31/03/2013

A Cheese Warning

A Cheese WarningCrisis in the UK. One of the classic pillars of British society is under threat. No, not the NHS, not the BBC, not the timeless art of queuing (but yes, that one seems to be on its way out). Stilton.

Apparently the sales of Blue Stilton cheese are plummeting and the experts say it's because young people don't like the idea of eating mould. What? Are they crazy? When I was young I was always eating mould. OK, I was a student, so I didn't have much choice.

For some reason the cheese that is described as "strong tasting and covered in blue veins" isn't appealing to the younger people. In which case, they really won't like penises.

The Co-operative supermarket's cheese buyer Mark Cloudy said: "This cheese is part of Britain's heritage. We can't stand by and let it fade away - yet the people who like it are getting old."

Basically, what he's saying is, it won't be too long before the only people who like Stilton die. Maybe we could help them to live longer. Maybe we should tell them to eat less fatty diary products.

He said: "We want to tell everyone just how good Blue Stilton is. It is one of the best cheeses in the world, and it's produced here in Britain - but yet few people realise what a gem they have on their own doorstep."

I like Stilton for the irony of the "best before" date stamped on it. It's made of mould, just how much more "off" do you think it could go?

Mark has urged TV chefs to use Blue Stilton to boost its popularity with youngsters.

But it's mainly people in their thirties who watch TV shows like that, so it's only a band-aid solution. If you really want to make something popular with the young folk you have to make it seem like it's dangerous. When you make it you inject it with penicillium roqueforti and that sounds like a drug. So call this cheese "prescription grade". Give it a street name the young folk can use, like "let's drop some bluey" or "fancy some cow tang". Don't say it gives you vivid dreams, say it gives you "sleep trips". And best of all, get nightclubs to ban the taking of Stilton on the premises.

Basically I want the Government to put Stilton in the same drug classification as heroin. Well, it makes you constipated, ruins you sleep pattern and it's rather moreish.

>Read the source story
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