Why Is Music So Angry?

No, you're not wrong. Music really is worse these days than it was when you were younger.

That's not exactly the finding of some new research but it's close enough. A study looked at lyrics of popular songs and found that they're angrier and more repetitive since the 80s.

That shouldn't really come as a surprise. You didn't see that parental advisory sticker on old gramophone records. There was no explicit remix of George Formby's When I'm Cleaning Mother***king Windows, B**ch!" Although that song is about some perv watching a newly married couple have sex, but it's not angry or repetitive so that makes it OK.

They looked at lyrics in rock, rap, country, pop and R&B songs. At the risk of getting cancelled, it feels like rap must be doing a lot of the work here. In the 1980s rap songs seemed peaceful when compared to the drill music that Daily Mail readers get angry about. Although back in the 80s we had songs like The Sugarhill Gang's (see, there were gangs back then too) “Apache” with the lyrics...

Tonto, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it
Kemosabe, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it
Custer, jump on it, jump on it, jump on it
Apache, jump on it, jump on it, woo

Cultural appropriation aside, that's quite repetitive. If a song is quicker to write using control-C, control-V you're repetitive.

Rock songs of the 1980s included things like Van Halen's Jump with the lyrics.

Ah, might as well jump (jump)
Might as well jump
Go ahead and jump (jump)
Go ahead and jump

Still repetitive but for a song that's actually called Jump it tells you to jump less than The Sugarhill Gang did.

The research, published in the journal Scientific Reports, found that anger-related words may have become more common because music "reflects more general changes in society and culture". So, we're more miserable. That fits.

It's not all negative news. Eva Zangerle, an assistant professor at the University of Innsbruck's department of computer science in Austria, found that songs are simpler these days and easier to understand.

I'm grateful for that. The 80s had songs like Teddy Pendergrass "Love T.K.O." which I don't know if that's a good thing or not. The 90s had "Smells Like Teen Spirit" whatever that is.

It predates this study but in 1968 Song by Gary Puckett & The Union Gap released Young Girl, which is basically someone admitting they should be on a register.

Modern day songs are easier, like Megan Thee Stallion's, WAP, which seems to be about a cat in a bath. Ah, simpler times.

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Rishi Sunak & Akshata Murty In Grazia Fail

Rishi Sunak and his wife gave an interview the Grazia magazine and video clips from it went viral from all the wrong reasons.

It’s a standard thing on the run up to a general election, the Prime Minister will give an interview in the hope of coming across as a normal human. It’s telling that our leaders need help from a media team to look like a normal human but we are were we are.

Teresa May did the same on The One Show before the 2017 election where she said the worst thing she ever did was run through a field of wheat. No, it was probably something you did when you were Home Secretary.

It was a fascinating glimpse into the marriage of the current PM as he seems to complain a lot. He mentioned the fact that he doesn’t get time to exercise but she does, that his wife gives the kids unhealthy food, she doesn’t stack the dishwasher correctly and she doesn’t make the bed right.

If I were married to a billionaire I’d probably shut up about that stuff. If my other-half had that much money I’d let her stack the dishwasher all knives up without mentioning it.

There’s a level of passive aggression to it. Previously I presumed he was the kind of man who tried to avoid conflict. His trousers always look like he walks into a room pre-wedgied. I thought that was his way to avoid being bullied at school, to look like he’d already been done.

Rishi went on to explain that after his wife has loaded the dishwasher he’d re-stack it to get it right. After she’d made the bed he’d pop in and make it again properly. It’s a good thing he isn’t busy with anything important. When journalists ask, “How’s it going stopping the small boats?” he should be honest and reply, “Well, not great, but this dishwasher is doing an excellent job.”

After his delight in such domestic tasks was revealed he was asked which he preferred, loading the dishwasher or making the bed. He said, “They both have nice, satisfying endings,” before he picked making the bed. Oi! Oi! You randy old dog, Rishi.

It’s the most human thing he said in that interview and it was by accident.

Comedian Steve N Allen mocks Rishi Sunak for his 'embarrassing' interview with his wife.

"He was so passive aggressive. If I was married to a billionaire, I'd shut up."

📺 Plank Of The Week - https://t.co/ADMD3S11i3@iromg @THEJamesWhale @BareReality @mrstevenallen pic.twitter.com/b8TNJV0Cp9

— TalkTV (@TalkTV) March 8, 2024

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Let’s Solve Discipline In Schools

'Scared' teachers are locking classrooms because of violent pupils. That’s how bad things are getting in our schools. As a point of interest they’re locking the doors to keep the pupils out. If they could work it so that they were locking the pupils in it would be better for all of us but I think I have just described a prison.

There’s been an increase in bad behaviour in schools. It’s been worse after the pandemic because they made people think that school wasn’t such a necessity. And it’s not as long as you don’t mind growing up with no hope or prospects. So it’s good to have choice.

A lot of this is to do with the parents. In the old days, it was the parents and teachers against the child. You’d fear them teaming up at a parents’ evening. When the teacher told your parents what you were like in school it was the meeting of your two world. Another way to look at it is to say it’s like Germany fighting Russia and the Allied Forces, depending on how bad you were at school, I suppose.

Now it seems to be the case that the parents take the kid’s side against the teacher and that doesn’t work. You know the old phrase, “It takes a village to raise a child”? Yes, it does and that village has to team up against the child to stand any hope of winning.

The problem is there’s no threat of consequences. Yes, we have seen an increase in the number of pupils expelled but telling a child who hates school, “Stop that or you won’t be allowed to come to school,” is less of a stick than you think it is and has a slight smell of carrot.

So, we need a bigger threat of consequences. Let me be clear, I am not in favour of parents hitting their children. I could understand who the person you love the most and who is meant to love you the most striking you could be upsetting on an emotional level. But hear me out… maybe other people should be allowed to hit your children.

It would give the teachers that edge and for some would be better than a pay rise, so we’d have sorted out that industrial action too.

What lesson would we be teaching the children? If you are really annoying out there in the real world you run the risk that someone might hit you. Yeah, that’s kind of a true fact that you have to learn about the real world. It would be nice to teach something in school that would actually be useful later in life.

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Office Romps Get Better With Age

A new survey has brought upsetting news. Older workers are more likely to have an office fling than younger ones. That’s upsetting if you’re a younger worker as it means you’re not getting as much fun, but even worse news is that you might walk in on two office veterans getting at it.

It's the "silver surfers" who are keeping the photocopiers warm with their, ahem, extracurricular activities. That could possibly be explained by the fact that young workers like to work from home these days. It is much harder to have a romp in the stationery cupboard when you only Zoom in once a week.

You’d have to travel in specially, book the stationery cupboard out, find someone who’s up for some fun in there. It’s a big faff.

In the poll of 2,000 office workers, a whopping 9.5% of those aged 65-75 confessed to getting, ahem, "friendly" with a colleague in the office in the past year. And that’s just the ones that can remember it.

That's almost ten times the number of Gen Z-ers who admitted to the same.

While the young people get flack for their “quiet quitting” at least they spend their time at work doing some work, not doing someone from accounts.

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Just What The Fat UK Needs... More Crisps

In the old days this is what news Gary Lineker would have talked about. Crisps!

Walkers has just released two new flavours of crisps that fans can't stop raving about on Facebook. It makes a change from using your time on Facebook to claim that climate change/COVID/Meghan Markle doesn’t exist, so let’s take it as a win.

One of the new flavours is Crushed Sea Salt and Black Peppercorn. That story again: “Walkers invents… salt and pepper!” They’ll be working on the wheel next.

But what they have actually done is take the words “salt and pepper” and add a lot of middle-class words to them. It’s like adding value but not really. Middle-class people like extra words on their food. They don’t want chicken, they want locally sourced, free-range, corn fed chicken. If it has a CV longer than mine they want to eat it.

The only problem is that middle-class people don’t want to eat crisps. If they do they’ll put them in a bowl and serve them with dips, which makes the brand of the crisps rather pointless.

The other new flavour is Mature Cheddar and Chilli Chutney. At least they made a bit of a change to cheese and onion there.

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"Kids Prefer This Utter S***-Tip Mess," - Gillian Keegan

The Education Secretary Gillian Keegan has said that children actually prefer being taught in portacabins.

It’s like she’s trying to make her career collapse faster that a RAAC school.

Thanks to some of our schools being made out of reinforced autoclaved aerated concrete some schools are at risk of collapse. Why was this type on concrete used? Apparently one of the reasons is that it’s lighter than standard concrete. Yeah, that’s the big problem we’d been having with schools. They were just too heavy. Thank god they fixed that.

Some classes have been moved into temporary spaces, and instead of being contrite about the mess, Gillian has claimed that pupils actually prefer it. She said, “In the first school I went to the children were all petitioning me to stay in the portacabin because they actually preferred it to the classroom.”

Now, she may be right. Let’s remember, the choice the kids are facing here is a portacabin or a building that might collapse on you. Out of those two, yeah, you’d prefer the portacabin.

It’s actually quite easy to get people to say they prefer option A when the other option is having a building collapse on them.

When you see those adverts that say 8 out of 10 cats prefer Whiskers, in the small print it explains, “...to having a building on them.” Cats are smart like that.

Also, these are kids. They’d prefer most things to being in a classroom. “Another day in school learning about trigonometry, or a day sat in a sweaty box like you’re a construction gang working on some new builds?”

Downing Street defended Ms Keegan. The PM’s official spokesman said she was simply “reflecting a conversation”. The Education Secretary was relaying the chat she had with a child. Thanks for the useful information.

What were we meant to do with that news? Are we to think, “What’s that, children like portacabins? Well, in that case, I’m actually glad the situation was handled so badly it was left till days before the term started that some children found out if they’d be getting an education.”

The spokesperson also said that PM Rishi Sunak still had full confidence in her, which is an omen on a par with saying you can’t wait to get home to your pregnant wife in a war film.

It’s not like Gillian Keegan has been know for responding with contrition before. She was recently in the news when she was caught on mic after an ITV interview saying, “Does anyone ever say: ‘You know what, you’ve done a f***ing good job, because everyone else has sat on their a*se and done nothing?’ No signs of that, no?"

Yes, Gillian. People do say that. But they say that to people who have done a f***ing good job. I wonder why you haven’t heard it.

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So... It's An Inkjet?

Scientists have done it again. They have achieved a breakthrough that no one asked for but that didn’t stop them. We now have the technology to 3D-print vegan squid rings.

I suppose it is impressive that we can eat things we have printed. You were always able to do this if you really wanted to but it would have tasted a bit like paper.

While this is good news for a few nerds and probably great news for some real squid who will be happy to be replaced by the printed variety, this probably won’t affect many of us.

It’s actually a protein concoction that’s made from algae and beans or something that’s very Holland and Barrett, but they claim it tastes like squid.

The problem with this claim is that squid doesn’t really taste of anything, so it’s easy to copy. In a blind taste test it’s hard to tell squid rings from the little beige elastic bands that postmen leave everywhere. It’s basically the salt that saves them.

I’m still wary of trying 3D-printed food. I’m no Luddite but I know what it’s like try to print with my normal 2D laserjet. I’m worried that I’ll die of hunger while still trying to get the WiFi to connect.

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Prince Harry’s Frostbitten Bits Remedy

Prince Harry’s book Spare has been in the news almost non-stop. I was upset when I found out it wasn’t about his time ten-pin bowling.

One particular passage that has received a lot of attention covers the time Harry damaged his penis. He couldn’t call it his Willy as he used that as a term for his brother, and future king, all the way through the book.

In the section in question he talks about getting a frostbitten penis. That sets up a joke about his wife but only Jeremy Clarkson would do that these days.

Thankfully a frostbitten peen isn’t a common ailment in the UK and he suffered this problem when he was going to the North Pole. That’s the actual place and not the strip club in Manchester.

It’s so cold at the North Pole that is can damage your old fella, which gives you a whole new appreciation for when Santa has to go through.

In the book the Duke of Sussex says his penis was "borderline traumatised" by the injury. How do you know that your penis is traumatised? I guess it was weeping, but that can happened after a visit to the North Pole, and in this case I mean the Manchester club.

Harry then went into detail about putting Elizabeth Arden cream on his "todger". I can understand why he tried it. It doesn’t take too much of a mispronunciation of Arden before you think it’s a good penis cream indeed.

We will play this moving story of #PrinceHarry's first time getting to second base. pic.twitter.com/T3hHuvRZUj

— Steve N Allen (@mrstevenallen) January 13, 2023

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Trains Are Even Worse

Rail companies across Britain warned passengers that they face cancelled trains, delays and rail replacement buses. And passengers said, “Oh, so pretty much as bad as normal, then?”

Train firms have slashed hundreds of services due to thousands of Covid-related staff absences, with bosses warning passengers to expect last-minute cancellations and more crowded trains due to fewer in operation.

But more crowded trains means more spread of Omicron, which will mean more pings. Extrapolate that and in a few weeks there’ll be no trains.

What’s amazing is that the service during a pandemic-fuelled staffing disaster is no where near as bad as it was when Chris Grayling changed the timetables.

This comes as Southern Rail has finally reintroduced trains to and from London Victoria after the post-Christmas closure was extended by a week. I bet they couldn’t wait. “What? You’re looking for a company to run a hugely delayed service? This sounds like a job for Southern Rail!”

Staff absence for all reasons is now at 11 per cent across all operators, up from 8 to 9% in December, and it’s not just staffing. The train companies say the lower demand is a reason to cut the services.

I guess they’re right but one of the few upsides to living through the pando was getting a seat on a train. That and it’s been a great time for ugly people with nice eyes.

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It's Time To Stockpile Cat Food

These tail-end days of the lockdown are annoying. We spend our time upset about where we can go maskless and how many strangers we can meet in the park of an evening. In many ways I preferred the first lockdown.

There was a thrill to the unknown. How would we cope with isolation? Did we have enough toilet roll? Why does Joe Wicks sound like that?

We stockpiled tinned foods like they were going out of fashion and most of it tasted terrible. I don’t know why anyone wants to tin peaches but the result looks like a medical experiment.

Therefore it is over a year too late to read the news story of a couple who were enjoying an “absolutely gorgeous pâté” only to find out it was cat food.

The couple, Donald and Margaret Lincoln, thought the ‘pâté’ was lovely. I’m sure the selection of flavours appealed too. Was it tuna, beef and mouse? They had it on baked bread and messaged their daughter to say how nice it was.

The daughter, Angela, who had done the shopping, didn’t remember buying any tinned pâté. They worked out what must have happened. Meanwhile the cat was probably eating a tin of peaches thinking the owners were trying to poison it.

The really strange thing is that no one noticed the cat on the packaging. Or if they did they must have thought it was cat flavoured. I’m not sure which would be worse.

Thankfully it has no ill effects and the couple are in good health, they’ve had their flee drops and in their next pâté there’ll be a worming tablet crushed.

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Less Lockdown = More Rude Stuff

This week the Mirror newspaper ran a headline saying it won’t be long till we are hugging grannies again. I don’t actually have any grannies left, so this could be the strangest giveaway a national newspaper has ever done.

Meanwhile the Sunday Times reported that "Lovers liberated after lockdown spark sexplosion". Given that sexplosion isn’t really a word it’s hard to know exactly what they mean by this. Is it something that will show up on the seismographs or simply leave a mess?

Whatever it is we know its cause. The end of lockdown has brought about an increased demand for condoms and morning after pills. It’s an interesting effect of getting our freedoms back and also makes you realise that over the last year a higher proportion of people buying condoms were doing it to smuggle things in.

At the moment the rules state that you can go on a date with someone and have a drink outside but you are not allowed to take things into the bedroom. It’s like much of the dating I did in my twenties but with slightly more handwashing.

The increased sales figures tell us that either more people are breaking the rules and nipping to the bedroom with their new friend or there are some very dodgy things happening in pub car parks. Or both.

It’s difficult to complain about people’s actions. If there is one lesson the Great Doing Nothing of 2020 taught us is that we should embrace life whenever we can. You don’t know when the next plague will come along and take life from some of us, so if you can have a moment of pleasure with someone you should get stuck in, which I am told is not the way to phrase it just before the act.

Yes, I know that any rule-breaking could lead to an increased spread of COVID that could lead to older and more vulnerable people catching it but if you’re spending more time in bed you’re spending less time visiting older people, so the effects might cancel.

Whatever you do, do it safely and wear protection. And I don’t mean a mask. But I also don’t not mean a mask, if that’s what you’re into. Get stuck in.

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Boris Johnson Has Affair, Shocker?

The world was rocked recently by the news that British Prime Minister Boris Johnson had an affair. In the same way that you feel rocked when a BMW driver doesn’t indicate or a toddler falls down, we are talking about that level of surprise.

A while back a scandal broke about BJ’s closeness to business-person Jennifer Arcuri, although most of the newspapers focussed on the fact that she owned a pole-dancing pole, which is why I’m changing my official bio from writer to “Pelaton owner”.

There were innuendoes about the likelihood of those two getting jiggy-with-it and a more serious question about the processes that were used to get Jennifer Arcuri access to business grants.

At the time I remember Jennifer saying she gave Boris some tech lessons, which now we are hearing might have been learning where the batteries go.

Now that the story had simmered down and we had bigger pandemic fish to fry, Ms Arcuri spoke to a newspaper confirming the dirty deed, or rather four years worth of deeds from 2012. At the time we were all feeling a little more athletic because the Olympics were coming to town. I’m sure that added to it.

In the interview we learn that Jennifer sent him “arty topless pictures” (are there any other kind, from the point of view of the sender) and said they had a mutual “physical and intellectual attraction” (I can spot the division of labour there).

We hear about the time they were intimate before he headed off to the opening of the 2012 London Paralympics and how, before he left, she had to hunt for a sock he lost in the throes of passion. Ah yes, that moment where you turn a lady on by whipping your sock off and lobbing it across the room.

All of these “erotic” details are all very well but it’s worth remembering that the affair isn’t the story. It may be immoral but it’s not illegal to have a fling with another grown adult but the dodgy part here is whether the taxpayer-funded trade missions and grants were made available to Jennifer Arcuri because Boris Johnson was doing to the Nolan Principles of Public Life what he was doing to her after he’d launched his socks.

But there’s no pole dancing in that bit of the story, so nevermind.

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It’s Time To Lose The Edinburgh Pandas

It’s finally become clear. This wasn’t about 5G or Bill Gates secretly creating coronavirus so he could get us Googling for things on Bing. This was always about the pandas.

The giant pandas that we have in the UK may have to go back to China because of Edinburgh Zoo’s ‘financial pressure'. China was playing the long-game to get them back. It’s the only possible explanation for COVID if you disregard all the ones that make sense.

Sure, whoever wanted the pandas back could have mounted a rescue operation with helicopters and SWAT-style teams but that wouldn’t have been their area of expertise. They were animal experts so they used what they knew and they created a pangolin and bat that exchanged bodily fluids. They next thing we knew, bang, the virus is out there making zoos fail.

With hindsight it is obvious that zoos were going to struggle during a pandemic. If I wanted to see a smelly animal that’s trapped in a small space I’d watch myself in lockdown. The zoo animals have someone who brings their food round so they have a better way of life than those of us who queued for the local Asda.

Edinburgh Zoo’s two giant pandas, Tian Tian and Yang Guang, have been in Scotland for a few years now. Their lease at Edinburgh Zoo is due to expire at the end of the year and it's unclear if the zoo can afford to keep them. I think this might be time to do a sour grapes pivot and reframe these pandas as a bad thing.

They sit around all day living off our money, and we have enough of that already. So get Priti Patel to send them back. That’ll cheer some people up in this Brexit era.

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Here's Why You Won't Do A New Year's Resolution

As the New Year gets started most of us are probably thinking about resolutions. We’ll be wanting to be healthier, thinner, less of a piss-head and more successful. Those urges will, on average, last for about three days but maybe it’s better that way.

If you were to try to improve yourself and it actually took you might become a right old twat.

A new piece of research has found that people who meditate or work to achieve a higher level of inner peace are more likely to be a right piece of work. They were found to have “spiritual superiority”. It’s ironic because all of that meditation and self-work is supposed to make you less judgemental. Imagine how big of a git the Dalai Lama must be.

We have all seen the type, someone who loves to mention how much they love yoga, alternative medicines and kelp. They seem like they are up their own arses and thanks to the yoga they can reach.

You can see where the trap lies. One of the goals of meditation is to let go of your ego, and if you get good at doing that you will feel a sense a pride, which will fuel the ego.

The logical conclusion is obvious. If you want to be a good person do very little. Self-improvement is a path to failure. Enlightenment will make you smug. The best thing you can do to be a force for good in this world is to stay flawed with your ass planted firmly on your sofa. It keeps you grounded.

In fact, if you are a poor excuse for an individual not only will you avoid hubris you’ll also make everyone else feel good about themselves by comparison.

So that’s my New Year’s Resolutions sorted and this year I might be able to stick to them.

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How To Mock Trump Now

What is a satirist to do with Trump?

The news that the President of the United States of America has contracted the coronavirus has left some of us in a difficult position.

Even though we have had to see some pretty shocking news in recent years, most of the topical comedians are still human. You know, deep down. When you hear the news of a man in his seventies contracting a virus that can be fatal to people in that age bracket, you have empathy.

Science tells us that the virus is really tough for those who are overweight. Now, some say Donald Trump lies about his height to bring his BMI down but viruses don’t check paperwork. It’s another reason show concern for someone who is ill.

If we were only listening to the angel that pops up on our shoulder that would be the end of it. But the devil on the other shoulder loves to point out the hypocrisy. When a man who has belligerently said the coronavirus would be gone by the summer catches it in autumn, it’s worth a mention.

When someone who has recently said publicly that COVID-19 affects “almost no one” gets affected by it, how can we not sarcastically say, “So you’re calling yourself a no one?”

He held rallies where his supporters defiantly refused to wear a mask. That’s because the wearing of a bit of fabric over your breathing parts as a small effort to help everyone else has become a political issue.

It was surprising as Donald has been known as a germaphobe for quite some time. Most germaphobes would like people to wear masks even when there’s no pandemic but the political capital to be gained by making the “do-gooders” seem bad was too tempting. And look where it’s got him.

Even the most sympathetic commentator must find irony in the man who said to use bleach as a cure is now in a hospital using proper drugs suggested by proper doctors. He suggested putting UV light in the body. Did he try putting a sunbed lamp up his botty before trying real drugs?

Just as the poetic irony of the situation starts to entertain there will be a ping on my phone from a news app telling me that doctors say the next 48 hours will be critical for him. That jolts me back to thinking that no matter what point of view someone has held, you shouldn’t make light of something that could cost them their lives.

Show sympathy. That can’t be wrong. And just as soon as I start to think that social media shows me the conspiracy theories that he doesn’t have COVID and he’s only doing this to get out of the future debates. His current narrative is that his opponent Joe Biden is old and frail. If Trump can claim to have had a case of the tough COVID but walked it off in a few days he can look fit by comparison.

Now I don’t want to fall into the trap of giving sympathy if it’s not due but I don’t want to accuse someone of pretending to be ill in case they go on to die.

There was another conspiracy theory that claimed the President was hiding a secret oxygen tank about his person and using a mask to cover the nose attachment. Several mainstream media outlets have claimed that’s nonsense but I remember someone saying those outlets peddled “fake news”. I wonder who could have said that?

What about all of those Trump supporters who claimed that coronavirus was a hoax? Do they see the contradiction of their position or do they think this proves that people can catch made up illnesses. Be careful when you pretend is real, some people could catch that. I’m terrified that I might come down with a case of The Phage from Star Trek Voyager.

I haven’t noticed many Trump supporters saying sorry for thinking this virus that killed over one million people was a hoax. They are too busy saying that Trump critics shouldn’t mock him. They ask how the left would like it if it was one of their figureheads who got ill. Maybe people replied with the clip of Trump mocking Hilary Clinton after we heard she had pneumonia. Even more hypocrisy.

Donald has been rude about people with illnesses and dismissive of the disease he now has. His actions may well have led to more people catching this potential killer. And yet, I still don’t want to mock him. He’s an old man who is ill.

Donald, get will soon, so we can get back to pointing out what a hypocrite you are.

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Hmm, Schools or Pubs? Hmm.

Many parents will be thinking, “Oh, what I wouldn’t give to get these children back to school.” Now we are faced with actually answering that question.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson has said that reopening schools is a “national priority”, which means other things may have to close.

The first time we heard of this ultimatum was when Prof Graham Medley from the London School of Hygiene and Topical Medicine spoke about it as an option. I always thought the name of that academic establishment really takes a leap half way through. “School of Hygiene,” sounds like wiping work surfaces down. “And Tropical Medicine,” is that Parrot fever?

Many people think that school children should be back to learning for the good of society but don’t make us pick between that and having a pint.

At first, I wasn’t sure why we’d have to shut pubs to let schools open. Is there a shortage of bouncers that are needed for both? The UK brought in a restrictions on opening hours for pubs during the First World War to stop workers in munitions factories drinking too much. Is that the problem with Year 7s now?

While open schools would help parents cope, some of them may need the pub too. Don’t make us choose.

Surely there are other types of shops that we close up again to open the schools. Tattoo parlours are open. If we shut those could we still have pubs open. In fact there’s an argument to be made that you shouldn’t have pubs and tattoos open at the same time anyway. It’ll stop people having the name of the person they’ve been dating for a week put on their back.

Shutting shops to open pubs would be a better solution. A lot of shops are shutting on their own. If we tally up WH Smiths, Debenhams, Pizza Express and Victoria’s Secret does it buy us a few classrooms?

I’d also nominate candle shops. Do we need so many? I haven’t had a power cut in years. I dated someone a while back who bought many candles but never lit them. She sad she bought them for the fragrance. If you can relate to that, try air fresheners. They’ll blow your mind.

Card shops could go too. In age of email we don’t need to send cards and during a pandemic we shouldn’t sell anything you lick and put in the post.

I think we could close some shops before the pubs, but knowing my luck the Government will agree with me and then they’ll pick the off licenses.

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UK Government To Make Us All Look Fit

I am fat. I know this because I calculated my body mass index. I then tried to work out ways that I could prove BMI to be an unreliable measure. The classic case to mention is rugby players. Their BMIs are often in the overweight range but they’re athletes.

I, however, am not an athlete. And if the only sports person I can compare myself to are the ones known for downing pints, it’s a pretty weak argument. Deep down I know it’s right.

It’s something we might be hearing more as part of the Government’s new plan to get us fitter is to tell GPs to be frank. Our doctors should tell us, “You’re fat.”

I know what I’m like, I am oversensitive and I don’t take criticism well. When my doctor tells me I am fat I will probably retort with, “Well, playing golf isn’t exactly keeping you in shape either!”

Some people make the case that fat shaming, as it is known, isn’t going to help people. If something makes you feel bad you might turn to food to make you feel better.

I am not sure that your doctor would be fat shaming you in this instance. I presume your GP will only tell you the news and doctor-patient confidentiality prevents them from shouting, “Give way for fatso,” as you leave their office. They won’t post it on social media.

The only person who will know that you’ve been called out on your unhealthy size is you, so you could tell everyone in your life that you got a clean bill of health. If the doc every tells me I’m too large I’ll report back that he said I was in great shape for a rugby player.

While I don’t agree that these actions are fat shaming, I am not convinced that it will help. As a large chap I can tell you that we fat people are fully aware that we are fat.

You may think you’re bringing some new information to our attention but please remember, we see ourselves fresh out of the shower. We know what it’s like when we bend down to tie a shoelace and feel our stomach push one of our lungs into our neck. We were there when we had to undo our belt after winning at an all-you-can-eat buffet lunch. They are a competition, right?

However, I'm sure the Government's scheme will work and make us all thin. That's as long as they're not also telling us to “Eat Out To Help Out” at the same time.

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[Podcast] Corona Special 4 - Pret & Other Shops Closing

It's the Steve N Allen's Week Podcast (with Steve N Allen), helping us through the lockdown. You can get the last episodes here.

In this podcast:

We look at the news that Pret will not open some stores and hear about the time they asked me not to be naked. Also we talk to Mark Machado about which shops are on the way out.

And if you're enjoying the content, think about leaving a tip. You can donate a coffee here.






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[Video] Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems Ep15 - Cummings, Trump's Positive & Cannabis Cure

During this enforced staying in there's a greater need for stuff to watch. We're always here to help. For the next few weeks we'll be doing live-streaming shows called Comics In Quarantine Solving Problems.

Through the week you can send in the lockdown-related questions you have and during the show we will answer them to the best of the abilities that two out-of-work stand-ups have.

In this episode we look at the latest Dominic Cummings news, why Trump has tested positive and there are a few new cures for Covid19 coming out way.

Here's episode 15.


If you have any questions you'd like us to tackle on the show track us down on social media (on Twitter use the hashtag #CIQSP) and we'll see if we can help. We'll be back next week.

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Coronavirus May Cause... Possession

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about already. We have this Coronavirus thing, I don’t know if you’ve heard about it.

We also have the threat of murder hornets. Basically wasps that can kill. You think a normal wasp can ruin a picnic. It’s even worse when you have to carry back a full hamper of food and a corpse.

Now we have to worry about possessions. Not as in, “Please keep your possessions with you when you leave the train.” You shouldn’t be on public transport in the first place, you dirty git. It’s demonic possessions.

Exorcist and Buddhist priest Paul Devlin says that the “negative energy” created by the coronavirus pandemic is a “breeding ground for demons”.

On the bright side, I am already avoiding people, so if a few of them become controlled by evil spirits, at least they won’t be doing it near me.

This Paul Devlin chap apparently knows what he’s talking about because he has seen off some demons in the past. His said his first case was someone who had pointed teeth. And now everyone is wearing a face mask, they could all be on the turn and we can’t tell by looking.

In an interview with a tabloid newspaper Paul said that people in self-isolation may have negative emotions and those emotions could entice malevolent forces in. For some it may be the only way to get some company. It’s just nice to have someone to chat to, even if they’re chatting back ancient Aramaic.

I’m not sure if you can get an exorcism via a webcam. Will reading out an incantation in Latin still work if you’ve got yourself on mute? There are more questions than answers.

There may be a good point here. Negative thoughts and emotions are bad for us and they can be easily found during the lockdown with its isolation and worries. So here’s a bit of good news to help in the fight: “Don’t worry. None of this possession lark is real.”

Phew. Feels better already.

➡Read the source story

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