31/07/2013

Fifty Shades Causes Handcuff Trouble

Fire fighters have noticed a problem that's been caused by people reading EL James' Fifty Shades of Grey. And straight away you assume it's all those people who have been so angry about how badly written the books were who have gone out, burnt their copy and that's caused a fire that got out of hand. Thankfully, no.

The London Fire Brigade said since the Fifty Shades phase they have been called out to more incidents where someone has been stuck in handcuffs. It's a problem because it wastes the fire brigade's time, but on the plus side, if a kinky lady is all handcuffed up and loads of firemen turn up... sploosh!

They were called out to over 70 cases where people were stuck in handcuffs and nine instances of men with rings stuck on their penises. What an odd way to make a marriage proposal.

The Brigade said that in the past its crews have been called to a man whose penis was stuck in a toaster, and another with his penis trapped in a vacuum cleaner. Wow. Some men really are trying to impress their women, that's cooking and cleaning they were trying.

The Brigade advice was if you use handcuffs, always keep the keys handy. That can be tricky, because as soon as you've put them in the fruit bowl with everyone else's who knows who's got 'em.


>Read the source story

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29/07/2013

Cameron's Porn Block Plans - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week, Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews goes live in Southbank, London, at The Monday Night News Show.

Below is a short video from this week's show. In this video we talk about David Cameron's plan to block porn access in every home.

Have a look...



Watch on YouTube or get it via bit torrent


Come and see the show live any Monday.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

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NHS Boob-Job Woman Sues

Josie Cunningham's back in the news. She's the woman who got on the front pages after she was given a boob job on the NHS. That's the country we live in now, it's front page news when someone gets any kind of job.

She wanted to be a glamour model and at an expense of £4,800 we tax payers all had a whip-round and bought her some new boobs. In some ways it means her chest is like RBS - funded by the tax payer and, well, it's a bunch of tits.

Now the papers are saying she wants to sue the NHS for compensation, as the chest she was given is too large. There's been a backlash, The Taxpayers' Alliance hit out: "She appears to want to milk the NHS and taxpayers." Looking at the pictures, the feeling is mutual.

I don't know if she should've had the surgery or not, I am clearly not an expert on such matters, although I have probably put the hours of study in. The trouble with story is, if someone needs surgery to help them with a physical condition that is having a negative emotional affect on them, this kind of coverage could put them off seeing their doctors. If you vilify this woman you could hurt others.

But before we get too caught up in the empathy, it's worth remembering that you need more than just big false boobs to make it as a glamour model these days. You also need publicity. So, threaten to sue the NHS, whip up some anger and get yourself into the glamour business. Then she'll do well, pay tax. You see, we put the tax payers' money in but within a few years we could get more than that money back.

So in that way, her chest is nothing like RBS.

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24/07/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 22nd July 2013 - Royal Baby & Childhood Warnings

I covered a radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Monday 22nd July 2013.

In the minipodcast the got the news about Kate going into labour so we were all very excited about the #royalbaby, and we talk about things you were warned of as a child, and no one called in to say Jimmy Savile, interesting.


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Woman Take Horse to McDonalds

Up in Manchester, a woman was told that she couldn't take her horse round the McDonald's drive-thru. That's a shame as it was the only modern day practical use for someone with jousting skills.

So the woman took her horse into the actual McDonald's restaurant because she couldn't go round with the cars. She took it up to the counter and the guy working there said, "Why the long face?"

He probably didn't, but it's a shame.

Customers then watched on in horror as the animal went to the toilet on the floor. I heard a rumour that one of the customers got covered in horse shit. Don't worry, he's in a stable condition.

Police were called and the woman was handed a fixed penalty notice fine for 'causing alarm and distress' to customers trying to eat their lunch.

In her defence, I think people should be allowed to take their horses into McDonald with them. You know, visit their extended family.

>Read the source story

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20/07/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 19th July 2013 - Sweating & Hated Foods

I got to cover a radio show today. If you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Friday 19th July 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about how much the heatwave is making us sweat, and which foods you'd leave the room to avoid.

And to keep your eyes busy while you listen today's picture of me in the studio has way too much chest-wig on display. Apologies.

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19/07/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 18th July 2013 - Correcting The Sexism In Golf & Beach Nudity

I done a radio. If you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Thursday 18th July 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about the men-only golf clubs and what we get up to on beaches while on holiday.

And to keep your eyes busy while you listen today's picture of me in the studio has way too much chest-wig on display. Apologies.

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Daily Mail Sex Tips

Don't you just love the Daily Mail? It'll complain about dirty old men perving after young women, moan about young pop stars sexualising our youth and complain about the objectification of women in the media. And on its website it's none-stop bikini shots of celebs.

So, anyway, I was looking at its website. They had an article about the 6 things a man wants a woman to do the first time they have sex. As a man I thought I'd like to find out what I want, so I read the 6 items.

1: Give great oral sex

OK. No complaints so far. Well, you could save ink by not printing the word "great" but whatever.

2: Be active

Again, good advice. I had an ex who would just lie back and think of England. I think it was the football team. Very off-putting.

3: Not stress about your body

Wow, 3 for 3. This is the best piece of advice. There's nothing worse than trying to have sex with someone who's giving a running commentary on how bad their body is. It's like eating a meal while the chef stands there saying, "I think I burned the starter. Those prawns were off. Actually, can we turn the lights off while you eat?"

4: Don't stress about his performance

Nah, stress if you want. Just don't expect a good performance. And if you did, don't give feedback. We all know these days than a man can never compete with the space-age sex toys they make for women. We should stop trying. The difference between a sex toy and a man is like the difference between factory-made bread and home-made bread. The home-made won't be as perfect but it will keep you in the kitchen longer.

5: Let him know you're enjoying it

Yes. A Facebook like can go a long way.

6: Save the post-sex emotional fallout for your friends

I have no idea what that means. But if there are some emotions after a sexual encounter you don't have to bottle them up. We men are not so cold that we want to have sex with you and leave you to deal with your feelings while we go off looking for our next sexual conquest. We're not just sex obsessed beasts. You don't have to take your emotions to your friends. In fact, invite your friends to take part in the sex. Bonus.

>Read the source story

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18/07/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 17th July 2013 - Staying Cool In Heatwaves

I covered another radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Wednesday 17th July 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about how to stay cool in the heatwave.

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Liam Gallagher In Love-Child Trouble

Recently I heard in the news that there was some famous rock star who has been accused of having a love child. I heard that and thought, "Oooooh, this is exciting. I wonder who it is. I love a bit of gossip. I can't wait to find out who it is."

Then today in the papers we hear it's Liam Gallagher and I thought, "....fair enough."

The anticipation was so much better then the information. When I heard Liam Gallagher was said to be the baby-daddy I thought, "I'm more shocked he doesn't have more." At a decade and a half since the 90s I was expecting to see loads of hairy-eyebrowed little knobheads walking the streets of any town Oasis gigged in.

The New York Post said Liam was at the centre of a court hearing in the city listed under "Anonymous v Anonymous". I love the sound of a court case called that. It's just a shame it's not a case where someone's being sued for identity theft.

He is being sued in New York by a woman who claims she gave birth to his daughter less than a year ago after a one-night stand.

I don't know if he is the dad or not, and I don't care. It doesn't affect our lives so we should really leave them to it. But if I am totally honest I kind of hope he isn't the dad. I hope she got drunk, had a one night stand with a famous person, kind of remembered what he looked like and sued Liam Gallagher when she got pregnant. And when they do the DNA test it'll turn out that the father is the Honey Monster.

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17/07/2013

Cameron Gets Wrong IDS, G4S Get Wrong Prisoner and The Wrong Steve - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week, Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews goes live in Southbank, London, at The Monday Night News Show.

Below is a short video from this week's show. In this video we talk about David Cameron tweeting the wrong IDS, the person who pretended to be Steve on twitter for 2 years, G4S rip offs and more.

Have a look...



Watch on YouTube or get the file by bit torrent


Come and see the show live any Monday.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

P.P.S. You can subscribe to my YouTube channel to get these videos, or get them in your email by joining the SomeNewsletter list.
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[Radio Minipodcast] 16th July 2013 - Comedy Gig Plug & Fails

I covered another radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Tuesday 16th July 2013.

In the minipodcast we celebrate failure and mistakes, and we plug a comedy show with the most nepotism ever.

And look, there's a picture of me looking like a knobhead in the studio. It adds depth.

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Where Does Pasta Come From

I saw a headline that read:

"95.1% of Brits don't know where pasta came from"

And I thought, "LOL. Divs. It comes from the shops."

But that's not what they mean. Just over 19 out of 20 get the country of origin of pasta wrong. "How they can be so dumb?" you may ask. "Can't we stop these people having the vote?" you may protest. So, what country does pasta come from? It's China.

And that's not as in, "Tut, everything these days is made in China, no wonder the West's economy is screwed." That's actually the case, pasta was first invented in China. But when you go on to invent fireworks you probably don't mind Italy taking some of your spares.

The same survey threw up a few other interesting ones.

Worcestershire Sauce isn't from Worcestershire it's from Bengal. Which makes me really look twice at Red Leicester cheese. And Lincoln Green. And the Earl of Wessex; that's not even a place now!

Lasagne actually came from Greece. Again, those Italians with the nicking of others' foods. If pizza turns out to be from somewhere else I'm going over to Italy to have a word. Although the Hawaiian pizza isn't looking too good for them.

Here's a chocker, Vindaloo is from Portugal. They should've fought harder to keep the rights to that because it doesn't leave them with many famous exports.

Cheesecake is originally from Ancient Greece. They went about shouting Eureka when they got in a bath but didn't go mad when they invented that? Priorities, all wrong.

But best of all, French Fries are from Belgium. Well, that's what they speak there, so it's fair enough. If you name a food after what is spoken in a place, if the Houses of Parliament ever create a dish we'll be able to have a slice of Bullshit Pie.


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16/07/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 15th July 2013 - Mistaken Identity & Kissing Dogs

I covered another radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Monday 15th July 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about cases of mistaken identity and the story of a dog that came back to life.

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14/07/2013

Podcast 49 - Tour de France, NSA Snooping & Royal Baby

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 49.

In this podcast:

Urine Splash at Tour de France (starts 01:45)
Edward Snowden (starts 05:13)
Royal Baby (starts 09:06)
Interview Questions (starts 12:39)



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12/07/2013

Man Has Sex with Lilo

Best headline I saw today was:

"Man has sex with lilo"

I remembered that Lilo is the nickname for Lindsay Lohan but realised that can't be the story. There's no way "Man has sex with Lindsay Lohan" is newsworthy, or E! Entertainment would be running that headline so often they'd just use Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V to do it.

Turns out it was actually a lilo. A man was caught having sex with a floatation device.

The man is 34-year-old Edwin Tobergta, from Ohio. A witness claimed he saw Edwin "having sexual relations with a rubber pool float." In his defence, if you have ever tried to get on a lilo when it's in the pool it can look like you're trying to bonk it. And if it's a real struggle it even sounds like you're having sex with it; the grunting and saying, "Come here you little f***er! Stop trying to get away!" I don't always say that during sex but... nevermind.

The reason this story gets a mention is because it's similar to a recent item on SomeNews about a man who had sex with a sofa. The issue isn't that these men want to have sex with inanimate objects, I've been in relationships where it's felt like that. The problem is doing it outdoors. Why? Does your sofa like the thrill of being caught? Does your lilo only get wet in the pool? OK, bad example.

If you're going to be a perv do it in your own home. Whatever you do, don't do what Edwin Tobergta did. By having sex with a lilo you risk puncturing it. So he's let society down, he's let himself down, but most of all...


>Read the source story
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11/07/2013

London's Going Underground

There are new plans to put part of the South and North Circular underground. Hopefully not the bit near Wimbledon or those Wombles will be roadkill.

A report commissioned by the Mayor has concluded that large stretches of London's main orbital road should be put into tunnels in a £30 billion scheme to improve the quality of life. It's needed because the traffic round there is terrible, and more importantly, it's a stretch I use. I spend so long on Hanger Lane the sat nav on my Android phone thinks that's my home address.

Sources stress the tunnelling is not designed to make way for more cars but to improve the space at ground level for pedestrians, cyclists and parks.

It's interesting that these days you can't come up with a plan to help motorists, you're only allowed to help cyclists. Cars are seen as evil. The fact that I've admitted I drive in this article means I might get a letter from the Hague asking me to pop in.

Why can't you help drivers? Because of the emmissions? Well, since when did leaving thousands of cars to crawl along at 5mph help emmissions? Get them all up to 30mph and you'll save a load of carbon.

But we don't need to worry about this as it will never happen. We don't have the ability to manage such a massive project. I've always said if they tried to build the London Underground now we wouldn't manage it even though they did in the 1800s. The repairs to the Hammersmith flyover seem to be taking longer than it took to build the thing. We wouldn't be able to do it. But we shouldn't feel bad, Egypt wouldn't be able to knock together some pyramids these days.

>Read the source story
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09/07/2013

Sex And The City Cures Crabs

You'll meet many people who go on about how people these days don't read enough books, and that they spend too long watching TV. The assumption in there is that books are good for you and TV is bad for you. Well, since when did books fix up your genitals?

Yes, a new study has found that TV has been instrumental in nearly wiping out pubic lice. I'm not at all surprised. Some of the shows on TV like Embarrassing Bodies have put so many people off sex STIs must think there's a strike on.

But the TV show that has been helping wangs and fannies is Sex And The City. The show started the trend for removing pubic hair. After looking at those four women some men would've removed more than just the hair down there, so that helped too.

Doctors from the British Association of Dermatologists (BAD doctors? You're kidding me.) believe that they have now pin-pointed the moment the trend went global after an episode of Sex and the City which aired in 2000. Since then sexual health clinics around the world have reported that the once common complaint is now extremely rare.

It's interesting that the trend for removing pubic hair has been so helpful. It's actually a contentious issue. I was in a conversion with a woman after a gig recently who was talking at me about the fact that men preferring women without pubic hair is wrong. She said a lack of hair down there is a sign of prepubescence and that any man who prefers that to a hairy woman is in some way a sicko. The reason I mention this is that about 20 minutes earlier in the conversation she said she'd never date a man with a beard. Clearly a nonce.

So, the trend of removing pubic hair, while frowned upon by some, has turned into a positive news story. Well, for humans. Meanwhile in pubic lice news the headlines are: "Deforestation Kills Millions!"

And somewhere, the pubic lice version of Sting is holding a concert.

>Read the source story
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08/07/2013

Agonise Podcast: Why Do Men Run a Mile?

In the Agonise podcast Mr Steve N Allen and Ria Lina look at letters sent into newspapers' problem pages and give a more honest answer than any agony aunt could.

In this episode we help a woman who’s looking for Mr. "Right" but only finds Mr. "Right, I'd Better Be Going. Please Don't Call".

To find out more, listen below.


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