This New Year, DO NOT RESOLVE!

Happy New Year. Or, as I like to call it, the week we all collectively agree to lie to ourselves.

Every January 1st, we decide that the version of us that’s been fueled by cheese boards and cheap Prosecco for three weeks is suddenly going to become an Olympic-level athlete. We sign up for the gym, a place that, for the rest of the year, is just a building we walk past while feeling slightly guilty and we buy enough kale to fill a compost heap.

The New Year’s resolution is a fascinating scam because we are both the con artist and the mark. We tell ourselves, “This is the year I learn Mandarin,” when we haven’t even mastered the art of putting the laundry away in the same week it was washed.

The gyms love it, of course. Their entire business model relies on you paying for a year-long membership in a moment of madness and then never showing up again. You’re essentially paying a monthly fee for the right to say, “I really should go to the gym,” which is a very expensive form of self-flagellation.

By February, the kale has turned into a liquid at the bottom of the fridge, and the only "running" we’re doing is running out of excuses. But don't worry, next year will be different. We'll tell ourselves the same lie, and we’ll believe it again. It’s the ultimate triumph of hope over experience.

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Crocodile Not Dundee: Britain’s Latest Wildlife Panic

There are certain things you expect to find in a British canal. Shopping trolleys. Traffic cones. The occasional rogue sofa. What you don’t expect is a crocodile. And yet, here we are.

Local police recently issued what they described as their “strangest appeal ever” after reports of a crocodile lurking in a Derbyshire canal. Not exactly the tropical climate they’re used to, unless the reptile was drawn by the promise of Greggs and a decent pint.

Naturally, the public did what the British public does best in moments of crisis: they panicked, speculated wildly, and posted blurry photos online. One image showed what looked suspiciously like a log with commitment issues. Another was clearly a discarded inflatable from someone’s stag do. But facts never get in the way of a good urban legend.

Plus, be it a croc or a stag do, you’re happy if you can avoid it on your night out.

The police, to their credit, took the matter seriously. They issued a statement urging caution and asking anyone with information to come forward. Presumably they were hoping for a local zookeeper, or at least someone who’s watched more than three episodes of Steve Irwin: Croc Files. Instead, they got a wave of TikTokers turning up with drones, fishing rods, and one bloke dressed as Bear Grylls who tried to wrestle a traffic cone.

Also, well done to the fishing rod guy. I wish I had that level of misplaced self-confidence.

It’s moments like these that remind you just how British our approach to danger really is. America gets alligators in swimming pools and responds with helicopters and SWAT teams. We get a rumoured crocodile in a canal and respond with sarcasm, disbelief, and a petition to name it “Colin.”

Is that because we Brits are so different to the Americans, or is that one of the differences between crocodiles and alligators? Alligators swim in fresh water, whereas crocodile illicit a piss-taking response.

Of course, the crocodile turned out to be a hoax. Or a misidentification. Or possibly a hallucination brought on by too much WKD Blue. The police concluded there was “no credible evidence” of a reptilian menace. Which is a relief, unless you’re the crocodile, in which case it’s a bit of a snub. Which is also one of the differences with an alligator.

But the story raises important questions. Like: why do we keep imagining exotic animals in British settings? We’ve had panthers in Cornwall, wallabies in Cumbria, and now crocodiles in Dudley. It’s as if the nation collectively decided that Countryfile wasn’t spicy enough.

Every few years people say there’s a lion on the loose in Essex and it’s always a normal ginger cat sat a bit closer than the photographer realised.

Maybe it’s escapism. Or maybe we just really want to believe that our canals are more exciting than they are. After all, if you’ve ever walked along one, you’ll know they’re mostly just damp corridors for joggers and ducks with attitude.

Still, I say let’s lean in. Let’s embrace the madness. Next time someone spots a giraffe in Grimsby or a kangaroo in Kent, let’s not question it. Let’s give it a name, a backstory, and a Twitter account. Because in a world full of grim headlines, sometimes you need a crocodile in a canal to remind you that Britain is still gloriously, eccentrically bonkers.

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One In, One Out, One Back In...

It’s a fun story, if only mathematically. An asylum seeker who was sent back to France under the “one in, one out” scheme has come back to Britain in a small boat.

It raises some interesting questions. Does it mean that the guy who came over here as part of his “one in, one out” now has to go back? Is there a “one out, one in” clause?

If he now gets deported again do we have to take another one back in return? That’s the biggest worry because it would then be possible to have one guy going to and from France and that could slowly empty the nation. Maybe that’s why France was willing to sign this deal. They had a guy who was willing to keep making the trip.

The scheme wasn’t looking great anyway. It was a slow start with very low numbers. It is only a pilot scheme and for a while it was true that it had sent more pilots to France than deportees. For a while, due to rules about people coming to the UK being able to bring family, there were more people who had come into this country than had left. That, in itself, may not be a problem, but it was called “one in, one out”. Even someone scraping a D at GCSE Maths can work out what ratio stats we should expect.

It seems that no one had planned for this eventuality. That’s almost the biggest sin. How could they not have seen this coming? If there is one thing we know about people who travel illegally from France who are then returned to France, they know how to travel illegally from the place they have just been sent to.

It was bad timing, politically. This news broke on the same day the number of migrant arrivals via the English Channel so far this year passed the total for the whole of 2024. And it’s not even Christmas, even though you’d never know that if you look in shops.

It’s a running total of 36,886, beating last year’s 36,816. Maybe it won’t go higher than that if Storm Benjamin can be persuaded to stick around till January.

The man who came back to the UK said it was because he didn’t feel safe in France. There’s a bit to unpack there. Does he feel safer in the UK? Has he seen all the news about knife crime? I mean, he has a point if he’s talking about the traffic around Arc de Triomphe, I’ll give him that.

He said, “When we were returned to France we were taken to a shelter in Paris. I didn't dare to go out because I was afraid for my life.”

It can feel pretty rough in Paris. Especially around Guard du Nord because there are lots of illegal mig… oh, hang on.

But to take his point more seriously, he added, “The smugglers are very dangerous. They always carry weapons and knives. I fell into the trap of a human trafficking network in the forests of France before I crossed to the UK from France the first time.”

So, that evidence suggests this will happen again. People who use gangs to get to the UK will fall foul of the gangs when they’re back in France.

Just 42 people have been returned to France so far under the agreement. Given the name, “one in, one out”, we can see just how far out it’s drifted. It’s 36,886 in, 42 out, 1 back in.

This story is across most of the front pages (Thursday 23rd October) and it is telling that not one of them has found a positive spin on this. The Guardian, the Metro, etc. That shows this isn’t a party political issue.

By definition we are not talking about a successful asylum applicant, and therefore we don’t need to discuss what role the UK should play in helping those needing refuge. If you have failed in your application and been deported to France we know we’re talking about someone who shouldn’t travel to the UK in a boat.

For balance I should mention that Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood said the Labour government had detained and removed more than 35,000 people illegally in the UK.

So that’s (36,886-35,000) in, (42-1) out. 1886/41. That’s 46 in, one out. Not as catchy though, is it?

Read more like this on Steve N Allen's Stacked

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Podcast: Radio-Free Day 1

The end of an era. The podcast that has been running for years has been a product of the Time 107.5 radio show broadcast in London and Essex. Well, the radio station has been sold and that brings to an end the daily broadcasts.

Going forwards, the podcast is changing. Now freed from the format of the radio show and the control of Ofcom, the podcast will now become a review of the news in a longer format, more interaction and possibly video coming soon too.

Meanwhile, here's the first episode of the new format. Radio-Free Day 1.

🔊 In this episode: • Would someone cheat on Margot Robbie?
• P Diddy’s back, oh great
• Who’s more polite, men or women?
• Is the Online Safety Act making you go to Amsterdam?
• and something about the new PPI
• Plus other nuggets from the news in podcast form.




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📧 And email to me@mrstevenallen.co.uk with any comments, questions or listeners’ emails.
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Now, get the podcast on Twicth, as it's being recorded...

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How To Get A Free Car

The Motability scheme is the latest part of the welfare system to be caught up in scandal. It’s the system that offers essential support to individuals with severe physical or mental disabilities. Some people need a car or motorised wheelchair to remain independent and Motability uses tax-payer money to make that happen.

But it’s 2025 so of course it’s being abused. It has ballooned since COVID and now costs the UK £600million-a-year. There are even people on TikTok boasting that they can teach you how to play the system. It was better when TikTok was mainly annoying dance routines and people trying to swallow detergent for likes.

This has resulted in some people with what I think we can call “not severe” issues who still manage to get a cheap car.

Data that was released in response to a Parliamentary Question reveals that there were 20 people on the scheme who qualified because they have constipation. Surely that’s the wrong way round. If you had diarrhoea you’d be in greater need to get home quickly. If you have constipation you have time on your hands to use slower public transport. In fact, I only go on UK trains when I have constipation so I know there’s no chance I’ll have to use the onboard toilet. If I have to use our rail network I have a huge block of cheese and two Imodium first.

40 people got financial help to buy a car because they have tennis elbow. I don’t know if that Emma Raducanu but even if it did she still probably wouldn’t look happy about it.

Do you use your elbow that much while walking? Only if you’re one of those odd-bod speed walkers. But you use your elbow more when you steer a car, so again, this makes no sense.

7,460 for a car because they have depressive disorder. I know that’s a wide range of conditions but I don’t think someone who might have the thought, “I can’t take it any more. Good bye cruel world,” needs to be put behind a ton of metal that can drive near me.

Of course obesity makes the list. 800 people got a car because of their obesity. What’s one of the best exercises you can do that can help with weight? Walking.

There are other conditions on the list that I’m sure warrant a cheap car. The list includes ADHD/ADD and OCD. If they don’t get a BMW or at least and MG we’ve missed a trick.

There were 770 cases where people who struggle with alcohol misuse were given cars. To drive. What’s thinking here? Get people on the road who might be doing it under the influence. They may have accidents and that will mean more people need to use the Motability scheme? Are they making sure they won’t go out of business?

10 people got a discount car for a condition called “failure to thrive”. Steady on. If that’s enough to get you help everyone other than the top richest will be owed a car.

Many, indeed most of the 589,000 claimants may have had valid claims but that’s no reason to let the dodgy claims go.

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What Labour Is Getting Wrong - Again

Many newspapers have given us a look at the situation the Labour Party finds itself in.

Reading in The Guardian, we might say congratulations to Sir Kier Starmer for managing to create another no-win scenario. Star Trek fans will know this as a Kobayashi Maru. In fact this is more of a Star Wars story because it's all about a rebellion.

At least 108 Labour MPs have promised to rebel and vote down the Government's welfare reform bill. That's a lot. You can't threaten to remove the whip from that many of your MPs. That way you could shrink yourself down to the third smallest party in the house.

That opens up outcome 1: What if Labour lost this? While it's not a confidence, vote situation the level of embarrassment could be a political puncture under the plimsoll line.

Thankfully for Keir outcome 1 isn't likely. It would take all the rebels and the opposition to actually oppose and that's not what's on the cards.

The front page of The Telegraph we see that Kemi Badenoch has offered to back the PM to get this bill through. It comes with conditions but they're actually a trap. She said she'd lend her party's votes as long as Labour promised to bring down the welfare bill and to promise no make tax increases.

The first one is something Labour go on about all the time, so of course they'll agree to that. But if they agree to the second it'll be a rod that is used to beat them. All signs are looking like there will need to be some form of tax increase. If Labour does this, at the moment, it goes against what it promised in their manifesto. If Kemi can get another promise out of them there's more weight to add to the attack that will happen every Wednesday in Prime Minister's Questions.

That makes outcome 2 a win with the support of the Tories, which is a trap-filled political embarrassment.

Outcome 3 is winning the vote without Tory help but it still leaves so many backbenchers at odds with the party. The story of recent UK party politics is all about dealing with the divisions within the party. The pro/anti-Europe sections of the Tories eventually led to the Brexit vote, which regardless of your thoughts on the results, we can all say it didn't heal the rift for the Conservatives. It's slowly evolved into the Reform UK issue.

Labour is dealing with the pragmatists, of which Keir Starmer seems to be one, and the ideologues. Without the pragmatic element you have a Jeremy Corbyn world where you end up saying, “Well, we lost the election but we won the argument.” That's great if you were in a sixth form debate but you have to realise you were in an election, so winning it was the goal. It's like saying, “Well, we lost that game of foot ball, but we did really well at eating the pieces of orange.”

Pragmatism should be the solution but Keir Starmer seems to have found an extreme version of it where he ignores the feelings of those with ideals. It's true that you don't “need” to worry about it while you have a huge majority but that doesn't last forever.

It's led to bad execution of good ideas. Millionaire pensioners don't need to have the taxpayer helping out with their gas bills, so means testing the winter fuel allowance is a good idea. However, they manage to execute it by hitting pensioners on £14k a year.

If there is a loophole letting rich people use farms to cheat the inheritance tax system find a way to fix it without hitting all farmers.

If there's an issue with the investigation into grooming gangs don't dismiss it because you think you can, only to later do what people were asking for.

It now looks like there will be a compromise. Of course. That was outcome 4 which was the only one left all along. The lesson here is to explore your outcomes in reverse order and maybe, just maybe, try to do the right thing without causing yourself all that damage.

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Sydney Sweeney's Celebrity Hot Soap

I have often said that toiletries are the worst gift but that was before a new one hit the market. American actress Sydney Sweeney is selling bars of soap infused with her actual bathwater.

I don’t know a lot about the process of making soap. I have seen Fight Club but I’m guessing she process is a little more artisanal. In fact I’m fairly sure she doesn’t do any of it herself. She’s teamed up with a soap company, Dr. Squatch, to make a limited edition called “Sydney’s Bathwater Bliss”. Sadly, for anyone wanting to stock up, there were only five thousand bars made.

I remember the days when if you wanted to be the kind of dirty old man who got all hot under the collar about a young woman’s bath water you had to do it on the sly. You’d have had to sneak in and scoop a cup before it swirled down the plughole. These days, like everything, you just click ‘add to basket’.

The Sydney soap sold out in seconds, proving that there is no limit to what people will buy if it has even the faintest whiff of fame attached to it. Maybe “whiff” is the wrong word. I’m sure it smells like soap. She’s not Gwyneth Paltrow.

Each bar only contains a few droplets of her bathwater. I’m fairly sure you wouldn’t notice their presence. Maybe you could find traces of her DNA, so if you’re planning on framing Sydney for a crime this could be the purchase you’re looking for. But if you want to feel that you have somehow bathed with her, you’re not hitting the mark.

The soap has a few traces of her bathwater but thanks to our water companies your own tap water probably has traces of some sewage, so they cancel out.

Sense and logic probably aren’t the main motivating forces behind these purchases. There has been such high demand that the bars are now available on eBay costing thousands. For that much money you could probably have a bath with an actual actress.

Ingredients also include exfoliating sand and pine bark extract. I would have suggested verbena, pomegranate maybe even a little vanilla. Basically anything that’s edible given that I’m sure a few of the guys that buy it will be licking it.

While this news story makes me despair for the future of humanity and proves we’re more fame and sex obsessed than ever before, there’s one part of me that’s happy about it. If this means more people are buying and using soap, my trips on public transport could be slightly nicer.

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The Vegan Apocalypse

Do you have your apocalypse plan ready? I have to admit I don’t, but I also haven’t sorted out my pension, so that shouldn’t come as a surprise. In fact, not being ready for the apocalypse might mean I won’t have to worry about reaching my pension years, so maybe it’ll all work out.

Professor Tim Lang, a professor of food policy, has told the government we should be ready in case our computers get hacked, Russia attacks, or something else horrible happens.

The coronavirus pandemic was good training. We all know how to panic-buy like we’re in the Supermarket Sweep final. Tim, however, thinks there’s one group that needs special consideration. He said we need to think about vegans when catering for the apocalypse.

I think that means we’re misunderstanding what an apocalypse is. I agree that vegans need to be catered for when you invite them to a dinner party. The onus is on you to ensure you have the right food if you’re hosting on a Saturday night.

But if you’re living in a barren, post-apocalyptic dystopia where we have to get by on scraps, I think we all have a responsibility to be less picky. I don’t like green olives, but if the alternative was not eating that month, I’d probably shut up about it.

If we’re in an underground bunker and I share my meagre rations with you, I don’t expect you to look at the ingredients list and say, “Oh, there’s gelatin in this?” in a judgemental way.

Professor Tim Lang said that if people are “in psychological shock, they need to have things they are familiar and comfortable with.” I agree, but when you’re hunting with a sharpened broomstick for food, it’s less about comfort.

If the apocalypse we’re facing is a zombie one, I note that if you get caught and turned into a zombie, you’ll be eating brains. No one stays vegan through the whole apocalypse, one way or another.

I know it’s a common trope for comedians to mock vegans, and I respect the lifestyle during times of plenty. But when things get really bad, you might have to rethink your priorities rather than expect everyone to help you through Armageddon.

I feel sorry for people with gluten intolerance. They’re often grouped with vegans in the category of “difficult people to have around for dinner,” yet they don’t get a mention in the guidance given to ministers. They’ll have to spend their apocalypse feeling gassy and bloated while the vegans get special treatment.

In the end, apocalypse or not, we’re all just trying to survive – vegans, the gluten-free and olive-haters alike.

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Farts On A Plane

There has been a lot of talk about e-gates recently. With closer ties to the European Union, could it be possible for the British traveller to land without having to queue up with the rest of the world?

I don’t know why we’re so bothered. We Brits are famously good at queuing, so the international arrivals gate is a chance to show off what we can do. It might catch on, and everyone could learn how to queue. It would be our greatest gift to the world.

I’m not sure I’d benefit from the e-gate access. I have the kind of generic face that causes problems with airport facial recognition software. Even I’ll admit I look like every e-fit of a thug you see in newspapers, so it’s no wonder the system wants to run a few checks before it lets me in.

Even if we get this special gate access I think I may never fly again. Another change to aviation was mooted this week. Some plane manufacturers have looked at two-tier seating. That sounds like I’m going to make a comment about Sir Keir Starmer’s legal system. As if I would!

It’s not even a plan to have two levels like a double-decker bus. The plan is to have alternate rows of seats set at different heights. Obviously the motivation behind this isn’t about the passengers’ comfort; it’s about finding a way to cram more people in to make more money for the company. If they could have us lying in tubes, head to feet like the grandparents in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, they would.

There was instant pushback. Many people have spotted that if the seat part of one row is at the eye-level of the row behind it, you have a direct path to the wind of the person in front. It’s not an idle threat because the slightly lower air pressure while at high altitude means we’re all more likely to have a little bottom burp. If you’re sitting on the lower row, that will be what you’re breathing. You’ll be praying for the oxygen mask to drop to get you a break.

Due to denser air sinking, the people on the bottom row really get the worst of it.

It will earn the companies more money, but they will have to spend more on the sick bags we all get through.

In researching this I learned that air on a plane is recycled, so even without these seats you’re breathing in the gaseous output of everyone else on that flight. This two-tier seating system simply speeds it up. Now that’s progress.

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UK Claims World’s Oldest Woman

While the USA gets to boast about the first American pope we in the UK get to claim a different victory. A British lady named Ethel Caterham is now officially the oldest person in the world.

Ethel is 115, but doesn’t look a day over 105. As always happens in these news stories, Ethel was asked what the secret to living such a long life is.

Her advice is to never argue with anyone. That feels like it is good advice if you live in a time where duelling is common. Most of my rows these days are with conspiracy theorists on social media and very few are resolved with actual combat, so I think I’m safe.

The actual secret to being the world’s oldest person is being a woman. We gents never get to win that one or even get on the medal podium. It’s basically genetics but we don’t like that answer.

The news loves to ask these superannuated people their secret to old age and they always say something about drinking every day or eating whatever you want. If those behaviours made you live longer do you now how many 100-year-olds there’d be? The postal service would collapse under the strain of all the royal telegrams.

On her 115th birthday, Ms Caterham received not just a telegram but a letter from the King congratulating her on a "truly remarkable milestone". I don’t know if she’ll get one every year now but eventually she’ll get bored and think, “This could’ve been an email.”

She was born on the 21st of August 1909, which means she is the last surviving subject of Edward VII. She must have lost count of how many Prime Ministers she’s lived though, although thanks to the last Government a lot of us did.

The new record has been confirmed by Guinness World Records and LongeviQuest, a database of the world's oldest people. It is impressive but one news source pointed out she lived through the sinking of the Titanic, World War One, the Russian Revolution, the Great Depression and World War Two. She wasn’t on the Titanic so it’s just a coincidence that these things happened concurrently with her.

By the same logic I lived through two Iraq wars and Brighton’s West Pier burning down and yet I look quite good considering.

But Ethel is right. Maybe not the secret to a long life but to a happy life is not arguing with people. Her full answer was, "Never arguing with anyone, I listen and I do what I like."

However long we’re here for, that is a good way to live your life.

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What’s In A… Pronoun?

Recent years may have made you afraid of a certain part of the English language. There are some words that can land you in trouble and I am talking about pronouns.

They were the part of speech that no one paid attention to. If you’d already used someone’s name, instead of repeating that name again and again like someone in sales who’d been on a neurolinguistic programming course, you’d say him or her and we’d all know who you meant.

Then pronouns became the front line of a gender war between JK Rowling and most of the cast of her films. The message was that pronouns were the most important part of speech. You simply had to ask people what their pronouns were.

The latest confusing breakthrough is that a UK university has now issued new guidance to students saying that should not ask people what their pronouns are as it could be offensive.

Just to recap, asking about pronouns is offensive and not asking is offensive. Good luck out there.

Liverpool University has told students that asking someone what their pronouns are could put them under pressure to reveal their gender when they don’t want to.

Let’s remember that no one asking about this stuff is how use used to live for centuries, so I think we’d cope.

If I am honest, I’m such a stickler for grammar I don’t even understand how that conversation would go. If someone asked me what my pronouns are I’d have to answer, “I and me, because that’s how pronouns work.”

They’d say, “No, I mean what pronouns should I use about you?”

I’d say, “You and you. They are the second person objective and subjective pronouns. You could use thou and thee if you really wanted. You’d sound a little odd but I get the feeling that’s not worrying you.”

They’d say, in an annoyed tone, “No, I mean what pronouns should I use about you when I am talking to someone else? Third person pronouns.”

To which I would honestly say, “I don’t care. I won’t be there, will I?”

It’s a shame this grammar question can’t be separated from the gender issue. I think if someone wished to tell you that they feel like they are a certain gender, whether you understand it or not you can accept that they feel that way.

The pronoun side of this is where you seek to control how others speak, and that’s where the friction starts.

I’m not even good at remembering people’s names let alone their pronouns. So use my solution, refer to everyone as chief and hope they don’t notice.

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It’s Too Hot Baby – The Spicy Content Post

We need to grow up when it comes to spicy food. New research has found that we’re now nation of brave eaters of really spicy food and Gen Z are leading the way.

I remember what it like to be young, just about. I went to university in Birmingham and we all went through that predictable phase of competing with my fellow students to see who could stomach the hottest balti dish in the famous region of restaurants. What did the ultimate winner get? Possibly the respect of his or her peers but definitely a tricky morning lecture the next day.

The researchers are calling this a Scoville shift, which sounds like what you had to nip out of that lecture to do. The Scoville scale is the way we measure how hot a spicy food is. The problem with having a scale is that people start to think more is better rather than finding the optimum spot.

Forty per cent of adults and sixty per cent of Gen Zs consider themselves “braver” when it comes to trying spicy food. Why would you want to eat a food that requires bravery? No one says, “Leave some of those toothpicks in those pineapple chunks on sticks. I’m feeling brave tonight.”

It’s worth remembering that the hotness of a spicy food isn’t a flavour or taste. It’s pain. The capsaicin reacts with pain receptors in your mouth. Flavour is detected by your nose. Taste is detected by your taste buds but spiciness works on the same system that knows if you’ve stood on Lego.

Save money by grasping a drawing pin while you have a bland sandwich.

I understand it is a little strange that I used to be one of these food masochists. All of those times having to take a break from my late night carry while I sweat, all of those times trying to drink the mint yoghurt from the starers and now I know it was pointless.

Don’t get me wrong. I still enjoy a pathia or madras but I know that’s my level. I don’t order a vindaloo to show off.

The same research found that forty-six percent of us feel “space shame” when ordering a milder dish than the people we’re eating with. To those people I say, no, you shouldn’t feel pressure to burn your innards just because other people do.

You don’t need to order food from the top of the Scoville scale if you want to feel pain during your restaurant trip. Thanks to recent inflation just order some drinks and wait till you see the bill. You’ll be crying in no time.

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WWTFD - What Would The French Do?

The French have issued what they are calling a “survival manual”, which I thought was the name of their president. You can see how an idiot would get those mixed up.

It’s a 20-page booklet that outlines a range of safety measures people should take in event of both military and natural disasters. It’s good to be prepared.

The French government has denied that the three-part booklet is being produced because of the threat from Russia. OK, who is it you’re worried about then? Are there any other countries that are doing a lot of invading of late?

If you were being mean you might point out that it’s no surprise France’s response to military invasion is printed on some very useful white paper, but I’m not going down that angle. Let’s see what we can learn from the French advice.

The information says that in the event of a nuclear disaster you should lock your doors. I think they have underestimated how small neutrons are. Simply locking the doors and closing the curtains won’t keep the radiation out. Maybe it’s for a different reason. When you’re in the middle of dealing with nuclear fallout you don’t want the nosey neighbours popping round.

It also suggests putting together a survival kit that should include six litres of water, a dozen tins of food, batteries and a torch. This being France it will also include bread, butter, a basic beef stock and some red wine.

Surely we all already have more tinned food than we will even need thanks to the pandemic. I can’t be the only one who ran out, bought all the cans of anything I could find, only to realise that Just Eat was still working and I made my way through the lockdown with takeaways. For some reason, given a choice between opening that tin of ill looking new potatoes or having a pizza always went the same way.

A spokesman from the French prime minister said: “The purpose of this document is to ensure the resilience of populations in the face of all types of crisis, whether natural, technological, cyber or security-related.”

It’s a wake-up call that cyber has to be included in that list these days. We’re so reliant on computers and people like Elon are releasing AI into the world so we have to have a first aid kit ready, just in case.

I wish the UK would do one too. I know what I am like. In the event of a national disaster I’d be sat there Googling for a YouTube explainer on what to do next. And they’ll all be in French.

» Read the source story

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