Car Crash Radio

There was a story in the newspapers that suggested listening to Radio 4 could make you a worse driver. Don’t dismiss this out of hand. I know Radio 4 is only a brand but so is BWM and there’s definitely a link with being a worse driver there.

The research found that drivers who tune in to speech-based radio rather than music may be more likely to crash. One theory is that it’s the made dash to change the channel as soon as you hear The Archers theme tune.

Researchers found volunteers drove too fast, drifted out of their lane and frequently forgot to indicate when they were distracted by radio chatter. It seems hard to believe as not much of the chatter on Radio 4 is that gripping. If listening to someone moan about the returns policy on their new blender on You And Yours gets you distracted you were not really paying attention to the road in the first place.

Although tuning into musical stations also increased the error rate, it was to a much lesser extent. That is worrying. As someone who presents a music-based radio show every weekday I am concerned about my death toll.

It was experts at the National Institute of Technology in India who recruited 64 young men and got them to repeatedly complete a seven-mile journey in a built-up area using a driving simulator.

Hang on. They were in India. If they were listening to Radio 4 the size of the aerial will be part of why they drove so badly.

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"Kids Prefer This Utter S***-Tip Mess," - Gillian Keegan

The Education Secretary Gillian Keegan has said that children actually prefer being taught in portacabins.

It’s like she’s trying to make her career collapse faster that a RAAC school.

Thanks to some of our schools being made out of reinforced autoclaved aerated concrete some schools are at risk of collapse. Why was this type on concrete used? Apparently one of the reasons is that it’s lighter than standard concrete. Yeah, that’s the big problem we’d been having with schools. They were just too heavy. Thank god they fixed that.

Some classes have been moved into temporary spaces, and instead of being contrite about the mess, Gillian has claimed that pupils actually prefer it. She said, “In the first school I went to the children were all petitioning me to stay in the portacabin because they actually preferred it to the classroom.”

Now, she may be right. Let’s remember, the choice the kids are facing here is a portacabin or a building that might collapse on you. Out of those two, yeah, you’d prefer the portacabin.

It’s actually quite easy to get people to say they prefer option A when the other option is having a building collapse on them.

When you see those adverts that say 8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskers, in the small print it explains, “...to having a building on them.” Cats are smart like that.

Also, these are kids. They’d prefer most things to being in a classroom. “Another day in school learning about trigonometry, or a day sat in a sweaty box like you’re a construction gang working on some new builds?”

Downing Street defended Ms Keegan. The PM’s official spokesman said she was simply “reflecting a conversation”. The Education Secretary was relaying the chat she had with a child. Thanks for the useful information.

What were we meant to do with that news? Are we to think, “What’s that, children like portacabins? Well, in that case, I’m actually glad the situation was handled so badly it was left till days before the term started that some children found out if they’d be getting an education.”

The spokesperson also said that PM Rishi Sunak still had full confidence in her, which is an omen on a par with saying you can’t wait to get home to your pregnant wife in a war film.

It’s not like Gillian Keegan has been know for responding with contrition before. She was recently in the news when she was caught on mic after an ITV interview saying, “Does anyone ever say: ‘You know what, you’ve done a f***ing good job, because everyone else has sat on their a*se and done nothing?’ No signs of that, no?"

Yes, Gillian. People do say that. But they say that to people who have done a f***ing good job. I wonder why you haven’t heard it.

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Body Part Art

In art news: An artist has created an exhibition using her own fingernails, blood and saliva. Look, we’ve all been struck by that mood where we can’t be arsed to go to Hobbycraft, but Christ!

It’s Pamela Schilderman who spent two years working on Ecology Now, which is the exhibit that she really put herself into. It’s a comment of the concept of humans being the height of evolution. Although you could also spin it as a comment on the cost of living crisis and a top tip on how to save money on pencils and paint.

We’re all lucky she’s not going through her brown period.

Of all of the works I feel that the one with her fingernails is the most impressive. We can all churn out a pint of blood (the equivalent to an armful in old measures, you’ll remember) and if you want to produce a lot of saliva you can train yourself with a bell (which is an even more dated cultural reference).

Getting a lot of fingernails takes dedication. Sure, you can take a multivitamin to help but it’s still a long-term project.

Give it a few weeks and this will turn into one of those stories when a cleaner saw some muck, cleared it up, and accidentally threw away a work of art.

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So... It's An Inkjet?

Scientists have done it again. They have achieved a breakthrough that no one asked for but that didn’t stop them. We now have the technology to 3D-print vegan squid rings.

I suppose it is impressive that we can eat things we have printed. You were always able to do this if you really wanted to but it would have tasted a bit like paper.

While this is good news for a few nerds and probably great news for some real squid who will be happy to be replaced by the printed variety, this probably won’t affect many of us.

It’s actually a protein concoction that’s made from algae and beans or something that’s very Holland and Barrett, but they claim it tastes like squid.

The problem with this claim is that squid doesn’t really taste of anything, so it’s easy to copy. In a blind taste test it’s hard to tell squid rings from the little beige elastic bands that postmen leave everywhere. It’s basically the salt that saves them.

I’m still wary of trying 3D-printed food. I’m no Luddite but I know what it’s like try to print with my normal 2D laserjet. I’m worried that I’ll die of hunger while still trying to get the WiFi to connect.

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Whoop! Whoop! It’s Suella On The Police

The Home Secretary Suella Braverman has written about her plans for the police and that’ll make some people worried. She had a personal dream of seeing people on flights to Rwanda, and when she lost the job as Home Secretary we all thought she’d only realise her dream by working for easyJet.

She got the gig back and now she has spoken of her policing plans. If we look at the individual things she said most of it won’t be triggering.

She said police should concentrate on “getting the basics right” in tackling crime and keeping people safe. Who could disagree with that? People may argue about the method of doing it but that goal is surely universal.

She wrote, “I will give the police all the powers and resources they need to combat anti-social behaviour and crime.” She probably won’t because that would cost a lot of money, and one of the resources they probably need is more police, but again, the goal is good.

She spoke of the commitments made by all forces to attend every house burglary. The only people who don’t like that are the burglars.

The problem is these easy to like aims will probably turn out to by lip-servicing catchy soundbites. She is known for those. She gave us the soundbite, “Guardian reading, tofu-eating wokerati,” which is odd because if the Home Secretary actually had an issue with your source of protein it seems a bit “nanny state” of her. But she said it to appeal to the kind of people who think they don’t like the Guardian reading tofu types.

The mask slipped slightly when Suella said police should not be posing for selfies with protesters but arrest them. They’re different types of protesters. It wasn’t the ones glued to the M25 that the police had a photo with and if it was it must have been the police taking it. The protesters’ hands were a bit busy.

Much of what is being said may be less about actual plans and actually be trying to impress the readers of certain right-leaning newspapers. So let’s look further into the article. Suella also said she is scrapping the need for new recruits to have degrees because, “Someone without one might have excellent technological skills or high emotional intelligence.”

Emotional intelligence? Oooh, feelings. How’s the tofu today, Suella?

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Prince Harry’s Frostbitten Bits Remedy

Prince Harry’s book Spare has been in the news almost non-stop. I was upset when I found out it wasn’t about his time ten-pin bowling.

One particular passage that has received a lot of attention covers the time Harry damaged his penis. He couldn’t call it his Willy as he used that as a term for his brother, and future king, all the way through the book.

In the section in question he talks about getting a frostbitten penis. That sets up a joke about his wife but only Jeremy Clarkson would do that these days.

Thankfully a frostbitten peen isn’t a common ailment in the UK and he suffered this problem when he was going to the North Pole. That’s the actual place and not the strip club in Manchester.

It’s so cold at the North Pole that is can damage your old fella, which gives you a whole new appreciation for when Santa has to go through.

In the book the Duke of Sussex says his penis was "borderline traumatised" by the injury. How do you know that your penis is traumatised? I guess it was weeping, but that can happened after a visit to the North Pole, and in this case I mean the Manchester club.

Harry then went into detail about putting Elizabeth Arden cream on his "todger". I can understand why he tried it. It doesn’t take too much of a mispronunciation of Arden before you think it’s a good penis cream indeed.

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