19/07/2013

Daily Mail Sex Tips

Don't you just love the Daily Mail? It'll complain about dirty old men perving after young women, moan about young pop stars sexualising our youth and complain about the objectification of women in the media. And on its website it's none-stop bikini shots of celebs.

So, anyway, I was looking at its website. They had an article about the 6 things a man wants a woman to do the first time they have sex. As a man I thought I'd like to find out what I want, so I read the 6 items.

1: Give great oral sex

OK. No complaints so far. Well, you could save ink by not printing the word "great" but whatever.

2: Be active

Again, good advice. I had an ex who would just lie back and think of England. I think it was the football team. Very off-putting.

3: Not stress about your body

Wow, 3 for 3. This is the best piece of advice. There's nothing worse than trying to have sex with someone who's giving a running commentary on how bad their body is. It's like eating a meal while the chef stands there saying, "I think I burned the starter. Those prawns were off. Actually, can we turn the lights off while you eat?"

4: Don't stress about his performance

Nah, stress if you want. Just don't expect a good performance. And if you did, don't give feedback. We all know these days than a man can never compete with the space-age sex toys they make for women. We should stop trying. The difference between a sex toy and a man is like the difference between factory-made bread and home-made bread. The home-made won't be as perfect but it will keep you in the kitchen longer.

5: Let him know you're enjoying it

Yes. A Facebook like can go a long way.

6: Save the post-sex emotional fallout for your friends

I have no idea what that means. But if there are some emotions after a sexual encounter you don't have to bottle them up. We men are not so cold that we want to have sex with you and leave you to deal with your feelings while we go off looking for our next sexual conquest. We're not just sex obsessed beasts. You don't have to take your emotions to your friends. In fact, invite your friends to take part in the sex. Bonus.

>Read the source story

Share:

Get the FREE SomeNews email






"Today's Some News email is hilarious... Subscribe if you haven't yet! Top stuff" 

Twitter

LIVE SHOWS

The SomeNews Live Show
See where the SomeNews Live Show will be next.

Contact

Written/edited by Mr Steve N Allen
If you need to get in touch email info@somenews.co.uk, call 07510334318 or Skype SomeNews.co.uk. See the About SomeNews page for more info.

Followers

Blog Archive