22/11/2012

Woman Gets A Boner

A woman has been accused of hoarding human skulls and bones in her flat to have intimate relations with.

There's a woman who wants to make love to bones? Well, that explains how Mick Jagger managed to get laid so much.

The alleged necrophiliac kept at least six skulls, one spine and "a large number of other bones" in a secret compartment, along with a drill, body bags and morgue pictures. OK, so she's dodgy but that doesn't mean she was collecting the for bonking. My first guess would be, she's making a scary xylophone.

But police also found photos of the woman performing sex acts on a skeleton. I'd be no good at that. I watched too much Morecambe And Wise shows when I was younger. I'd get halfway through and say, "What do you think of it so far?" and move the skull's jaw to say, "Rubbish!"

Why would you want to photograph yourself having sex with a skeleton? You're going to look so fat. But maybe she wasn't having sex, maybe she was trying the Heimlich manoeuvre and didn't know when to give up. Right?

Wrong? Police also found two CDs entitled "My necrophilia" and "My first experience". Hmm. Hard to explain. But why are they CDs? I can just about understand filming yourself having sex with bones if that's what you're into, even though it would look like you've been hogging all the food in your relationship. But why record a CD? All you'd hear is your own grunting and the occasional click. You can have that in a normal relationship if you stay together long enough.

The unnamed woman, from Gothenburg, Sweden, was charged with "violating the peace of the dead", following her arrest in September. If it's true, she is disgusting. I'm going to go round there and say something. I'm going to track her down and say, "Oi! I've got a bone to pick with you..." Actually, I'd better not.

>Read the source story
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