02/06/2013

Cancer From Oral, Says Michael Douglas

Cancer From Oral, Says Michael DouglasMichael Douglas has said he got throat cancer from performing cunnilingus. Sounds like he got his excuses sorted out from now on. Clever man. If you stop receiving you should stop giving. It's like the sex version of Christmas cards.

I'm worried. If people think cunnilingus causes cancer it'll be treated like smoking. They'll ban us from doing it in Starbucks. There'll be NHS campaigns to get us to quit. They'll bring out gum. I don't even want to think what the flavour would be.

In an interview Michael said, "Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus."

Oh my god, he might be right. It could be the cause of his cancer. I'm worried. I should get checked. Well, checked for fingertip cancer. And anyone who shook my hand during most of university may have been at risk of a secondary smoke effect.

HPV, the sexually transmitted virus best known as a cause of cervical and anal cancer and genital warts, is thought to be responsible for an increasing proportion of oral cancers. HPV is also the virus that has been vaccinated against in 18-year-old schoolgirls since 2009. So, if you want to stay safe only perform oral sex on women no older than 22.

I have decided to stick to that rule and it has really helped me health wise. I have reduced my risk of HPV to zero. I've cut my risk of all other STIs to zero. The only thing I'm at risk of is going blind.

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