Woman In Morgue Comes Back From The Dead

A woman who was pronounced dead, wrapped in plastic and put in a morgue was found breathing by her daughter when she went to say her last goodbyes.

Wow! I know plastic bags can keep things fresh but I didn't know they could do that.

According to reports, the 60-year-old woman had spent two hours inside a plastic bag in a refrigerated drawer after 'dying' from a pulmonary infection at Estadual Adao Pereira Nunes Hospital in Brazil.

And then she just came round. There you go, David Blaine, watch and learn.

Her daughter, Rosangela Celestrino, said: "I went to give my mum one last hug, and I could feel that she was breathing. I screamed out – my mum is alive! And they all looked at me like I was crazy."

It's a good job I wasn't there, because I play a lot of House of the Dead III in motorway service areas and anything that looks like a zombie doesn't come off well when I'm around.

Ms Celestrino said doctors thought she was joking when she shouted out that her mother was still alive.

Really? Is that a 'joke' that people often make when they have just lost a close relative? Do they pretend they're alive, maybe moving their jaw saying, "I don't want to get in the box! I want a gottle of gear!"

>Read the source story


UK's Health Is A Lottery

Health LotteryThe Express today has: New Lottery To Make Britain Better.

Eamonn Holmes was there to launch Britain's biggest lottery which has been designed to help our healthcare system. Of course. Because when you look at Eamonn you think, "health"! Giving a man with his appetite an extra appearance fee is hardly curing Britain's obesity issues. It'll help Gregs though.

If you look on the front page of The Star too you can see that Eamonn Holmes and Melinda Messenger were at the launch. Oh, so obesity and elective surgery. Well picked.

This lottery is pledging 50million pound-a-year to health causes.

I thought our NHS was already a lottery. They normally say it's a 'postcode lottery', which I didn't mind. I don't have a ticket but I have a postcode, so I'm just waiting till they tell me I've won.

Do we want a lottery to be linked to our healthcare? Normally if you go to the doctors and he says you have to wait for the right balls to drop you've just asked him about when you'll get pubes.

The other newspapers are less positive about this lottery but The Express and Star are raving about it. The lottery is set up by Richard Desmond. Is that Richard Desmond who owns The Express and Star?


Pregnant At 61

Pregnant At 61A 61-year-old woman is expecting her first baby.

It's going to be all dribbling and nappy-changing... and then a baby will come along.

No, I'm kidding. This is a wonderful story. This woman wanted a baby and thought it was too late for her, but thanks to a donor egg and what I imagine must've been a lot of WD40, she became pregnant.

She's from Brazil and has asked that her name not be used. Oh, I don't think people need your name to work out who you are. How many other 61-year-old women will have a massive pregnancy bump under their jumpers? Only you... and the shoplifters.

She had already gone through menopause but she got herself a 38-year-old hubby and wanted to be a mother.

Well, you shouldn't have married him. You should've adopted him. Two birds, one stone.

It's not without its risks. Being pregnant at that age puts a lot of strain on the woman's body. And the doctors have to pay special attention as things can be different, like when the mother's waters break it looks more like someone blowing the dust off an old book.

She's not the oldest woman to be a new mum; a few years back a 66-year-old woman gave birth after IVF. That was medically fascinating. She was so old she was the first women to breast-feed powdered milk.

OK, I have to be honest, I'm so jealous. She's a pensioner and she's pregnant. She can get any seat she wants on the bus.

>Read the source story

Kids These Day's, Eh?

A new survey says kids these days don't know the basic tasks we all learned as we were growing up. Only one in five of youngsters said they could tie a reef knot.

In their defence they might not be good at knots but they can bit torrent films and can loot better than we ever did. And maybe it's a good thing that kids can't tie people up. Just saying.

Also, 20% of kids say they would be able to repair a flat tyre on a cycle.

Even this one I can't really complain about because the last time I had a flat tyre on my car I thought, "Should I bend down and sort it or just get my money's worth out of that RAC membership?" And the thought crossed my mind, "I'd rather pay someone to bend down for me." Thankfully it's the only time I've thought that.

Just 17% of the young folk said they would be able to identify a star constellation using a telescope.

Oh come on. If you gave the younger me a telescope the only thing I'd identify would be the next door neighbour's teenage daughter's bedroom window. I'm reading this list and realising I can't do most of these either.

The poll, for the Scout Association, found almost a quarter said they would not be able to make and fly a kite or pitch a tent.

I could pitch a tent as a teenager. Especially if I had a telescope and was watching the neighbour's daughter through her window.

>Read the source story

Q: What did you learn as a kid that you never use these days?
(Leave your answers in the comments.)


Erosion of Childhood

The Daily Telegraph today has: "The erosion of childhood."

This is the story that a team of experts say that our children are growing up to quickly these days.

You hear that phrase a lot, "growing up to quickly". I assume they're growing up at about 1 year per year, aren't they? Even if you take into account Einstein's Theory of Relativity and some of those children are travelling faster than others, it's still roughly 1 year per year.

If kids were actually growing up faster that 1 year per year you'd have to buy then birthday presents more often, so thank god they're not.

More than 200 experts wrote on open letter about how childhood is being eroded by a "relentless diet" of advertising.

An open letter they sent to a newspaper... that makes money out of its advertising. That's like putting up a poster about childhood obesity in Gregs.

In the letter they say: 'Our children are suffering from a relentless diet of "too much, too soon".'

Yep, you could put that up in Gregs too.

Britain has the lowest levels of children's well-being in the developed world, and Britain coming out near the top of international league tables on almost all indicators of teenage distress and disaffection.

But surely they're missing the point. We don't have the lowest childhood well-being because our kids our suffering, we have it because we're British, and if you give us the chance to moan about something, we're going to take it.

If someone comes up to you in the street with a clipboard and asks you about your well-bring, the Brit training kicks in and you'll be moaning about the weather, your back, the small 5p piece and that bloody Simon Cowell before they've even got their pen ready.

Why would our children be any different? They have grown up hearing the moans that we use to communicate in our society, and they'll repeat it.

Also in the letter it says of our children: 'They spend ever more time indoors with screen-based technology, rather than in outdoor activity.'

Having said that, just this week we heard of some 8-year-olds who were cage fighting. That's certainly less sedentary than just sitting and playing on the Xbox. But something tells me the kids who get knocked about in a cage won't score highly on the well-being scale either.

So I say we stop worrying about our kids staying in too much, we stop worrying about what they say in surveys and we just rejoice in the fact that we're breeding another generation of skilled moaners, just like us. And that's good, because if we didn't have lots of moaners in the UK, who's buy the Daily Telegraph?

>Read the source story


Staring Down Barrel of Economic Disaster

The front page of the Daily Mail today shows us a disaster. And I don't mean the Kate Winslet story. Although she's dating Richard Branson's nephew. Let's hope for her sake he wasn't the inspiration for Richard's company, Virgin.

The disaster we're looking at is about money. David Cameron said the world is "staring down the barrel" of a new economic catastrophe.

A new one? I thought we were still in the old one. That's exactly what's wrong with society, we start a new one before we're done with the old. That's what got us in this mess in the first place.

Here's what happened to make it one of the worst days in the world economy:

New figures suggested the 17 eurozone nations are already back in recession.

Really? If Greece's economy shrinks any more it'll be able to run its affairs in a Barklay's business account.

The head of the International Monetary Fund warned the world was entering a 'dangerous place'.

What? Hackney?

Fears grew that France's banking sector will need to be bailed out.

Oh no. I like France's banks, but only because I have find memories of saying, "bonk!" in lessons.

And Greece looked unlikely to deliver fresh spending cuts, risking a catastrophic debt default.

I think they need to call Ocean Finance.

Panic-selling rocked global stock markets and UK companies lost £64billion of their value in the FTSE 100's worst day since the height of the crisis in spring 2009.

And that's the only positive we can take out of this. I don't know what kind of a day you had yesterday. Maybe it wasn't a great one. Perhaps you didn't hit deadlines, you sent the wrong file, you got in trouble with the boss. Maybe you totally messed up. But no matter how bad your day was.... you didn't lose £64billion! In comparison, you're doing pretty well.

>Read the source story

Good Excuses For No TV Licence

The TV Licensing people have revealed the most implausible excuses gathered over the last 12 months for not having a TV Licence.

I'm assuming none of these excuses actually paid off but it's worth remembering that they keep a list. If you get done for not having a TV licence you might as well come up with some impressive lie. You'll still get a fine but at least you'll get into a newspaper about a year later.

Here are the top ten:

1: "A pigeon fell down the chimney and broke the aerial so I have bad reception."

And then I imagine as the guy was saying that his dog, Mutley, was laughing in the background.

2: "My 11-year-old son must have bought the TV during the night. It wasn't there when I went to bed."

Or he got it in a London riot, more like!

3: "My payment card's been stuck in the washing machine so I can't pay."

Tut. Money laundering!

4: "I've not paid due to my shop only accepting £5 and £10 notes and I haven't got any of those."

Or 20s, or 50s... or any other money.

5: "I've not been making payments as a baby magpie flew into my house and I had to stay in and feed it until it was OK."

Don't do it. You know what magpies are like. They send the baby in to keep you distracted while the older magpies nick your stuff. It's distraction burglary.

6: "I only use the TV to keep the horses company and one of them is blind so I should only pay half if I have to pay at all."

He's got a good point. But maybe, he should've just bought a radio.

7: "I can't get the TV out of the box – can you help me?"

Nah. Just watch the cardboard box. It'll be as good as a Jordan reality TV show.

8: "My dog that watches it when I'm at work to keep him company - not me."

Oh, so you need a dog licence.

9: "My mum told me to tell you she's not in."

Admittedly, that was said when they visited Norman Bates.

10: "I've not bought a licence as I dreamt I didn't have to and the saying is you've to follow your dreams."

Good point. And that's why I often turn up to work totally naked.

>Read the source story

Q: What's the best excuse you have ever give or heard? Leave your answers in the comments please.


Starbucks Film You On The Toilet

I love a nice trip to a coffee shop. I'm always sat there, with my grande cappuccino, tapping away on my netbook in the hope that people will see me and think I must be writing something important, rather than just another joke about Cheryl Cole.

However, my love of coffee shops has been rocked by this news. It's something that I might lose sleep over, and I drink so much caffeine I don't have much left to lose.

Starbucks is being sued by a dad who says a hidden camera in the toilet of the coffee chain's Washington branch was uncovered by his five-year-old daughter.

What? Starbucks are spying on our wee-wee-tinkles? Why? I know they have that display that shows the stages the drink has gone through, from the green coloured bean that gets picked, through the roasting processes to the cup you drink. Are they that keen on seeing what happens to it next?

Also, let's be honest, a cup of nice warm coffee has an effect on the drinker that means... well, it probably wasn't just wee-wee-tinkles that people were doing. And when Starbucks say they love the brown stuff...

28-year-old William Yockey is suing Starbucks for $3million accusing them of invasion of privacy. He says the camera was hidden inside the U-shaped drain beneath the bathroom's sink.

Ha! That camera footage is on U-tube. How fitting, because I'm sure that's almost where it will end up.

Police dusted it for fingerprints and cordoned off the bathroom before taking the camera away to be used as evidence.

Imagine if you were in there having a coffee and saw the police turn up and turn the loo into a crime scene. You'd think, "Wow. I've done some bad ones in my time but never one bad enough it broke a law."

>Read the source story

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You can now get these SomeNews articles in your inbox every morning. Save yourself the time of checking the site.

Have it sent to your email and read it at work and it will just look like you're working hard while you read the news.

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The Live Radio Show - Garrison FM

I'm covering some more radio shows. I'm on air from 7am to 10am, Tuesday to Friday. Let me know if you're listening in by email or messaging me on my Twitter.

If you are in the Aldershot area tune into 102.5FM or see below to listen online. And if you're on an iPhone use the "TuneIn Radio" app and search for 102.5 Garrison FM.

Launch in external player
And if none of that worked, give in and just listen to my podcast instead...


Man Stalks Own Girlfriend

How's this for terrifying? A man stalked his own girlfriend for three years.

I know a lot of women who would want there other halves to pay them more attention, but it seems you can have too much of a good thing.

And stalking your partner really isn't fair. When they get home after a long day at work, all they want to do is tell you what they've been up to. As soon as they start with, "You'll never guess what happened to me today..." you'll answer in full detail from your note book.

Shaun Webber stalked Ruth Jeffery while he was going out with her but he didn't let on that he was the one doing all the stalking. The sick thing is she would've turned to her boyfriend for emotional support during her ordeal with a stalker without realising it was the same guy. It's like those scenes in Smallville where Lois talks to Clark Kent about her feelings for the Blur.

What was this guy thinking? I mean, even if this wasn't the sickest and most messed up thing to do in the world, think about the logic of it. Why would you want to make your own girlfriend all stressed out and nervous? You'd never get any peace.

Police found out that her on-line stalker was her own boyfriend and now he faces jail because at one point he went on the web pretending to be Miss Jeffery.

Shame he didn't do that right at the start. He could've pretended to be a woman and stalked himself, and spared the rest of the world from dealing with this weirdo.

>Read the source story

SomeNews At The Manchester Comedy Festival [Ended]

The event has happened now. It was good fun.
Find out where the next SomeNews Live Festival Show will be by clicking here.

This year SomeNews.co.uk has a one-off show at The Manchester Comedy Festival.

Off the back of the SomeNews Edinburgh Fringe Show we're taking SomeNews to Manchester.

From the 17th to the 31st of October Manchester becomes the home of a comedy festival, and as a special appearance The SomeNews Live Show happens on the 23rd.


It's the show that made Three Weeks say in their 4-star review:

"This little gem of a comedy news show hosted by the charmingly affable Steve N. Allen." "Allen hits the mark more often than not, with an effusive mix of biting satire and gleeful mud-slinging that recalls Russell Howard by way of Ian Hislop. More than worth a look."

Updated with new news and ready for the Manchester Comedy Festival, 2011.


Here are the details for the show.

17 Thomas Street
Northern Quarter
M4 1FS

(See the interactive map on the left.)

Doors open at 6:45pm and the show starts at 7pm. The running time is 1 hour. And it's only on the 23rd.

Click to buy tickets online.


Take a look at what some audience members said after one of Steve N Allen's festival shows.

If you're in or around Manchester on the 23rd of October, come along and see the show.

For more about the show...

You can see the details of the Edinburgh version of the show here.

Listen to the interview with Mr Steve N Allen from BBC Radio Northampton
See the details of this show on the official Manchester Comedy Festival website. Buy tickets for the show here. This show has been picked as a highlight of the festival. See the highlight page.


Breast-Slapping Beauty Treatment

I am a keen reader of health news. I used to read the Daily Mail health pull-out all the time till I worked out the pattern. No matter what the ailment was they simply recommended drinking more water. Got dry skin? Drink more water. Suffering from headaches? Drink more water. Want to lose weight? Try drinking more water.

And then I read one about the silent killer that is diabetes. It said, "You could have diabetes and not even know it. Have you noticed you have been going to the toilet more?"

Yes, because of all that bloody water you've got me drinking.

But I still like to keep on top of the latest health news, so I was happy when I found this story. In Thailand you can now get a slapping treatment. For about 8 million Baht (about £3.50, probably) you can get a woman in Thailand to slap you around. I'm not surprised by that, but I'm not a Tory so that's not what I'm into.

This isn't a kinky thing though, it's a beauty treatment. Women are paying money to get slapped in the face to make them more attractive. Save yourself the cash, just marry Stan Collymore.

And it's not just face slapping. For a little extra you can buy the breast slapping, which promises to make your boobs bigger.

Yeah, because of swelling. I'm sure you'll have a very impressive pair on show as you make your way down to A&E.

You can see it all in the video below. The beautician also offers buttock slapping. She slaps buttocks and she gets paid for it. I do it just once, and it's a trip to HR!

Women keep going back for this treatment which proves that being slapped about a bit can make your boobs grow, tighten your bum and sort out your face. Or it disproves that being slapped could knock some sense into you.

>Read the source story

UK Gets Early Big Freeze

UK weatherBritain may get another big freeze this winter with snow expected to sweep in as early as next month.

Oh no! You know that means the country will grind to a halt again? We always do. We get a few flakes of snow and we're brought to our knees.

In fact, that's why Hitler lost. He tried to drop bombs on the UK. We can take that, but if he dropped some snow on us we'd all be German now.

The roads will jam up, the airports will close and we'll have trains cancelled. And they always use that phrase, "The wrong kind of snow." Our trains get delays because of the wrong 'kind' of snow and by the wrong 'kind' of leaves on the line. Eventually you start to think we shouldn't be blaming the snow and the leaves, we probably have the wrong 'kind' of tracks. Sh*t ones!

Long-range forecaster James Madden said: "I expect to see the first signs of some moderate to heavy snowfalls as early as October."

Doesn't that mean it could be snowing during British Summer Time? I don't want to be the pedant here but if there's one weather type you don't expect in 'Summer Time' it's flippin' snow.

I haven't even packed away my summer wardrobe and got my winter stuff out yet. I could be caught in a snow storm while still wearing flimsy summer clothing. It'll be freezing cold and I'll still be in a short-sleeved shirt. What am I meant to do then?

Well, there's only one thing to do. Move to Newcastle, so at least I blend in.

>Read the source story


Vince Cable Attacks

Vince CableToday's Independent tells us "Cable: I'll force fat cats to justify bonuses."

Good old Vince Cable is back to his belligerent best. He's now promising to make the bankers justify their bonuses. The problem with that is they'll find a way to do it. If you ask someone if they should get paid lots of money they're likely to come down on the side of 'hell yeah'.

I think we should be asked to justify the bankers' bonuses. See how much we think they're worth.

The Tories would then say, "Well, if you don't let bankers have their big bonuses they'll go to another country."

"What? The banks would move away and it would be some other country who has to bail them out when they inevitably mess up again? Oh no, what a disaster!"

Vince hasn't been a fan of the bankers for a while now, as we found out last year in this audio bit...

What I like about Vince Cable is that he is an old man moaning about the banks... which is something you can find in any bank that has an old man in it. He's one of the few politicians who was credited with spotting the recession before it actually happened. But if you moan about enough things you'll eventually get something like that right. Back in 2007 he probably had a chat that went... MAN: Oh, hi Vince. How are you? VINCE: Not too good, my back is playing up. MAN: Oh well, at least we've had a nice summer. VINCE: It won't last. We'll probably see floods soon. MAN: Well, at least the economy is doing well. VINCE: Tut. We'll all be poor soon enough. But I'm not moaning about Vince's moaning. In fact I think he's great. He's a grumpy old man and I have said on this site before that we should celebrate his grumpiness, and that's why I made him this song...
>Read the source story

Man Stabs Burglar

dad stabbs burglarA tricky story leads the news today, but I think it's important to cover it.

A man has been arrested on suspicion of murder after allegedly stabbing a burglar to death.

The 39-year-old businessman, Vincent Cooke, was at home when he answered his door to two armed men. In the fight he fatally stabbed one of the would-be robbers, and the other ran off.

It was only a few months ago that Ken Clarke said we had the right to defend our homes with possibly the ultimate force, and this will turn into the mother of all test cases.

Back then Ken said: "If an old lady finds she's got an 18 year old burgling her house and she picks up a kitchen knife and sticks it in him she has not committed a criminal offence and we will make that clear."

This is where it gets a little sticky. Vincent wasn't an old lady, but he had a wife and 12-year-old child who were due home any time. Old ladies probably only have cats that they live with. And let's be honest, if a cat thinks you're being attacked it will head off and leave you to it. I'm not saying cats aren't loyal but they look at you in a way that says, "As soon as you're dead, I'm probably going to eat you."

So, when an old woman kills a teen it's legal, but when a 39-year-old man kills a man in his early 30s he gets arrested for murder.

It will make us all examine the question, "Should you be allowed to defend your property by killing?"

If we are being practical, it should really depend on your property. Vincent Cooke lived in an expensive house in a stoke-broker belt. If someone was trying to burgle your caravan that's filled with stuff from Pound Stretcher, it's a bit much to think it's worth taking a life.

But that's the issue, isn't it. Do you think property can ever be more valuable than life? Because that's what you're saying if you defend your home with fatal violence.

I have to be honest, younger me would've had a big problem with this, but I think you get more right-wing as you get older, it must be linked to nose hair or something.

Younger me would've said, "There's no way the appropriate punishment for theft should be death." But older me has warmed to the idea. Older me really quite likes it. Older me keeps thinking, "How could I get Jedward to try to burgle me?"

We'll see what happens as this case carries on, and I guess not much of it will inspire humour, so it won't get mentioned here much. But this is the third time in six months that intruders have been stabbed to death by home-owners.

It makes you think, "What would you do if someone came to your front door with a knife and tried to rob you?" When you ponder on the issue of home-owners killing burglars you tend to think about other people, but if you imagine you're the home-owner being attacked, I imagine your response becomes a little harsher.

It doesn't take long before you're doing the full rant. "Crime is going up, prisons are reaching capacity. These home-owners might be many things, but at least they're helping that situation."

>Read the source story


Cheryl Cole's Death Treats

The Daily Star goes with the headline "Cheryl Death Threat". Apparently she has been receiving death threats on her trip to visit troops in Afghanistan.

I thought I'd point that out in case you thought it was Cheryl making then. We all know if she has one of those toilet attendants ask for some money after handing her a paper towel she'll probably start with the treats again.

But this is the story of her getting death threats while in Afghanistan. Also to clear things up, it's not death threats from the troops she's singing to. I've been heckled in the past but I've never tried to play to an audience who all have guns.

It be honest, if any Brit went to a place where we are currently fighting a war, there's a element of implied death threat.

Inflammatory cleric Anjem Choudary warned: "The fact that [Cheryl] is prepared to support this war in Afghanistan I think shows the naivety of the woman. She has put herself in great danger by being such a high-profile visitor to the region."

Oh dear. It looks like Cheryl is in for a falling out with one of the scariest and most influential men in the UK. But her next meeting with Simon Cowell should really be saved for a different news story.

>Read the source story


Podcast 22 - Free Libya, Strikes in the UK, and Red or Black or not?

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 22. It's a look at some news that's hit the headlines recently.

In this podcast...

The new free Libya and its high profile visitors
The UK gets set for industrial action
The TV show Red or Black may be cancelled
Rich women buys a fancy yacht

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Woman's Impressive Party Trick With Balls

There's a fine line between having an amazing skill and having way too much time on your hands. And I really don't know where this woman is. If she has too much time on her hands it'll also be on her feet and all over the place too.

Selyna Bogino has developed the skill of juggling five basketballs with her hands and feet.

It must've taken hours of practice, and now she has at least one line in her CV filled.

I'm mocking purely out of jealousy, because when you see the video you'll realise she's probably the next step forward in evolution.

P.S. Don't ask what keywords I was Googling for to come across the video of a woman doing tricks with balls.

>Read the source story


UK Riots - The Facts

Today the rioters are back in the news as we find out more details of the people now charged. One stat is that more than half of all rioters were 20 or under.

Some people are saying this is evidence of a disenfranchised youth. I think they're looking at it the wrong way. The interesting side of it is that people over 20 weren't rioting. That's evidence of the fact that we're getting old.

These riots were happening quite late in the day. If they were on about 6pm we could've been there but rioting around midnight is just too late for a week night.

And people were looting things like TVs. With my back?!?

Also we hear that one in four people charged over the riots had committed more than 10 previous offences.

Well, at least they knew what they were doing. This is another reason why I didn't go rioting. The only thing I've ever been caught doing is speeding. An no one was getting done for speeding during the riots. It was the only way to be sure your car wouldn't get set on fire.

>Read the source story

End of the Sell-By Date

end of the sell by dateToday sees the end of the sell-by date. I must admit, as a bloke, that won't mean much of a difference in my life. We never really look at the sell-by date. If we're hungry we'll eat it. And sometimes it's good that a food is past its date, because that means the women in the house won't eat it for fear of getting ill. It sits in the fridge without the risk of someone else having it. Yum.

A supermarket survey last year found over half of shoppers throw away food past its 'sell-by' date even though it is still safe to eat.

See that? Half. And roughly what fraction of people are women? Hmm?

The sell-by date has never worried me because I'm not thinking about selling the food, I'm just going to eat it. If you put and 'eat-by' date on it I'd pay attention. Although I'm sure I'd have it eaten before then.

New guidelines will mean all food and drink must be labelled with one date only, either a 'best before' or a 'use by'.

The 'best before' date doesn't really bother me either. Who says I'm aiming for 'best' in this life? I'm perfectly happy with adequate, and they don't put 'adequate before' dates on our food.

The 'use-by' dates make more sense but to be honest, if it looks like you can eat it you can probably eat it. And even if there's some mould growing on it, it's probably the same mould you get on Stilton. Just add the words "Danish Blue" before the product name and you have an expensive food rather than something for the bin.

  Person 1: "Is that steak off?"
  Person 2: "No, it's a Danish Blue Steak."
  Person 1: "Oooh, fancy."

'Use by' labels will go only on food which is unsafe to eat after a certain date, such as meat, fish and cheese.

Cheese? Have you seen some of the cheeses out there? They're mouldy old lumps that look like they have gone off years before they have hit the shelves. If you look at mature Gouda can you seriously tell me it's going to get any with with age? It's like a cheesy lump of Mum-ra.

Most foods, such as tinned and dry goods, jams, pickles and snacks, will carry a 'best before' date to indicate when they will no longer be at their best but are still safe to eat.

It's not just foods. I saw a pack of condoms with "best before date" written on it. And I thought, "That's a shame, as I was hoping to use these after I'd taken her on a date."

>Read the source story


George Osborne Lost The Whip

George Osborne lost the whipBad news for George Osborne. He faced more questions about his role in the decision to bring the former News of the World editor Andy Coulson into the Conservative Party, but the best part of all this is the part of the story that involves a dominatrix.

Ah, it's just like the good old days again. The Tories and sleazy sex scandals. Just give me a mobile phone the size of a litre of milk and it's the 80s all over again.

Natalie Rowe, who once ran the Black Beauties escort agency (don't worry, I Google it, no horse were involved), had been targeted by the NOTW's private detective Glenn Mulcaire before the publication of a story in the middle of the last Tory leadership contest about Mr Osborne's friendship with the former vice madam. Ms Rowe said the treatment of her story by Mr Coulson, the then editor of the NOTW, may have had an effect on his subsequent recruitment to Conservative Central Office in 2007, with Mr Osborne's active encouragement.

Back in the day when the Tories were always linked to prostitutes we were all making jokes about those women doing to them what they were doing to the country. By that I guess we meant they were screwing the country.

And that is why it makes sense for George Osborne to be linked with dominatrices. They're doing to him what he is doing to the country. They're probably causing him lots of painful cuts, choking growth and squeezing the bits that feel it most.

>Read the source story


Naked Rugby Team Beaten

New Zealand's naked rugby team, the so-called Nude Blacks, have lost for the first time in their nine-year history, to a women's team.

I wonder why that could be. Possibly because the players had to sit down with crossed legs for most of the game?

And it makes sense that they won the other matches against the men. It would be hard to go in for the tackle because that's exactly what you'd get... in the face.

The all-amateur Nude Blacks played the exhibition game in New Zealand ahead of the World Cup clash between Argentina and England.

Nude rugby seems like an off choice. Of all the games to do naked why pick the one with the scrum down? The same would go for ice skating (shrinkage), snooker (bad camera angles) and darts (nothing to do with the practicalities of the game, it's just the people who play it).

>Read the source story


The Pill's Memory Effect

New research says being on the contraceptive pill can affect a woman's memory.

Oh dear. That's a shame because it's the one pill you really need to remember to take.

Experts say women who take oral birth control tend to remember different aspects of an incident from those with natural menstrual cycles.

I'm truly shocked by all this. My ex was on the Pill and yet she could remember every details of everything I'd ever said when she needed it in a row. If that was her with a worse memory she must've been some sort of Derren Brown.

By changing a woman’s hormone balance, the Pill alters the way she remembers information, the study suggests. Those taking the drug are less likely to remember details of an event, but instead retain its overall emotional impact.

To be fair though, she's most likely to have an emotional impact if she's not on the Pill and has to raise a child.

>Read the source story


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