30/08/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 30th August 2013 - Morgan Freeman Twerking & Relationship Survival Kits

I gone done it again, covered a radio show and made a podcast of some bits. It was broadcast on Friday 30th August 2013.

In this mini-podcast we talk about Morgan Freeman defining the verb "to twerk", and a survival kit for a successful long-term relationship.



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And if you want to hear the rest of this week's shows here they are:
 Thursday - Wednesday - Tuesday - Monday

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29/08/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 29th August 2013 - Wrong Things & Zeta Jones

I covered a radio show again, the first breakfast show in a little while, so enjoy the time zone difference. I put together a little podcast of bits of the show. It was broadcast on Thursday 29th August 2013.

In this mini-podcast we talk about Syria, people completing the sentence "I know it's wrong but I like..." and Michael Douglas & Catherine Zeta Jones.



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28/08/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 28th August 2013 - Jamie Oliver

I covered a radio show again, the last of the drivetime ones for a while. I put together a little podcast of bits of the show. It was broadcast on Wednesday 28th August 2013.

In this mini-podcast we talk about Jamie Oliver saying that poor people can't cook in Larry's Entertainment News, One Direction's smell and other stuff.



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[Radio Minipodcast] 27th August 2013 - Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke & Fifty Shades

I covered a radio show again and I put together a little podcast of bits of the show. It was broadcast on Tuesday 27th August 2013.

In this mini-podcast we talk about Miley Cyrus in Larry's Entertainment News, news about the new Fifty Shades book and some other stuff. And today's podcast has a special intro, proving that I never said I was professional or organised.



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Couple Together Till The End

Spending too long on the stand-up circuit can change you. It means you see a headline and think of the cynical angle. Like this, I saw the news story...

"OHIO COUPLE MARRIED 65 YEARS DIE 11 HOURS APART"

Most people read that and think, "Aw, bless. That's cute." I read it and think, "I'm guessing the one who died first was the one who was driving."

But this story is one that can help to fight such cynicism. Harold and Ruth Knapke died in their shared room on Aug. 11, days before their 66th anniversary. He was 91, she was 89. Playa!

The couple's daughters said they believe their father willed himself to stay by his wife's side despite failing health until they could take the next step in their journey together. He went first - his children saw it as his "final act of love" - and she followed.

That's so nice I feel like welling up. To have been partners for that many years and to stay close right up to the end, is really moving. That's nice. They waited for each other to die. Most couples I know say that can't do that.

>Read the source story

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27/08/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 26th August 2013 - Cheryl Cole & Miley Cyrus

I covered a radio show again and I put together a little podcast of bit of the show. It was broadcast on Monday 26th August 2013.

In this minipodcast we get the latest on Cheryl Cole's rose bum tattoo. We also talk about Miley Cyrus and her VMA dance with Robin Thicke. And there are some requests, in a podcast, which doesn't sound that well planned but it'll work.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.



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Switzerland's Sex Drive-In

You know this website, never one to miss a news story that's about sex.

In Zurich, Switzerland, a "sex drive-in" has been opened. I'm not quite sure if the drive-in is the same as you get with fast food restaurants. Do you go to one window, place your order, drive to a second window where someone leans into the car and... actually, that could work.

The drive-in, located in a former industrial zone in the west of the city, just under the Medieval zone and next to the Aztec zone and... sorry, wrong map. It has a lane where the sex workers can show off their assets and negotiate a price. It's hoped that the scheme will be safer for the workers.

There are also nine so-called "sex boxes", where sex workers and their clients can park and conclude the transaction.

Basically, someone has industrialise make out point. You can park and get up to naughties. It's like dogging without the risk that rain could ruin it.

It makes sense that they would have something like this. It's a country famous for its Dignitas, so it's nice they make something else legal that's less moribund.

As a result of the drive-in opening, the central Zurich area of Sihlquai - where barely dressed street walkers have long plied their trade, openly and sometimes aggressively, to the dismay of residents and businesses - will become off-limits to prostitution.

It's like when large supermarkets drew people away from the High Street. It'll be good for a while, the customers will be happen but at some point they'll realised it's just not quite the same. And Mary Portas will be brought in to bring the old ways back.

So, we'll keep up to date with the developments on this story and wish the sex drive-in all the best. And maybe it will be as successful as the other drive-ins. It certainly puts the happy in the Happy Meal.

>Read the source story
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21/08/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 21st August 2013 - Food Injuries & Becoming Your Parents

I covered a radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Wednesday 21st August 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about the things you find yourself doing that makes you think you're turning into your own parents, your food-related injuries and some other stuff.

Today's picture from the show has me almost sleeping during a song. Lovely. And this podcast has "not broadcast material" again in the intro. But it also has one hell of a crackle in places.


To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.



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20/08/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 20th August 2013 - Phone Death & M25

I covered a radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Tuesday 20th August 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about ways you have killed mobile phones and the massive closure of the M25 the day before. Plus there's an added bit that didn't make the show today, at the end of the minipod.


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19/08/2013

Coffee Could Kill You

Health news. It's a nightmare. One week something is good for you, the next it's bad for you. Alcohol, sun bathing and masturbation have all received confusing reports. One minute they're good for your health, the next thing they're the reason why you're being asked to leave the municipal park.

Now we're being old that coffee could kill you. I first realised that was the case when I read in the news that US gun owners took part in a "Go Armed to Starbucks" week to thank the coffee chain for letting them carry pistols in the branches. Now there's a queue no one is going to push into. And it's a bad idea. I know what I'm like before I've had my coffee, and if there's one thing we know about people queuing up in Starbucks it's that they haven't had their coffee yet.

But that's not what this story is about. Scientists have found that drinking more than four cups of coffee a day could be shortening your life.

Yeah, you won't live as long, but you'll get more done in those fewer years, so it works out. It's like overclocking your computer's processor. Yeah, you'll burn it out quicker but you'll get more stuff done in the meantime.

I should declare a bias. I love coffee. It's my life force. It's like taking an antidote for the natural grumpy arse that I am. So I was upset to read that the research found the risk of death from all causes rose by more than 50% for coffee lovers younger than 55 who drank more than 28 cups a week.

Not "all" causes surely? I bet "death by falling asleep at the wheel" dropped. And there'd be a marked reduction in "death by being beaten up by your male friends when you ask for a green tea".

Dr Carl Lavie, from Ochsner Medical Center in New Orleans, said: "There continues to be considerable debate about the health effects of coffee."

Considerable debate. So there are good things and bad things. I guess, until they work it all out, there's no point losing any sleep over it. Which is good because with the amount of coffee I drink I only get about 5 minutes.

>Read the source story
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[Radio Minipodcast] 19th August 2013 - Scary Things & Greg Wallace

I covered a radio show, and if you missed it (or even if you didn't) here are some of the bits from it. It was broadcast on Monday 19th August 2013.

In the minipodcast we talk about the scary things you have done, Greg Wallace smacking someone, and a karate kid's life was saved.


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16/08/2013

Naked People In A Zoo

I like to visit zoos. You can often see something wild, natural and worryingly hairy, and today was no different. Hundreds of people ran naked around London Zoo.

It was men and women, some of whom wore body paint to look like different animals. I'm hoping there was a naked man painted to look like an elephant. And the other elephants in the zoo would be thinking, "Good luck trying to drink with that!"

They were raising money for a rare subspecies of tiger. I couldn't work out how running through a zoo would raise you money. The last time I went for a run naked I didn't get paid. In fact I had to pay a fine.  And now I'm banned from Farm Foods for life. (It's cold in there. That's my excuse.) But this sponsored streak had 300 runners strip off when the zoo was closed.  The only people who could watch were the sponsors.  You had to pay to watch. It's like porn but the naked people don't get the money, it goes to the tigers. OMG, these tigers are pimps!

And now you know that tigers are pimps I don't think it's sugar that Tony has been putting on those Frosties. Oh, the first bowl is free...


>Read the source story
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15/08/2013

SomeNews at the Manchester Comedy Festival [Ended]

The show has past now, shame you missed it. Find out when the next live show is in the Live Gig section.



Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews Live Show comes to the Manchester Comedy Festival


Come and see Steve's solo-show, looking at some of the news, the good bits, the bad bits and really weird bits.

What can the news tell us about our love-lives? How should we fix the UK's problems? Which of Jedward would you eat first in a celeb version of the film Alive? The news could tell us, and you'll find out in the show.

Taking place on Thursday 7th of November, with the show starting at 8:45pm, the SomeNews Live Show is on at...

The Kings Arms
11 Bloom Street
Salford
M3 6AN

Tickets are just £5 and you can buy them now, get the SomeNews Live tickets here.


The SomeNews show has been toured round many comedy festivals including Edinburgh, Brighton, Nottingham and Leicester. Here's what the reviewers had to say:

"His improvisation was impressive, topical jokes quick and practised on his tongue. This is a tight, upbeat show that I would recommend going to see." - Broadway Baby

"Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look." ★★★★ - Three Weeks

"Well informed wit." - Latest7

"What was evident here, is the performer is quality, his mockery, and the excellent use of accents combined with clever voice-over interaction; is a performer with masses of talent." - Fringe Review


So, book now, and see the show in Manchester, November 7th, 8:45.

This event is also listed on skiddle.com, viewmanchester.co.uk



Hello, Steve here.

Poster to help promote the showIf you can't make the show but you'd like to help here's how. If you are in or near Manchester you could be very kind by printing off an A4 poster for the show and putting it up anywhere you can.

There are two formats. Print off the jpeg or the pdf.

Please don't put it anywhere where you're not meant to or will get in trouble by doing. But a window, a notice board at work, in the back of a car, so many places and it will all help.

Thanks,

Steve :o)
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14/08/2013

Women Think of Sex Hourly

The same old survey has been done again. This time apparently men think about sex every 28 minutes and women think about it every 51 minutes. So once an hour women are in the mood? Great, but the trouble is, if we use our times tables, we can work out that our sexy thoughts happen in the same minute once ever 23.8 hours, and we're probably asleep by then, so no wonder we miss out.

The difference with this study is that it found women thought about sex more frequently than they used to, and the papers called it the "50 Shades of Grey effect". The theory is that so many women bought those books, realised they're rubbish and would rather go f*** than carry on reading?

The study asked students to record every time they thought about sex, food and sleep each day. I remember from my student days that'd be a very full sheet.

It yet again disproves the old saying that men think about sex every seven seconds. Of course that couldn't be true. That would mean we'd think about sex 514 times an hour. As if we men think about anything that much.


>Read the source story
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Dog Man Has Sex With Cat

Some stories are just so wrong. 28-year-old Ryan Havens Tanneholz, from Boise in Idaho, America, who dresses up as a dog has been arrested on suspicion of having sex with cat.

So much wrong. Let's take it one at a time. Firstly, don't try to f*** any non-consenting animals. Not that an animal can give consent. When a horse says neigh he means it!

Secondly, don't try to f*** a cat. They have sharp claws and they like chasing little balls around the place. And they like to eat things that smell of fish. Just everything about this situation is so wrong.

Thirdly, if you want to attract a cat, in a sexual way, dress as another cat. Cats sleep with cats, cats don't sleep with dogs. Cats don't even sleep with dogs to rebel against their dads.

I saw in a documentary that cats won't even mate with skunks even if the cat has a stripe of white paint down its back.*

Remember, don't try to have sex with cats. When your mates say you should go out, get drunk, and f*** some sweet pussy... well...

* Le Pew, Pepé, Little Beau Pepé, 1974.

>Read the source story
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13/08/2013

Blue Drivers See Red

A new and totally useful study has found that people who drive BMWs are the most aggressive. Oh really? I never guessed. We all thought the BMW drivers were zooming up behind and flashing us out of the way with love.

Blue BMW drivers are the worst offenders apparently, which is mixed news. It's good to know who the bad drivers are but you can't do anything to get them back as there's a strong chance a blue BMW is an unmarked copper.

It's unsurprising to find that men are worse for aggressive driving than women. Male drivers admit they lose their temper behind the wheel on average seven times a month. Seven?! Where are they driving, heaven? I can manage seven by the end of the road.

Women get road rage three times a month apparently. And let me guess, those three days when the anger happens are consecutive in the month, yeah?

Apparently 5.45pm on a Friday is the peak time for road rage. Is that because people are in a rush to get home to see Crackerjack? (I like my cultural references to be nice and up to date on this site.)

>Read the source story
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12/08/2013

Kelly's Danny Sext A Sugababe

Everyone seems shocked that Danny Cipriani did the unbelievable, he cheated on Kelly Brook. Why would you do that? It's like they say, why would you go out for a burger when you have steak at home? But the trouble with having steak at home is that you have to put a lot of effort into getting it ready. When you go out for a burger, it's right there on a plate.

And sometimes, even when you spend ages getting the steak ready, it can seem a little dry.

The latest rumour is that Danny sent lewd texts to Amelle Berrabah from the Sugababes while still dating Kelly Brook. This is what's wrong with the modern world. This would never have happened in the old days. With the original Sugababes no one would sext them.

Looking at the timeline Danny had a two-month fling with the Sugababe earlier this year, but he didn't stop the flirting when he rekindling his relationship with Kelly in February. And they say men can't multitask.

A source said Kelly was "humiliated" after discovering Danny was not only cheating with random strangers, but also celeb mates in their showbiz circles. Yeah, because having sex with strangers is totally understandable, he plays sport after all, but other celebs? Tut Danny, tut.

The problem is, men like him don't know which side their bread's buttered on. Which is a shame because they could stay at home and have a nice steak sandwich.

>Read the source story
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11/08/2013

Sexting Research

A scientific study has looked into the phenomenon of sexting - that's sex texting. I tried sexting once, it was great. It certainly got those PPI people to leave me alone.

The study found that 80% of 21-year-olds have received raunchy 'sext' messages and couples do it the most. Which makes sense because if you get a sexually explicit SMS from someone who isn't your partner, it's not sexting, it's a reason to call the police.

The same study finds that just under 50% of young adults have shared nude or semi-nude photos of themselves using a smartphone. Probably 50% of older people would send nude photos on their smartphone too, if they knew how to use their smartphone. As it is they'd sent loads of photos of their naked ear, close up.

The stats break down as around 46 percent of young people have sent revealing or nude photos of themselves to another person using a mobile phone, while 64 percent have received them. So that's 18% who are having a flirty relationship with a spam bot.

Apparently men send more sexts than woman and they send them to more people. I hope that means they're being unfaithful. If not it means they're just really bad at picking the right name from their contacts. As a man who once flirted by text with a woman who had the same first name as my sister I can tell you to double check you're sending it to the right person.

I think the advent of unlimited text bundles on mobile phones helps men send more sexts. If we had to pay per text we'd get the whole thing into 160 characters.

Wot U wearing? Tk off. Tuch self. Feel gud? Hrder! Fster! Now jump up/dwn on spot. Call me yr bich! God ye! Ye! Finished. Pls mk me a sandwich. :o)

I don't sex text, or sext as you call it when it's rude, I use Whatsapp. Or Twatsapp as you call it when it's rude.

>Read the source story
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09/08/2013

Justin Bieber's Flashlight of Love

Justin Bieber has a crafty little trick, he takes a torch with him into nightclubs. Can I just say, this is a great idea. I want to do this. It's so dark in there that a torch would really help. I could also use some earplugs, or even better, not go at all.

But the Bieber isn't using his torch to help his failing eyesight and impatience with nightclubs like I'd do, he uses it to spot sexy ladies. How idle! He's a man who has women throwing themselves at him and he can't even be bothered to squint. Put some effort in man!

I suppose, if you're so famous that women come up and whip their tops off you wouldn't want to miss it due to poor lighting. And that's why they call it a flashlight.

He uses the torch to pick out girls he likes. It's not without its down-side. If you shine a light near some of the women who like Bieber they end up chasing where the light shines on the wall like a massive cat.

The insider said: "Justin gets mobbed wherever he goes so his new thing is to use a flashlight to look for ladies. He shines it around so girls look up and then if he likes the look of them he leaves the light on them. His minders and friends then know who he wants and go and ask if they want to join Justin in the VIP section of clubs and bars."

What JB has really done is solve the age-old problem of getting off with someone in a nightclub, the lights come on, and find out you've pulled a two-bagger. He solved it. He's like the Einstein of pulling.

>Read the source story
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05/08/2013

Big Lump of Fat Found in London

Thames Water has issued a press release saying they have removed a massive lump of fat from London's sewers. I didn't even know Boris Johnson was going down there.

It was estimated to be over 15 tonnes and was made of congealed fat and used sanitary towels that people had flushed. I guess they flushed the sanitary towels, not the fat. In fact, if you're pooing out fat, forget about the state of the sewers, you want to get yourself down the clinic.

It's been named a "fatberg" and was said to be the size of a bus. So watch out, there'll be another two massive fatbergs coming along any time now, you know what it's like.

Apparently if they hadn't removed it it could've led to waste running out of grates.

The problem is people are letting fat run down the drains and it turns solid in the cold water and then builds up in the sewers. That's why I'm starting my new campaign to stop people grilling food, which releases a lot of fat, I say we promote frying. Especially items like bread and potatoes. They really soak up the fat. And if we all start eating more fried absorbent food we can all live to see a day when the sewers don't get blocked. As long as that day is within the next year or so as with that diet we won't be around much long.

>Read the source story
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