15/04/2013

It's Not The Motion Of The Ocean...

I recently became aware of the low-brow nature of the news coverage on the site lately. Recent articles have been about bras, zombie hamsters and fat airline passengers. There's nothing wrong with a little levity, but this site is a news source of record, a serious and in-depth analyser of current events. So it's time to redress the balance, rest safe in the knowledge that this next story was sourced in The Independent newspaper.

Headline: "Size really does matter"

Yes, new research has found that human females prefer large penises to small penises. Wow, ground-breaking findings. I can't wait for their paper on the ursine arboreal faecal distribution patterns. What's that you say, bears do shit in the woods? Well, duh!

Dr Brian Mautz, formerly of the Australian National University in Canberra and lead author of the study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, said, "We found that male attractiveness is significantly influenced by penis size."

I knew it! All of those surveys in women's magazines that say women want a man with a sense of humour were lies! Unless he was making jokes about the size of his massive schlong.

But how are we meant to make use of this information? If you're posting for your Match.com profile pic try and get your tadger in the shot?

He went on, "More specifically, we found that large penises are rated as relatively more attractive than smaller ones."

OK, I can see the sense in that. What he's saying is that a large penis is more attractive than a small penis, but let's be honest, no penis is ever really attractive. You wouldn't want a picture of one as your phone screen-saver. You wouldn't have a painting of one brightening up a dentist's waiting room. You can get work as a hand model or even a foot model, but no one gets to be a cock 'n' balls model. You're a porn star and that's it.

He added, "Our results show that present-day females rate larger penises as more attractive, but it is hard to infer anything much beyond that."

The study involved showing 49 different images of naked men to 100 Australian women, who were asked to rate each life-size image according to its sexual allure. So we can infer something else. Maybe it's Aussie women who love the sausage. I'm just saying, there's a chance the results aren't being interpreted correctly. Not that I have a vested interest in this or anything, but if the women who love large members are on the other side of the planet to me, then all's well.

In addition to varying the penis length, the scientists played around with the stature of the models, making the men appear taller or shorter. Dr M said, "The effect of penis size on attractiveness is not independent of the other two traits of height and shoulder-to-hip ratio. For example, penis size has a much larger effect on attractiveness for taller men, than it does for shorter men."

So, women like tall men with a big willy.

And next they'll publish their analysis of the theological disposition of the traditional papacy.

What's that? Is the Pope's Catholic?

>Read the source story
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