03/07/2021

Why British Thank-Yous Aren’t Real

A new bit of research has found that one in four thank-yous are not genuine.

While this is the kind of survey that is basically meaningless and is only commissioned as a way of getting a company’s name into the papers (Virgin Media in this case) it seems about right.

There are many times we say thank you when we really don’t mean it. Let’s put them in a list.

1 – When you have just held a door open for someone and they didn’t say anything. You may then find yourself acting out a small vignette of, “Thank you.” “No trouble at all, you’re so very welcome.”

2 – When you have just received poor service but the British gene kicks in and you thank someone anyway. If a hairdresser has just made you look like you just lost a fight with Edward Scissorhands, you think, “Oh my god!” and yet you say, “Thank you. That looks great.”

3 – When you are not sure if you have just been complimented or insulted. If someone says, “Oh, I like that top. So much better.” Your month will busy itself with a thank you while you’re working out that they’re saying you normally look like shite.

4 – Considering the time this survey was conducted over there would also be thank-yous said by people who went out for a run while the clap for carers moment was happening and they thought it was for them.

The survey found that Brits typically say thanks 207 times a month and that 54 aren’t sincere. Of course some have to be fake ones. Have you seen life in the UK lately? If you had 207 reasons to be thankful this year we’d all think you were a psychopath.

>Read the source story


 | ☕ TIP (Help by donating)
 | 📕 READ (the NEW topical comedy ebook)
 | 📺 WATCH (CSP Live Comedy Show)
Share:

15/06/2021

What Lockdown Book Would You Write? [Podcast]

Steve N Allen is back on the radio weekdays from 4pm.

Here are edited bits of a recent show. In this show we look at the books you could have written in lockdown, the latest on Beniffer and the story of a mouse that ate a human eye.

Here is the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Tuesday 15th of June 2021.)




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed | | |

Get the info on how to listen to the show live here.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.

Share:

11/06/2021

This Solves eScooters [Podcast]

Steve N Allen is back on the radio weekdays from 4pm.

Here are edited bits of a recent show. In this show we solve the problem of eScooters in the UK, find out that you shouldn't trust Holly Willoughby and the broadcast is interupted by aliens, again.

Here is the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Friday 11th of June 2021.)




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed | | |

Get the info on how to listen to the show live here.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.

Share:

08/06/2021

Is Lilibet A Good Name [Podcast]

Steve N Allen is back on the radio weekdays from 4pm.

Here are edited bits of a recent show. It covers the problems with sheds, the Cruella sequel and the name Lilibet inspires.

Here is the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Monday 7th of June 2021.)




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed | | |

Get the info on how to listen to the show live here.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.

Share:

07/06/2021

When Seagull Attack & Human Echolocation [Podcast]

Post-pando, there is a return of Steve N Allen to the radio and thinks haven't got more sensible in the meantime.

Here are edited bits of a recent show. It covers animals attacking at the G7, ways to learn how to see as well as a bat and more.

Here is the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Friday 4th of June 2021.)




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed | | |

Get the info on how to listen to the show live here.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.

Share:

It's Time To Stockpile Cat Food

These tail-end days of the lockdown are annoying. We spend our time upset about where we can go maskless and how many strangers we can meet in the park of an evening. In many ways I preferred the first lockdown.

There was a thrill to the unknown. How would we cope with isolation? Did we have enough toilet roll? Why does Joe Wicks sound like that?

We stockpiled tinned foods like they were going out of fashion and most of it tasted terrible. I don’t know why anyone wants to tin peaches but the result looks like a medical experiment.

Therefore it is over a year too late to read the news story of a couple who were enjoying an “absolutely gorgeous pâté” only to find out it was cat food.

The couple, Donald and Margaret Lincoln, thought the ‘pâté’ was lovely. I’m sure the selection of flavours appealed too. Was it tuna, beef and mouse? They had it on baked bread and messaged their daughter to say how nice it was.

The daughter, Angela, who had done the shopping, didn’t remember buying any tinned pâté. They worked out what must have happened. Meanwhile the cat was probably eating a tin of peaches thinking the owners were trying to poison it.

The really strange thing is that no one noticed the cat on the packaging. Or if they did they must have thought it was cat flavoured. I’m not sure which would be worse.

Thankfully it has no ill effects and the couple are in good health, they’ve had their flee drops and in their next pâté there’ll be a worming tablet crushed.

>Read the source story


 | ☕ TIP (Help by donating)
 | 📕 READ (the NEW topical comedy ebook)
 | 📺 WATCH (CSP Live Comedy Show)
Share:

04/06/2021

Nice Words & Things You Can't Do [Podcast]

I'm back doing some radio again, so why not put some of the random things that happen on the show into a podcast? That's the question I didn't think of an answer to quickly enough. In this show we look at the words you enjoy saying and the things you can't do that everyone else can. There is also a riddle or two in there but I don't think they ever get solved.

Here is the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Thursday 3rd of June 2021.)




Download the mp3.

     | Subscribe with iTunes | Subscribe via RSS feed | | |

Get the info on how to listen to the show live here.

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
All past episodes can be found in the radio podcast archive.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.



Share:

29/05/2021

Traffic Lights To Be Set To Red In London

Cars, like Brexit and Marmite, polarise people. It seems that the middle-aged Jag driving sort are on one side and the pink-haired environmentalists are on the other. Real life is, as ever, somewhere in between the extremes.

The latest battle ground is traffic lights with the news that some parts of London will see the traffic lights set to red to give priority to pedestrians. The status quo is that the default position for traffic lights is with a red man telling people not to cross.

The new trial will see the lights resting with a green man and it will change to red when traffic is detected.

It’s only a trial, which means it is too early to know if this is a good idea or not but that won’t have stopped people making their minds up already.

Anything that saves me having to push the button to cross the road is a good move. That was a gross activity even before a pandemic. Who knows which nose-picker just used that button before you.

One worry is that more cars will have to idle. If you are worrying about saving the planet you don’t want cars burning petrol to go nowhere. One argument is that making life less fun for the motorist will make more of them stop driving, but if you follow that logic the London Mayor should bring in a system where anyone using a car has to submit to a titty twister when they cross the North and South Circular.

Better flow of people should be the goal but that doesn’t have to be people in cars. A plan to increase and improve walking in London would be worthwhile. I’m just not sure that waiting at traffic lights is the reason people stay home. I have never thought about going for a walk and talked myself out of it because of crossings. I have worried about crime, safety, and even the quality of the air. I would pick a route down the back roads. Red traffic lights will line the streets with iddling vehicles so walking would be even less fun.

There is one issue with this idea that my mind keeps coming back to. If you’re going for a walk, you come up to a cross where the red man is doing his thing but there are no cars around. You’d walk across.

If you were a car, pulling up to a red light but with no pedestrians there, you can’t move.

Share:

28/05/2021

The Dominic Cummings White-Board

Before the 7 hours of ranting began Dominic Cummings had tweeted out pictures of the white-boards that were used for the Government brainstorming and planning stage. This was before lockdown 1. There are some shocking details including the question, "Who do we not save?"

In the video below we take a look at some of the pictures and comments on the board.
Share:

26/05/2021

Belarus Hijacking Plane – The Musical

The West has been shocked by the actions of Belarus by effectively hijacking a Ryanair plane from the skies. It was heading to Lithuanian from Greece but was forced to go to Minsk, which from the point of view of Ryanair is close enough. Normally they’d put on a coach and leave you too it.

The man they were after was opposition journalist Roman Protasevich. He has since been seen on video confessing to crimes, but the crimes he has fessed up to are mainly about organising a protest against the government.

It’s hard to imagine what that would be like. In the UK people protest all the time. People protest against the Government telling us to wear masks. People protest against the Government for not telling us to wear masks enough. And then people protest about the protests.

One theory that is definitely wrong is that Belarus is upset because they were banned from this year’s Eurovision Song Contest and are acting up because of it. Is that a motivation behind a rogue state? Probably not, but it let us work on this song that Belarus wanted to perform, which you can watch below.



[Video taken from the Comics Solving Problems comedy show]
Share:

03/05/2021

Less Lockdown = More Rude Stuff

This week the Mirror newspaper ran a headline saying it won’t be long till we are hugging grannies again. I don’t actually have any grannies left, so this could be the strangest giveaway a national newspaper has ever done.

Meanwhile the Sunday Times reported that "Lovers liberated after lockdown spark sexplosion". Given that sexplosion isn’t really a word it’s hard to know exactly what they mean by this. Is it something that will show up on the seismographs or simply leave a mess?

Whatever it is we know its cause. The end of lockdown has brought about an increased demand for condoms and morning after pills. It’s an interesting effect of getting our freedoms back and also makes you realise that over the last year a higher proportion of people buying condoms were doing it to smuggle things in.

At the moment the rules state that you can go on a date with someone and have a drink outside but you are not allowed to take things into the bedroom. It’s like much of the dating I did in my twenties but with slightly more handwashing.

The increased sales figures tell us that either more people are breaking the rules and nipping to the bedroom with their new friend or there are some very dodgy things happening in pub car parks. Or both.

It’s difficult to complain about people’s actions. If there is one lesson the Great Doing Nothing of 2020 taught us is that we should embrace life whenever we can. You don’t know when the next plague will come along and take life from some of us, so if you can have a moment of pleasure with someone you should get stuck in, which I am told is not the way to phrase it just before the act.

Yes, I know that any rule-breaking could lead to an increased spread of COVID that could lead to older and more vulnerable people catching it but if you’re spending more time in bed you’re spending less time visiting older people, so the effects might cancel.

Whatever you do, do it safely and wear protection. And I don’t mean a mask. But I also don’t not mean a mask, if that’s what you’re into. Get stuck in.

Share:

29/03/2021

[VIDEO] A Look At The Vaccines

There has been a lot in the news lately about problems with vaccines. Not just the usual tinfoil hat types who think vaccines are evil and anyone who doesn't follow what they see on the Internet is a sheep - oh the irony - but supply lines, health worries and almost a smear campaign from the EU.

In this video we take a look at some of the issues.
Share:

Boris Johnson Has Affair, Shocker?

The world was rocked recently by the news that British Prime Minister Boris Johnson had an affair. In the same way that you feel rocked when a BMW driver doesn’t indicate or a toddler falls down, we are talking about that level of surprise.

A while back a scandal broke about BJ’s closeness to business-person Jennifer Arcuri, although most of the newspapers focussed on the fact that she owned a pole-dancing pole, which is why I’m changing my official bio from writer to “Pelaton owner”.

There were innuendoes about the likelihood of those two getting jiggy-with-it and a more serious question about the processes that were used to get Jennifer Arcuri access to business grants.

At the time I remember Jennifer saying she gave Boris some tech lessons, which now we are hearing might have been learning where the batteries go.

Now that the story had simmered down and we had bigger pandemic fish to fry, Ms Arcuri spoke to a newspaper confirming the dirty deed, or rather four years worth of deeds from 2012. At the time we were all feeling a little more athletic because the Olympics were coming to town. I’m sure that added to it.

In the interview we learn that Jennifer sent him “arty topless pictures” (are there any other kind, from the point of view of the sender) and said they had a mutual “physical and intellectual attraction” (I can spot the division of labour there).

We hear about the time they were intimate before he headed off to the opening of the 2012 London Paralympics and how, before he left, she had to hunt for a sock he lost in the throes of passion. Ah yes, that moment where you turn a lady on by whipping your sock off and lobbing it across the room.

All of these “erotic” details are all very well but it’s worth remembering that the affair isn’t the story. It may be immoral but it’s not illegal to have a fling with another grown adult but the dodgy part here is whether the taxpayer-funded trade missions and grants were made available to Jennifer Arcuri because Boris Johnson was doing to the Nolan Principles of Public Life what he was doing to her after he’d launched his socks.

But there’s no pole dancing in that bit of the story, so nevermind.

Share:
Buy Me a Coffee at ko-fi.com

Get the FREE SomeNews email

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner



"Today's Some News email is hilarious... Subscribe if you haven't yet! Top stuff" 

Twitter

LIVE SHOWS

The SomeNews Live Show
See where the SomeNews Live Show will be next.

Contact

If you need to get in touch email info@somenews.co.uk. See the About SomeNews page for more info.

Blog Archive

Podcast