30/06/2013

Postman Pees On Doorstep

An Exeter postman has been caught urinating on a couple's doorstep.

That's disgusting but my postman is so bad he'd probably put a card through my letterbox and urinate on my neighbours' doorstep.

The newspaper said that he will face "internal disciplinary measures" for his actions. I should think so. I get annoyed with all the little red elastic bands left all over the garden but at least they don't start to smell as they dry.

Luke Osborne and Keyleigh Rawlings had noticed wet patches on their doorstep a few times so they hid to see if it was some drunk leaving them pee presents. They were shocked to find it was the postman. That's what happens if you don't give them a tip at Christmas.

Luke said: "Keyleigh is expecting our baby... and it is just so unhealthy."

Ah, that's nice, she's going to have a baby. That's another delivery that'll leave a wet mess.

>Read the source story
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29/06/2013

Woman Glues Mouth Shut

I was recently reminded of the word schadenfreude, n. enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others. It was on the TV show Child Genius. One of the kids had to spell it as part of a competition and she got it wrong. LOL.

If you enjoy the troubles of others you'll like the story from New Zealand of a woman who woke up in the middle of the night wanting to relieve her cold sores with cream. The trouble was she kept her cold sore cream next to her superglue, probably because she has never seen a sitcom in her entire life or something.

The newspapers said the poor woman ended up gluing her lips together. So far, still no comment

She said: "I have all my ointments in a tray in the cupboard, so I got out of bed and I dived into the tray. I couldn't smell it because I was blocked up. And then I got into bed and thought: what have I put on my mouth?" She's not the first person to think that last bit, I'm sure.

She then had trouble calling the police, or as she puts it: "I couldn't speak on the phone, so I couldn't tell them where I lived. I couldn't tell them my phone number." She wouldn't tell that what was wrong, she just mumbled in agreement when they asked questions. It must've been like they'd married her.

The best bit about this story is why we know about it. She told New Zealand's 3 News about what happened on condition of anonymity. She didn't want them to release her name. I'd lke to think they said, "Don't worry, our lips are sealed... oops."

>Read the source story
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27/06/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 27th June 2013 - Scary Animals and Parents

I covered another radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Wednesday 26th June 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about times when you have been scared by an animals and the fact you can blame your parents for most things including your bad driving.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.



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Sofa King Weird

Maybe you once had to call a reupholsterer round to take a look at your furniture. Maybe they had bad news for you. Maybe they said, "Hmm, that sofa's f***ed!" But if they did they didn't mean it as much as they could've done about one man's seating.

US resident Gerard Streator has pleaded guilty to having sex with a sofa. It's easy to be judgemental but to be honest I haven't seen the sofa, maybe it's hot. And whatever a consenting man and a consenting piece of furniture do in the privacy of their own home is their business.

But that's the problem, he wasn't at home. He was out in public having sofa sex when an off-duty policeman saw him. Officer Ryan Edwards reportedly said that he saw "a subject leaning over the couch facing down and it looked like he was having sexual relations with someone on the couch."

That would've been a great excuse. When the cop caught him Gerard should've said, "What? Where did she go? There was a woman right here when I started."

The officer reported that Streator "has been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions."

But the question is, why would you do that in public? I know that some people like outdoors sex because it adds excitement. Yeah, that's the problem with having a sexual relationship with a sofa, you get too comfortable.

>Read the source story
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26/06/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 26th June 2013 - Fat Star Wars & Gender Roles

I covered another radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Wednesday 26th June 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about the new Star Wars film and how the actors in it are being "forced" to do a diet. We also broke some gender stereotypes.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.



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25/06/2013

Edward Snowden - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week, Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews goes live in Southbank, London, at The Monday Night News Show.

Below is a short video from this week's show. In this video we talk about the latest news on Edward Snowden and the snooping scandal.

Have a look...



Watch on YouTube or download the avi

At the actual gig we also covered branding of soft drinks, London Underground issues, fancying maths teachers and much more. Come and see the show live any Monday.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

P.P.S. You can subscribe to my YouTube channel to get these videos, or get them in your email by joining the SomeNewsletter list.
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Car Wax Costs £100,000

Some people love their cars way more than is healthy. I don't find that an impressive trait in a person. In that respect I am like Shania Twain. But there's a new service for car lovers that shocks even me and Shannie.

A company in Fife is offering an "Ultimate Shine" car wash for £100,000.

For that much money wouldn't it just be easier to buy crap loads of other cars and throw the one you're using away when it gets dirty?

The wash uses special Carnauba wax, also known as Brazil wax. Hang on. You pay to give your car a Brazilian waxing? I guess that's where they remove all the hair off the car apart from a small strip that leads up to the driver, because in this metaphor he's the tw... well, you see where I'm going with this.

The wax along costs £65,000. But you have to pay an extra £35,000. For that I'd hope you get a really good tree-shaped air freshener.

Paul Wilkins, who runs and owns the company, said: "For that price I will fly out to any location in the world." Mate, if you even told me that price I'd tell you to "fly off", ish.

He added: "Each job is so different but what I say is that, for the £100,000 price, I will work on the car for as long as it takes. I'm a perfectionist so sometimes it's taken me a few months before I'm happy to hand the keys back."

Are you sure it's perfectionism and you're not just trying to roll the odometer back from the extra miles you put on it? I'm not falling for that ever since I saw the documentary about Ferris Bueller.

>Read the source story
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[Radio Minipodcast] 25th June 2013 - Bad Driving and Ugly People

I covered another radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Tuesday 25th June 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about the things that drivers do, like putting make-up on while driving, and a worrying new study about ugly people.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.



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24/06/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 24th June 2013 - Ghosts and Danger

I covered another radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Monday 24th June 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about ghosts and scary things, we look at living life on the edge, and the Super Moon.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.



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22/06/2013

Iron Man Robs Banks

In superhero news: A man robbed a bank wearing an Iron Man mask. The thief entered the bank in Palm Coast, Florida at about 4pm on Thursday the 20th of June 20, disguised as the Marvel superhero.

Tut. No, no, no, no, no! He's bang out of order. I don't mean about the robbing, for all I know they're insured. It's the Iron Man disguise. It's all wrong.

Firstly, Iron Man is a good guy. If you're going to rob a bank why don't you dress up as one of the movie villains. Dress up as The Green Goblin and no one will see your face. Go as Bane and you can have fun doing the voice. Go as General Zod and it'll be another crime pegged on Peter Sutcliffe's record.

OK, I know some superheroes can turn bad. Red kryptonite has made Superman turn evil before so it wouldn't be a surprise if he went bank robbing. But not Iron Man. Tony Stark is so rich he wouldn't rob a bank. If a mega rich man wants to immorally take money from a bank he'd just get a job there.

But even worse, of all the superheroes to pick he picks Iron Man, a man wearing a massive metal suit... to rob one of the few types of buildings in America that have metal detectors. Totes knobhead.

>Read the source story
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20/06/2013

Fanny On Your Irn Bru?

If there's one thing that advertising teaches us it's that sex sells. That's why with every copy of my comedy album I'm offering a free picture of my junk. I've had quite a lot of interest. Mainly from the police. But even though sex sells I'm not sure doing what Irn Bru have done is the best move. They've made thousands of bottles with "Fanny" on them. Is it their new Fatty Arbuckle range?

You look at the bottles with Fanny written in large letters and you think, "That's a brave new flavour." Although, just like Coke, it could have a Cherry version.

It turns out it's the Irn Bru version of the Coca Cola campaign to put people's names on the bottles. The Coke one has been a great success. I have seen people in shops searching through the bottles to find their names. Having your name on your drink is currently cool and trendy. And yet having my name in my pants apparently makes me a loser.

The Coke one has an advert where someone called Fredrick III has his name on a bottle. They put that on one but I couldn't find a Steve. Although I found one that said Stephanie so I drank that. I have to be honest, I liked it. It was more comfortable than a man's one. I felt pretty.

Irn Bru have done their version with Scottish names and that's why they have some bottles that say Fanny. I didn't realise Fanny was Scottish. I was up there performing a show last year and I didn't hear anyone shout Fanny. They shouted something related to that at me. Everyone's a critic.


>Read the source story
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18/06/2013

3-in-a-Bed Brits - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Mr Steve N Allen live topical comedyEvery week, Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews goes live in Southbank, London, at The Monday Night News Show.

Below is a short video from this week's show. In this video we talk about a new survey that says 25% of British people have had a threesome.

Have a look...



Watch on YouTube or download the avi

At the actual gig we also covered the latest Tulisa scandal, the Savile cop in the Big Brother house, the hot summer heading our way and much more. Come and see the show live any Monday.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

P.P.S. You can subscribe to my YouTube channel to get these videos, or get them in your email by joining the SomeNewsletter list.
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14/06/2013

Kanye Be Faithful?

The model who apparently got herself some Kanye West action has told Kim Kardashian: "He'll never be faithful."

If it's not news stories about Islamic extremists it's a story about Kanye being unfaithful. Either way, people hate the West.

26-year-old Leyla Ghobadi was accused of sleeping with the rapper while Kim was pregnant. Now she has sold her story. Tut, I ain't saying she's a gold digger...

But in the story she said she did have a fling with Kanye but before he started going out with Kim. Well, that's not cheating. That's practising. Having lots of partners is OK if you have them one at a time. That's why I never understood the phrase "serial cheater". Doing it in serial is OK, it's being a parallel cheater that's the issue.

Leyla said: "I was introduced to him at the Montreal concert. We met backstage as I knew members of his band. We ended up having sex. He then flew some friends and I out to Toronto for his two concerts in the next two days. We had sex again there."

Wow. Even that woman in the Craig David song made him wait till Wednesday before she put out.

Leyla went on: "He will never be faithful to one girl and has women falling at his feet all the time.”

They're no good down there, they need to land a little higher up.

Whether this is true or not it's interesing that all of this news is coming out around the time that his new album Yeezus comes out. There's no such thing as bad press, unless your pregnant missus starts to believe it.

>Read the source story
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11/06/2013

PRISM Snooping On Us - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Mr Steve N Allen live topical comedyEvery week, Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews goes live in Southbank, London at The Monday Night News Show.

Below is a short video from this week's show. In this video we talk about America's PRISM spy programme and how it has been spying on the UK.

Have a look...



Watch on YouTube or download the avi

At the actual gig we also covered the story of a man who bit a waiter, the French president's racist slur, the latest weather news and much more. Come and see the show live any Monday.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

P.P.S. You can subscribe to my YouTube channel to get these videos, or get them in your email by joining the SomeNewsletter list.
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09/06/2013

Man Bites Off Waiter's Finger

An Australian national has been arrested in Serbia for biting off part of a waiter's finger.

Wow. How long did he have to wait? I've had to wait so long I've eaten the bread rolls, but to be so hungry you start to eat the waiter is going some.

The police have said it all started when the 26-year-old Australian entered a cafe with his own bottle of alcohol and wanted to drink it. The waiter told him he couldn't drink it in there as only food or drink from the cafe could be consumed and then the man ate his finger. I guess that finger was technically meat that was provided by the cafe so they can't touch you for it. Well, the waiter can't touch you for it, not with his right hand.

People get very attached to the idea of drinking alcohol. If you offered him a wine menu he'd bite your hand off.

So, he bit off the end of the waiter's finger and I am assuming he spat it out on the table. Well, you should always leave a tip.

>Read the source story
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08/06/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 8th June 2013 - Snooping, Embarrassing & More

I covered another radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Saturday 8th June 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about the Government snooping, BBQs and embarrassing things you've done in public.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.



Download the mp3 or ogg

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And if you enjoyed that check out my SomeNews Topical Podcast.
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UK Spies On Our Google & Facebook

The Guardian tells us more about its snooping scandal. It's a tricky one. Some people have the attitude of, "Well, if you don't have anything to hide then you shouldn't really mind." Hmm, I'm not hiding anything in my pants but I don't really want everyone having a look in there.

The Guardian tells us that the "UK used Google and Facebook to spy on us". But then, even I use Google and Facebook to spy on people. If I ever want to make sure my ex hasn't got too much happiness in life I turn to my web browser. You can't mind if the Government finds out what you've been up to by looking at your Facebook page, Facebook is where you tell people what you're up to. You can't moan about invasion of privacy when you Instagram every flipping meal you cook.

In fact, the little worry is that these intelligence agencies are just Googling us. You expect better. It's like getting a taxi and seeing they use a sat nav.

The big worry here is that the Government thinks terrorists plan their terrorism via Facebook. Do these baddies organise it using Facebook events. "Al Qaeda invented you to Blowing Yourself Up In A City – Join, Maybe, Decline?"

Do they hold a tweet-up? "Suicide bombing today? Who's up for it? #YOLO". And if terrorism were planned using Google Hangouts we'd all be safe.

And it's only metadata, details of who you contacted, not what you sent them. If they could get access to the pictures of what I show people on Skype I don't think I'd like that. As I said, I don't want everyone having a look at what's in my pants.
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04/06/2013

Michael Douglas's Oral Claims - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Mr Steve N Allen live topical comedyEvery week, Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews goes live in Southbank, London at The Monday Night News Show.

Below is a short video from this week's show. In this video we talk about Michael Douglas and his claims that oral sex caused his cancer. We also find a solution to that problem.

Have a look...



Watch on YouTube or download the avi

At the actual gig we also covered the story of Tulisa's drugs scandal, the gay marriage vote in the Lords, Matt Smith leaving Doctor Who and much more. Come and see the show live any Monday.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

P.P.S. You can subscribe to my YouTube channel to get these videos, or get them in your email by joining the SomeNewsletter list.
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02/06/2013

Cancer From Oral, Says Michael Douglas

Cancer From Oral, Says Michael DouglasMichael Douglas has said he got throat cancer from performing cunnilingus. Sounds like he got his excuses sorted out from now on. Clever man. If you stop receiving you should stop giving. It's like the sex version of Christmas cards.

I'm worried. If people think cunnilingus causes cancer it'll be treated like smoking. They'll ban us from doing it in Starbucks. There'll be NHS campaigns to get us to quit. They'll bring out gum. I don't even want to think what the flavour would be.

In an interview Michael said, "Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus."

Oh my god, he might be right. It could be the cause of his cancer. I'm worried. I should get checked. Well, checked for fingertip cancer. And anyone who shook my hand during most of university may have been at risk of a secondary smoke effect.

HPV, the sexually transmitted virus best known as a cause of cervical and anal cancer and genital warts, is thought to be responsible for an increasing proportion of oral cancers. HPV is also the virus that has been vaccinated against in 18-year-old schoolgirls since 2009. So, if you want to stay safe only perform oral sex on women no older than 22.

I have decided to stick to that rule and it has really helped me health wise. I have reduced my risk of HPV to zero. I've cut my risk of all other STIs to zero. The only thing I'm at risk of is going blind.

>Read the source story
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01/06/2013

Cameron Holidays and EDL - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Mr Steve N Allen live topical comedyEvery week at The Monday Night News Show in London SomeNews.co.uk goes live.

Below is a short video from this week's show. In it we talk about the coverage of the holiday the Camerons went on, and the issue the EDF had with the EDL.

Have a look...



Watch on YouTube or download the avi

At the actual gig we also covered a survey about sex and phone use (yes, in the same survey), the French protest about gay marriage and much more. Come and see the show live any Monday.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.
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Bucket List Sends Women To Jail

Two women in America ended up in prison because of their bucket lists. Just to clarify, a "bucket list" is the new name of things to do before you die. It sounds more like the kind of thing Frankie Cocozza would have tattooed on his bottom if he only dated MILFs.

One of the things they wanted to do before they died was stealing something from a store. They were caught and now face charges.

Well, what did they expect? Just because something is on your bucket list doesn't mean you should get away with it for sentimental reasons, or all criminals would update their list. "Things to do before I die: Rob a bank..."

Police say 36-year-old Andrea Mobley and 38-year-old Jennifer Morrow face petty theft charges after stealing bathing suits and beef jerky.

I'm assuming just "stealing" was on the list. If your bucket list states "steal bathing suits and jerky" you're very much a details person.

Mobley said they were "two stupid women" doing something they'd never done before. She added she's ashamed.

But look on the bright side, if you put "go to jail" and "get touched up by another woman in the showers" on your bucket list, you can tick them off right away.

>Read the source story



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