22/03/2020

[Columns] How To Work From Home During Coronavirus

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, I have been using more of the columns to find the uplifting angles to the main news. In this one I look at some tips from for working at home, seeing as I have done it, and secretly loved it, for years. Click to have a read.

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21/03/2020

What Will A Corona Wedding Be Like

More coronavirus fallout coming down the news pipes, which I am trying to spin into good news to help us all cope.

We've been told that weddings will be limited to five people. This is good news in many ways. It will help to cut down on social interaction, which can lead to viral spread, but also it means it will cut down the chances of being invited to a wedding.

When the economy takes a downturn it is good to know we won't have to buy toasters for people we hardly know.

It also means good news for anyone who is getting married when they shouldn't. The vicar will say, "If anyone here knows of any reason these two should not be joined in holy matrimony speak now or forever hold their peace." There are fewer people to say anything. This is a great time for bigamy.

Is five still too many? We're trying to avoid spreading a disease here. They have cancelled my stand up gigs and some of those only had five people in them, so we can do better.

The church says you need five. You need to have a priest, a bride and groom (or brides and grooms totalling two), and two witnesses. Surely these days the witnesses could be replaced by a CCTV system. We could get that down to three.

The priest? Really needed? With talk of having patients seeing doctors on Skype I'm sure we could do something similar. Doctors have a greater need to interact with you. You may have to disrobe for a doctor. You really really shouldn't for a priest.

We're down to the main two. We can't get lower than that but we could ask them to stand two metres apart and when they go home to have their honeymoon in isolation we could ask that they don't go near each other at all.

That way, they won't just be like newlyweds, it'll be like they have been married for years.

⮱Read the source story

[Audio]: Here's some audio on panic buying



Check this out on Chirbit



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20/03/2020

Will We Turn The Coronavirus Tide?

On what feels like Day 172 of the Corona Crisis (we're actually about a week in), we finally heard some good news from our Prime Minister.

Boris Johnson has said he is "absolutely confident" that the UK can "turn the tide" of the coronavirus outbreak in 12 weeks.

Don't get me wrong, 12 weeks is a long time, especially if you're having to spend most of that time trapped at home with your relatives. It's a well-worn phrase, "You can pick your friends, not your family," but you don't get locked down with the people you'd pick, do you?

No one has factored into the projected death rate the number of people done in because they said, "Right, where shall we go today?" everyday during a quarantine.

There is a caveat. The Prime Minister said we could turn the tide "if" we stuck to the rules set out by the Government. Oh dear. I'm not sure we'll do that. We don't seem to be good at sticking to rules even when they are for our own good. We can't keep BMW drivers out of the motorway lanes with a red X on them even with a wide reaching radio ad campaign.

We are a nation of people who need to be told, every time a Tube train pulls up, "Please allow passengers off the train before you board."

The platform announcers may as well be saying, "Please obey the laws of physics. Allow mass that is occupying the space that you would like to occupy to leave that space before you move your mass into it." That's how basic their request is and yet the people on the platform still try to rush onto the train.

Those people must hate it when they're trying on shoes and there's some paper stuffed down the toe end. "No, I won't take the paper out first before I put my foot in. Bring me the size 14s!"

If our future safety is dependent on our ability to follow rules, we're all in trouble.

Before the pubs were forced to close we had been advised not to go to them, but in London you could see people out drinking every evening. And if they drove there I bet they didn't even follow the arrows painted on the floor of the car park.

We've all eaten a microwaved meal that tells you it needs 4 minutes, a stirring, and another 4 minutes but we don't follow that rule. We put it on for 8 and eat a dish that's somehow too hot and too cold at the same time.

The rule is, "Do not use cotton buds in your ears." And yet we all do. Why are they making so many cotton buds if people aren't using them in their ears?

We know that speeding kills so a rule telling us to keep below a certain speed is good for us and yet a record 2.02 million speeding tickets were handed out in England and Wales last year, according to figures from collated by the Home Office.

The only rule I agree with breaking now is the one we're old on the London Underground. They have signs that say, "Always hold the handrail." No. I'd rather take my chances with gravity than pick up whatever germs these train rushing, arrow ignoring, bad microwaving, fast cotton budders have left on there.

⮱Read the source story

[Audio]: Good news for hand sanitiser users.




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14/03/2020

[Columns] How Are We Coping With Coronavirus

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire and Hertfordshire.

With the UK struggling to get to grips with the corona crisis, events may be cancelled, elections will be, toilet roll has never been so wanted, here is a collection of recent newspaper columns I have written on the topic. Click to have a read.

In the Hackney Gazette I tried to find the positives for introverts during this difficult time.



In the Barking and Dagenham Post I talk loo roll and other essential supplies.


And in the Swindon Advertiser I tackle the issue of panic buying. I tried to get people to stop. Judging by the look of the shelves in the shop, I need to work harder.


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05/03/2020

Are You Really Safe From Coronavirus On The London Underground

There is a lot of misinformation out there about coronavirus. There must be. That’s why a recent poll found that 38% of beer-drinking Americans say they won't order a Corona because of the virus.

When bird flu was in the news did they swap which brand of powdered custard they bought? Probably.

It’s like the ignorance we had in the 80s but this time you can catch this illness from heavy petting and toilet seats. You’re more likely to do some heavy petting or spend time near a toilet seat if you have had lots of Corona lager to drink, so maybe they have a point.

I am all for averting a panic but I’m not sure about what the London mayor has been saying. Sadiq Khan has said there is ‘no risk’ of people catching coronavirus while travelling on buses or trains in the capital.

No risk? Has he been on the Tube? It feels like there’s a risk of catching things they haven’t been discovered yet.

There are loudspeaker safety announcements that tell us, “Always hold the handrail.” No way. I would rather take my chances with gravity than risk catching whatever lies on that dirty rubber band.

Mr Khan said it is “important we don’t spread panic or alarm”. I agree, but don’t promise too much. OK, the air is so thick and toxic down on the Underground that there’s a chance the virus is killed off as soon as it is sneezed out, but can we be 100% sure?

The thing about the Tube is that there are lots of people on it, around 5million use it everyday. And a lot of those people are dirty gits. You can be sat there, reading your copy of the Hackney Gazette*, minding your own business when you hear someone start coughing and you see they’re not covering their mouths.

They might as well be going round licking the metal poles. People would still get ill but at least the poles would get a bit of a clean.

Some have tried to reduce their chance of catching corona on the Tube. There have been pictures of people wearing one cup from an old bra over their face. Don’t do that in public. That’s the kind of thing to enjoy in the privacy of your own home.

There was one man who wore a Tesco bag-for-life over his head. It might stop you breathing in germs but only because it’ll stop you breathing. Even children know not to put plastic bags on their heads. That bag-for-life won’t have to last long to fulfil the promise in its name.

There are still relatively few cases of people with COVID-19 in the UK so the odds of contracting it are very small. There’s no need to make your own hazmat suit but don’t promise there’s no chance of catching it on the Tube because that would imply it’s safer down there than everywhere else. And if that's true, the rest of the world needs a deep clean.

⮱Read the source story

*Where you can read my newspaper column

[Audio]: A look at the hygiene advice we’re getting with COVID-19



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02/03/2020

[Video] Fake News - Priti and Yorkshire Tea

You can now see Steve N Allen in the webshow Fake News. This week we covered the missing Radio 1 DJ issue, Yorkshire tea's right wing credentials and Priti Patel's evil side.

It’s a topical comedy show that mixes fake news with the real stuff but is there any difference.

Follow it on YouTube to see all the episode.



📺See the rest here
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01/03/2020

[Podcast] Steve N Allen's Week ep 129 - Priti Patel, AI Police and Terror

It’s episode 129, already!

In this week’s episode of the Steve N Allen’s Week podcast we talk about...

How you could smell like terror
Why computers are replacing the police
The town with more hairdressers than heads
Pun crimes and Priti Patel’s bullying and whatnot

Have a listen…


And now you can subscribe to the podcast so you never miss it.

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24/02/2020

A Few More Columns

Each week I write newspaper columns for a variety of titles across the UK. You can find then in London, Essex, Derbyshire, Nottinghamshire, Lincolnshire and Wiltshire.

Here are a few from this week. Click on the picture if you’d like to read it.

In the Romford Recorder I look at one of the reasons there could be fewer people paying the licence fee.


In this week’s Swindon Advertiser I defend the NHS from another attacker. It's Gwyneth Paltrow and her candle in her wind.


Keep an eye out in your local paper as you never know when I might be writing something near you.

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Fake News

You can now see Steve N Allen in the webshow Fake News.

It’s a topical comedy show that mixes fake news with the real stuff but is there any difference.

Follow it on YouTube to see all the episode.

Here’s a recent one to get you started.



📺See the rest here
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22/02/2020

[Podcast] Steve N Allen’s Week ep 128 - Fashion, Breakfast and Cheats

In this week’s episode of the Steve N Allen’s Week podcast we talk about...

Steve at London Fashion Week
The London Eye turns 20
What should happen to people who eat in cinemas
The Learner Driver who cheated
Why breakfast may make you slimmer

Have a listen…



And now you can subscribe to the podcast so you never miss it.


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19/02/2020

Hey Alexa! Is This Proof You're Spying On Us

Google Home, Amazon’s Echo and the like are often referred to as internet-enabled speakers, but that’s only half the story. If we called them internet-enabled microphones we’d feel a little creeped out. They are in our homes listening to us all the time.

When I first got one I like it. It was rare to be listened to at home. But now we’re hearing stories about how these things spy on us.

A former Amazon executive, Robert Fredrick, has said he turns the company’s Alexa smart speakers off when he wants to have a ‘private’ moment.

We all assume he means sex. What other private moment would you not want recording? You’re far less likely to shout out the wrong name during a poo.

It must act as an early warning sign for his missus. When she notices him going round unplugging the smart speakers she knows what’s about to happen.

Recently we heard that Amazon admitted it did turn over recordings made by Alexa to contractors to analyse. Those contractors aren’t meant to let humans have a listen and laugh at the rude stuff but you can’t be sure. It’s the same logic that means you didn’t take your saucy photos to be developed in Snappy Snaps.

In an interview with the BBC, Robert said he turns the devices off if he wants to talk about something that he wouldn’t want people listening to. He said, “I don’t want certain conversations to be heard by humans.”

The obvious question is, if he doesn’t want humans to hear it, who is he having that conversation with?

It’s either our alien overlords or is Henry the Hoover needs help.




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[Podcast] Steve N Allen’s Week ep 127

In this week’s episode of the Steve N Allen’s Week podcast we talk about the man who sat in a barrel at the top of a pole for very little reason, jackets for cyclists, how to date a millennial, the Bond film theme, Boris’s new bridge, the woman who dated a bank robber by mistake, why we should ban the hospital gown and probably much much more.

Have a listen…


And now you can subscribe to the podcast so you never miss it.


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17/02/2020

Coronavirus Masks Are The Fashion For London

You know me, I follow London Fashion Week as much as the next man, as long as the next man is a Northerner who has worn the same outfit for the last twenty years.

Normally there are weird outfits that you know you will never see anyone wearing. Some model will parade along the catwalk in a shredded bin liner with rabbit foot keyrings attached and electrical tape on their nipples and that’s meant to be what everyone will be wearing next year.

OK, if Brexit hits hard maybe people will be wearing bin bags but who is going to bother with the tape? It’ll pull the hairs out when you remove it.

This year that won’t be a problem as some models have been wearing something that you can already see on the High Street. They’re wearing face masks.

Maybe I’m out of touch but I don’t look for the latest trends when I am buying a face mask, I just look for the one that will stop me catching the latest pox. Am I “soooo last season” if mine still says SARS on it and not COVID-19?

It’s like what my parents would say when I had to wear a cagoule, “It doesn’t matter what you look like, as long as you’re dry.” They were right. I wasn’t fully dry because of all the tears caused by the bullying I received for wearing that cagoule but at least I didn’t get the rain on me.

A fashion face mask might not be as good as a standard one. Have you seen what fashion has been doing to jeans lately? They used to have a few rips in them when distressed jeans became a thing but now it’s more rip than jean. You see some people looking like they have just narrowly survived a werewolf attack.

You do that to a face mask and you’re catch whatever is going.

Of course, there is every chance that the people at the London Fashion Show aren’t wearing them to look good and maybe it’s because a fashion show brings together people from all over the world so could easily spread viruses but I wouldn’t know. As I said, if it’s not jeans and a shirt I have no idea what fashion is.




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