09/08/2014

Fat And Happy

New research says that dieting... wait for it... dieting does NOT make us happy.

Well poo the bed! Back up there Mr Boffin, you're saying that not eating lovely food like cake doesn't make us happy? Good work finding that statistical link out, now all we need to do is spend a decade trying to work out the reasons.

The research found that "those who slimmed down were almost twice as likely to feel sad, lonely and lethargic than those who stayed the same weight or got fatter". That explains why all those thin women I've hit on didn't look happy about it.

The problem is that people think they're going to live a better life when they are slim, probably because they get the wrong idea how happy thin people are from the media. I don't know why, they never look that happy on Comic Relief.

We always think that fat people are jolly but maybe it's just in comparison. It's the misery of the thin people that makes us larger folk look like we're full of the joys of spring, or at least full of something.

We often like to think that working out releases endorphins and we'll feel happier if we exercise but apparently that's not true either. The endorphin molecules are simply too big to cross the blood-brain barrier. And going to the gym, surrounding yourself with all those amazing bodies, is bound to make you feel down. It's like going to the Justice League and trying to feel good about your neighbourhood watch scheme.

So I think this is the time to launch my new lifestyle magazine called "Arse" – how to grow a big one, how to sit around on it all day. You won't live as long but at least you'll be happy. And if people start dying off younger that means I've also solved the pension crisis. You're welcome world, you're welcome.


>Read the source story




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