21/09/2014

Overweight Cops

The police in the UK are often accused of not sufficiently connecting with the community they are tasked to protect. Money is spent on outreach programs to help the people who make up our society feel like they are policed by people who have something in common with the masses.

So good news when we heard that almost 1,500 officers failed their standard fitness test last year. The biggest demographic in the UK is the biggest demographic, it's the larger people, the obese, and we're getting fatter all the time. When the UK became more ethnically diverse there was a push to make the police more ethnically diverse. Now that the UK population is getting fatter it makes sense that our police should keep up.

The statistic of the out of shape coppers has made some people worry that they won't be able to chase and catch criminals. One way to solve this is to make the police fitter again. Or go the other way. Make the police even fatter, apply some EU law that stops people losing their jobs because of BMI related issues, and then the officers will have to be provided with motorbility scooters. Just like unmarked police cars they could look like normal sit-on fatmobiles but they could have more powerful engines so they'd be pretty tasty in a chase.

The looming obesity crisis isn't a bad thing for the justice system. It's a changing world where the long arm of the law now has more folds. It won't be long before more crimes are online, performed by people who spend all day on the computer, so we won't need fit police. We can have fat cops chasing fat crooks. The bars on the jails can be further apart saving much needed money on iron. The police chases are likely to take place at a slower speed which is better for fuel economy. And most crimes will involve holding up a cake shop, which - while it will mean they'll have to put those exploding dye packs in bags of doughnuts - doesn't cost as much to replace as the contents of a jewellery store.

So, don't worry about the failing standards in police health. There are worse things happening in the world. And on a final positive note, when the police no longer push suspects down the stairs and instead push them onto a Stannah chair lift, we'll all sleep more soundly at night.

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