31/08/2014

[Radio Podcast] Annoying Home Habits and TOWIE

The first Sunday show back and we were off to a good start, talking about the annoying habits that you find in the people you live with, Arg from #TOWIE went missing but, #spoileralert, he was found, and some other stuff.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 31st August 2014.)



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What Makes Sad People Sadder

I'm not saying I'm unlucky but I've not found much to make me happy lately. Finally I read a news story that said "Being miserable could be BETTER for your health", I cheered up, and realised I'd just ruined my health. Typical.

The new piece of research has found that making yourself smile when you don't want to can leave you feeling worse. They needed research to find that? We all know that from experience. The boss comes up to talk to you, you fake a smile, they crack a joke that's as funny as ebola testers in Boots, you fake a laugh, they walk away and as you feel your soul die you headbutt the table. Headbutting tables isn't good for your health, it's simple.

The theory is that forcing yourself to wear a smile when you are in a bad mood trains your brain to associate it with sadness instead of joy. The next time something good happens, you smile and it brings back the feelings of misery.

The study was carried out by Anirban Mukhopadhyay, an associate professor of marketing at Hong Kong University Science and Technology, who said you should wait until your unhappiness lifts before attempting a grin, adding: "Making people who are feeling bad smile could backfire and make them feel worse, because they may interpret smiling as trying to become happy."

In that case you have to feel sorry for Pharrell Williams. He'll be on stage saying he's "Happy" night after night even when he doesn't feel like it. He'll end up the most miserable git going. And as for Supernaturals, by the end of one rendition of Smile the rate of people throwing themselves off buildings has doubled.

It's good to know that faking a smile is bad for you. I can stop doing it on health grounds. The next time someone shows me pictures of their new baby I can sit there stony faced and say it's on doctor's orders.

I wonder if faking other expressions has a similar affect. If I pretend to not laugh when I see someone fall over will I link not laughing with finding something funny? And in the future whenever I'm not laughing I can't help but laugh?

Should woman stop faking orgasms over the risk that they may link orgasms to not having orgasms and before long they won't know if they're coming or going?

Either way I am pleased to read some good news for negative people like me. The last time I read something like this it was a real piece of research that said pessimists live longer than optimists. And I thought, "Knowing my luck I'll probably become an optimists before long."

>Read the source story
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29/08/2014

[Radio Podcast] EU Ban on Vacuums and Some Tossing

The EU is banning powerful vacuum cleaners and we looked at the negative impact, plus tossing coins became a radio feature, and Whatta Man's lyrics showed us where some people's dating skills are going wrong.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Friday 29th August 2014.)



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28/08/2014

Dirty Side of Vacuum Cleaner Ban

Not long till the European law comes in to ban vacuum cleaners over 1,600 watts. They are banning more powerful vacuums in a bid to save the planet. With a weaker vacuum you don't use as much electricity, mainly because you realise it can't suck up most of the dirty and you give in and live like a student. There is a theory that you spend longer vacuuming with a weaker machine therefore increasing the about of energy used but so far no one has tested that theory because I just thought of it just then.

Either way, will the ban on powerful Hoovers really make a difference? Not really. People will still use powerful vacuum cleaners, this ban will just push the trade underground. Instead of buying your 1,600W cleaner from a licensed dealer people will have to seek out an illegal one. That's a slippery slope because these dodgy dealers don't have any care about your cleaning needs. They'll start you off on a 1,600W but then they'll tempt you with a 2kW, maybe a 2.5kW. The next thing you know you're selling your body for something industrial strength.

And it's not just the end users who could suffer from this illegal trade in high-powered cleaners. The environment will be damaged by all the unregulated cleaning and spare a thought for the poor mule who has to shove a Henry Hoover up nature's pocket to get it into the UK.

Passing a vacuum that way can leave quite a mess. The kind of mess you can't clear up with a poxy 900W Hoover. You have been warned.

>Read the source story
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[Radio Podcast] If Star Trek Was Real and Immigration Solution

On the day when UKip gained a new politician we solve the UK's immigration problem, we workout what from Star Trek should be invented first, and we solve a coin mystery.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Thursday 28th August 2014.)



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A Town Full of Single Women

A town called Alice
Picture this, a town that is full of Brazilian women who are so desperate for men they've even written a press release about it. It sounds like the plot of a Carry On film where Bernard Bresslaw plays one of the Brazilian woman who can't pull. But it's not. It's real.

Noiva do Cordeiro, in southeast Brazil, has a 600-strong population that is entirely female, and I'm assuming one heck of a population of cats too. The women are tired of this situation. They want a man to sweep them off their feet and treat them like a princess but they're fresh out. One desperate female, 23-year-old Nelma Fernandes, saying, "Here, the only men we single girls meet are either married or related to us, everyone is a cousin." If you have to contemplate breeding with your own cousin you already are being treated like royalty.

Nelma added, "We all dream of falling in love and getting married." It's nice that there's a place where you can still find such a positive attitude to marriage, even if that is a place that hasn't seen an actual man for years. She said, "I haven't kissed a man for a long time." So it's kind of like you're married already. Stay strong Nelma.

But before any man reading this packs a case, buys a plane ticket, learns the Portuguese for "let's have some sex" ("Vamos ter um pouco de sexo"?) and sprays himself with 15 cans of Lynx, let's stop to think. Why is there a town with no men in it? Did they get really unlucky with the birthrate? Did the town's midwife used to work as a chicken sexer in China? Is the town hard to find and no man has ever stopped to ask directions?

The unusual settlement was founded by Maria Senhorinha de Lima, branded an adulterer and excommunicated after fleeing her forced marriage. Other women rejected by society joined her in isolation and the town with a "no male" policy was created. If you move to live there you have to work away in the week and only visit on the weekends. If you have any male children they are sent away at the age of 18. You know, sent away, just like what happened to the founder of the town, but for the crime of being male.

Yep, good luck with that single life. And give my love to the cats.

>Read the source story
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27/08/2014

[Radio Podcast] Annoying Habit Solutions and Kate Bush

In this radio show I covered we were talking about the annoying habits people have and what gadgets we could invent to solve those problems. We also looked at why Kate Bush didn't do certain songs, plus being horny, some maths and probably loads more.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Wednesday 27th August 2014.)



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And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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26/08/2014

EdFringe Video Diary: Happy Ending

Here's the last of my Edinburgh Video Diaries, recorded on my last day at the festival. It sums up my time there, from the cold at the start, the dip in week two and the great time I had in week three. Till next year then...

Here's the video diary.




There's more from Edinburgh on the SomeNews YouTube channel, youtube.com/mrsteveallen and more of what's happening on twitter, twitter.com/mrstevenallen.



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[Radio Podcast] Kate Bush & Things I Missed

Fresh from the Edinburgh Fringe I returned to radio to cover a drivetime show. In this one we got to talking about Kate Bush and how she hasn't done a show in 35 years, I asked to be brought up to date on anything I'd missed and the weather got a telling off.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Tuesday 26th August 2014.)



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And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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20/08/2014

EdFringe Video Diary: Google Glass

During my time in Edinburgh performing my shows (see here for details, and there's less than a week left if you want to see the show) I'm recording some video diaries. This is one inspired by the first time I met someone with Google Glass. I saw the future, and it is people walking around looking odd.

Here's the video diary.



There'll be more from Edinburgh on the SomeNews YouTube channel, youtube.com/mrsteveallen and more of what's happening on twitter, twitter.com/mrstevenallen. If you're in Edinburgh during the run come along and see the shows, info for those is at ed.somenews.co.uk




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18/08/2014

Julian Assange Coming Out

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has said he'll be leaving the Ecuadorean Embassy in London "soon". So far we don't know what exactly is meant by "soon" but it sounds like the unit of time used by a teen when asked to do something. In related news Julian also said he'd be tidying his room in the embassy and pointed out he didn't ask to be born.

It's hard to see how telling the world that he is soon to be leaving the protection of the embassy is good for him, but maybe he's so addicted to spilling sensitive information that he couldn't help himself. He's like Jim Carey in Liar Liar, even if it screws him over he has to get the truth out there. His next press release will say he sped, he followed too closely, he ran a stop sign, he almost hit a Chevy, he sped some more, he failed to yield at a crosswalk, he changed lanes at the intersection, he changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and speeding!

He said something rather cryptic when he said: "I can confirm that I am leaving the embassy soon, but perhaps not for the reasons that [news media] are saying." So far the news media haven't said it's because a parcel was sent to him but the postman just left a card and Assange has to go to the sorting office, so I'm guessing it's that.

Or maybe he's finally run out of honey and needs to buy more, because that stuff lasts for ages.

Or maybe the people at the Ecuadorean Embassy gave him a shopping list with things like a glass hammer and the bubble for a spirit level on it. Oh, the wags.

When asked to clarify what he meant he refused to elaborate, putting the Ass into Assange. No wonder the people in the embassy gave him that shopping list, they must be sick of him by now.

It will be interesting to see what happens because if Assange leaves the embassy in London he could be deported to Sweden (where he is wanted over sex crimes allegations) or the United States (where he's wanted for leaking secret information). But maybe the reason he's leaving now is because if you're going to be deported from the UK you'll need a passport, and if there's one thing we can't seem to organise at the moment...
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10/08/2014

How To Save The Pubs

Around 30 pubs close every week. That's bad for more than just the pub industry. If we lose our pubs most kebab shops will go out of business, late night taxis will earn less and uggos may never pull again.

Thankfully there are plans to try to help this situation. Brewers are being urged to temp customers with colourful descriptions of their beers. They think it will increase sales after new research suggested 68% of drinkers would try a new ale if there was information about it on the pump.

They mean things like telling you a drink is "clear and golden with a citrus aroma", which is also how sometimes I describe my wee wee, or "refreshing with coffee flavour", although that last one just sounds like a cup of coffee... and also how sometimes I describe my wee wee, which is worrying.

I remember from my drinking days that there is only one drink whose flavour is important, and that's your first drink. That first pint is all about the refreshing, clear, crisp taste that wakes your mouth after a long day at work. That second drink? Meh, who cares what it tastes like as it gets your there. By the fifth or sixth drink all you're looking for is something that'll stay down. By the ninth drink you don't even care if it's technically meant for humans.

So while putting "light and crisp" on the pump might increase the sale of the first drinks, it's upping the sale of the second to ninth that could bring about an 800% boost to sales. They should make labels for the pumps that say, "doesn't make you belch in the face of the person you're trying to chat up" or "goes well with Maccy D's". And if you really must go on about the flavour how about, "tastes of mild hops and spices... on the way back up"?

And as for the aroma, if you could invent an ale that has the "distinctive smell of having been to the gym and definitely not been to the pub", well, sales would go through the roof.

So that's the pub industry saved. Next week I'll be posting details of my plan to save the cinema industry in the face of illegal downloads by reminding people that you can't sit at the back and make out if you're watching a film you got on bit torrent. Well, not without it being really awkward for the rest of your family in that room.

>Read the source story

This story, along with many others, will be brought up at tonight's SomeNews: Extra Show at the Edinburgh Fringe, 9pm. Click for details.
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EdFringe Video Diary: The Walk Out

While I'm up in Edinburgh performing my shows (see here for details) I'm recording some video diaries. This is one inspired by the first person to storm out of one of my shows because she didn't seem to like me.


There'll be more from Edinburgh on the SomeNews YouTube channel, youtube.com/mrsteveallen and more of what's happening on twitter, twitter.com/mrstevenallen. If you're in Edinburgh during the run come along and see the shows, info for those is at ed.somenews.co.uk

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09/08/2014

Fat And Happy

New research says that dieting... wait for it... dieting does NOT make us happy.

Well poo the bed! Back up there Mr Boffin, you're saying that not eating lovely food like cake doesn't make us happy? Good work finding that statistical link out, now all we need to do is spend a decade trying to work out the reasons.

The research found that "those who slimmed down were almost twice as likely to feel sad, lonely and lethargic than those who stayed the same weight or got fatter". That explains why all those thin women I've hit on didn't look happy about it.

The problem is that people think they're going to live a better life when they are slim, probably because they get the wrong idea how happy thin people are from the media. I don't know why, they never look that happy on Comic Relief.

We always think that fat people are jolly but maybe it's just in comparison. It's the misery of the thin people that makes us larger folk look like we're full of the joys of spring, or at least full of something.

We often like to think that working out releases endorphins and we'll feel happier if we exercise but apparently that's not true either. The endorphin molecules are simply too big to cross the blood-brain barrier. And going to the gym, surrounding yourself with all those amazing bodies, is bound to make you feel down. It's like going to the Justice League and trying to feel good about your neighbourhood watch scheme.

So I think this is the time to launch my new lifestyle magazine called "Arse" – how to grow a big one, how to sit around on it all day. You won't live as long but at least you'll be happy. And if people start dying off younger that means I've also solved the pension crisis. You're welcome world, you're welcome.


>Read the source story




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