Rio Olympic Update

Things are hotting up for the Rio Olympics. All the preparation work is well underway. Politicians are being paid off, mosquitoes are being asked to stay away from the lovely spending tourists, and now this...

Two German TV teams had their equipment stolen in Rio de Janeiro’s city centre.

Can I just say, it's a brave thief that tries to nick something in a city that is going to be filled with people who can run very fast.

Judo is an Olympic sport. Rio based pick-pockets are risking getting flung into their nearest pond whenever they go to work. And you do not want to be in a pond in Rio. That's where the mosquitoes hang out.

And even if they can't out run you or out Judo you, if you pick-pocket a javelin thrower, you'd better make sure you nick their javelin too, or you'll be wearing it through your torso.

A truck carrying two containers was heading to the Olympic Park when armed men intercepted it and held the driver hostage.

If anyone tries to sell you a truck load of TV equipment it might be a bit dodgy.

If they get caught, in related news...

“Brazilian company contractor that used to supply to ankle bracelets for those under house arrest has suspended its services due to non-payment.”

Brilliant. Of course you wouldn't pay. What's the worst that's going to happen? They take you to court, put you under house arrest? They've just stopped supplying the ankle bracelets!

Read More

[Radio Podcast] House Guests & Simon Cowell

This week's show looked at the annoying things house guests do, Simon Cowell's little baby, and the biggest news of all, the fact that I didn't get a coffee on the way in because of some builders. Ooooh, builders. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 16th February 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section. And I'm on radio Monday to Friday in Reading on Reading 107, 2pm to 7pm.



Download the mp3 or ogg

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

Read More

[Radio Podcast] Happy Thoughts & Sochi News

This week on the radio show we were asking for your happy news to cheer up some penguins, we heard the latest Sochi fails from the Winter Olympics, and of course we talk about Justin Bieber, like we have for the last few weeks. Here's the podcast of it for you to download/listen. (Originally broadcast on Sunday 9th February 2014.)

I'm back doing the show on Time 107.5 in Essex next Sunday from 7am till midday. For details on how to listen see this section. And I'm on radio Monday to Friday in Reading on Reading 107, 2pm to 7pm.



Download the mp3 or ogg

    

To find more radio show minipodcasts see here.
And if you enjoyed that check out the SomeNews Topical Podcast.

Read More

US Olympian Disqualified

Oh no. It happens every time but it is always a shock. An Olympic athlete has been disqualified for taking drugs. Tut. That's not the Olympic spirit, to use a drug to cheat. So, what drug did he use to get that competitive advantage? Marijuana!

What? How is that going to help? Unless they have added talking metaphysical balls as a team sport it's not a performance enhancing drug. If anything it's a performance worsening drug. If you want to make it harder for yourself, go for it. Feel free to also drink Ovaltine and sit down funny on your own nads before a game.

It was judo star Nick Delpopolo. How was "the weed" going to help him? He's meant to fight? He'll be going up to the other athletes and trying to hug them. That's not what you do in judo. That's what you do in sumo.

I suppose it's a health and safety thing. You don't want a black belt judo expert with the munchies. If you get between him and his Twix he will mess you up.

Delpopolo has apologised to organisers, fans and fellow athletes and accepted his expulsion. He claims he unwittingly ate a brownie that had been baked with the drug.

Someone spiked his brownie with weed? The Dutch competitor is looking pretty dodgy right now.

Hang on. A spiked brownie. He's a grown man. The only time grown men eat brownies is when there's some drugs in it. Or if he eats a brownie that doesn't contain marijuana, it's because he's just had the marijuana and now he's hungry

>Read the source story

Read More

Britain Wins Gold

Britain has finally won gold at the London Olympics.

I nearly missed it. I was watching the synchronised diving. Or to give it its official name, "Women's Badminton."

If you don't know what happened with that, some of the women's teams had already qualified for the next round and if they lost the second heat they would get the easier picks in the next round. So they threw the games. If they needed someone who could lose and make it look good they should've asked me. OK, I would've looked like a bloke dressed as a woman, but so many of these female athletes do.

South Korea head coach Sung Han-kook admitted his two pairings attempted to throw their matches against China's world champion duo and the Indonesians, but said it was in retaliation against the Chinese team. "The Chinese started this. They did it first," Sung told reporters through an interpreter.

That seems odd. China has been fighting hard to win so far this Olympics. The Chinese female athletes have been doing very well. It makes you wonder how much better they would've done if they let more of the girl babies live.

But anyway, back to the UK. A while back there was a problem with Olympic security, so the organisers called in the army. Then there was a scandal over the empty seats, so they called in the army to fill them. Then we miss out on gold till Heather Stanning, who's in the army, won one. It makes the cuts troop numbers really cheeky.

Heather Stanning was teamed with Helen Glover and they took gold in the women's pairs before a screaming crowd of 25,000, including Princes William and Harry, and many more glued to television screens.

I was watching. OK, it was because I read "women's pair" in the listings. It didn't do what it said on the tin.

Add to that Bradley Wiggins taking gold in the cycling and we are back on form.

It was great to see Wiggins racing on his bike through the streets of Surrey. Seeing bikes not in the velodrome but actually on roads makes them seem like normal cyclists. And you can see these bike go zooming through even when the traffic lights are on red. Yep, just like normal cyclists.

>Read the source story

Get the latest by bookmarking the SomeNews Olympic Updates page here.

Read More

Podcast 34 - London 2012 Olympics, Double-Dip Recession and China, Fifty Shades of Grey and Drinking Meat

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 34. It's a different look at some news.

In this podcast:

Olympics (Starts @01:30)
Double-Dip Recession (Starts @ 08:00)
Fifty Shades of Grey (Starts @10:20)
Terror alerts in the UK (Starts @16:00)




More Options
  Subscribe on iTunes

Download the mp3

Download from the back-up server

Get email alert when new podcast is released

Subscribe to the RSS feed

Get the podcast via bit torrent

Listen via the SomeNews Android app

Email this podcast to a friend

Pass it on  

Read More

Olympics Empty Seat Scandal

The latest scandal at the London Olympics is that masses of empty seats have been seen at many events.

Don't worry, some of those same empty seats keep turning up at my comedy gigs. Don't let it stop you. Admittedly, the Olympians don't get many laughs. So we have two things in common already.

Millions of people applied for tickets in the ballot but were told they couldn't have any, so these empty seats have kind of been rubbing their noses in it. It's like when you enter a lottery, don't win and later hear that some chump hasn't claimed the prize money.

The scandal before this was when we heard G4S had screwed up the security, so the organisers had to bring the army in. Now there's a scandal over the unused seats can you guess what they have done? They've brought in the army.

They are giving some of these unused seats to soldiers. You feel sorry for any terrorists. It's soldiers on the doors and soldiers in the stadia. And the people competing can throw things like javelins a really long way.

It's a good job the Arab Spring wasn't this year. "Sorry Libya, all of our armed forces are busy. They have beach volleyball at 3pm."

Still, it's not a bad idea, when things don't go well with the Olympics we call in the military. They should've done it when Rebecca Adlington was only going to get bronze. Send in the navy to torpedo the two in the lead.

>Read the source story

Get the latest by bookmarking the SomeNews Olympic Updates page here.

Read More

Olympics Update: It's Started, Kinda

Here's today's SomeNews Olympic Update.

Good news. A planned strike by immigration workers on the eve of the London 2012 Olympics has been called off by the Public and Commercial Services union.

Immigration workers? They're the ones who control who comes into this country, right? Having them on strike was the one thing that could've helped us win. If their strike could've left backlogs at the ports our athletes could've finally run at their own pace and got some gold medals. And the UK needs some gold medals.

It's not just about the increase morale of winning, the UK actually needs the gold. We could send it to some of those Cash4Gold places and sort out this darned double-dip recession.

And that's another piece of news, we're in the longest double-dip recession in 50 years after we heard the economy had shrunk for the third quarter in a row. If you think a "dip" lasts 9 months, stay the heck away from my tea with your biscuits. And that's good news for pregnant women. The 9 months you spend going through changes, getting massive probably getting piles... just a dip.

And in other Olympics news, it's started. The women's football got under way, even though the opening ceremony isn't till later this week. If this were the 100-metres, that would be a false start.

Not only is it before the start, it's also taking place in Cardiff. It's sexism. They make the women play their Olympic football before the Olympic starts and they play in Cardiff, as part of London 2012.

Still, it's not a bad idea. If we could move all the events to before the start, it won't matter that the immigration people will let the other athletes in, we will have already won.


Get the latest by bookmarking the SomeNews Olympic Updates page here.

Read More

The Olympics Are Coming

There's no getting away from it. The Olympics are here. At least I hope they are, or there's a dude running round London with a flame. The last time that happened we lost Carpet Right.

We've had months of moaning about the games being held here, which probably stems from the fact that we're paying for it and we don't think we're going to win much. If moaning about the Olympics was an Olympic sport we'd get gold, and then we'd stop moaning about them. And lose the medal... now this is confusing.

Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt has said the London Games will show the world what Britain is capable of. And he's right. Grid-locked roads, security lapses, embarrassed politicians. It's like a little mini-UK for everyone to see.

Speaking on Sky News (still close with Sky is he), Jeremy said the Olympics will boost national confidence at a time when the country needs it.

Does he mean if we win a lot of things? Because if he wants us to win a lot of medals he should get his friends in the Government to arrange another 3 mile queue at customs. If we can keep the other competitors queuing in airports we might win.

Or does he mean we'll get a sense of satisfaction from hosting the thing? We'll enjoy paying to get beaten by people? That's sounds a bit S&M. He really is a Tory, isn't he?

I hope he's right, but even if he's not it won't really matter. It's in the British nature to moan and complain, so while the Olympics are on we'll continue to pick fault with everything. But when the Paralympics start our British awkwardness will kick in and we won't be able to say anything other than, "Isn't it amazing what they do." One way or another we'll get behind it.

>Read the source story

P.S. During the Olympics you can read our special sporting news section. Just bookmark the SomeNews: Olympics feed.

Read More

Olympian Banned From Sex With His Own Wife

Australia's Olympic team has had an interesting issue. One of its athletes has complained that he has been banned from sleeping with his own wife at the Games Village.

That seems like it is out of order. In the UK we don't ban our sportsmen from sleeping with their own wives. Heck, for John Terry, anyone's wife is game.

Shooter Russell Mark... before we carry on, is that the right job title? It's what it said in the newspaper. He's shooting at the Olympics but calling him a shooter is like calling Victoria Pendleton a peddler. Anyway...

Shooter Russell Mark has said that his wife Lauryn, a fellow competitor, has been told to stay in a separate room during the Olympics. Why is he so upset? When you go away with your partner and find out the hotel only has twin beds, be honest, do you think, "Great! I'll finally get some room to myself."

He said the Australian authorities enforced the ban following his wife's appearance in Zoo magazine. I'm not sure why that would make them want him to stop having sex with her. Unless it wasn't the lads mag, it was just a zoo magazine. If she's in the Olympics is she a person or is she competing in the dressage?

Mark said about the officials: "They are pissed with my stance on sleeping tablets."

He is pro-sleeping tablets and he thinks that's why they have banned him from having sex with his wife. If he is taking all those sleeping tablets he wouldn't be having that much sex anyway.

Mark also said: "I am very frustrated because in sport there are a lot of same sex couples and it's OK to be partners with someone of the same sex but if you are heterosexual you are penalised."

He nearly made a pun there.

The best bit is the story is where Nick Green, 'chef de mission' for the Australian team joins in. He said, "It is simply not true." That means it was just something his missus made up to get out of having sex with him.

He certainly won't be a 'shooter' during this Olympics.

>Read the source story

Read More

50 Shades of Beach Volleyball

Get the latest SomeNews Olympic Updates here

First we hear that the travel arrangements in London might not be ready for the Olympics, the M4 was closed and G4S totally messed up Olympic security. But now we hear the worse news about the sporting events at London 2012. Olympic beach volleyball players to be allowed to wear more clothes!

The first response is to think, "Well that's ruined the game. You only watch women's beach volleyball because you want to see some arse. It's the same reason you watch John Terry play." Beach volleyball without the sexy outfits is just a few silly shaped racquets away from badminton, and who watches that?

But on seconds thoughts, I didn't realise the volleyballers were forced to wear such sexy outfits. I didn't realise volleyball was run by some Jabba The Hutt figure who made the women wear bikinis. Next we'll spot the chains round their necks.

The International Volleyball Federation (FIVB) has said it will allow shorts and sleeved tops at the 2012 Games, along with the traditional bikinis and body suits already permitted.

The more you think about it, the more forcing Olympians to wear sexy clothing is out of order. It's not meant to be like Babestation. Although Babestation would probably cost us a lot less.

Isn't this a worrying president to set? We could see other sports bring in sexually explicit dress codes and that would not be a good idea. Three words: Topless men's darts!

Or what about No Pants Triple Jump? The men's event would be hilarious to watch but that's not what it's meant to be.

Totally naked weight lifting would be a mixed bag. It would be gross but you'd be able to tell which men have been on steroids just by looking.

And if it spreads to other sports, trouserless snooker would be unwatchable thanks to the camera angles when they're taking a tricky shot.

The modified rule will now permit "shorts of a maximum length of three centimetres (1.18 inches) above the knee, and sleeved or sleeveless tops."

So they are still forced to show quite a lot of flesh. It seems like a pointless rule that only succeeds in stopping the ladies' fundamentalist Muslim team from playing the game. And stopping the women from doing that is exactly what the fundamentalist Muslim team is happy with.

>Read the source story

Read More

Olympic Defences Sound Shocking

The Ministry of Defence has confirmed that a "sonic weapon" will be deployed in London during the Olympics. Is it SuBo? It's SuBo isn't it? Yeah, SuBo.

Apparently it's an American-made Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) that can be used to send verbal warnings over a long distance or emit a beam of pain-inducing tones.

Hmm, something that emits pain-inducing tones over London. Will it have Neil Fox as the host?

An MoD spokesman said it would be used "primarily in the loud hailer mode", but it this device has the ability to produce a deafening 150 decibels. In case you don't realise how loud that is, 90 decibels is the noise a jumbo jet makes when it takes off, and 120 decibels is the sound of a baby sat next to you in a coffee shop while you're trying to read.

It's not the only defence they could be using. Earlier this week we heard they will have surface to air missiles ready to defend the Olympic games. I just hope, if they have to launch one, it goes off during the javelin event, because for those sat at the right angle that's going to look amazing.

>Read the source story

Read More

Olympic Flame's Thames Trip Cancelled

Plans to carry the Olympic flame down the Thames on a replica of an ancient Greek warship have been scuppered by Games bosses on health and safety grounds.

To be fair we should be grateful the health and safety people haven't had a freak out about the flame. I half expected our flame bearers to carry a torch with an orange bit of cloth blown by a fan in the base.

The 70-ton wooden trireme was to be rowed from Tower Bridge to Stratford on July 27th. No wonder health and safety had a problem. If you row something down the Thames these days some idiot will go for a swim in front of you as a protest.

The official line from officials is that the plans have been scrapped as it might be "too attractive" to visitors. A leaked email from Locog said: "Clearly a vessel such as the trireme has the greatest potential to draw large crowds and it is a risk as are just not able to take at the time."

If you don't want large crowds of people don't hold an Olympics. They tend to make people gather. It's a war ship, designed to kill people, and the health and safety worry is about overcrowding.

But I like the fact that something doesn't get the go ahead because it is "too attractive". Finally, I know why my career isn't going that well.

>Read the source story

Read More

Olympic Torch Past Tests

The Olympic Touch has passed rigorous tests to ensure the worst of Britain's weather will not be able to put it out.

They didn't need all this, they should just make the torch out of whatever they make those novelty birthday candles from. If it gets blown out, a few seconds later... poof! It's back on.

Two prototypes withstood 50mph winds, extreme temperate and driving rain.

I can understand the trouble with high winds and rain, but surely a flame is always subjected to extreme temperatures, or cooking times would be measured in years.

Harsh weather was simulated in a tunnel with a computer-controlled circulation system that allows experts to analyse the effects.

It's almost a shame we didn't have the Olympics last year. If the torch went out as it made it's way across London there were plenty of fires burning to relight in from.

>Read the source story

Read More

Olympics A Shake-Free Zone

Britain's Olympic hopefuls are being warned not to shake hands in case they catch a bug which wrecks their chances of a medal.

But if they're not allowed to shake hands that means they can't be racist. Sepp Blatter in the past said that a hand shake sorts out any racism, so a ban on shaking hands means they'll have to stop being racist... during the Olympics. The time when thousands of people from all over the world visit the UK and the racists will have to keep their thoughts to themselves. So expect to see the Daily Mail letters section grow in size for a while.

I like the idea though. As a bit of a germophobe I often wish that we could end this practice of shaking hands. It's an old tradition that started as a way of showing someone you weren't carrying a weapon. But I tend to just assume most people I meet don't want to kill me. And if I meet someone who doesn't shake my hands I don't think, "Hmm, this guy probably has a sword."

The British Olympic Association chief medical officer Dr Ian McCurdie said they should try "within reason" to avoid shaking hands.

It's harder than it looks. For years I've been trying to find the perfect way to get out of the shake and so far I have found no good answers. If someone puts their hand out for a shake you can't just leave them hanging, you look like the dick in that situation. You also can't shake it and straight away use some alcohol hand rub. You get an ever higher dick status that way.

If someone holds out their hand for a shake there's only one way to get out of it and that is to say, "Oh, we know each other too well for that." And then reach in for a hug. It gets you out of the shake but you're getting full body contact and probably their nits.

This is why I'm praying that the fist-bump catches on. It uses minimum hand contact on a safer area. But there's a cultural undertone to the fist-bump and with all those racists getting all pent up, I don't think I'll be in luck.

One thing I have noticed is that if you do well at something people come up and shake your hand as a way of saying well done. So if we want out athletes to not shake as many hands we need them to not win many golds. Now there's a plan we can stick to.

>Read the source story

Read More

The 2012 Making Babies Olympics

Experts say Britain will experience a baby boom in 2013 because of the 2012 Olympics.

It's because of the beach volleyball, isn't it?

Apparently it will act as a "cultural aphrodisiac" along with the Diamond Jubilee.

I can see how watching the fit sweating bodies of athletes in peak condition could float your boat but I don't think wrinkly royalty will be a turn on. If you get sexually excited by old posh people you're probably Sir Bruce Forsyth's wife.

Maybe that's not how it works. Maybe with the non-stop TV coverage the Olympics and Jubilee people will get bored and have to make their own entertainment. I will say this, if you're bored watching the Olympics and decide to have sex instead, turn the sound off. No one needs to hear the proof that their romp was over before Usain Bolt had won the 100m.

Apparently we'll have more babies the more gold medals we win. That implies it'll be part of the celebration. You watch one of our athletes take gold and to celebrate you go have some sex. That's a bit cheeky. It's not like you put in any of the effort to win that medal and yet you use the win to get yourself some ass. It's like a modern day Cyrano de Bergerac story.

Ellis Cashmore, professor of culture at Staffordshire University, said: "It's the kind of situation where people will feel well disposed to each other in an affable if not amorous way."

Just because you're affable with someone doesn't mean you should try to have sex. See, I was paying attention on the sexual harassment in the workplace course I was forced to go on.

>Read the source story

Read More

Happy New Year, 2012

As we can see from the front page of The Independent, 2012 started with a bang. I mean the fireworks on the right, not the exploding boobs on the left.

The UK saw in the New Year in the traditional way. Yep, fireworks are now a New Year tradition, along with Bonfire Night, Halloween, Christmas, the anniversary of England beating Germany in football and Tuesdays. Basically, not a night goes past without someone setting off a firework for some reason. And if you don't expect them you suddenly see a flash in the rear view mirror and think, "Oh crap! Speed camera!"

250,000 people queued up to see some explosion going off around the capital, but not all of them were al-Qa'ida.

And now we're in 2012, so what does this year have in story for us? It'll include the London Olympics (which will mean even more fireworks, no doubt). It'll be a great event whatever happens. If we win lots of golds we can get a Cash 4 Gold envelope and sort out this credit crunch. And if we lose we can read the Daily Mail bemoaning that the one thing worse than letting lots of foreigners into the country is letting in lots of foreigners who can run quickly.

2012 will also see the end of the Twilight saga, part 2 of Breaking Dawn. I don't know who plays Dawn but it sounds like it's going to be violent.

In TV land the BBC will show their new reality show The Voice, which is like The X Factor only the judges don't get to look at the contestants. But that's basically how Louis Walsh works thanks to the cataracts. If they could just invent a show where the audience don't get to see the contestants, or hear them, it would be great.

What else could happen in 2012? Well, Europe will have a closing down sale. England will lose a key match (doesn't really matter what sport, it'll be true) and the world will end in December and if it does anyone who took out a 24 month mobile phone contract will be upset.

Whatever happens, try to enjoy it. That's my New Year's Resolution for 2012, try to enjoy more things. It'll be better than my 2011 New Year's Resolution, which was "say yes to more things," which explains my obesity and Hep C.

Have a happy 2012.

Read More