28/02/2014

Comedy Podcast 56 - Rude Streets & Beard Transplants

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 56.

In this podcast:

Housing Bubble (starts 02:06)
Rude Streets (starts 03:27)
Japanese Housing Scandal (starts 05:18)
Beard Transplants (starts 05:51)

News that houses on streets with rude sounding names are worth less than other houses could fix the UK economy, there's a scandal in Japan and if you don't like your beard you can swap it these days.




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25/02/2014

Rude Street Names Cost You

We have been hearing recently how having a home that is on a flood plain can bring down the price of your house. Although some estate agents would just call it a "natural indoor swimming pool" and add money to the price. But there is another thing that can bring down the value of your property - the street name.

New research says streets with rude-sounding names cost less. That's bad news for people living in places like Crotch Crescent, Turkey Cock Lane and Bell End. And people in Shit Creek are up Shit Creek.

The study for website NeedaProperty.com looked for evidence of what impact living in a street with a suggestive name could have on the value of your home. Apparently having a Cock on your street can be a problem, which is something my neighbours say all the time.

Properties on streets with rude names were found to be around one fifth or £84,000 cheaper on average than other homes situated nearby. Who would've thought that a Minge could cost you so much, other than Bill Clinton?

Researchers asked people to vote for the street name that they would be most embarrassed to have as their address and top of the list is Minge Lane in Upton-upon-Severn, Worcestershire. Aw, I think Minge Lane sounds nice. It's a Minge duel-carriageway that sounds less attractive.

Next was Slag Lane in Lowton, Lancashire, where it costs £112,620 for a semi. Those are some expensive slags.

Number 3 on the list is Fanny Hands Lane, Ludford, Lincolnshire. I understand why no one wants to live there. Fanny Lane would be OK but Fanny Hands Lane seems so much worse. It makes you think of someone who needs to wash their hands more and has very hairy knuckles.



I talked about this on the radio. To hear the sketch have a listen below.




>Read the source story

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23/02/2014

Google Glass Users Warned 'Don't Be Creepy'

The 10,000 people testing Google's latest gadget Google Glass have been told not to be "weird or rude" when using it. So, it's a pair of glasses you wear that lets you film whatever you're looking at and they DON'T want you to be weird? Well, what's the point in buying them then? If you build something that lets you film whatever you're looking at, and you sell it to nerds, you have to expect a fair amount of creepy behaviour.

That's like selling those x-ray specs in the back of comics and assuming no teenage boy who buys them will try to look at boobies with them.

The best you can hope for is a shift towards more subtle creepiness. You may have seen a couple walking down the road and the man will see an attractive woman walking by and turn his head round like an owl to get a good look. Well, now thanks to Google Glass the man can remain in conversation with his partner while he simply takes his frames off and points them towards the target ass.

Google's etiquette guide also says: "If you find yourself staring off into the prism for long periods of time, you're probably looking pretty weird to the people around you."

But you have headware that can access the internet, you're going to look weird. The first person to spend every train journey looking at a little rectangle and swipe at it with a dismissive thumb probably looked like a freak, but now we're all doing it. The future will have humans looking off into the distance through their fancy "phone glasses". Why would you call the glasses a phone when that's the least of what they do? Why not, that's what our phones are like now.

Basically, don't worry about how you look, society will probably follow you one day. Proudly look like a prat and people will see you and envy the fact that you have far more advanced technology than they do. That's why I sit on trains looking off into the distance while the others swipe away at their non-phoning phones. And if they look at me like I am a weirdo I just point to my face and say, "Google Contact Lenses". And then they go back to swiping their phones but they look so jealous.

>Read the source story


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[Radio Podcast] Karma & Polite Rap

This week the show was about instant karma, the times when you don't have to wait for the universe to pay you what you have just deserved. We also got to talking about how polite rap will make everyone think young people are nicer. We were hearing about Simon Cowell's baby arrangements and we got the latest from Larry. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 23rd February 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section. And I'm on radio Monday to Friday in Reading on Reading 107, 2pm to 7pm.



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19/02/2014

Women Turned Down By Man Flies Into Rage

In "things Steve has found while Googling for sex" news: A 24-year-old woman was arrested after attacking her boyfriend when he refused to have sex with her.

Oh, good plan. Because if he didn't want to have sex with you before, demonstrating a really shitty personality will help to get you some action.

In said in the news: "Police bailed the woman who was allegedly so incensed that her boyfriend wouldn't have sex with her that she flew into a drunken and naked bloody tantrum."

I'll go a step further, if he sees you all bloody and in a state and he suddenly wants you sexually, you should dump his ass.

Listen, no one likes being turned down sexually but it is something that you have to get used to. I guess it's not that easy for her as she didn't go through years of being a bloke in the 90s. That's when I did most of my training. By the end of that decade I could be turned down by a woman in record time of meeting her and not be surprised by it at all. I was an expert.

The woman apparently has blood on her hands after she punched a wall and a glass picture. Police turned up and arrested her. So she didn't get sex but she did get covering in bodily fluids and ended up in handcuffs. I'd say that's close enough.

>Read the source story
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16/02/2014

[Radio Podcast] House Guests & Simon Cowell

This week's show looked at the annoying things house guests do, Simon Cowell's little baby, and the biggest news of all, the fact that I didn't get a coffee on the way in because of some builders. Ooooh, builders. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 16th February 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section. And I'm on radio Monday to Friday in Reading on Reading 107, 2pm to 7pm.



Download the mp3 or ogg

     Subscribe with iTunesSubscribe via RSS feedSubscribe with Yahoo

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.
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12/02/2014

Hugh Jackman Hosts The Tonys

Just been reading up on some entertainment news. Hugh Jackman is to return as the host of the Tony Awards.

OK. I'd guess, best Tony goes to Tony Hancock maybe. Best living Tony, erm, Sir Anthony Hopkins. Maybe a special acting award to him, or maybe to Tony Blair, depending on your view on the Iraq war.

Long shots would include Tony Hadley for best singing Tony and half of Toni & Guy might get best hairdressing Tony but it's only going to add tension to that partnership.

Anyway, it'll be the actor's fourth time taking charge of the ceremony. Jackman actually won an Emmy for his hosting duties in 2004.

I think that's weird, Hugh Jackman won an Emmy? I bet Emma Thompson was gutted. I thought she was a shoe-in.
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09/02/2014

[Radio Podcast] Happy Thoughts & Sochi News

This week on the radio show we were asking for your happy news to cheer up some penguins, we heard the latest Sochi fails from the Winter Olympics, and of course we talk about Justin Bieber, like we have for the last few weeks. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 9th February 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section. And I'm on radio Monday to Friday in Reading on Reading 107, 2pm to 7pm.



Download the mp3 or ogg

     Subscribe with iTunesSubscribe via RSS feedSubscribe with Yahoo

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.
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08/02/2014

Robber Robs Rubbers

Just when you start to lose faith in humanity, how about this? A man walked into a service station in Australia with a gun, sticks it in the face of the poor cashier, forces them to hand over cash and on his way out, he stopped to pick up some condoms. Wow. Some people are so thoughtful. Often men leave it up to the women to nick their own contraception. And hey, if any crook is putting the effort in to not reproduce we should all be happy.

This means, later that night, he'll be in bed with his loved one, and she'll say, "Have you got any protection?" And he'll say, "Well, I've got this gun..." And they'll laugh.

It definitely is the action of a man on a promise because the news article also said he "demanded cash and cigarettes". So he has the post-coital smoke sorted.

He was described as being of Caucasian appearance, about 170 centimetres tall, and wearing a black beanie and runners.

He wears a beanie hat? OK, scrap that. He should've just nicked a magazine and some tissues.

>Read the source story
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05/02/2014

Woman Rides Horse In Tesco

Have you heard of the NekNomination craze? It's all over social media and it's where people do dares and it ends with a drink. It's like the total opposites to many one-night stands.

Well, police want to talk to a woman who rode a horse into Tesco to complete a NekNomination challenge. I suppose the drink that you have at the end of that dare could be from their value range. She's saving money on this NekNomination. Every little helps.

21-year-old Inky Ralph was filmed riding into a Tesco Express in Bishop Auckland, County Durham. Admittedly it's not the first time a horse has been in Tesco but this one wasn't in a pack of 6.

She said: "It was something nobody else had done. It was just harmless fun." Harmless fun? I heard a story of someone who took a horse into a shop and it pooed on someone. That poor person was left covered in star and horse poo. He was said to be in a stable condition. Thank you, I'm here all week.

>Read the source story
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04/02/2014

Might As Well Face It, You're Addicted To Eyeshadow

A woman in America has an unusual problem, she's addicted to eating eyeshadow. She has decided to stop after doctors warned her it could be fatal. I'm not sure how it could end up fatal, unless you're not taking it from the tray, you're trying to lick it off the face of someone who's violent.

Brittoni, from Ohio, said: "It's just like a craving of your favourite candy bar." Yes it is. If your favourite candy bar tasted horrible and was made of minerals. I suppose they are low carb but it can't be good for you. Her boyfriend Josh said: "When she eats makeup, she looks like a clown went crazy." That's the look that I imagine women have after they do their make-up on the London Underground on the way into work, but somehow they never do.

Anyway, the 22-year-old said that she enjoys consuming eyeshadows, up to as many as 15 a day, and mostly loves the metallic grey, white and brown colours.

There's your problem, Brittoni. You're not getting enough greens.

>Read the source story
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02/02/2014

[Radio Podcast] Doing Lines & Fear of Clowns

This week on the radio we were talking about Johnny Depp's fear of clowns, the plan by Michael Gove to bring back old forms of school punishment, more on Justin Bieber and probably a few other bits. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 2nd February 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section. And I'm on radio Monday to Friday in Reading on Reading 107, 2pm to 7pm.



Download the mp3

     Subscribe with iTunesSubscribe via RSS feedSubscribe with Yahoo

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.
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Tattooed Man Has Banned Name

I've often toyed with the idea of changing my name legally. I don't have a problem with being called Steve but it's hardly the most thrilling of names. I was thinking of changing it to "Your Highness". At least that way, when I get pulled over by the police they would be forced to treat me with a level of respect I think I deserve.

Turns out, there are some downsides to having a silly name. For a start, most people will assume your parents were celebs, but more importantly it can lead to administration issues. Britain's most tattooed man changed his name to "King of Ink Land King Body Art The Extreme Ink-Ite" and now he can't get a passport. Even if he could get one, imagine the size of the thing to fit that on it.

Previously known as Mathew Whelan, he changed his name probably because he wanted to stand out from the crowd, as if being covered in drawings wasn't enough for the crowd to get the hint. He passport renewal was rejected on the grounds his new name was not appropriate. Because as well all know "King of Ink Land King Body Art The Extreme Ink-Ite" is a girl's name.

"This is a breach of my human rights", King said, "They want to put my birth name on my passport. But that is not my name any more."

Hmm, human rights gets brought up a lot. As soon as something does go the way a person wants it to they go on about human rights. Do we really have an innate right to be called by ridiculous names? Does calling someone by an old name really hurt their existence?

As much as I think people misuse the human rights angle, in this story, it doesn't matter what he puts on his passport. Let's be honest, you'd recognise that face.

>Read the source story
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