Each week the Romford Recorder has the Steve Allen column. If you're in the Romford area you can buy the newspaper every Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.
There are many milestones in a man's life. I remember my first kiss, my first drink, my first iPhone. That was a busy day.
As you get older you seem to pass fewer milestones. I swear they're putting life's milestones further apart. I refused to admit I'm slowing down, in the same way I am convinced that my washing machine has been shrinking my jeans. It's jealous when it sees me using the cooker so much.
This week I passed a milestone I never thought I'd get to. I had a sausage named after me. As part of my afternoon show we had the guys in from Hawkins and Sons, the butchers in the Romford Shopping Hall. On sale for this week you can actually buy the Steve Allen Sausage.
It is an honour to be represented in meat form but it's hard to be taken seriously. While talking about my sausage or attempting to get people to try a nibble I have been met with nothing but a wall of, “Ooh er Missus,” or, “that's what she said.”
This is a serious issue for me. It's not everyday you get to launch your own meat product on an unsuspecting public but people keep laughing. I now have sympathy for whoever invented meatballs. And as for Mr Brain, when he invented his famous dish he must've suffered the same barrage of silly jokes. My heart goes out to him. Which might be one of his ingredients.
I ask you to maintain a sense of decorum as I say that the Steve Allen sausage is available this week in Romford from Hawkins and Sons. Get some and tweet me what you think of it. And if you can do that without making a joke you've passed a very big milestone indeed.