The Sound That Kills Sperm

For years men have hated wearing condoms. Unless we wear them on our heads and blow them up by breathing out of our noses. Some men say having sex in a condom is like having a bath in your wellies. It's more like just dipping your toe in, in some of our cases. Worry no longer...

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RBS Heston Gives Bonus Back

I woke today, saw the headline on the front of the i that said: "RBS boss bows to pressure and waves bonus." Well, how is he meant to get buy on just his £1.2million basic salary? I know there's a recession on, but the dude's gotta eat. And we should remember, he has been...

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Vibrating Bum

I always knew this happened. I knew I wasn't insane. Experts have identified a new condition suffered by obsessive mobile phone users. Forget RSI or tennis thumb, people who use their mobiles too much are suffering from "phantom bum vibrations". This is where you put your...

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The Writing's On The Wall

Remember the good old days when graffiti was all Nosey Parker drawings and bad spelling? "Jez Woz Ere". I'm sure he was, but Jez wozn't in skool much, yeah? Graffiti peaked in the days of Banksy. He has made millions from painting on walls. But these days it's cheaper to...

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RBS (Ridiculous Bonus Society)

Costa Cruises, the company that owns the stricken Costa Concordia cruise ship, has offered passengers just £9,000 each in compensation. It covers lost belongings and the emotional distress. So, if you were on the Costa Concordia as it struggled to stay afloat you get £9,000....

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Decriminalise Drugs

Sir Richard Branson spoke to the Home Affairs Select Committee saying we should decriminalise drugs. He's a strange choice to head up this campaign. In his career he has managed to make a business out of everything, from records to planes, from make-up to banking, from weddings...

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Podcast 29 - Costa Concordia, The Royal Yacht, PIP Implants and Pregnant Angelina

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 29. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently. In this podcast: We talk boats, from the Costa Concordia to gift ideas for Queens. French PIP implants are in the news. Is Angelina pregnant? And if she isn't, we know someone...

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Andrea McLean Is Ashamed

In the Mirror: "Loose Women's Andrea, My marriage is over ..I'm so ashamed." I don't know about you but when I feel ashamed about something I like to tell a national newspaper about it. If I feel slightly ashamed of something I hand out flyers in the street and if I'm only...

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Hitting The Nail In The Head

Yesterday we heard that Paul Daniels had chopped off some of his fingers. "Slight of hand" has never been so apt. But it's not just celebs who use power tools like a drunk Mr Bean. A man in Chicago accidentally shot a 3.25-inch nail into his head without realising. What?...

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Paul Daniels Chops Off Fingers

File this under "Someone told me this at a gig and I totally didn't believe them till I got home at looked on the web". Paul Daniels has cut his fingers off. Talk about "now you see them, now you don't". Paul managed to sever a finger and mangle the top of a second with a...

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The World Record Hug

Some couples in London took part in a 24-hour "hug-a-thon" in the first in series of record attempts ahead of the Olympics. That sounds like my idea of hell. A hug gets awkward after 3 seconds. I once suffered a social hug that lasted nearly 10 seconds. And if a hug ever...

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Crime Figures May Go Up As Well As Down

Good news, the number of crimes recorded by police fell by 4% to 4.1 million in the last year, figures have shown. Really? Did the people working on these figures notice the riots last August? Or were they just not reported because everyone in Hackney and Croydon had their...

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Past Times, Not What It Used To Be

There has been a lot of bad news on the high street recently. Peacocks have called in the administrators. La Senza has said they are closing down. The one thing I never understood about La Senza is, why did they have full length mirrors in the shop? Lots of clothes shops...

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Cashpoint Thieves Are Feeling The Pinch

They say crime doesn't pay. What they probably mean is crime doesn't pay well, and here's the proof. Authorities say a determined gang of thieves spent six months digging a 100-foot tunnel into a Blockbuster store to steal a cash machine. The police should've noticed something...

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See The Woman With 15 Kids!

Channel Four features a show about a woman who has 14 children and has another on the way. All she needs to do now is live in a shoe. It's Sue Radford from Morecambe in Lancashire. She's expecting another child in just a few months, and doesn't rule out still more after that. After...

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The Wikipedia Blackout

We have lived through a lot of strikes in recent times. The teachers strike when some teachers went shopping, a postal strike when for one day we didn't have little red elastic bands dropped in our gardens and a journalist strike at the BBC which didn't really get in the news...

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Do You Want To Buy The Queen A New Yacht

Front of the Guardian has the headline "Give Queen a new royal yacht for the jubilee, says minister." That headline under a picture of the Costa Concordia makes it look like the minister doesn't really like the Queen. "What, boats sink? Well, let's buy the Queen one." And...

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The 2012 Making Babies Olympics

Experts say Britain will experience a baby boom in 2013 because of the 2012 Olympics. It's because of the beach volleyball, isn't it? Apparently it will act as a "cultural aphrodisiac" along with the Diamond Jubilee. I can see how watching the fit sweating bodies of athletes...

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Loss Of Ratings In Europe

As we can see from the front of the Guardian there's bad news in the European economy... just for a change. It says: "France loses top credit rating as Friday 13th shakes Europe". Yep, France's credit rating was AAA and now it's comme ci, comme ca. What this means is, it...

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Bond Made Nuclear Evil

The president of the Royal Society of Chemistry is blaming James Bond villains for giving nuclear power a bad name. He may have a point. They've also not done much for the profile of shark tanks. And underground lairs. I tried to buy an underground lair once and it was a...

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The Woman With Two Foo-Foos

A woman who has two vaginas was a guest on the TV show This Morning, making the male host of that show even less likely to live up to his name. She's 27-year-old Hazel Jones and she was born with two fully-formed vaginas. Good luck keeping up with the Joneses in that way,...

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Pants News

>According to a new survey, nearly a quarter of British men don't change their pants every day. So if you see four men together statistically one of them has smelly pants. It was Ringo wasn't it? Yep, always Ringo. It seems disgusting but it all depends on how you spin...

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999 Help! I Hate My Wife

I always love the stories you get in the news about the people who call 999 for stupid reasons. I know it's serious and risks lives, but I don't promote it happening, I just enjoy laughing at the type of idiots this nation is home to. Last week the North West Ambulance Service...

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NHS Taking The PIPs

The NHS could bear the cost of removing breast implants for thousands of women, despite official guidance that they do not pose an immediate health risk. It's coming at a bad time for the UK economy. Not only will this take taxpayer's money to fund the operations but it could...

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Diane Abbott's Twitter Trouble

MP Diane Abbott has had to apologise for a tweet. She said that "white people love playing divide and rule" and if you see the picture on this article, she's right. It's a spin-off from Call of Duty: Black Ops. It's Divide And Rule: White Ops. Some Tory MPs have called for...

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Celebrity Big Brother 2012 Launch Review

Yes, it's still going on. It's like Ceefax. You remember seeing it on TV years ago but it comes as a surprise to hear it is still broadcast. It's Celebrity Big Brother. It's not on Channel 4 any more, it's now on FIVE. It means there are subtle differences, like Brian Dowling...

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Put The Toilet Lid Down

Researchers have found that closing the toilet lid before you flush could prevent the norovirus from spreading. Make sure you pay attention the wording. "Before you flush", not "before you use the toilet" because I'm fairly sure that would spread the bug more. Scientists...

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New Hybrid Shark Discovered

Scientists say they have found the world's first hybrid sharks in waters off Australia. So it's partially powered by electric? Interesting. That's good for the environment but not so good for the shark, because it lives in water and we all know what happens when you drop...

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Son For Sale

This is a truly shocking story. A Saudi man has put his son up for sale on Facebook. OMG! Really? Facebook? Hasn't this guy ever heard of eBay? He's as bad as people who use hastags in texts. Saud bin Nasser Al Shahry is offering a son (one careful owner) for $20million....

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Russell's Brand New Start After Perry

Russell Brand plans to move back to Britain to get over his split from Katy Perry. Yes, nothing takes your mind off your depression like cold weather and a recession. And the great thing about being in the UK is that Russell will only have his divorce covered in all the tabloids,...

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Does Kevin Do It For You?

Researchers say that people called Kevin don't do very well when it comes to online dating. I think those researchers need do check out off-line dating too. They're only scratching the surface of a great discovery. They found that people using dating websites are less likely...

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What Do Pandas Eat? Wrong!

Panda's have been in the news a lot recently. From the ones in Edinburgh zoo who the BBC called a Woman of the Year, to the ones whose poo is used to make tea. And here's the latest panda news: a panda has been spotted eating meat. It wasn't one of the Edinburgh zoo ones....

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SomeNews At The Brighton Comedy Festival [Ended]

This show is now over, shame you missed it. Find out where the next SomeNews Live Festival Show will be by clicking here. Or see the show live in London every week. Might as well face it, we're addicted to news. It's 24-hour, it's rolling, and we can't get enough of it....

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