Salt Banned In Chip Shops

The Daily Express has found something else to moan about. They have the headline: "Salt Banned In Chip Shops".

Good, because after the trouble we had in winter we should be saving our salt for the snow.

We live in a country where thousands are killed by salt every year, through heart disease, and then hundreds are killed in the winter because of no salt when their cars go spinning off the roads.

The newspaper says, "Daft health police wreck the nation's favourite treat."

I suppose it would be daft. Taking the extra salt out of the fish and chips won't make it a health food meal, you still have a the starch and the saturated fats. Banning salt in chip shops is like banning the use of lead bullets – getting shop by a lead-free one isn't really better for your health.

The trouble with banning salt is that you will force it underground. Although, that's where salt comes from, so I guess it's OK.


Podcast 11 - Budgets, LOLs and a Pig With A Nice Face

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 11. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

The protests in London and the budgets that caused them
A pig who is getting a face lift
There are 13 children in the UK who have gun licences
The latest words to be added to the English language

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Judges On Drugs

Are Our Judges On DrugsToday The Sun asks: "Are Our Judges On Drugs?"

Well, let's look at the evidence. They have long hair, a very strange sense of fashion... yep, they're on marijuana. But they do seem to like 'order', so maybe not.

OK, let's look at more evidence. The judges talk a lot and always insist that they are right. Must be on cocaine. Which means it's not dust on all those legal books.

But they're so old I don't think their hearts would take it.

Oooh. Let's not forget that people say alcohol is a drug. That causes slurred speech and can lead you to make bad decisions. Yep, they could be on that.

Alcohol is the drug that the judges are on.

Well, they say alcohol is a drug but it's not really. You try buying it from your drug dealer.

DEALER: "What do you want, mate? Weed? Pills?"
YOU: "No. But could I get a white wine spritzer... blood?"

>Read the source story


Funny Science

Good news for the comedy world, a scientist has worked out and equation to calculate how funny a joke will be.

This is great. If I do a joke on stage and it doesn't get a laugh I can show my workings and hopefully still get some points.

Expert Alastair Clarke reckons the equation h = m x s explains why we find some things funny. Alastair, an evolutionary theorist from Cumbria, said: “The pleasure we get (h) is calculated by multiplying the degree of misinformation (m) by the extent to which the individual is susceptible to taking it seriously (s).”

So, if you say something that is false (large value for m) but someone believes it (large value for s) it should be really really funny.

But why is it when I say, "No my dear, your bum doesn't look big in that," I don't even get a titter?

>Read the source story


Tomatoes On A Plane

There's a story in the news of Kayleigh Barker who has a phobia of tomatoes. It sounds silly enough but add to this that she is a waitress. A waitress who has a fear of healthy veg. She's better get a job in McDonald's.

Apparently she runs our of the room is she sees a tomato. She's like an advanced salad dodger.

She must've hated Red Nose day.

She said: "My boss made me close my eyes... told me they had a present for me and put a tomato in my hand."

Sounds like you were lucky it was just a tomato.

Interesting her fear of tomatoes, called Lycopersicoa phobia, doesn’t extend to ketchup, as she loves the stuff.

That makes sense. A lot of people have a fear of clowns, but clown puree...

>Read the source story


Hobbit Filming Finally Underway

Filming has begun on Peter Jackson's production of The Hobbit in New Zealand.

That's not a compliment to New Zealand is it. Every film he makes it's like he's saying, "Your country kind of looks like a land of freaky creatures and strange little hairy men."

If ever he makes a film about Newcastle he'll probably film it in New Zealand too.

After many delays production is under way with Martin Freeman will play the hobbit, Bilbo Baggins.

That's also not a compliment really, when Martin gets a call from his agent, "Hey Marty. You got it. The producers loved you. They took one look at you and thought, hobbit!"


Podcast 10 - No Fly Zones, Royal Wedding Mix Up & Nude Big Brother

SomeNews podcast
It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 10. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast:
We talk Libya no fly zones Bahrain protests The Royal Wedding mugs mix up
A naked version of Big Brother And the most expensive dog ever

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Man Breaks Dancing Record (Not Break Dancing Record) By Not Really Dancing... To Records

Nightclub owner Steve Stevens has got himself in the record books for dancing non-stop for more than five days.

There are people who take e reading this thinking, "Part-timer!"

There's a video of this at the bottom and you'll see that the word dance is rather loosely used. He's like a dad at a wedding. Admittedly, a really long wedding, but still...

Steve Stevens strained his right knee but managed to keep moving for 131 hours.

All he was doing was rocking from side to side and we given him a world record. If you rock from back to front for the same time you get locked up.

The former Ironman triathlete kept up his energy levels with a diet consisting of protein shakes, fruit, porridge, jacket potatoes, chips and lasagna.

That's where he went wrong. After dancing like a knob in a night club for ages there's only one food to choose... kebab.

>Read the source story


X-ray Proof Pants Stop The Naked Scanners

There are some ideas I wish I thought of and took on Dragon's Den. A businessman has invented x-ray proof underwear to protect passengers' modesty when they go through Manchester Airport’s "naked scanner".

Ah, that flippin' scanner. I don't know why people in Manchester get so upset that a scanner can see them naked. Have you see how they dress when they go out on a Friday night?

But Steve Bradshaw was quizzed by armed cops and missed a flight when he refused to enter the scanner this year.

Quizzed? What questions did they ask? "Excuse me sir, are you avoiding the scanner because you're a terrorist or you have a small tagder?"

The dad-of-one (I think that answers that question) told security staff the technology was 'invasive' and breached privacy. So he went off and invented x-ray proof pants.

They use a special coating to bound the x-rays back which means you can't see through them. He has already made a sale. Someone called Lois Lane...

>Read the source story


Naked Big Brother

While every other newspaper covers some story from Japan I think it is, today the Daily Star gives us news Big Bro Goes Naked.

Sadly for some women this isn’t a quote from Prince Harry, it’s a naked version of the TV show.

This could be a good idea. At least we’d be see if the brother is actually that big or not.

There would be some down-sides to it. There’s something a little redundant about telling someone they’re "live on Channel 4, please do not swear" when they have their tadger hanging out.

Producers want to find eight housemates to live for 30 days with no clothes on.

My advice, check out any town centre on a Friday.

TV To Show Ads Just For You

We all love adverts. Apart from the Boots advert, and the Halifax ads, and the stupid Lotto ones and... OK, most ads are rubbish but they might be more to your liking in the future.

Ad breaks that are tailored to your house will be on TV soon. It will use information about the household and about your viewing habit.

The ads will be determined by my viewing habit! Oh crap, I'd better stop watching Babestation or my life will be filled with adverts for tissues and opticians.

BSkyB is testing the television scheme, called AdSmart. The new technique raises the prospect of a single male viewer being hit with adverts for beer and razor blades, while the family next door would see commercials for toys and package holidays.

That's all very well if those are the things you're seeing the adverts to but if you turn on the TV and you see an advert for Lidl... Oooh, you'd take that to heart.

>Read the source story

British Women Are Ugly

The chief executive of Burger King has described English women as ugly and the food in the UK as "terrible".

How dare he? I mean, just how the hell dare he! Some of our food is quite nice.

Bernardo Hees, the global chief of the fast-food chain, made the comments while addressing students in Chicago. He was recalling his time studying at the University of Warwick when he said: "The food is terrible and the women are not very attractive."

I totally disagree. Just last night I enjoyed a roast with a tasty game bird... and the food was good too.

He added that his time in Britain had offered few distractions beyond work. But he was a student, and it is customary to have bad food when you're a student. And if he wasn't happy with the standard of women he got, well, maybe they weren't happy with the standard of the Whopper.

Last night, Burger King said its chief executive regretted his remarks: "Mr Hees apologises if his comment has offended anyone."

We're not offended. So, some buy from Burger King thinks we have bad food and ugly women. He's clearly been visiting his own branches.

>Read the source story


Prince Andrew's A Little Fibber

The Duke of York was branded a liar in the papers today.

He didn't have 10,000 men. He barely had 8,000. It was all just bullsh... oh, not that one. Prince Andrew was the one they meant.

The newspaper said: "As pressure mounts on the UK trade envoy over links with paedophile billionaire..."

Now, I know they mean Jeffrey Epstein but every time I read the phrase 'paedophile billionaire' I think they mean Daddy Warbucks.

Apparently the Prince misled the world on his ex-wife's cash-for-access scandal. Andrew denied knowing a key Miss Fixit in Fergie's bid to clinch £500000, but that wasn't exactly true.

Although, if I were Andrew I'd be lying through my teeth to make out that I didn't even know Fergie. "But you were married to her?" "No, you must be thinking of a different Prince Andrew."

But before we all attack Prince Andrew, let's remember what got Fergie in trouble in the first place. She was getting money in return for giving someone access to Andrew. There's a recession on and I think this is a great way to bring much needed fund in. People people to pay for being able to speak to Prince Andrew. Basically, get him a job on Babestation.


Charlie Sheen's Home Gets Raided

Things keep getting worse for poor old Charlie Sheen. The latest thing was when the police raided his home to see if he had some illegal guns hanging round the place.

Not only is he living with porn stars, he might have guns. He certain isn't very clean living. Which is ironic, because he's called Mr Sheen.

There were claims that he had a cache of weapons but when the LAPD paid him a visit they only found bullets and an antique rifle.

I can see what happened here. When they said he was shooting up...

It's been claimed that he has a bit of a drugs problem. We should've seen this coming, because even his first name is Charlie. Which makes you feel sorry for Roger Moore.

This police raid comes after he went a bit mental and was sacked from the TV show Two And A Half Men.

I think they should replace him with Tome Cruise. But they'd have to call the show Two Men.

>Read the source story



Man Swallows €145 To Foil Robber

This in from Germany, a man in Erfurt swallowed €145 in cash to avoid being robbed.

He swallowed money. Doctors have been monitoring his condition and so far, still no change.

(I would like the thank the 8-year-old me for learning that joke. Who would’ve thought it would come in useful years later?)

That was a lot of money. If it all came out as change it would sound like winning a slot machine jackpot.

The 37-year-old victim, referred to as Sandro B, had just picked up his Hartz-IV benefit payment when he met a supposed friend, 28, who claimed he owed him money.

So, instead of being forced to pay off this debt he ate the money, which I guess was digested. So he still lost the money and still has this debt. Not a great plan. Unless he was really hungry.

>Read the source story


Podcast 9 - Libya Latest, Royal Wedding and Sexy Bags

SomeNews podcast

It's the SomeNews Podcast, episode 9. It's a look at some of the items in the news with a different take.

In this podcast...

The latest from Libya with Gadaffi's money troubles and the SAS embarrassment
The Royal Wedding gets a kids book spin off
Why sexy bags are as good as sexy undies
And what would you do if you were lucky

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Britney Spears Does An Ashley Cole

Britney SpearsDo you remember Britney Spears? For ages everyone knew she was a virgin, and then she ended up with a bald head. Sounds like my twenties.

Well, now she's having a spot more bother. Her former bodyguard is to release a series of embarrassing nude pictures of her.

Embarrassing and nude? How is that any different to her music videos of late?

He claims Britney sent him the photos on her mobile phone.

He was her bodyguard, maybe she was just trying to help him, like a low tech CCTV of what he was guarding.

Fernando Flores has told pals he will use the "filthy" snaps in court to back his £9million sexual harassment lawsuit against the singer.

I still think it's a tricky case. Can you really claim receiving sexy pictures on your phone from a sexy lady is a for of harassment? All she was doing was saving him the effort of doing a Google search.

>Read the source story

Prince Andrew Named In Sex Probe

Prince Andrew Named In Sex ProbeYesterday's News of the World had the headline: "Prince Named In Sex Probe".

You think Andrew's name turns up in some bad places. You should see where Prince Albert's name gets used.

And today the story goes one step further. Now we hear Prince Andrew's trade role is to be downgraded because of his links to Jeffrey Epstein, a billionaire US financier being investigated over his involvement with underage girls.

Look on the bright side, Andrew may lose his job as a special trade envoy to the UK, but he'll get another one working for Silvio Berlusconi.

I'm no expert, I don't really know what Prince Andrew being Britain's special trade representative means. I think that's like a grown up version of Swap Shop.

In fact, when I heard we were sending Prince Andrew abroad on 'trade missions' I thought they meant we were going to swap him for a less embarrassing royal.

It's been a tricky time for the Prince. A picture was released last week of the prince with his arm round Virginia Roberts, then aged 17, who claims she was sexually exploited by Epstein and his friends.

The Prince is playing it all wrong. At the moment his relationship to Epstein is making Andrew look bad. But if he were to say Epstein was acting as his speech therapist...

>Read the source story


HSBC The World's Selfish Bank

HSBC considers quitting City over tax rowToday the Sunday Telegraph tells us: "HSBC considers quitting City over tax row".

HSBC might as well be honest and say what they mean, "We're not winning so we're taking our ball home with us." If we force the banks to lend more and pay a reasonable amount of tax they might also threaten to tell their mums.

HSBC says they'll move their HQ to Hong Kong. HQ stands for headquarters, but HSBC stands for Hong Kong and Shanghai Banking Corporation, so how did we not see this coming?

The same Government that says they won't be held to ransom by the unions is feeling the pressure of HSBC's threat. But should we care?

Well, HSBC employs thousands of people, but they won't close the branches. They'll still want us for customers so most of those jobs are safe.

Some of the really well-paid bankers' jobs will be affected but they'll just go abroad with the company. They're earning so much they'd probably move their money abroad at some point to avoid paying tax, so we're not losing out on much.

But if these high paid bankers move abroad it will mean fewer BMW drivers on the road.

Erm, I'm not seeing a downside here.

>Read the source story


Sheen Exclusive

The Sun has landed an impressive exclusive interview with Charlie Sheen. Impressive because getting him to string two words together at the moment is quite a feat.

In the interview he says he is having a three-way relationship with Natalie Kenly and Rachel Oberlin.

I have never been in that situation but I'd say, if you're in a relationship where there's one bloke and two women, you'd better learn to leave the toilet seat down.

He described his other-thirds as, "like the toughest cats in the room."

What, they were the one's who wouldn't let you put them in a wheelie bin? It doesn't really sound like a compliment. They're like cats that can win fights – so they'd like Lion-o and Panthro​​?

If you have ever wondered about the logistics of a three-way, he answers that saying, "We have to have two beds. It's very smart and that way no one gets demoted to the couch."

They're not allowed on the couch? What are they, dogs or cats? Make your mind up.

He added: "The partying has been epic - what I can remember of it."

He has memory gaps over the last month or so. We could make up any old crap and he's probably believe us. We could tell him Gadaffi has been voted off after Libya's political system was taken over by Simon Cowell. We could tell him John Galliano has quit to go and solve the crisis in the Middle East.

We could tell him Lady GaGa went out dressed in a nice floral skirt and a strappy-top. Nah, he'd never believe that.


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