30/11/2014

[Radio Podcast] Dodgy Accents, Black Friday and SuBo

In this week's show we look at accents, now that you can learn Geordie at university, and I tried to learn the local lingo. We also look at the avarice of Black Friday, even if we have to say avarice wrongly. And @LarryEnts tells us about Susan Boyle's new man.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 30th November 2014.)



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28/11/2014

How To Get Chocolate Farts

An inventor has found a way to make farts smell like chocolate. Don't you just hate it when someone beats you to your own research? He did it by making a pill that changes your body chemistry. That's a good idea. My research was taking me down the "putting chocolate up your bum" route. So far my results weren't positive. I found the Mars bar and Snickers were too large. But a Finger of Fudge was just enough.

The inventor, Christian Poincheval, says this will make farts smell nice. Either that or it will really put us off chocolate. If you walk into a room and you smell chocolate you won't assume the person in there has been eating it - even if you notice some little brown smudges on the chair they're sitting on.

Smells can ruin things. I remember how an ex once came home, put her bag down, and said, "Something smells nice, what are you cooking?" When I confessed that I wasn't cooking, I'd let one go, it put a strain on that relationship we never got over.

So, I am not sure that this invention, of a pill that makes your farts so chocolatey they even turn the milk brown, will make the world a better place. It will certainly ruin the fun of a Dutch oven.

Christian explained the thinking behind this behind air freshener: "We were at the table with friends and after a hearty meal, our farts were so smelly we nearly suffocated. Something had to be done."

And yet "not farting" wasn't his solution. He went about inventing a pill to change the way your body works rather than just hold it in. Tut, men.

The chocolate fart pill is the second one he's created, he's already produced a pill that makes your wind smell like roses. I've ordered both, roses and chocolate, and I'm all set in case I forget to buy Valentine's gifts. "Close your eyes, darling. I have a surprise for you..."

>Read the source story
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24/11/2014

Naked Man Drops From Airport Ceiling

Flying these days is a right pain. Thanks to the shoe bomber we have to walk through the airports without our shoes. We're all grateful the man who tried to smuggle explosives in his pants didn't succeed.

You can't take fluids onto the plane over 100ml and using those little bottles makes you feel like a giant. And some budget airlines make you pay for so many extras it wouldn't be a surprise to see a coin slot by the emergency oxygen masks.

But one thing you don't expect is what happened in an airport the other day.

A naked man crashed through an airport ceiling before violently attacking an 84-year-old. That must be terrifying. If you see a naked man fall from the sky what are you meant to think? That somewhere nearby is Susan Boyle with her eyes closed having just blown out the candles on her birthday cake?

Police have identified the man as 26-year-old Cameron Shenk (of course he's in his twenties – you don't feel like getting naked in public in your thirties, trust me) and he apparently stripped in a women's toilets before crashing through a drop ceiling. It's on most men's bucket lists.

It was in Logan International Airport in Boston and the pensioner's injuries are not believed to be life threatening. Shenk was arrested on a number of different charges including attempted murder, mayhem, assault and battery and he also assaulted a police officer.

What really upsets me about this story is that a naked man in an airport is the only person there would could get through customs with minimal stress.

>Read the source story
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23/11/2014

[Radio Podcast] Splashes, The Wrong Tools and Jennifer Aniston

In this one we find out the things you've been splashed with - and I edited out most of the rude callers on that one - we see if the wrong tools for the job are just as good, and @LarryEnts tells us about Jennifer Aniston's latest news.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 23th November 2014.)



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Hospital Of Love

Filed under: OK then...

A heavily pregnant woman was discovered having sex in a hospital while waiting to give birth. Talk about getting a head start on the next job. I bet she's the kind of person who did homework on the day she was set it instead of the night before it was due.

A cleaner at St Michael's Hospital in Bristol walked in on the woman, who was a patient, and her partner getting intimate in her private room. The cleaner then went and told the managers. I don't know why, you're a cleaner – give it five minutes and I bet there'd be something that needed cleaning.

The managers told the cleaner there are no rules against couples having sex so they should be left to carry on, as long as they are not disturbing other patients.

I like that last bit. You're on a ward where people will be screaming, crying and getting drugged up. If you can have sex that disturbs people like that, bloody well done to you.

>Read the source story
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19/11/2014

Want To Buy A Hug

I think I have found my next career. A woman called Samantha Hess has opened a "pro cuddling shop", where she hugs people for $60 and hour. That's perfect for me because I hate hugging so much I've always said you'd have to pay me to do it.

Why on Earth would someone want to go and get hugged by a stranger? And to make it worse you lose money after it. It's basically consenting to a slo-mo pickpocketing.

I realise that I might be slightly more hug averse than most, but even if you're a big fan of getting someone invading your personal space, why would you want a hug from someone who's just been hugged by loads of other people? That's worse than touching a handrail on public transport, think of all the germs.

Sam offers "the level of human contact that we want or need in order to be our optimal selves." So for me that would be $60 for an hour of waving from greater than 4 feet away.

>Read the source story
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16/11/2014

[Radio Podcast] Tattoos, Useless Items and Kim Kardashian

In this one @LarryEnts tells us about Kim Kardashian's bottom, we looks at the popularity of tattoos and we find out the most useless things from your house. We also talk weather, Ray Quinn, Stoke, and other things.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 16th November 2014.)



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15/11/2014

M25 Collapses

The M25 is probably the South's most successful tourist attraction. Thousands of people spend hours on it and, thanks to the Dartford toll (don't get me stated on the Dartford toll - it makes us pay for the privilege of sitting in a queue to pay), quite a money too. But, and this may come as a surprise, not everyone enjoys their hours on London's orbital motorway. Drivers were stuck in long queues this week when part of the carriageway collapsed.

It's the bit near junction 9; fellow regular users will know it as the stretch with the lighter coloured road surface that makes a louder sound when you drive on it. It always made me think that part of my car was about to fall off. For some drivers that prediction turned out to be spot on. When the heavy rain damaged the surface the remaining hole and/or debris damaged people's tyres causing flats.

How could a road surface not be ready for rain? Have you ever heard of the UK? We have rain. We have lots of rain. We're one of the few places where global warming will make us colder. Our weather is so bad I think at some point in history we pissed off Storm from X Men.

Here's the issue. As a driver, if anything goes wrong on your car while you're driving it's all on you. If your car spins because of low tread on your tyres that's 3 points per tyre for you. If something falls off your car it was your responsibility to make sure everything is working on your car, even though we're not all trained mechanics.

So, with that in mind, why can't we fine the highways agency for what happened on the M25? I know a car needs to be roadworthy but surely it's more vital that a road is roadworthy.

THEM: "Oh, how were we to know something needed fixing?"
US: "You're in charge. You should check before you use it."
THEM: "But that would take ages."
US: "This is serious. And that's why we have to give you a fine. That's 3 points for every tyre that goes over you and £60 per car."
THEM: "Where will we find that money?"
US: "Well, about that Dartford toll..."

>Read the source story
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03/11/2014

[Radio Podcast] Katie Melua's Ear and Best First Dates

In this show we look at the news of Katie Melua who took Halloween dressing up too far and had a spider living in her ear. You can get the perfect first date by listening to this, and Robbie Williams was in the entertainment news.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 2nd November 2014.)



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02/11/2014

She Needs A Bang On The Head

I always like a news story that sounds like it comes from a TV show or film. That's why I have enjoyed the recent story of the plane that was intercepted by UK fighter jets and forced to land at Stansted. It would be an action film because of the jets. Or maybe a horror film because they had to go through Stansted.

Here's another story that would seem like a terrible cliché from the writers. A woman in Auckland had lived most of her life blind. She banged her head and could see again.

If I were her I'd spend the rest of my life wearing a crash helmet in case it's like an on-off switch.

Lisa Reid has been blind since age 11 because a tumour was pressing down on her optic nerve. She knelt down to kiss her guide dog goodnight and hit her head on the coffee table. She woke up the following morning to discover she could see again. That's great health news for her. Bad employment news for the dog. It's just been demoted from guide dog to just dog.

She said one of the "most shocking things" was to see her "brother turned into a man". I guess, if you live with your blind sister, you don't always wear pants.

>Read the source story
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