28/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] Misplaced Missives of Brooks Newmark and Jason Orange

In this show we feel sorry for Brooks Newmark for his direct messaging issues, Larry is upset about Jason Orange, sorry ladies, George Clooney is married and that doesn't affect you at all, and there's some extra content at the end of the podcast that didn't make it into the show - yes, extra content just for being a downloader.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 28th September 2014.)



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25/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] Recent Nostalgia and Triple-Chested Lady

I covered a drivetime show where the iPhone 6 and all its troubles made us long for the iPhone 5 and other recent nostalgia. The woman in the news with three breasts is a hoax and we got to the bottom of it. And I took over all the radio stations. It was bound to happen.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Thursday 25th September 2014.)



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24/09/2014

Do You Want A Cuddle

There's a new app called Cuddlr that's perfect for you if you like being hugged by strangers, and why not, I'm sure that means you're totally emotionally normal. It's a location-based social-meeting smartphone app just for cuddling. It's a great way to tell people you don't mind them putting their hands all over you and that somewhere on your person you have a smartphone. So good luck with the insurance claim.

Unlike apps such as Tinder that have gained something of a seedy reputation, with Cuddlr you select someone, tap on their photo and meet up for a cuddle but no sex. It has all the seediness, the covert parts, the judging people on their looks parts, just without the nice bit at the end.

There's also a function on the app where you can report someone if they act inappropriately. Oh no, that's horrible when someone does that, it's really upsetting. I bet you'd need a cuddle after that. See, that's how they get you hooked.

The app encourages you to hug any age or gender user, regardless of whether you find them attractive or not, and provides "gentle, no-pressure intimacy." I'm not sure I like this idea. I'm not a huggy person. It's because I tend to be a lot bigger than the kind of people who come up for a hug. I end up feeling like one of those big but simple kids who get through a lot of pet rabbits.

I suppose this app could be a good thing. Technology normally keeps us apart but this could help us regain some of that contact. In fact it could make it easier to have more contact than we used to. With this app you can find someone to hug in seconds, in the old days you had to put years of effort into becoming a Radio 1 DJ before you thought you could just grab a hold of anyone you worked near.

The best feature on the app is that the cuddles can be rated afterwards. That's like Trip Advisor on your hugging skills. No one wants a bad rating, that would be such an insult. And it's not like you could get cheered up after by someone giving you a hug, who's going to hug you, you scored 1 out of 5 on the hug-o-meter.

>Read the source story


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Leaked Nude Selfies - [Video]

The SomeNews Live Show is back. The summer break (break? It was Edinburgh) is over and it's time to get back to the business of weekly topical comedy shows. This week we look at the leaked celebrity nude selfies, aka The Fappening, aka Jennifer Lawrence's nightmare (why does the news seem to mention her more than the other celebs?). You can see the video below or follow the link to see it on YouTube.

Have a look...

Watch on YouTube, get it via bit torrent

See more videos from past SomeNews topical shows

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And if you're near London you can come and see the SomeNews Live Shows on Tuesdays.

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23/09/2014

Why Are You So Sad?

A new study has found that women spend 10 days a year in a grumpy mood. And after that first 10 days they asked the guy doing the study to stop following them round and then they cheered up?

It's actually the equivalent of 10 days broken up throughout the year, which in many ways is worse. It would be so good if you could get all your mood over and done with in a couple of weeks and then have a happy 11 and a half months.

The survey found that the causes of this moodiness include bad weather. If you live in the UK and you're only upset with the weather of 10 days you're pretty easily pleased.

The research also says "men who don't listen" were among the most common triggers of a grump. But the same research found that 68% of men admitted they zone out when their wife or girlfriend was feeling low. So the mood caused by not being listen to makes the man less likely to listen and the whole thing spirals out of control. The only person who can fix this is the man. Just "man-up" and listen to your partner and what she wants to say. I know that when you're in a good mood the last thing you want is the moanings of a grumpy person bringing you down, but you have to realise, that's what they want. When you're in a bad mood and you see someone who's not you have to spread it. As soon as you see that chipper person start to feel worse, somehow you perk up a bit.

The study looked at 1,000 women and 1,000 men found that a woman spends nearly five hours in a strop in a typical week, the men in their lives insisted it is actually closer to eight hours. The same gender related rounding error that gives you "6-inches".

In terms of cures for a mood, the most popular solution for women was spending "time alone", which if that can solve the problem of not being listen to you're a genius. But in some ways that's a good result. It shows that people realise no one other the themselves can be in charge of their mood. It's good to face up to that and take control.

Others in the survey listed shopping or exercise as a way of lifting the five hours of mood. That's information that you cannot use. As a man, if your partner says she's feeling down and you say that maybe doing some exercise might help, I think we know where that extra three hours comes from.

The study also looked at how long men spend feeling down and the things that trigger those moods, but that didn't get mentioned in the newspaper because no one seems to care about that.

But yeah, it must be terrible to not be listened to, eh?

>Read the source story



See also: "What makes sad people sadder?"
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21/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] People's Tell-tale Signs and Kanye's Wheelchair Problem

In this one we hear what happened when Kanye met someone who Kanye stand up, we look at the things that you can use to tell a lot about someone with, and we get my Estonia travel diary.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 21st September 2014.)



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Overweight Cops

The police in the UK are often accused of not sufficiently connecting with the community they are tasked to protect. Money is spent on outreach programs to help the people who make up our society feel like they are policed by people who have something in common with the masses.

So good news when we heard that almost 1,500 officers failed their standard fitness test last year. The biggest demographic in the UK is the biggest demographic, it's the larger people, the obese, and we're getting fatter all the time. When the UK became more ethnically diverse there was a push to make the police more ethnically diverse. Now that the UK population is getting fatter it makes sense that our police should keep up.

The statistic of the out of shape coppers has made some people worry that they won't be able to chase and catch criminals. One way to solve this is to make the police fitter again. Or go the other way. Make the police even fatter, apply some EU law that stops people losing their jobs because of BMI related issues, and then the officers will have to be provided with motorbility scooters. Just like unmarked police cars they could look like normal sit-on fatmobiles but they could have more powerful engines so they'd be pretty tasty in a chase.

The looming obesity crisis isn't a bad thing for the justice system. It's a changing world where the long arm of the law now has more folds. It won't be long before more crimes are online, performed by people who spend all day on the computer, so we won't need fit police. We can have fat cops chasing fat crooks. The bars on the jails can be further apart saving much needed money on iron. The police chases are likely to take place at a slower speed which is better for fuel economy. And most crimes will involve holding up a cake shop, which - while it will mean they'll have to put those exploding dye packs in bags of doughnuts - doesn't cost as much to replace as the contents of a jewellery store.

So, don't worry about the failing standards in police health. There are worse things happening in the world. And on a final positive note, when the police no longer push suspects down the stairs and instead push them onto a Stannah chair lift, we'll all sleep more soundly at night.

>Read the source story
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16/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] Customer Complaints and Beyonce's Baby

In this show we find out where all shops are going wrong, we see if Beyonce is pregnant again or not, and Caroline Flack comes in for some...erm... flack.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 14th September 2014.)



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Who's The Most Hated Passenger

There's a new study into the kind of people we hate to travel on planes with. I've only just arrived in Estonia after flying here yesterday, so I read this news while worrying that I was going to get a personal mention.

The second most hated passenger is the smelly one. I'm assuming that's not me. In fact it can't be me. You can't take more that 100ml of fluids with you onto a plane and I certainly ain't throwing away any toiletries so I just use them all before I get to departures. When I fly I smell gooooood.

There was a man on the flight yesterday who kept farting in front of me. He was sat in front of me, it wasn't like it was my go and he butted in. But you can't blame him for that because the air pressure. The same effect that makes your eardrums feel weird happens on your bumhole. And you wouldn't want to see someone do the bum version of holding your nose and blowing.

As I say, the smelly flyer is number two in the list, the most hated passenger is the seat recliner. You're saying most people would rather have someone's smell in their face than their chair. If someone reclines their chair you can get the space back by reclining yours. I suppose if someone lets rip on a flight you can make it better by mixing in your own brand too, but I still don't think it's the same.

Also in the survey parents who let their children run riot came in third.

They should be bumped up the list because they're also the nightmare at the baggage drop off with their 5 bags that they didn't bother to weigh so they have to repack while the rest of the world waits behind them. And taking kids on flights isn't fair because of the ear pain. Not theirs because of the pressure difference round the eardrum, ours from having to listen to them crying.

In fourth place it's the people who use your armrest.

So, tired stand-ups who spend most of the flight snoring didn't make the list. Excellent. I'm glad I didn't get a mention.

>Read the source story
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12/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] Best Free Things and Earthly Desires

The final one of this run of shows, and in this one we look at the saying "the best things in life are free" and try to work out what they are. Plus we ask what's the first thing you'd do when you get back to Earth if you'd been away. Larry talks about Mick Jagger and there's a ghostly vibe.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Friday 12th September 2014.)



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Would You Want A Burger That Looks Like This

Ever wanted to know what fast food looks like in hell? Me neither, but I'd guess it would look like the new black burger from Burger King.

It's the perfect meal for anyone who likes food so well done it was finished cooking before you even walked into the restaurant. It has the look of crime scene evidence rather than food but it's the latest thing on offer. It even comes with charcoal cheese. I didn't even know you could milk charcoal let alone make cheese from that milk.

I don't know why you'd want a black burger, that comes with black cheese, a black bun and black sauce, but then I'm not a hungry goth, but it's only on sale in East Asia. It's called the Kuro Burger and it was originally launched in 2012, and by the look of it they're still serving from that first batch. It's so successful they've launched two different types.

If you can't afford to fly there to try it just come and sample my home cooking. It might not taste the same but it sure has the same look.

>Read the source story
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11/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] The Left-Handed Show

All the topics today seemed to come from the fact that Apple's iWatch is no good for left-handed people. But we also talked about Kimberly Walsh's baby, things you can buy for 50p, and recommending hospitals.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Thursday 11th September 2014.)



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10/09/2014

Best Position for a Bad Back

I often mock researchers for working on trivial things when bigger issues remain unresolved. Recently we found that experts had found a way to make a teapot out of chocolate and someone studied if smiling makes you happy. But finally there's a piece of science that should've been sorted years ago.

Experts have worked out which sexual position is best for people with a bad back. Finally. As a sufferer (of a bad back, I'm not saying I suffer having sex. Well...) it's good to be able to get back in the saddle without risking serious injury. The first thing I learned from this research is that I shouldn't be using a saddle.

The experts say that doggy-style is officially the best sex position for men who suffer back ache. That makes sense. How many times have you heard a dog complaining about a bad back after sex?

A group of scientists at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, documented precisely how the spine moves during sex. It's not the part most focus on, but each to their own. Lead author Natalie Sidorkewicz said: "Before now, spooning was often recommended by physicians as the one position that fit all. But as we've discovered, that is not the case."

The irony is I injured by in the first place due to sex. All I'm saying is, lift with the knees.

>Read the source story
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[Radio Podcast] 50p and Scammers

We found that I was nearly scammed by someone who was pretending she needed help, we looked at what I could spend all the money I have for the rest of this week on (50p) and Katy Perry had a row.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Wednesday 10th September 2014.)



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She Did What On A Bike

There's a story in the news that reminds me of an old joke I learned when I was young. There were two nuns on a bike going down a cobbled road and one nun says, "I've never come this way before."
And the other nun says, "Yes, it must be the cobbles."

And that joke is a satire on the state of road repairs in the country or something like that. I don't know, I was young, I didn't really get that joke.

The news story that brought all of that back was one of a woman who was caught masturbating on the back of a motorcycle. If she didn't want to get caught she should've asked the guy driving it to speed up.

But reading on it turns out the bike wasn't even moving. I mean the motorcycle, I'm not judging. She was found sat on the motorcycle parked in a garage. That's a shame, or when someone asked her, "What's the fastest wank you've ever had?" She could've said, "About 70mph."

According to one report a witness called police upon returning to her home because "a half naked female was sitting backwards" on a motorcycle in the garage next door and was was seen to be "naked from the waist down and masturbating". I can't pass judgement on her, I know how tempting it is to get carried away when you have something large and powerful between your legs.

When responding to police questions the lady denied masturbating on the bike, arguing that she had only been "smoking cigarettes and drinking some beers".

She she'd finished when they got there then.

>Read the source story

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09/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] Sayings and Royal Baby Sequel

On this show we looked at the sayings that don't work any more, the way the full moon gets to us, Larry got into a royal baby mood which we tried to stop with our royal baby coverage.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Tuesday 9th September 2014.)



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Zombie Attack

A woman in America was arrested for breaking into a home and attacking a woman resident, while claiming she was playing a "zombie game".

Throw the book at her, lock her up, she's totally out of order. As if a zombie would break into a home. They're slow moving brainless creatures, a locked door would be a nightmare for one. OK, maybe they would smash through a window but only if they could smell brains.

She was charged with criminal mischief, assault, unlawful entry, harassment and attempted burglary. It must be terrible having someone who's like a zombie break into your house but in some ways they should take it as a compliment because it implies you have such a big brain you are tasty. In a world where most compliments are about looks it's nice to know someone wants you for your brains.

Apparently when she broke in she said to the occupant that she was part of a zombie game, which is totally breaking character.

I'm not a legal expert but if someone is on your property and they claim to be a zombie you're allowed to shoot them in the head. Maybe check that before you do though.

>Read the source story
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08/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] Ghosts and Complaints

It's a week of breakfast cover, so we have some busy shows. In this one we talked about the ghost that almost ruined a marriage and ask you about your stories. You can write your complaints in our new feature where you complain about Steve. There's more from Larry on Miley Cyrus and we get your money saving tips.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Monday 8th September 2014.)



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What Do Men Want

Have you ever stopped to ask, what do men look for in a woman? No, neither have I, and I'm a man, so I have some skin in this game (that's probably one of the things I want to be honest).

A new survey has looked at that very issue. It turns out that 40% of men don't like a woman who wears too much make up. Forget wearing a fake engagement ring when you don't want to be hit on, before you go out for a girls' night on the town get a make-over at the Boots counter.

Apparently we men like the more natural look. Wow, imagine that. We somehow evolved to be attracted to our own species. Go figure. Yes, the bright red lipstick, false eyelashes and thick eyebrows style were listed as a major turn-off. The trouble is that sometimes that gives the person the "sex doll" look, and if you're trying to attract a man who has a thing for sex dolls, well, he's probably already got his ideal partner. You're certainly not going to meet him in a nightclub. Maybe in the bike repair shop.

Other stats from this research include the fact that the average woman applies make up 1,460 times a year. Wow. That one shocks me. There are only 365 days in the year. That's 4 times a day. Assuming 8 hours of sleep that's putting on make-up every 4 hours. Strewth! If make up ran out would your own families recognise you?

But before we start to judge people for wearing too much, let's bring in some emotion so we have to feel sorry for people: 28% of women say they lack confidence without make-up. That's upsetting, and makes me remember what I used to say to an ex who was worried about such issues. I'd say, "Don't think like that. Don't fall for a system that's in place just to get you to buy more make up. Don't let the media tell you you have to look a certain way."

I'd also say, "You are who you are on the inside, it's not about make up, it's about the real you and anyone who knows you can see that no matter what."

And then I'd say, "So please, please... can I get in the flippin' bathroom."

>Read the source story
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[Radio Podcast] Flushed Pants and Items To Be Buried With

A crisis hitting the nation is the new trend of flushing your pants down the toilet, we think about what we'll be buried with and Larry talks iCloud leaked photos.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 7th September 2014.)



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A Chocolate Teapots That's Useful

You know that phrase, "It's as useless as a chocolate teapot". Well, you need a new phrase now. Some scientists have made a teapot out of chocolate that actually works.

It's not perfect because you can only leave the tea in it for about two minutes and you can't stir it, but it will make a drinkable, if rather chocolatey, cuppa.

Well now I'm confused. If chocolate teapots actually are useful maybe we need to reassess some of the other phrases. Maybe farts are welcome in spacesuits. Maybe a screen door is handy on a submarine, we simply don't know now. I feel sorry for all those bears who have no idea where they are supposed to be shitting. And the Pope must be at least a little worried he's got a circumcision in his future.

The key is to use a dark chocolate which has a higher melting point than milk chocolate, and you build the teapot in layers to form thermal insulation. You can brew for 2 minutes and if you don't stir the melted chocolate on the inside of the pot doesn't move into the bulk of the tea. It took a team of expert engineers to work on solving this. I mean, they could've worked on solving the looming energy crisis or issues of hygiene in areas where Ebola is rampant, or car safety, or reducing the amount we put into landfill each year. But they didn't. They made a chocolate teapot.

Still, even though we can't say "it's as useless as a chocolate teapot" any more we have found a new phrase you can use in its place. "It's about as useless as a team of researchers."

>Read the source story
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06/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] Why Are Men Silly and Wearing Foundation

In the final show of the drivetime cover run we find out that some men do some silly things and we try to find out why, plus I have an issue with shine. And we also do requests.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Friday 5th September 2014.)



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Sharks Are Sexist #Fact

#everydaysexism!

New research has uncovered inherent sexism and no one is doing anything about it. It turns out that sharks are 'nine times more likely' to kill men than women in unprovoked attacks.

These man-hating creatures have been attacking men, probably because of something in their past, and analysis shows that 89% of all recent fatal shark bites were on men. If it were the other way round there'd be Twitter campaigns, features on Radio 4's Woman's Hour, it's political correctness gone mad.

The team at Australia's Bond University were so surprised by the data they had to double check their results. They checked and it's real, sharks are total bitches.

Now, it is possible that sharks attack more men because more men end up swimming near sharks, but I think I have a much better theory. I remember reading about the male period; the fluctuations in the hormone levels in men. And as we all know, periods attract animals. The female one attracts bears and now I think the male one attracts sharks.

Research indicates the hormonal cycle runs over a six week period in males, causing an elevated testosterone level and thus, more irrational behaviour. And what's more irrational then going for a swim in a place that has sharks in it? See, this is starting to look like facts.

So men, if you're on your period, for heavens sake don't go swimming near sharks. Symptoms of the male period include no bleeding, no swelling and no soreness. So if you have those symptoms don't go near sharks.

That's the most sensible advice you'll hear all day.

>Read the source story
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05/09/2014

[Radio Podcast] Flaws We Like and Self-Policing

We now have to do our own policing, Steves don't do well in a survey and we look at the flaws that people have that we actually like. And I got a coffee from a different place.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Thursday 4th September 2014.)



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