[Newspaper Column] Money

Each week the Romford Recorder has the Steve Allen column. And now you can find it in the Ilford Recorder too. If you're around East London and West Essex you can buy the newspaper every Thursday/Friday, or follow @mrstevenallen to see the columns on Twitter. You can also read the archive of past ones, which can be found here.

You can click the image to zoom in on the paper, or read the column below.


This week I’m in Austria performing my stand-up show.

I could talk about the election over here that nearly saw a far-right candidate in power. A lot of recent elections have gone to the right, the US election for example. And not just on a national level, Ethel is now in charge of my local neighbourhood watch and you do not want to get her talking about foreigners.

But there’s something else that strikes you when you’re aboard, how much you miss our money. Euros feel like fancy parking slips. There’s nothing quite like the good old British five pound note.

It’s always in the news. A while back I read that most fivers in London contain traces of cocaine. Isn’t it gross to think that the tatty old note has been up some chatty person’s nose?

The new five pound note is made from a polymer so you can wipe it clean, but even that note has been in the news.

One headline I saw read, “Have you got a fiver worth £20k?”

I read that I thought, “Wow. Just how much cocaine are on these things?”

Four special polymer notes engraved with a portrait of Jane Austen, by artist Graham Short, have gone into circulation. If you rub your finger over the £ sign it may appear.

Nice idea but stop turning our money into scratch cards. We have enough of a problem with gambling.

On top of all that we hear that the new note uses tallow in its production and therefore isn’t vegan-friendly. Of course it’s not, it doesn’t grow on trees you know.

If you wish to avoid animal by-products, gambling or drugs it’s best to avoid the £5 note. Send them to me. I’ll get rid of them for you.