Britney Spears songs are being used to scare off pirates in Somalia. Good news Syrian president Bashar al-Assad, you're no longer the most cruel war criminal.
Following recent attack, the plan is that ships blast out the songs of Britney Spears to keep the Somali pirates away. If you want to stop someone attacking you again I'm not sure playing, "Hit Me Baby One More Time" sends out the right message.
Merchant navy officer Rachel Owens, who works on supertankers off the east coast of Africa, and said: "Her songs were chosen by the security team because they thought the pirates would hate them most. These guys can't stand Western culture or music, making Britney's hits perfect."
Great idea. People have never attacked cultures that they don't like, so I'm sure you'll be safe.
Ships in the region are in constant danger from gun-toting pirates boarding and kidnapping crews for multi-million-pound ransoms. The pirates would be left with a choice, board the boat and get millions of pounds but while you're doing it you have to listen to Britney singing that's she's not a girl and not yet a woman, or just sail on by. The security people think the pirates' hatred of Britney is worth millions.
To be fair, the statistics back them up. In 2011, there were 176 attacks on ships by gangs of bandits off the Horn of Africa. So far the number of attacks by Somali pirates on the MTV VMAs is 0. You can't fault their logic.
There's a story in the news of a woman who donated a kidney to a man four years ago. And now they have got married. I suppose it's just keeping an eye on your investment. She'll be able to watch him, make sure he's treating it right. After all, she took a long time to grow it, she won't want him eating too much protein and not drinking enough fluids. That'd take the piss. Or maybe very much not.
It's Chelsea Clair and Kyle Froelich who met in 2009. Kyle needed a new kidney and Chelsea offered hers on the day they met in Indiana, US. I don't know what he does for a living but if he isn't a used car salesmen he's wasting a talent.
One year later he received that kidney and during the hospital appointments they attended together they began to fall in love. It's clearly a relationship based on trust and respect. Some men meet a woman and just try to get inside her. He did the total opposite.
They married on October 12 and in the vows instead of "in sickness and in health" they said "I offer you my hand, my heart and my soul, as I know they will be safe with you". Hand, heart and soul on top of the kidney? Jeez, greedy much?
It's a heart warming story and I hope they will be very happy together. And I'm sure they will. They'll never row for long. At some point she'll just say, "...and I have you a kidney," and she's kind of won.
A: Work-shy layabout.
OK, not a joke with wide appeal but some members of the Tory party would be lapping it up.
Fresh on the heels of telling people who can't afford their heating bills to just put on a jumper, Tory MP Daniel Kawczynski told a one-legged homeless man to "Get a job!"
I don't know what the MP thought that would accomplish. Maybe he thought the homeless man would say, "Now why didn't I think of that? I've been living on the cold streets for ages but if I'd have thought of getting a job I could have not been. God, I feel such a nincompoop now. Aw, what am I like?!"
It was interesting to read the story on the Daily Mail website. They must realise that they could judge the MP for saying "Get a job" because the first words on every single page of their website are...
..."find a job". Subtle Daily Mail, really subtle.
Ministerial aide Daniel Kawczynski was heard telling Mark McGuigan, who was born into poverty and lost a leg through drug use: "Get a job, find some work. Yes, I know it is hard, I have struggled too."
I'm sure you have struggled and it's hard to compare how bad someone's struggle is up against someone else's struggle. But I'd probably say, if you haven't struggled one of your legs off, you haven't had it as bad as this guy.
The incident happened outside Westminster Tube station on October 7 at around 8pm. And that's the detail that makes all the difference. I had total sympathy for Mark as a man who was minding his own business when some nasty politician came up and started bothering him about not having a job. But he was at Westminster. That's where the nasty politicians are. So really, he doesn't have l... no, I won't. I'll be asked to join the Tories if I finish that.
Morie Lenghor, Assistant Inspector General of the police and the game's creator said, "I realised that a lot of people don't like reading much, but what if I can put the highway code in a game that is attractive to young people." Yes, because young people are all about the board games these days. Oh, kids are always truanting off school to play Snakes and Ladders or to get a hit of Cluedo.
"It's played a bit like Scrabble," said Sarah Bendu, executive director of Sierra Leone's Road Transport Authority and someone who has clearly never played Scrabble.
I'd assume it's like Monopoly; take a chance card, "You slowed down in a box junction. Pay £60." Or "You kind of went into a bus lane because no one would let you into the next lane. Pay £60." Or "You need petrol. Pay £60." There's going to be a lot of paying if it's anything like real driving.
And if you throw a 6 and land on a West Minster Council car park, game over, bankrupt.
In the actual game competitors move models of classic cars around the board after rolling traffic light-themed dice. That's so unrealistic. Who gets to drive a classic car as a new driver? They should have to play with little figurines of clapped out old bangers, or even better they should have to ask their parents if they can borrow their piece to move round the board.
It has a good intention behind it but it makes you wonder, does game playing affect the way you drive? I hope not. I've got GTA 5.
The first? *fakes shock* How could it be that no one before thought, "You know what would make people enjoy the food here more? Making people think about how it'll end up soon." It's just goal-orientated eating. Oh, the number of restaurant reviews I've read in the quality press that lament an establishment's lack of visible shitters... is zero, but still.
The restroomaurant has chairs that are toilets that you sit on to eat. But they're not actually plumbed in, so the one benefit of such a set up is missing. If you could go to a restaurant and eat while actually on the loo you could order whatever curry you want. And when the waiter says, "Do you have space for dessert?" just tense up for a second and say, "Now I do." Oh, it's be a hoot. Eating while actually sat on the loo; they could call it The Elvis Grill.
Not only are the chairs like toilets to keep the lavatorial theme going, the dishes are shaped like little mini-toilets. And to really stay true to the theme the food probably tastes like shit.
The menu includes pork over rice and spicy shredded chicken. What a missed opportunity. Every item should come with sweetcorn. Tut.
Speaking at the Magic Restroom Cafe, one customer said: "It's really great and interesting for me because we wanted something new to try. This is a good atmosphere for me." There must be an air freshener then.
"Website Offers Condoms For Pets"
And I thought, "But they'd make terrible pets. They don't do anything, you can't take them for walks. You can sit and stroke them but it seems a bit pointless on your own."
But it turns out to be a website claiming to sell condoms for pets, as in "ones you put on pets". I'm assuming you'd have to put them on for the pets. It's hard enough getting it right when you have fingers, but if you have claws you'd make a right mess. Maybe that's why you hear cats making such a terrible sound at night; it's not the female cat says she's not enjoying it, it's the male cat putting the condom on with those razor sharp claws.
Just when I was thinking, "OK, some practical issues but this is a good idea and will help to fight the spread of cat AIDS," it turns out it was a joke website. The website sends you to a campaign from the San Francisco Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, which says, "C'mon, there's only one real fix, spay or neuter your pet."
You Google for condoms and end up on a website promoting neutering. If ever there was a good reason to be sure to read the details, this is it.
I did a joke on Twitter about the headline on The Times. They went with, "Profit is not a dirty word, says Cameron", and I said, "He's right. I tried to use it during sexting and got nowhere."
Someone took umbrage with that, and by the look it is, the problem they had with me was because I said, "He's right." I agreed with David Cameron.
They didn't see that those two words are needed to set up the joke. It can't go, "Profit is not a dirty word, says Cameron. He's over-privileged, entitled scum. I tried to use it during sexting and got nowhere." That just doesn't flow. If it's part of a joke you really shouldn't take it too seriously. If someone tweets, "Two bears walk into a bar," you don't have to try to find out which bar and call animal rescue. It's a joke. Even if you don't think it's funny, have the sense to recognise the format and go with it.
But it made me realise, some people are so blinded by party politics that they ignore the logic of what you say just to focus on their hatred of the people you're talking about. So, in honour of exactly those people I am going to do something that I don't think has ever been done on this website since it started, I am going to defend David Cameron. See, stupid people, look what you made me do.
David Cameron was asked in a radio interview if he knew the price of value bread, and he got it wrong. He said he didn't buy that bread as he "has a breadmaker". And he does. She's called Svetlana and she's on minimum wage.
But why is it a problem that he can't remember the prices of items in the shops? There's little to be gained by making our politicians play a version of Supermarket Sweep. We don't even get to see Dale, so it's pointless.
It's not like you'd ever need to send David Cameron down the shops for you. He'd be a terrible choice for that task. This is a man who leaves his own children in a pub so he'd definitely forget some items from your list.
And if he actually does go to the shops to buy bread I'd be the first to say, "Oi! Cameron. Get Tesco to deliver this stuff, you're meant to be running the country." So, he doesn't know the price of bread and I say, so what? That's not the reason to judge him. There are many reasons, but that's not one.
There we go, defending David Cameron. Next time, people on Twitter, read the context as well as the content, or I'll have to say nice things about Boris Johnson, and that could hurt me more than it hurts you.
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