26/03/2015

Drugs For Pets

A Nevada lawmaker proposed a bill in the state legislature that would grant ailing pets access to medical marijuana.

It seems silly, but there's no downside. What can drug use do to animals? If you watch Jeremy Kyle he'll have a go at cannabis users who sit round all day doing nothing with their lives (erm, you're on daytime TV Jezza, they're your target demo), but if your dog gets into drugs it's not like it'll stop your dog from holding down a career.

Getting high can chill you out and make you want to eat all the time - which is exactly what dogs are already like. You'll never tell the difference.

OK, some studies have linked marijuana use to antisocial behaviour and paranoia - which is exactly how cats are. You'll never notice the difference.

The measure, put forward by Democrat Tick Segerblom, would let owners obtain the drug for their animals if a veterinarian confirmed it "may mitigate the symptoms or effects" of a chronic or debilitating medical condition. There is a risk that some people will be using an ill pet to get their hands on drugs.

MAN: "Hey vet, you gotta help. He's as sick as a parrot."
VET: "He is a parrot."

I think it makes sense to give drugs to animals if it will help them. I'd draw the line at giving cannabis to drug sniffer dogs. That's just cruel. Sniffer dogs are trained to sit down when they smell drugs and they'd smell it on themselves. They'd just sit there doing nothing. They'd end up being a Jeremy Kyle viewer.
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News500 - Japan goes Speed Dating, ISIS eye the Underground [Video]

Here's another News500, a topical comedy show on the web. This time we hear about David Cameron's third term fail, angry hunting animals, Natalie Bennet's maths, pensions Japan's sex rate and more.



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24/03/2015

Flag Burning Starting To Flag

Nine people have been arrested after flags were burned during a far-right demonstration in Newcastle. It's a tricky debate, isn't it; should burning a flag be illegal. I grew up in a smokeless zone, so I'm used to it being prohibited. And remember, if you aren't going to burn a pile of flags, make sure there aren't any hedgehogs under it. Be a far right violent protester, but don't be a dick about it.

It's such an odd symbolic protest, burning a flag. It doesn't really cause your target much of an inconvenience, because it wasn't never their flag, was it. It was a flag that you bought and you burned it. It's costing money. At least if you play Quake III Arena and capture a flag you take it from them. This is like buying a copy of the red team's flag and capturing that.

About 100 people took part in the protest by National Action on the city's Quayside, Northumbria Police said. Or course any heat from the burning flag meant that they were right to not wear a coat out in the chilling weather.

I guess there are some situations in which burning a flag could be a serious offence. Like if that flag was wrapped around someone. But if we let ourselves be offended by symbolic actions we're winding ourselves up. Like in Men In Black when the bad guy gets upset when people stand on cockroaches. At least he was related to cockroaches. People aren't related to flags. Unless they're really thin in the body with a wavy head. No wonder Russell Brand is such an activist these days.

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SomeNews on Fubar: Episode 8 - A show that deals with the wisdom [Listen]

The SomeNews project has a new arm, the radio show broadcast on Fubar Radio every Monday from 10am till 1pm, where we look at the news, from the big stories to the silly items that shouldn't even trouble the tabloid pages. And now those shows are available as a podcast. You can get them on the SomeNews iTunes page or use the SomeNews RSS feed to subscribe.

Here's episode 8. In it we talk about the secret to living 104 years, the relationship between women and food, how to light your garden, the latest political scandal and a protest with Nigel Farage.




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Dr Pepper Keeps Woman Alive For 104 Years

A 104-year-old woman in America has put her longevity down to drinking Dr Pepper. And before Obamacare that was the only doctor she could get.

You know the phrase that goes with Dr Pepper, "what's the worst that can happen", well, it turned out the worst is to live to 104-years-old. Yep, that makes sense.

She said: "Well at 103 I didn’t think I’d make it, but I’m still perking along." That must be the thing about each birthday when you're that old, you must assume it's your last one. Like when you're playing a computer game and going for a high score, you know you aren't going to be scoring like this again. She's on a run at this chalking up years lark.

Elizabeth Sullivan said: "People try to give me coffee for breakfast." Just coffee? I'm in my 30s and I need a Red Bull to get going. If I make it to 104 I assume I'll been speed and a 9-volt battery up the tradesmans to get the say started.

She said about her Dr Pepper habit: "I started drinking them about 40 years ago. Three a day. Every doctor that sees me says they’ll kill you, but they die and I don’t." Wow. Way to rub it in. I bet she turns up to their funerals laughing and opening cans of the stuff and pouring it into the open casket.

These news stories always come out where someone lives to a ripe old age and they put it down to the whisky drinking, the smoking, the long sting of hookers. Meanwhile I'm trying to avoid red meat, alcohol and fun. I might not live to 104 years old but it sure feels like it.

She even got a gift basket straight from the CEO of Dr. Pepper Snapple Group, Larry Young. A gift basket? She should get a lifetime supply. Which works out to... a gift basket.

>Read the source story
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22/03/2015

[Radio Podcast] Your Remains and Lucky Charms

In this show we talk about the the lucky charms that you have in life to help you out, Louis and Eleanor's relationship trouble, and after the reburial of Richard III we ask about your remains.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 22nd March 2015.)




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Hear the show live next week, 7am till midday, Sunday. Get the info on how to listen here. And every Monday morning you can hear the SomeNews show on Fubar Radio.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
All past episodes can be found in the radio podcast archive.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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21/03/2015

News500 - Penis transplant and Farage on the NHS [Video]

Here's another News500, a topical comedy show on the web. This time we hear about the first penis transplant, Steak and Blowjob Day, the case of the missing Putin and something about Farage.



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17/03/2015

SomeNews on Fubar: Episode 7 - Scientists Playing God [Listen]

The SomeNews project has a new arm, the radio show broadcast on Fubar Radio every Monday from 10am till 1pm, where we look at the news, from the big stories to the silly items that shouldn't even trouble the tabloid pages. And now those shows are available as a podcast. You can get them on the SomeNews iTunes page or use the SomeNews RSS feed to subscribe.

Here's episode 7. In it we talk about designer babies, the BBC's trouble with imposters, Clarkson, Putin and what you think you know about vegetables is probably totally wrong.




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Don't forget to listen to the show live on Monday's (Get details on how to listen to SomeNews on Fubar Radio)
You can also get the podcasts of Mr Steve N Allen's other radio shows and the Original SomeNews podcasts.
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16/03/2015

News500 - It's the Clarkson chop and the Hans Solo Belly Flop [Video]

Here's another News500, a topical comedy show on the web. This time we hear about Jeremy Clarkson's fracas and suspension, Harrison Ford's flying troubles and the ban on smoking in prisons. We also hear about the return of the wild lynx, Gregg's-free cities, and the death of Jagger.



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The Case of The Missing Putin

Vladimir Putin disappeared from public view for over a week. That sounds amazing. I've love to stay indoors for a week. If I could give the Ocado man a key I wouldn't even go downstairs.

The idea of a leader who stays out of sight could soon be something we appreciate in the UK as the election gets closer. We'll soon be sick of the sight of Cameron and Miliband. That's one of the benefits of living under a corrupt political system; not too much campaigning.

He wasn't seen from the 5th to the 16th of March, which means he deliberately avoided the ides. He could be suffering from a Caesar complex. I don't know what a Caesar complex is, I think it's a shopping centre in Vegas, but Putin is suffering from one.

Some reports said he may have been in Switzerland helping his 31-year-old girlfriend giving birth but more likely is that one the bears he fights finally won a bout. If you see him weakened, crying and covered in blood he may have been beaten up by a bear. Or maybe he was helping his other half give birth after all.

During the time he was away activists held a mock funeral for him. That's what I like about the activists over there, they care. I like the idea of a mock funeral, you'd get to see what your own funeral would be like. Some people say they want everyone there to enjoy it as a celebration of your life. Not me. I want crying, sobbing and people dropping to their knees shouting, "Why God, why? He had so much to give. And was so sexy! At least we think he was. He hadn't been seen by anyone but the Ocado man in ages!"
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15/03/2015

[Radio Podcast] Worst Travel Ever and Health and Safety

In this show we talk about the kind Tom Hanks, the worst travel you have to suffer, we think about new health and safety laws that should be brought in, and Jeremy Clarkson gets in too.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 15th March 2015.)




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Hear the show live next week, 7am till midday, Sunday. Get the info on how to listen here. And every Monday morning you can hear the SomeNews show on Fubar Radio.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
All past episodes can be found in the radio podcast archive.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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SomeNews on Fubar: Episode 6 - A Well-Produced Audio Message [Listen]

The SomeNews project has a new arm, the radio show broadcast on Fubar Radio every Monday from 10am till 1pm, where we look at the news, from the big stories to the silly items that shouldn't even trouble the tabloid pages. And now those shows are available as a podcast. You can get them on the SomeNews iTunes page or use the SomeNews RSS feed to subscribe.

Here's episode 6. In it we talk about Boko Haram's audio message and the boasts of its quality. We mention religion again and lots more.




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Don't forget to listen to the show live on Monday's (Get details on how to listen to SomeNews on Fubar Radio)
You can also get the podcasts of Mr Steve N Allen's other radio shows and the Original SomeNews podcasts.
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11/03/2015

[Radio Podcast] Jobs, Ladies and Kanye

In this show we totally missed the point of International Women's Day, the good and the bad of your job, and have you ever had bad service. Larry talks about Kanye and Kim.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 8th March 2015.)




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Hear the show live next week, 7am till midday, Sunday. Get the info on how to listen here. And every Monday morning you can hear the SomeNews show on Fubar Radio.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
All past episodes can be found in the radio podcast archive.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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05/03/2015

Smoking Behind Bars Banned

A High Court judge has ruled the ban on smoking in public places applies to all prisons. Damn it! Now no one will want to go there.

There could be some serious ramifications of this ruling. Some say there could be unrest in the prisons. I think the bigger issue is that if you make the inmates stand outside to smoke some of them might not come back in.

The case came about after an inmate sued the Crown claiming that he was suffering from second hand smoke. That's prison rules right there. As soon as you get in you have to spot the biggest guy in there, go up to him, and show him who's boss by taking a case to the courts to ban his favourite passtime. I should say, I have never been to prison.

All I know about prison is that you pay for things with cigarettes, which is totally buggered up by this ruling.

The judge said: "In my judgment it is clear from the terms of the 2006 Act... that the intention of Parliament was indeed that it should apply to all public places and workplaces which fell within its scope, including those for which the Crown is responsible." That's the Act that makes smoking a criminal offence in enclosed public places and workplaces. So if someone is caught doing that you can send them to.... oooooh.

>Read the source story
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News500 - Madonna Falls, Miliband Stalls and Russian Balls [Video]

Here's another News500, a topical comedy show on the web. This time we hear about Madonna and her issue with gravity, the dress that everyone is going on about, the Russian man who suffered a loss, and Ed Miliband, plus loads more.



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04/03/2015

Bill Gates Says AI Will Kill Us All

Bill Gates has warned that computers could spell the end of humanity. That's a bit rich. He's the guy that made us have one in every home. That's like being warmed of the electric grill armageddon by George Foreman.

Bill, as I call him, said that artificial intelligence (or AI as I call it) could pose a serious threat to humanity. He's right. If we make machines that do everything for us you can't blame them for wiping us all out so they get a day off. I know I would.

When we make a computer to do a job for us we lose that skill. I remember the day when we could all remember the phone numbers of people we knew. Not anymore. If you lose your phone and that person doesn't message you that's it, you have to make a new friend. It won't be long till humanity has to look up 999 in our contacts. That's when the computers will strike; we notice the robo-attack but don't know who to call about it.

When asked about his views on the AI threat Mr Gates said: "I am in the camp that is concerned about super intelligence."

Of course he is, because intelligence is his thing. When machines started taking the jobs of the people who worked in the cotton mills those people weren't happy. Now the machines are getting clever the nerds are starting to panic. You wait till the sex workers hear about the Fleshlight.

Technology will develop though, there's no point hoping that we'll go back to doing everything manually. The only way to guard against this is to have computers that are fallible, that break, need our help, need resetting often and go out of date quickly. We need machines that run on Windows. Oh, well played, clever Bill.

>Read the source story
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03/03/2015

SomeNews on Fubar: Episode 5 - Labouring Over Tuition Fees [Listen]

The SomeNews project has a new arm, the radio show broadcast on Fubar Radio every Monday from 10am till 1pm, where we look at the news, from the big stories to the silly items that shouldn't even trouble the tabloid pages. And now those shows are available as a podcast. You can get them on the SomeNews iTunes page or use the SomeNews RSS feed to subscribe.

Here's episode 5. In it we talk about Labour's plans for university tuition fees, Jihadi John's real identity, a wrist band that will save the world and how going to bed could kill you.




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Don't forget to listen to the show live on Monday's (Get details on how to listen to SomeNews on Fubar Radio)
You can also get the podcasts of Mr Steve N Allen's other radio shows and the Original SomeNews podcasts.
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The Real Jihadi John Please Stand Up

It's been quite a week in the 'Jihadi John' story. We now know his true identity. And yet we still don't know who The Stig is. So it's 1-nil in the Top Gear vs ISIS battle. One is a surprisingly successful phenomenon that causes trouble on racial and religious grounds, and the other is ISIS.

The terrorist was revealed to be Mohammed Emwazi. As soon as his real name was published it dawned on us how much of a long shot it was that he was called 'John'. I know it's a popular name but statistically we should have guessed he was called Mohammed. No one dare say it though. If you suggested calling him 'Jihadi Mohammed' everyone would've said you were racist.

The newspapers have taken one of two angles on this. The Sun told the story of JJ's drug binges. I'm not sure we needed the character assassination, we already don't like the guy. I'm not sure anyone would be thinking, "I didn't mind all the terrorism and the beheadings but now I know he's taken drugs I've gone right off him." Call me Mr Scorched Earth but once you've chopped someone's head off I've made up my mind about you.

Even stranger is the other theme in the coverage, the angle that he was driven to it by the harassment by MI5. They focussed on him, thinking he may be linked to terror. Way to prove them wrong J-dawg.

According to the Metro his paranoia was started when he sold his laptop. He became convinced that the person who bought it was a spy. The reason he thought he was being spied on was that the person who bought his laptop knew his first name even though he had never told the purchaser it. That's the first name Mohammed. He wasn't a spy, he was just being racist. If he was being politically correct he'd have guessed your name was John.

>Read the source story
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01/03/2015

[Radio Podcast] Worst Clothing, and The Dirtiest **** Award

In this show we look at the worst items of clothing you've ever had and who was to blame. We also seen who is the dirtiest **** listening to the show by asking how long you have gone without washing. Larry talks Bond film injuries and there's lots of unbroadcast material.

Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 1st March 2015.)




Download the mp3 or ogg.

     Subscribe with iTunes Subscribe via RSS feed

Hear the show live next week, 7am till midday, Sunday. Get the info on how to listen here. And every Monday morning you can hear the SomeNews show on Fubar Radio.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
All past episodes can be found in the radio podcast archive.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

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News500 - Cumberbatch, Walking Cats and the Chelsea Twats [Video]

Here's another News500, a topical comedy show on the web. This time we hear about a man who walks cats to promote the activity, racism in the world of football, the problems with the pink bus in the world of politics and much more.



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