16/02/2015

HSBC - The Bank That Likes To Say... Sorry

HSBC has issued a public apology over claims it helped clients evade tax. As a bank it's now in that panic stage you get as a driver when you see the blue flashing lights; you go from cocker clever dick to the most contrite person in the world. "Oh, I'm sorry, officer, I didn't mean to do it. It's just that I assumed I'd totally get away with it."

This follows the revelations that its Swiss private banking arm had "aggressively marketed" tax avoidance schemes to the wealthy. Oooh, those sneaky Swiss. They are gits when it comes to banking, but think of the Toblerone.

That's the problem with the Royal Bank of Scotland, it needed bailing out and all those gave us was millionaire shortbread, which is not as good as Toblerone and also shows why they're so bad with money.

Chief executive Stuart Gulliver said the bank had "no appetite" to deal with clients seeking to dodgy tax.

Yeah, those wealthy people don't like paying tax. There's a theory that the rich people are job creators and therefore benefit society so much they shouldn't have to pay tax, the workers they employ pay tax. But that means anyone who hires a cleaner could get away with not paying tax. The infrastructure of the UK would crumble, but at least it'll look tidy.

The trickle down idea of economics is like a champagne pyramid, where you have the liquid flowing into the top one and the overspill fills the rows below it. The problem is, a rich person is like a champagne glass that has the ability to store champagne off shore. It means there's less left to trickle down. And the second level stores more drink till eventually the glasses near the bottom stay dry.

Stuart Gulliver also corrected an allegation. He pointed out that reports that the Swiss bank had 100,000 clients on its books were wrong. It had 30,000 accounts. Oh you saints.

Is this the most damaging banking apology? I'm not sure. I think the current Nat West ad campaign is worse. The claim they're "saying goodbye to unfair banking". Isn't that admitting you've been doing unfair banking?

"Hi honey, I'm home. And good news, I'm saying goodbye to screwing the neighbour."
"Oh, darling, that's gre...... whaaaaat!?"
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