 51 years old, do you know how much I was punched in the face on 'The Expendables'?"

Is the answer "not enough"?

She had flings with Jean-Claude Van Damme and with Michael Hutchence. Sometimes you think, the wrong one asphyxi-wanked himself.

I'm just being harsh because I'm jealous. I always wanted to have an affair with Kylie when I was growing up but of course it never happened. But to hear that someone like him managed to get her is so annoying. And he said it was easy to pull her. He said: "I knew Thailand very well, so I showed her my Thailand."

How can I compete with that? I don't know Thailand so I can's show her MY Thailand. All my childhood holidays were in the UK. I could show her MY Wokey Hole? Something tells me she'd say no.

>Read the source story
Share:

11/08/2012

The Worst Place To Fall Asleep

The Worst Place To Fall AsleepI've fallen asleep in some strange places before. In a rickshaw, on the Pennines, and in a move that nearly got me sacked, live on radio. (Blame Justin Timberlake, it was a flippin' long song.) But a man in the news has totally beaten me hands down.

Airport officials in Rome found a man asleep on the luggage carousel in Terminal 3. What was he doing there? Was he confused and he was waiting for his baggage to pick him up?

The reason they found him was because they spotted a human-shaped thing going through the baggage x-ray scanners. I hope they spotted him on the first time round because if he was irradiated every time he did a lap, the picture above might not be the scan. Maybe that's how he looks now. I haven't seen anything that bad since a friend at school over-dosed on Ready Brek.

The man was a 36-year-old Norwegian national who was believed to have been drinking heavily. No kidding. But it's interesting how we judge the level of drunkenness by things that carry luggage. Most of us go out and just get trolleyed. He got luggage carouselled.

Maybe I shouldn't be so quick to judge. Maybe he's got the right idea. The number of times I've flown somewhere and my luggage has ended up at a different airport. At least doing things like this guy you'd end up in the same place.

>Read the source story
Share:

08/08/2012

US Olympian Disqualified

Oh no. It happens every time but it is always a shock. An Olympic athlete has been disqualified for taking drugs. Tut. That's not the Olympic spirit, to use a drug to cheat. So, what drug did he use to get that competitive advantage? Marijuana!

What? How is that going to help? Unless they have added talking metaphysical balls as a team sport it's not a performance enhancing drug. If anything it's a performance worsening drug. If you want to make it harder for yourself, go for it. Feel free to also drink Ovaltine and sit down funny on your own nads before a game.

It was judo star Nick Delpopolo. How was "the weed" going to help him? He's meant to fight? He'll be going up to the other athletes and trying to hug them. That's not what you do in judo. That's what you do in sumo.

I suppose it's a health and safety thing. You don't want a black belt judo expert with the munchies. If you get between him and his Twix he will mess you up.

Delpopolo has apologised to organisers, fans and fellow athletes and accepted his expulsion. He claims he unwittingly ate a brownie that had been baked with the drug.

Someone spiked his brownie with weed? The Dutch competitor is looking pretty dodgy right now.

Hang on. A spiked brownie. He's a grown man. The only time grown men eat brownies is when there's some drugs in it. Or if he eats a brownie that doesn't contain marijuana, it's because he's just had the marijuana and now he's hungry

>Read the source story
Share:

06/08/2012

The Chick-fil-A Cock Up

The Chick-fil-A Cock UpThe CEO of the fast food chain Chick-fil-A caused controversy when he expressed his anti-gay marriage views. It seems odd to be reading bad news about a fast food place and it isn't McDonald's. In fact this story is making McDonald's look good. They're not anti-gay marriage. Ronald McDonald loves the cock. That's why they put some in all their burgers.

CEO Dan Cathy said he didn't support the right to gay marriage. On one level we shouldn't care. He oversees the cooking of chicken, he's not a policy maker. It's like hearing that Colonel Sanders thinks contraception is wrong. And that would at least explain the "finger licking good" phrase.

But people were upset and this led to politicians in Boston, Chicago, New York and San Francisco saying the company is not welcome in their states.

So, in retaliation, people who disagree with the right to gay marriage, and a few people were just love chicken, organised a Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day when people ate a chicken in a bun as a protest.

If only more protests were food related. Say no to the Iraq war, give peas a chance.

Former Republican presidential candidate and Fox News host Mike Huckabee was the one who organised it, to support the company "run by Christian principles" as he called it.

Not the Christian principles about giving away all your wealth to get into heaven, because the CEO likes money after all, but just the ones about marriage.

But some of the argument for Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day was that stopping a company from trading in a state just because they said something you disagree with is a breach of freedom of speech. I'm in favour of the right to gay marriage but I'm also in favour of the right to free speech. Tricky.

And then, in retaliation to the Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day, a nationwide 'kiss-in' protest outside Chick-Fil-A restaurants took place on 'Same Sex Kiss Day'.

Straight or gay, I don't want to see people snogging while I'm trying to eat. The sounds people make when they're getting passionate are kind of the same sounds I make when I'm eating fast food. They'll think I'm taking the Micky.

So I'm confused. I don't think saying gay marriage is wrong is OK, but I don't think stopping people from saying that is OK either. I defend both side's right to protest but I don't want to see anyone snog, or right-wing people filling their faces with chicken. I'm just grateful it's not a UK issue. We don't have Chick-Fil-A so on Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day I could make my own non-partisan food choice. I only ate hotdogs... sexily. And by that I mean with funky 70s guitar playing in the background and no chewing.

>Read the source story
Share:

02/08/2012

Britain Wins Gold

Britain Wins GoldBritain has finally won gold at the London Olympics.

I nearly missed it. I was watching the synchronised diving. Or to give it its official name, "Women's Badminton."

If you don't know what happened with that, some of the women's teams had already qualified for the next round and if they lost the second heat they would get the easier picks in the next round. So they threw the games. If they needed someone who could lose and make it look good they should've asked me. OK, I would've looked like a bloke dressed as a woman, but so many of these female athletes do.

South Korea head coach Sung Han-kook admitted his two pairings attempted to throw their matches against China's world champion duo and the Indonesians, but said it was in retaliation against the Chinese team. "The Chinese started this. They did it first," Sung told reporters through an interpreter.

That seems odd. China has been fighting hard to win so far this Olympics. The Chinese female athletes have been doing very well. It makes you wonder how much better they would've done if they let more of the girl babies live.

But anyway, back to the UK. A while back there was a problem with Olympic security, so the organisers called in the army. Then there was a scandal over the empty seats, so they called in the army to fill them. Then we miss out on gold till Heather Stanning, who's in the army, won one. It makes the cuts troop numbers really cheeky.

Heather Stanning was teamed with Helen Glover and they took gold in the women's pairs before a screaming crowd of 25,000, including Princes William and Harry, and many more glued to television screens.

I was watching. OK, it was because I read "women's pair" in the listings. It didn't do what it said on the tin.

Add to that Bradley Wiggins taking gold in the cycling and we are back on form.

It was great to see Wiggins racing on his bike through the streets of Surrey. Seeing bikes not in the velodrome but actually on roads makes them seem like normal cyclists. And you can see these bike go zooming through even when the traffic lights are on red. Yep, just like normal cyclists.

>Read the source story


Get the latest by bookmarking the SomeNews Olympic Updates page here.
Share:

01/08/2012

Podcast 34 - London 2012 Olympics, Double-Dip Recession and China, Fifty Shades of Grey and Drinking Meat

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 34. It's a different look at some news.

In this podcast:

Olympics (Starts @01:30)
Double-Dip Recession (Starts @ 08:00)
Fifty Shades of Grey (Starts @10:20)
Terror alerts in the UK (Starts @16:00)




More Options

  Subscribe on iTunes

Download the mp3

Download from the back-up server

Get email alert when new podcast is released

Subscribe to the RSS feed

Get the podcast via bit torrent

Listen via the SomeNews Android app

Email Email this podcast to a friend

Share Pass it on  


Share:

Get the FREE SomeNews email






"Today's Some News email is hilarious... Subscribe if you haven't yet! Top stuff" 

Twitter

LIVE SHOWS

The SomeNews Live Show
See where the SomeNews Live Show will be next.

Contact

Written/edited by Mr Steve N Allen
If you need to get in touch email info@somenews.co.uk, call 07510334318 or Skype SomeNews.co.uk. See the About SomeNews page for more info.

Blog Archive