26/09/2013

Nude Haunted House

A nude haunted house has opened in America. Apparently you can go there and get the willies. Although I'm not sure that's a selling point.

It means you have to strip off before you can go into the haunted house on the special Naked And Scared Challenge night at Shocktoberfest in Sinking Spring, Pennsylvania. It's more to do with practicality than eroticism. If it is really scary and you shit yourself you've saved yourself the dry cleaning bill.

A spokesperson said: "Shocktoberfest has created this experience so their customers can explore a new level of fear. This is about fear and pushing oneself out of their comfort zone. This is not about sex. No sexual misconduct, inappropriate or disrespectful behavior will be tolerated.*"

* Which means Miley Cyrus isn't invited.

They have a good point. No matter how scared you are you will feel even more scared when you're naked. And to cut a long story short, that's why I enjoyed Insidious 2 and am now banned from Cineworld.

>Read the source story

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25/09/2013

Ukip's Slut Gaffe - Topical Stand-Up [Video]

Every week, Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews goes live in Southbank, London, at Newsday Tuesday.

Below is a short video from this week's show. In this video we talk about Ukip's Godfrey Bloom and his little slut problem.

Have a look...


Watch on YouTube or get it via bit torrent or download the mp4


Come and see the show live any Tuesday in London.

P.S. Here are all the topical videos from past Monday Night News Shows - check them out.

P.P.S. You can subscribe to my YouTube channel to get these videos, or get them in your email by joining the SomeNewsletter list.

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24/09/2013

Woman Swims Isle of Wight on Percy Pigs

Well done to Anna Wardley, she's the woman who swam around the Isle of Wight. I've been to the Isle of Wight. It's not great but it's not like you should go to such lengths to avoid it. You don't have to swim around it. Step on it, it'll be fine.

Anna managed the trip in 26 hours, 33 minutes and 28 seconds. The problem with a round trip is that you end up where you started. You could've ended up in exactly the same place if you just went to the shops and came back 26 hours, 33 minutes and 28 seconds later. But it's not about that, it's about achieving something. The thing is though, she's not the first person to do it. It was back in 1984 when someone swam round the island. Are we just doing all the old records again? It makes sense. All of the good things have already been done for the first time, maybe we should wipe the slate clean and start over. Can I be the person who discovers gravity this time please?

Apparently the key to doing this impressive swim is eating Percy Pigs sweets. Anna said, "I think in a way that's the secret to my success."

That's great news because it means if I ever want to swim round the Isle of Wight, I may not have done any training, but at least I've had plenty of Percy Pigs in my time. So I'm halfway there already.

>Read the source story

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23/09/2013

The iPhone 5S Already Has Bugs

The new iPhone is out, which as ever means that some people have taken the worst camping trip of their lives to wait to get one. Instead of camping in a field, with nature, they camp out on a street near an Apple store. That's not camping. They's like getting to swim with dolphins but in the shallow end of the local swimming baths.

I don't get the mentality. Why would you disrupt your life like that to queue for something that 6 months later you'll hate for not being the latest thing? It's not like people have always queued for phones. Heck, when Alexander Graham Bell invented the first one no one was lying in a sleeping bag outside his door.

There's a lovely irony that the release of a new iPhone, where people can't wait to spend lots of money on something they don't need that's manufactured by people in the East barely earning enough to live, looks like an Occupy protest to bring down capitalism.

With every release of a new iPhone comes lots of people trying to find the flaws with it, and in the new operating system, iOS 7, a bug has been found that allows users to dial numbers when iPhone 5S is locked. That's is shocking. People still use iPhones to make calls!

You can hear more of me talking about the new iPhone on BBC London 94.9 for the next few days. Listen on the iPlayer while the show is still on there. Click here to listen to the show.


>Read the source story
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20/09/2013

Style Ends At 46

New research says men let themselves go at the age of 46. Good news, I am before my time again.

Apparently that's the age when we stop worrying about our looks, or our eyesight gets so bad we think we still look great but can't really tell.

The same survey says women don't stop caring about their looks till they're 59, but they live longer, so that needs seasonally adjusting.

I don't know what the big deal is. I've always found that looking this good takes no time at all. You simply wear some jeans that you know you'll be comfortable in (which means not freshly washed ones as they dig in), some t-shirt that passes the sniff test and you're good to go. But don't worry, when I hit 46 I'm sure I'll really let myself go.

>Read the source story
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Mr Steve N Allen's Live Stand-Up Dates

Mr Steve N AllenCome and see Mr Steve N Allen performing live stand-up near you. To make it easier, here's an up to date calendar of places Steve will be working.

Just click on the entry to find out the details of the gig, the address, and often a link to buy tickets. And if you want to know more email dates@somenews.co.uk



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19/09/2013

Tulisa's Book Deal

A shocking story, Tulisa's book deal has been cancelled. Shocking because it's been cancelled and also shocking because she had one in the first place.

People often regurgitate the received wisdom that reading books is good for you while watching TV is bad. So instead of watching a documentary on BBC 4 and let my mind turn to mush I was all set to engage my higher functions and read the literary work of the former X Factor judge. Sadly, it is not to be.

It's probably because of the drugs scandal. Yes, that must be it, because no one seemed to mind the sex tape scandal at all. And now we are robbed of the book she had ready for us.

Have a listen to see what we are missing out on.


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Free Meals For Kids - DM

Front of the Daily Mail tells us "FREE SCHOOL MEALS FOR EVERY CHILD UP TO SEVEN"

That sounds like a fair trade. So if I take a child into a school I get a free meal? It's like a food bank but with the added bonus of getting rid of any kids I find hanging around. It's just a shame you can only trade in up to 7. I suppose it's there so tramps don't go round scooping up spare kids from bins to trade them in for meals. I may be thinking about soft drink cans, but whatevs.

It's a strange plan as, I don't know if you have seen any kids but, the one thing they look like they don't need is more food. Childhood obesity is a worry at the moment and they solution is to give out free food.

Then again, I can't judge. Another big concern in the UK is binge drinking among professional women and yet I try to buy them drinks whenever I can.



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18/09/2013

Nasa Will Pay you To Go To Bed With Them

I now have a plan for if/when this stand-up/radio/dog walking career doesn't work out. Nasa is looking for people to lie in bed for 70 days. If it wasn't for the fact the fridge is out of reach I'd have cracked that every 70 days.

That's not true, I guess. I leave the house whenever I get booked to do a stand-up gig. So I would only have got to about 30 days in bed. But still, good practice.

Nasa will pay £3,000 a month, which means it's better paid than stand-up, and it probably has the same amount of groupies.

During the 70 days in bed the volunteer can play computer games, use the internet, watch TV or read. Damn it. If it wasn't for the reading part this could've been a solution to the benefits culture problem in the UK.

They're doing a study to find out how microgravity effects the body during spaceflight. I like the sound of mircrogravity. I'd imagine the effects of it are far less than the effects of normal gravity. My moobs wouldn't sag less, my balls wouldn't be slowly making their way towards my knees with every passing year, my arse wouldn't look like two hairy clutch bags and most of all, I would weigh far far less.

Nasa. Sign me up!

>Read the source story

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13/09/2013

SomeNews at the Kingston Comedy Festival [Ended]

The show has past now, shame you missed it. Find out when the next live show is in the Live Gig section.



Mr Steve N Allen's SomeNews Live Show comes to the Kingston Comedy Festival


As part of the Kingston Comedy Festival in October the live stand-up version of SomeNews is on for one night only.  It's stand-up based on the latest, the strangest and the funniest news, with Mr Steve N Allen.  


Venue: The Cardinal, 174 Tudor Dr, Kingston upon Thames, KT2 5QG
Time: 3.30pm (Doors open 3pm)
Date: Saturday 26th October

Tickets are just £5 on the door. Be sure to arrive by 3:15pm.


The SomeNews show has been toured round many comedy festivals including Edinburgh, Brighton, Nottingham and Leicester, and this is your chance to see it. Here's what the reviewers had to say:

"His improvisation was impressive, topical jokes quick and practised on his tongue. This is a tight, upbeat show that I would recommend going to see." - Broadway Baby

"Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look." ★★★★ - Three Weeks

"Well informed wit." - Latest7

"What was evident here, is the performer is quality, his mockery, and the excellent use of accents combined with clever voice-over interaction; is a performer with masses of talent." - Fringe Review





Hello, Steve here.

Poster to help promote the showIf you can't make the show but you'd like to help here's how. If you are in or near Kingston (or even in London) you could be very kind by printing off an A4 poster for the show and putting it up anywhere you can.

There are two formats. Print off the jpeg or the pdf.

Please don't put it anywhere where you're not meant to or will get in trouble by doing. But a window, a notice board at work, in the back of a car, so many places and it will all help.

Thanks,

Steve :o)
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12/09/2013

Agonise Podcast: Office Nomance

In the Agonise podcast Mr Steve N Allen and Ria Lina look at letters sent into newspapers' problem pages and give a more honest answer than any agony aunt could.

In this episode we help a man who can't get a woman at work to fall in love with him.

To find out more, listen below.


Download the mp3.


     Subscribe with iTunesSubscribe via RSS feedSubscribe with Yahoo

Hear all the Agonise podcasts here
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11/09/2013

Vajazzle Woman Nearly Has A Sticky End

There are some headlines that grab you. I saw...

"I was almost killed by vajazzle"

This story chimed with me because that happened to me once. I nearly choked.

What happened in this case was a TOWIE-obsessed fitness instructor nearly died after having an allergic reaction to a vajazzle. I'm never sure about the reasons behind a vajazzle. No offence but it is a little like trying to polish a turd. No one has ever looked at lady-parts and thought, "This'd look OK if it had a little bling."

Shanelle Griffin was on holiday in Barcelona when she had the muff art done with a skull-and-cross-bone design in diamanté. Again, bad idea. Why would you have the logo that makes people think, "Oh, I shouldn't eat this"?

Under the minge bling she had the words "hot property" written in black henna. Shortly after leaving the salon Shanelle began feeling unwell and, back at the hotel, she passed out. Doctors were called and could probably work out where the problem was as she has a skull-and-cross-bones on her flange telling them where she'd been poisoned.

Shanelle had suffered a serious allergic reaction to the henna. I'm assuming there was quite a bit of swelling, which is why I'm thinking of getting it done.

>Read the source story

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06/09/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 6th September 2013 - Scams & Robocop

The last show of the run is over, it was broadcast on Friday 6th of September 2013. And here's the podcast of it.

In this mini-podcast we talk about a massive scam, Robocop and Celebrity Big Brother.



Download the mp3 or ogg

     Subscribe with iTunesSubscribe via RSS feedSubscribe with Yahoo

And here are the podcasts from this week...
Monday | Tuesday | Wednesday | Thursday


To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out my SomeNews Topical Podcast.
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20-Pound Coin Revealed

The Royal Mint has unveiled a new £20 coin. Tut. Why do they have to keep coming up with these new ideas? I don't like it, but than, I'm always uncomfortable with change.

250,000 have been produced and can be purchased for £20, which makes sense. And I'm glad there won't be too many of them. It's heading towards the situation when you go to put your pocket change in a charity box, see there's a £20 in there and are too embarrassed to stop yourself putting it in.

They say the item is not intended for everyday use although it is legal tender. So when you go in a newsagents and try to pay with a £20 note, they look at you, tut and say, "Don't you have anything smaller?" You can say yes and pull that coin out.

>Read the source story

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[Radio Minipodcast] 5th September 2013 - Tulisa & Rooney

Only two of these radio shows left. The one I did today is now in podcast form. The show was broadcast on Thursday 5th of September 2013.

In this mini-podcast we talk about the sad news that Tulisa's book deal has fallen through, Greg Wallace is dealing with his anger and Wayne Rooney's facial cut in Larry's Entertainment news.



Download the mp3 or ogg

     Subscribe with iTunesSubscribe via RSS feedSubscribe with Yahoo

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out my SomeNews Topical Podcast.
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05/09/2013

The Woman Who Woke Up Chinese

There was a documentary on the BBC recently called "The Woman Who Woke Up Chinese". It was great, but five minutes later I wanted to watch another one.

It was the moving story of a woman from Plymouth who suffered a headache, went to bed, and woke up the next day with a Chinese accent. It's a worrying condition that is very rare. So far in the UK there's only her that it has happened to, but so far no one knows how many people have suffered this but have gone undiagnosed in China.

She suffers from Foreign Accent Syndrome which is linked to headaches. It makes you wonder how all those foreign people cope. The woman said: "People automatically assume I'm foreign, for a start, then they like to try and work out where I might be from." Yes, damn people and their small minded ways, where they hear someone with a foreign accent and assume they're foreign. Bigots, the lot. Why can't they be more understanding and when they hear a foreign accent assume it must be the result of a condition that only 61 people have had in all of our medical history.

After watching the TV show it reminded me of a similar thing that had happened to me, and we talked about that on the radio show I was covering. You can have a listen below...


>Read the source story

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Chocolate Beer Spread

Look what you can now buy at Selfridges, chocolate beer spread. Hell yeah, that has my favourite words in it; chocolate AND beer. Heck, AND spread.

It's a brand new paste, called Birra Spalmabile, which mixes alcohol and chocolate like a single woman on Valentines. It's made by two companies, brewery Alta Quota and chocolate maker Napoleone.

The creators recommend using it on toast or as a cake filling. So, they don't recommend sitting there eating it with a spoon while crying, even thought that's what most of their customers will do?

Alta Quota spokesman Claudio Lorenzini said: "This is not the first time in Italy and in Europe that someone has tried to make a non-liquid beer." Sounds good to me. For a start I'd spill less.

Well, good luck to it. It's beer and it's chocolate in one. It's be a huge success. It's the CK One of spreads. There's something for him and something for her.

>Read the source story

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04/09/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 4th September 2013 - Chinese & Lauren from CBB

Today I was on the radio again, only two days left after this. I knocked up another podcast from the show. It was broadcast on Wednesday 4th of September 2013.

In this mini-podcast we talk about the new trains on the Tube, the TV show about The Woman Who Woke Up Chinese, and from Celebity Big Brother the news that Lauren had a fling with Russell Brand, in Larry's Entertainment news.



Download the mp3 or ogg

     Subscribe with iTunesSubscribe via RSS feedSubscribe with Yahoo

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out my SomeNews Topical Podcast.
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World's Bendiest Woman

I opened the newspaper to see images of Zlata, a Russian contortionist who is the "World's bendiest woman". I didn't see the headline and just though, "Oh my god, that looks like a painful accident. I hope she can sue."

But she's a former gymnast who now makes a living by showing off her flexibility. Well, she's gotta make ends meet.

Apparently she's broken several world records. If I tried to do what she does I think I could break a few things too.

Zlata is so flexible that she can cram herself into a 50cm squared box. She's the only person who can travel on Ryanair and find it roomy.

She said: "In Russia being flexible is a very good thing." Hey, in the West it's important to be flexible. Sometimes I have to work weekends.

Zlata added: "I don't really diet but I have to train very hard to keep my muscles in shape and to be as flexible as possible." I can't work out how to fit the phrase 'bending over backwards' into my reply to that, which is a shame as that's the only terrible pun I have left.

>Read the source story

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03/09/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 3rd September 2013 - Teletubbies & Cher

Here's another podcast from the radio show I covered today. It was broadcast on Tuesday 3rd of September 2013.

In this mini-podcast we talk about the bad news for Teletubbies fans, Simon Cowell, sharks and Cher getting her kit off in Larry's Entertainment news.



Download the mp3 or ogg

     Subscribe with iTunesSubscribe via RSS feedSubscribe with Yahoo

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out my SomeNews Topical Podcast.
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Man Faces Jail For Flag Pants Joke

A Malaysian business manager is facing a possible five-year jail term for suggesting that his and his wife's underwear could be used as a substitute for Indonesia's flag.

He wishes. If something bad happens to a state leader they'd have to wear then at half-mast, and he'd be in for a great weekend.

Broderick Chin was to be formally charged by prosecutors, after employees complained to police that he insulted the Indonesian flag. It's hard to imagine what it would be like to live in a country where insulting the flag would get you a prison term. Over here you can do what you like. We don't just say the Union Jack is like pants, you can actually buy boxer shorts with the flag on then. At one point in the 90s we used the Union Jack as the only thing stopping Geri Halliwell being naked.

Insulting state symbols carry a maximum five years in prison under Indonesian law. That could never work over here. Our jails would be full of people who did that thing where you fold a £5 and a £10 note and make the face of John McEnroe.

I don't think this guy was even that offensive about it. Here's what happened. His employees complained they could not find a red-and-white Indonesian flag to hoist in the company's premises on Independence Day. Chin said: "In that case, just use my underpants. I have red underpants and my wife has white ones."

And that's probably when his wife looked over to him and said, "Erm, I mean to say. I just did a load of washing. We both now have pink ones."

>Read the source story

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02/09/2013

[Radio Minipodcast] 2nd September 2013 - Cookery & Basic Skills

Today I covered another radio show in the afternoon. Here is a little podcast of edited bits from the show. Have a listen. It was broadcast on Monday 2nd of September 2013.

In this mini-podcast we talk about the latest bad news about our ability to cook and our lack of basic skills. And there's the reality TV show sending people to Mars in Larry's Entertainment news.



Download the mp3 or ogg

     Subscribe with iTunesSubscribe via RSS feedSubscribe with Yahoo

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out my SomeNews Topical Podcast.
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