22/02/2019

Podcast ep73: Sue Parents, Drone Swarms and Seaborne Freight

Yep, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E73, drone technology gets a really useful use, there's a man suing his parents and you probably won't believe why, and Seaborne Freight, the ferry company that doesn't have any ferries lost a ferry contract. Shocker.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed |

P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





Share:

20/02/2019

The Labour Defectors

Do you remember where you were when it happened? The seven Labour MPs who split from the party caused the biggest upset in British politics since the last one which was probably to do with Brexit and was probably only last week. It caught on and has taken more MPs with it.

It was like watching the press conference where we heard Take That were splitting up or like hearing the devastating news that Geri was leaving the Spice Girls.

It was also confusing, because it seems the issue is the seven who left were the kind of Labour MPs who’d fit the old way Labour was when it was called New Labour, but now the newer version of Labour is more aligned with the old Labour which was older than New Labour.

No wonder they left.

It was all slightly undercut by the BBC who left someone’s mic on during the press conference. You can find the clip on my Twitter feed. While the MPs were telling us how they were starting solo careers to release a new single (that may have been the Geri one I’m thinking of) we could hear a man giving a very sweary commentary. It was like I’d pressed the Red Button and got Gordon Ramsay’s take on things.

The voice over said, “Between this and Brexit we’re...” and then he said something that needs bleeping.

It’s not the first time Labour have struggled with mics being left on. We all remember when Gordon Brown called Gillian Duffy a bigoted woman after she had said to him, “All these Eastern Europeans, where are they coming from?”

I don’t know if she was a bigot but she certainly wasn’t a phone-a-friend if you have a Geography question.

Where does the Labour Party go from here? I don’t know, why not ask Gillian Duffy for directions?
Share:

15/02/2019

Podcast ep72: Ooohs and Aaahs, Neighbourhood Watch and the Case of the Missing Hawk

Yep, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E72, the case of the missing hawk (although it's not missing anymore) experts look at the oohs and aaahs sounds that people make and it all kicked off over the Neighbourhood Watch.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed |

P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





Share:

The Bed Issue

Ford are making a “smart bed” that can detect when someone is taking more than their fair share of bed space and then it can tilt to roll them back. This is probably good news for divorce lawyers everywhere.

The problem comes down to human nature. We expand to occupy the space available. It’s true of the planet and our own homes. I have watched enough episodes of Tidying Up with Marie Kondo to know that no one ever has an empty cupboard or drawer. Do you? Of course you don’t.

The same issue happens in bed. As soon as your partner gets out and you deploy the starfish it feels so good.

Put two people in a bed and they both want to starfish. And so the battle begins.

Everything would be fine if we could split the bed 50-50, a two-state solution, but that never seems to happen.

I’m a big lad, 6’2” and certainly not what doctors calls skinny, or even healthy for that matter. I think I could make a strong argument for a greater that half share of the bed territory.

That never seems to cut it with my other half. Actually, seeing as I call her that I have just ruined my own point. She goes to bed earlier and has the “I was here first” argument. I have woken balanced on the edge of that bed like a circus act.

Both sides of a relationship want more that 50% of the bed. So a bed that polices the issue seems like it would solve it. Harmony at last?

You try telling your partner you want to spend thousands of pounds on a new bed because you think they’re hogging it.

You’ll get half of the bed. And half of everything else in the settlement.

Share:

08/02/2019

Podcast ep71: Facetime, Posh Voices and Vampire Shoppers

Yep, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E71, there are problems with Facetime, there's bad news if you have a posh voices and the future of retail isn't as bad as we often here and it's all thanks to Vampire Shoppers.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed |

P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





Share:

Neighbourhood Watch

Someone has upset the Neighbourhood Watch. It wasn’t me. They haven’t spotted what I have been up to yet.

It was comedian David Mitchell who wrote a newspaper column saying that the Neighbour Watch are only useful for spotting low-level crime. He said they’d only catch a mafia boss 'if he plays music too loud at Christmas party'.

I for one am going to defend the Neighbour Watch. If a mafia boss is playing music too loud at a Christmas party I’m glad they’re going to say something because I wouldn’t. You’ll wake up with a horses head in the wrong recycling box outside your house.

The Neighbourhood Watch chief executive – yep, they have one – John Hayward-Cripps has hit back saying Watch toolkits 'tackle human trafficking and terrorism'.

Yeah, if it wasn’t for Navy Seal Team 6 it would have been the Watch that got Bin Laden.

It has a reputation for being an excuse to curtain twitch, to make people feel better for being nosy, but John says that’s “lazy stereotyping” of his 2.3 million members. And he should know. If anyone if an expert at lazy stereotyping, it’s someone who thinks they can judge what other people are up to.

It’s hard to know if it works. When I see those This is a Neighbourhood Watch Area signs I always think to myself, “I’d love to nick that.” But I never have, so maybe there’s something in this.

One way to measure its success. Since starting a Neighbourhood Watch have you noticed more suspicious behaviour?

I have. A lot of people on my street spend all stood by the windows, looking out and making notes. I’m not sure if they’re waiting for a secret delivery or a visit from someone dodgy but it’s all very suspicious if you ask me.

Share:

27/01/2019

Podcast ep70: Dog Snitch, Adult Entertainment Pays for the Wall, and Oscars

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E70, we made it to 70. No one thought it could happen. We cover the news of a dog that has a price on his head, there's a way Trump's wall might get paid for and it's sexy, and we get the latest take on the Oscars.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed |

P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





Share:

Vegan Paint?

We love news about the royals. We also live TV shows about bad drivers on our roads and recently those two categories of news have overlapped.

Not all the royal news has sounded like an advert for Lawyer4Money, Meghan Markle hit the headlines when reports came out that she is using vegan paint to decorate her ‘gender-free’ nursery.

I’m sure people got upset by the use of the phrase ‘gender-free’, but we have done that for decades. If you don’t know what you’re having you’d paint a nursery a natural colour. We weren’t being snowflakes we just didn’t want the hassle of more DIY when the nappy stuff starts.

The part that caught my attention was vegan paint. We are living in a vegan age. Just before Christmas the turkeyless turkey sandwich sold out from Marks and Spender in record time and the infamous Gregg’s vegan sausage roll was all over the news.

I have tried one. It’s been a few weeks and I haven’t become ill, gender-fluid or a communist, so I don’t know why Twitter was so upset.

I perform stand-up all over the UK and spotted down in Brighton a vegan shoe shop. I didn’t know shoes were edible. I’d have to be really hungry but it’s better than some kebab shops I know.

Vegan paint is in the same category. I didn’t know animals were used in the production of paint. I knew there’s a dog that helps to flog Dulux but it’s not harmed in the making of it. I still don’t really know how animals are used but I won’t buy any more duck egg blue just in case.

I’m sure some people will moan about Meghan going the vegan route but isn’t it about choice? Have whatever paint you like. Just doesn’t get the grandfather-in-law to drive you to the shops.

Share:

20/01/2019

Podcast ep69: The Early End of Dry Jan, More GDPR and Illegal Kisses

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E69, Toto's Africa has found the perfect home, the legal status of a kiss has been sorted and if you have stuck with Dry Jan you have done better than most.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed |

P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





Share:

19/01/2019

Brexit Week - Mini-Wrap

Who would have though, in 2016 as we were being asked what we should do about the European Union, just under three years later we’d find ourself here.

We haven’t had a week like this since, well, last December when this whole thing was meant to have happened.

I sat and watched Theresa May, our Prime Minister (correct as of going to press), I watched the news pundits and I even saw the protests outside Parliament. I think there were some Yellow Vest people but it is hard to tell. If you see someone wearing high-viz they’re either protesting or collecting litter. I thought I’d stumbled on a far-right rally the other day but it was just some people doing community service.

I watched the TV, cramming popcorn into my face, as the speaker, John Bercow shouted, “Order, order!” I smiled because he always sounds like a man having a difficult poo.

The vote came in. 202 for, 432 against. In Theresa May’s defence it could have been worse. 201 for and 433 against. But it wasn’t great. Rejected by 230 votes, the largest defeat for a sitting government in history. So, at least Theresa will be remembered for something other than wheat field vandalism.

Where do we go from here? Is Brexit dead in the water? In the Channel probably. Shouting m’aidez just to annoy us.

How long will Theresa May last? She’s already lasted longer than David Cameron would have. He’d have heard the result, stood up and said, “Right, I’m off to my shed in a field. It’s not a pig field before you even start.”

One thing is for sure, it’s three years after the referendum and people are still trying to work out what we should do about the European Union.
Share:

17/01/2019

Podcast ep68: Doorbell Licking and Brexit

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E68, a man is caught licking a doorbell, the snowflakes get upset and it's good news for certain divorces.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed |

P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





Share:

07/01/2019

Podcast ep67: Vegan Sausage Rolls and North Korean Holidays

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E67, a football club gets an interesting new sponsor, Gregg's the bakers upset some meat addicts and we look at how quickly you'll be over January.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed |

P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





Share:

Snowflake Army

With some of the bizarre things that happen in the news these days you hear a lot of people say, "You couldn't make it up."

I like those news stories. They save me going to the effort of making it up.

That's why I like the snowflake army story. A recruitment campaign took the famous Lord Kitchener posters that say, “Your country needs you!”

In the new version they said, “Snowflakes. Your army needs you.”

If you don’t know, “snowflake” is a term used to describe someone who is easily offended by something. Or “everyone,” as it seems is the case these days.

Is it a good idea to try to recruit snowflakes to the army? You have to do some pretty tough things in the forces and you can't no-platform the enemy because they used the wrong pronoun for you or clapped too loudly at something.

It wasn't just snowflakes. The ads also said, "Phone zombies, the army needs you." I've seen phone zombies walk right into lamp posts so they'd been less good at urban warfare.

One ad said, "Binge gamers, your arm needs you." They would be very handy if the insurgents are throwing a lot of candy at you and you need someone to crush it.

The twist is that the soldier photographed on the snowflake advert claims he didn’t realise he’d be called a snowflake when he agreed to be in the ad.

It was claimed he complained and threatened to leave the army over it.

You're on a sticky-wicket there. If you get upset when someone calls you a snowflake, you're kind of proving them right.

I realise this is a bit of a controversial issue, so if you have been offended by any of my jokes about snowflakes... well, you should be pretty used to it by now.

Share:

04/01/2019

Podcast ep66: A review of 2018

Oooh, a podcast.

The Friday night show on BBC Radio Kent that reviews the week's news is now a podcast too. Edited highlights are packaged up into pod-form for you listening pleasure and it's free.

In this week's episode, S01E66. This is the biggy. It's the massive review of the last year. Yeah, it takes an hour and a half of your life up but it's worth it.

Subscribe to the podcast now to get it free every week.




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed |

P.S. The new eBook is out now. Lasted Another Year is only 99p on Amazon, so get it now.





Share:

Get the FREE SomeNews email






"Today's Some News email is hilarious... Subscribe if you haven't yet! Top stuff" 

Twitter

LIVE SHOWS

The SomeNews Live Show
See where the SomeNews Live Show will be next.

Contact

Written/edited by Mr Steve N Allen
If you need to get in touch email info@somenews.co.uk, call 07510334318 or Skype SomeNews.co.uk. See the About SomeNews page for more info.

Blog Archive