30/07/2014

Is It Because They Is Black

It's difficult to talk about issues to do with animals because people get upset. I did a podcast on the tragedy of the Costa Concordia and no one minded, but make one little joke about eating a dog and the comments you get are obscene. They don't seem to remember, no dogs were harmed in the making of the SomeNews podcasts. Unless there was a dog on the Costa Concordia, but anyway, you have to be careful.

So, where do you stand on cats?

Before anyone writes an angry letter, I know you are not meant to stand on cats. That's mats. I know.

But it's a cliché that some people are cat people while others are dog people. That can't be true or you'd have to have separate vets. You'd go to see a vet who's just saved a dog's life and he'd give your cat the finger.

Of the presumed sub-set of cat people there's an interesting discrimination that's showing. Black cats are less popular than other types of cats. That's right, cat people are racist.

Hundreds of black cats are being abandoned because their owners think black animals don't look as good in selfies. This is a terrifying fact. I don't look good in selfies (check my Instagram for proof), does that mean I'd be in the first of the humans to be abandoned should the time come?

The RSPCA says 70% of cats in its care in Britain are black or black and white. Some rescue centres have reported that people looking for a new cat often ask for a cat of any other colour than black, like the opposite of Henry Ford.

People are terrible. I suppose it's a small blessing that these black cats are being take into care and not gotten rid of in some other way. These colour-prejudice owners could've ended up eating their cats, only they probably Instagram every meal they have and still think the cat wouldn't photograph well.

An RSPCA spokesman commented on the fact that fewer people want to rehome black cats, saying: "There are a number of reasons for this, ranging from the fact that black cats are harder to tell apart than cats with more distinctive markings." Oh, so they all look alike to you?!

So what do we do to sort this? I say to you, it's time for positive discrimination in the cat world. Maybe it's time to bring in a quota system. By 2018 every single thirty-something woman giving up on men should have at least 10% black cats in the house full of felines she's retreating into.

Funding should be made available to promote black cats in Internet videos. They can play the piano on YouTube just as good as cats of other colours. In fact some say more soulfully but that's bordering on stereotyping.

Go on, get a black cat if you're thinking of getting a rescue cat, you won't regret it. Or to put it another way, once you go black...

>Read the source story
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29/07/2014

They Make Your iPhone Go Slower

I knew it! I f***ing knew it!

A new study has found that iPhones get slower just as a new one is coming out. A study by Harvard looked at the number of people searching "iPhone slow" and found it increases when a new phone comes out.

One theory is that when people hear about knew fast phones they start to notice how slow theirs is, but I prefer the theory that this means as soon as a new phone comes out the head of Apple (Steve Job's consciousness stored in a computer, like in Transcendence, but using the voice of Siri – but that's a different conspiracy theory) flips a big switch and it sends out a massage telling all current phones to go on a go-slow.

You may have noticed it. Just as soon as the new handset is hitting shops you notice that yours is taking longer to do things. The 3-second delay in opening a website, a 0.5-second lag when swiping – it all adds up and I can't wait, that's 3.5 seconds of my life, you pigs.

Yes, the current handset will still work, doing things like letting you communicate with people all over the globe, getting you information on virtually any subject and letting you record things around you in hi-def, but it takes 3.5 seconds longer than you'd like, the piece of no good sh*t!

There is a chance that it's not an evil plan, that when Apple release a new phone they tend to update the operating system which is optimised for the new phone's hardware and not the old one, but I think that's exactly what they want you to think.

The answer is simple – don't update things. When the software came out it was right for the phone, tablet or computer that it was put on. As time goes on the upgrades to apps or programs get more advanced and eventually they're too much for the machine, so you have to upgrade.

Save yourself the bother and stick with things as they are.

Regards,

Steve

(Sent from my Nokia 6210)

>Read the source story
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27/07/2014

[Radio Podcast] Learner Drivers and Spiders

This show, the final one before the break while the SomeNews Edinburgh Show takes place, we heard how spiders are the new birds, learner drivers are a menace on our roads, Lauren Goodger's sex tape is in the news and is Lindsay Lohan getting married? No. But still.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 27th July 2014.)



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26/07/2014

Staycationing or Holistaying

Ah, the "Staycation". Already I hate it. My main problem is that it is an adaptation of an American word, the vacation. We don't call them that over here and we should stick to our perfectly good set of words. We say holiday, so at the very least we should be thinking about going on a "holistay" but that's not catching on no matter how many conversations I cram it into.

Whatever you call it the holiday in the UK (holiUK?) seems to be popular with reports of a dramatic surge in demand this year. Whether that's because people like the idea of visiting our historic seaside towns or their passports didn't arrive due to the inability of our Government we may never know. Maybe it's a safety fear as there's a much smaller chance of being shot down by some separatists when you're on the National Express coach to Bognor.

But is it all rosey in the UK tourism sector? Let's take an example. One report out from Sheffield Hallam University suggested that although Thanet in Kent had the 12th biggest seaside economy in the whole country, the area had shed around a 1000 jobs in the tourism industry since 2006.

I'm not sure how that happens, a bigger tourism economy but with fewer people working in it. Are the tourists just spending more each per head or have some jobs been replaced by the self-scan tills? When you go on the fun fairs do you hear an automated voice saying, "Press #1 if you want to go faster"?

So why is Thanet doing so well? While it is true to say that Chas and Dave have been playing music festivals this year and in their set they do their song about going "Daaaarn to Margit" surely that can't have inspired that many more holidayers.

When a recession hits people tend to give up on their holidays. When the boom times are in people go abroad to some expensive destination so they have a really good answer the next time the hairdresser says, "So, been on holiday this year?" But we're in between. We're in recovery but we're not there yet, so people want to have a holiday but can't quite afford the big exotic destination. Some will go on cheap holidays to Spain (the reason they're so cheap is because of the Spanish economy and the fact you can get a free drink if you blow 20 blokes in a bar). However, some will be getting away in the UK. The rock with the placename in it (so you can workout where you are), the froth of the sea, to arcades making all kinds of nose and the fish and chips. What's not to love?

So don't go away, have a holistay (I'm still trying with that one) and enjoy what the UK has to offer. Plus, you can get a free drink from just blowing one guy if you pick the right guy.

>Read the source story



And if you are taking a trip to Edinburgh this summer (still part of the UK at time of publishing) come and see my Edinburgh Show.
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23/07/2014

Royal Horse Is A Drug User

Get ready for the latest royal scandal...

Estimate, the racehorse owned by the Queen, has tested positive for the banned substance morphine. So many questions now need to be answered. Will it be banned from racing? Will it have to give back the titles it's won? Does it go to the same dealer has Prince Harry?

The 5-year-old filly won the Gold Cup at Royal Ascot last year. Royal horse wins at "Royal" Ascot. How did we not tell this was a set up? It was the same with It's A Royal Knockout but we can't talk about that because of Stuart Hall now.

So, where did it get the drugs from? Well, so far the thinking is the positive test result was caused by contaminated feed product. Contaminated feed giving it morphine? That's not fair. When I have eaten gone off food in the past I've just had crazy shits, I didn't get to trip. It's so unfair because it's not like these horses need the drugs. They can get ketamine without having to try to be friendly with some aloof guy at a party who seems like he may have killed before.

It just goes to show that you shouldn't drugs. These horses get ketamine and morphine and yet still, you have to ask, why the long face? (Yep, pretty much every time we mention horses here we have to do a why the long face joke. It's tradition, like Christmas and burning witches.)

>Read the source story
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20/07/2014

[Radio Podcast] Brit Hols Traditions and When Birds Attack

On this show we heard about Arg from TOWIE's lovelife, the drop in people enjoying British holidays, birds are trying to take over from mankind, Kim Kardashian's mobile phone game and probably more.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 20th July 2014.)



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To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see the live radio page. Not many of those left before I take a break from radio to perform in Edinburgh.



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13/07/2014

[Radio Podcast] Places You Got Stuck and Adam's House

Meanwhile, somewhere on the radio, this happened. And in this show we asked about that places you've found yourself stuck, Justin Bieber's dating issues and we presented the Guide To Having Affairs At Work, plus we played the new feature Where Does Adam Live.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 13th July 2014.)



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To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see the live radio page.



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11/07/2014

Comedy Podcast 59 - Terrorist Phones, Bieber's Eggs & Nose On A Back

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 59.

In this podcast:

Phone Bomb Threats (starts 02:16)
Justin Bieber's Egg News (starts 07:00)
Woman With Nose On Her Back (starts 10:04)

In this episode we get a little World Cup talk, we look at the increase in security threat from phones that won't turn on, Justin Bieber got done for throwing eggs and we hear the story of a women with a nose growing on her. Oh, and a dolphin trainer who does things to the dolphins that maybe she shouldn't. Enjoy.




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07/07/2014

Gingers Face Extinction

We all know about the potential effects of climate change; we're in for warmer summers and Margate could be under water. So it was looking OK. But new scientific thinking has predicted that the change in the UK's climate could see the extinction of... ginger people.

I should state my bias in this matter. When I grow a beard is includes some gingery material so I am a carrier.

The red hair gene is a mutation that gives a greater ability to produce vitamin D when there's not much sun. If we could find a way to splice that gene with solar panels we'd never need to burn coal again. The ginger hair gene also has other benefits like helping you work out when one son shouldn't be an heir to the throne.

If there's more sun in the UK the evolutionary advantage to the ginger gene could be lost and before we know it the red heads will hold the same place in our minds as the woolly mammoth.

Dr Alistair Moffat, managing director of Galashiels-based ScotlandsDNA, said: "We think red hair in Scotland, Ireland and in the North of England is adaptation to the climate. If it was to get less cloudy and there was more sun, then yes, there would be fewer people carrying the gene."

As a carrier of this gene I wondered why. Just because the extra vitamin D wouldn't be needed doesn't mean the red heads will be less likely to breed, right? But if it's sunny outside all the time I suppose they'd never get to leave the house to meet a mate.

The fact that it is a regressive gene and that stronger sun can affect the DNA through pale skin more, there is a case to be made that it will slowly die out. So, what do we do?

When the pandas can't be bothered to mate we spend billions trying to save them. When the spix macaw dwindled down to the last few remaining birds we organised a breeding program. So...

What I'm saying is, we need to set up a red head reserve where people with the ginger gene are helped to breed. They can be put together in their natural environment and encouraged to mate and if that doesn't work I'm sure we can set up some sort of pen. We should act now before it's too late.

Did I mention I carry the gene? I'm free most Wednesdays.

>Read the source story
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Hotdog Eating Champ Proposes

There aren't many sports where I can imagine myself taking part, I close my eyes and fantasise about being a world class sportsman at the top of my game, so when I find a sport that makes me feel like that I become a big fan. That's why I like competitive eating.

Just in case the starving masses of the planet haven't had a bad enough day we let them hear about how we in the West hold contests to see who can eat way more than they need in the quickest time.

The latest is that Joey "Jaws" Chestnut earned his eighth consecutive world title in New York by having 61 hotdogs. A good day for Joey, but a bad day for the pigs.

Before I get too carried away we should remember that last year Mr Chestnut managed 69 in the same time. What the hell happened, Joey? You picked a bad time to start a diet.

He was probably just nervous because after winning the event this year he proposed to his girlfriend. Now that is a stroke of genius. Most men stage something romantic before they propose, setting the bar way higher than they'll ever be able to match for the rest of that relationship. But Joey popped the question after she had seen him sitting down stuffing his face. If she wants to marry you after seeing that she really is a keeper.

Joey got down on one knee before live television and a crowd of some 30,000 spectators and proposed to his girlfriend Neslie Ricasa. And they crowd were impressed, mainly that someone who eats that much can get down on one knee and then back up again without the aid of a crane or a TV crew from Channel 5 filming it.

His wife-to-be is also a competitive eater. So if you're invited to the wedding and there's a buffet at the reception, best queue for it early.

>Read the source story
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04/07/2014

Tiger Stressed After Cage Break In

There's a tiger in Kiev Zoo that is suffering from stress. I suppose if I was kept behind bars and forced to poo in the corner I might feel a little down about things too. But the reason this tiger is down in the dumps is that some drunken intruder broke into his cage and this really got to him.

What? Why was that depressing? It was a free meal. It was like his dinner had saved him the chase. And he was drunken, the meat was pre-marinaded. Surely that tiger should like the idea of flavour enhanced meat, he's in Kiev for crying out loud.

This legless chap (as in drunk, but if he keeps climbing into tiger enclosures it might be the other one too) jumped a fence, went up to the six-year-old cat, hugged it and shouted, "I love tigers."

Why is that depressing? He said he loved tigers. That tiger should see the kind of hate I get on Twitter. Jeez, stop being such a pussy.

It's because the cat was raised by zoo keepers that it doesn't see humans as food but rather as friends, so he didn't try to attack the drunk. So why did it upset the animal? I'm guessing it's because that guy went round to where the tiger lives, said he loved him, then left and was never seen again. Men, eh?

>Read the source story
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01/07/2014

[Radio Podcast] Cardboard Celebs and The Skive Guide

In this cover show we talked about Suarez's confession, celebs that you would carry round with you and we compiled the guide to getting out of work for a little while. Wayne Rooney's luggage problem was the subject Larry brought to us too.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Tuesday 1st July 2014.)



Download the mp3 or ogg.

     Subscribe with iTunes Subscribe via RSS feed

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see the live radio page.



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